Is my fiancee right to demand I give up my hobbies, interests and who I am? (From CF

**scottyscotts** · May 20th 2012, 01:52 AM

Hi everyone. I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this
so feel free to move it if it’s wrong.

I have a big problem that I can’t find the answer to.

My fiancée and I have been together for 8 years, and engaged for
5 months. Major cracks are starting to show in our relationship, but to be
honest I think our problems have always been there right from the start.

My fiancée will always be my number one priority. I’ve always
loved having time to myself to pursue hobbies though. They’re all things that I
do from home and just enjoy doing in my spare time. I don’t have any friends
and don’t drink, so it’s not like I’m going out all the time. Whenever my fiancée
comes round to my house, or whenever I’m with her, I spend all my time with
her. I don’t do anything to do with my hobbies. In the last couple of years I
haven’t pursued them at all. And before that my fiancée wouldn’t even really know
about them. It probably sounds bad, putting it like that, but they’re just
things like, writing, creating and making things etc.

I feel I haven’t been totally honest with her about how much I
enjoy my hobbies. I feel like I’ve been lying to her for 8 years about it. I’ve
always been afraid to tell her these things because I don’t want to make her
angry or upset her. However, I now feel she should know the truth before we get
married. So the other night we were talking about it and I mentioned that I
just really enjoy having hobbies that I pursue by myself. I always have. That’s
just who I am.

That upset her. She couldn’t understand it. She said that if I
truly loved her she would have all my focus and attention. She should be my
whole world. She said I should be willing to give up every hobby and interest
of mine for her. She says I should give up who I am for her. She thinks that I
should only want to be with her and do things with her, never by myself. She
said that all my hobbies are selfish, because they’re so solitary. She says
that all the things she does, she tries to do for others, or so others can
benefit somehow. She is right, she does a lot for other people, but to be fair,
a lot of the things she does, she enjoys. She also pursues a couple of selfish
interests too though. I’m fine with that though. Doesn’t bother me. Just what
ever makes her happy. That’s all I care about. We have many hobbies and
interests that we share together too. We both love spending time together.

She did make a good point that I agreed with right away. She said
that I live in my own little world where I’m always looking for things that I’ll
enjoy doing. I guess I’ve only recently realised the sorts of hobbies that I
enjoy and tried to find some to pursue after not doing any for a while. I just
love doing them. I’ve been talking a lot about the sorts of jobs I’d prefer to
do etc too. She said I’m just being so selfish with the way I talk about those
things all the time. Not caring about how she feels or anything. I think she
had a good point. I am off in my own little world. Probably not a good thing.

I should point out that all of this isn’t just out of the blue.
Our relationship has always had more than its fair share of problems, and this
latest argument is the latest in a long line of arguments lately.

I just have no idea what to do. She will always be my number one
priority. She will always come before my hobbies. I will always want to spend
time with her before pursuing a hobby. I think that isn’t enough for her
though. According to her, even then she won’t have all of my focus, and that’s
what she wants. I told her that just because I enjoy doing something, doesn’t
mean I have to do it. I said that I would happily not do any hobbies and spend
all my time with her. She said that I should not even want to do my hobbies. I shouldn’t
even enjoy them. I should only want to do things with her. How can I stop
myself enjoying certain hobbies???

Is she right to expect me to give up absolutely everything and
give up who I am when we get married? I honestly don’t know. I don’t care if
she pursues her hobbies and interests without me. It doesn’t bother me at all.
If they made her happy then that’s all that would matter to me. I think we’re
just two completely different people who enjoy doing things together, but also
enjoy doing completely different things as well.

I guess this is how our relationship has always been. We’ve only
ever done things she wants to do. I’ve always followed her around doing whatever
she wanted, doing whatever she asked me to do. I’ve always had to agree with
her on everything and not question her. I’ve always had to walk on eggshells
around her, trying not to do anything that might upset her because she is very
sensitive. Not appear grumpy or upset with anything ever because she doesn’t
like that. According to her if I’m with her, nothing else should matter and I
should be happy regardless.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about her. She is amazing
and has supported me so much in my work and study. She is such an amazing and
kind person, honestly. I’m just lost right now as to what to do.

I’ve prayed to God endlessly about this. I’ve asked for his guidance
and to tell me what to do. I’ve asked him if he even wants us to be together,
or if he wants us apart. I’ve told him that I trust him 100 percent and will do
whatever he tells me. Having had no reply in any way I’m thinking I’m either
not hearing or noticing what he’s telling me to do, or he thinks I should work
it out myself.

Please help me. I am so lost and don’t know what to do. Is she
wrong to demand these things? Or am I just being a selfish jerk? Even if I happily
don’t pursue my hobbies, that’s not enough. She wants me to not even enjoy
them. How on earth can I stop myself enjoying certain hobbies?? I have no idea.
If I knew how, I would do it. I don’t know how to stop enjoying the things I
enjoy. I feel like the role of her husband has very large shoes, and my feet
don’t even come close to filling them...

What do I do? Thanks in advance!

***Just an update.***

I’ve been talking with her and it is really bothering her that I’m saying I like to have a little time to myself sometimes. I’ve told her that I like spending time with her the most, but she doesn’t understand how that is true if I like to have a little time to myself as well. I think she sees these marriages where a husband and wife do absolutely everything together and spend time only with each other, and wants that with me.

*** Update 2***

I’ve been telling my fiancée today that I just need a small amount of time alone. I’ve been saying just half an hour a week to do things I enjoy, although I would actually like longer. She’s been saying that a marriage like that isn’t the biblical form of marriage. She thinks it’s selfish. She thinks that each partner in a marriage should fully devote themselves to the other and give up all selfish desires for that person. They should be a willing slave to that person. They should give up everything they are for that person. Is she right? I mean, that is what the Bible says right? So shouldn’t I be willing to give up everything I enjoy for her?

She's saying she doesn't want to marry the person I've become, and that I've really hurt her today with everything I've said to her (I've said that I just want a small amount of time to myself every now and then, and that sometimes I feel like she doesn't care about how I feel). What I said is the most I've ever said to her about how I really feel.

This is all just so incredibly hard.

***Update 3***

She's just reminded me of how amazing she's been to me in our relationship. She's been so forgiving of me, and has been so supportive of me with work and study. She really has been amazing. And now I feel like a complete jerk who's completly broken her heart. What am I doing? I'm just hurting her all over again. I want all our issues dealt with but I can't stand to hurt her.

***Update 4***

Well, I’ve just been talking to my fiancée again and I’ve hurt her so much tonight from being honest about how I feel that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She’s now saying that she would have happily let me pursue my hobbies for even 4 hours a day. She just wanted me to be willing to give it all up for her. And I showed her tonight that I wasn’t willing to do that. She quoted the Bible “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her.” Well heck, I failed that didn’t I! I was unwilling to give up anything for her. What a terrible husband I would make.

I’ve strongly suggested counselling but she made it clear she doesn’t want it. She said she doesn’t believe in it, that they don’t know our 8 year history, and that I need to just love her. I need to change. She’s saying that she doesn’t want her engagement ring, and asked if I want it. She said she’s going to wait a few days to think of what to tell everyone. She says she actually feels relief. I can’t handle this. I’m starting to back-pedal on everything I’ve said. I’m asking her not to end this. We’ve almost broken up many times before, but I think this is really it. My whole world is crashing down around me. What the heck do I do???

**amazzin** · May 20th 2012, 01:55 AM

Sounds like she may a jealous streak in her. Her desire for complete unadulterated attention is more her problem than yours. We all have hobbies. It allows us to do something we like. As long as those hobbies don't interfere with the important stuff then it shouldn't be a problem.

Tell me how are both your relationships with God?

**scottyscotts** · May 20th 2012, 02:41 AM

Originally Posted by amazzin

Sounds like she may a jealous streak in her. Her desire for complete unadulterated attention is more her problem than yours. We all have hobbies. It allows us to do something we like. As long as those hobbies don't interfere with the important stuff then it shouldn't be a problem.

Tell me how are both your relationships with God?

Hmmm well she does seem to get upset whenever I spend time doing anything that isn't for either her, work or study. If I do, even if it's only for 20 minutes she'll ask why I didn't spend that time doing something nice for her instead.

Does she have a point though? If I love her shouldn't I be willing to give up anything for her?

Our relationships with God? Hers is fantastic. I really admire her for it. Mine, not the best. My faith in him is no problem. I think I'm just too self-involved.

**PJW** · May 20th 2012, 02:49 AM

Sounds like you BOTH need counseling, BEFORE you get married.

**scottyscotts** · May 20th 2012, 02:58 AM

Originally Posted by PJW

Sounds like you BOTH need counseling, BEFORE you get married.

To be honest I would love that! I think we need it too. I've thought that for awhile. I could never tell my fiancee that though. It would devastate her. She would be so hurt and upset by me even thinking that or suggesting it. She thinks all of our problems are my fault, not caused by both of us. So she thinks I need to just change and stop being so selfish. She wouldn't see the benefit in counselling.

**scottyscotts** · May 20th 2012, 05:29 AM

Just an update.

I’ve been talking with her and it is really bothering her that I’m saying I like to have a little time to myself sometimes. I’ve told her that I like spending time with her the most, but she doesn’t understand how that is true if I like to have a little time to myself as well. I think she sees these marriages where a husband and wife do absolutely everything together and spend time only with each other, and wants that with me.

*Added to original post.

**BrianW** · May 20th 2012, 06:12 AM

I'm not sure why you waited this long to tell her about your hobbies. If you love to write/create that's part of who you are. I'm not asking why but it does seem as if you've been a bit deceptive in your dealings with her. A huge part of any relationship is trust and if you can't be honest and up front with her about who you are then how can you expect her to trust you? How can you expect her to believe that you trust her if you've hid this part of you away from her for so long?
That seems to be fundamental relational problem on both your parts and this hobby thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
I think that if someone can't love you for who you are, who you really are, then they don't really love -you.- Think about that. One other thing. If she really loves you then she will be willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work. If that means premarital counseling then she should be willing. If she wants a mistress slave relationship and you're willing to go along with that (And by your own words it seems that you have been) then this reaction to you opening up to her is just par for the course.

I’ve always had to agree with
her on everything and not question her. I’ve always had to walk on eggshells
around her, trying not to do anything that might upset her because she is very
sensitive. Not appear grumpy or upset with anything ever because she doesn’t
like that. According to her if I’m with her, nothing else should matter and I
should be happy regardless.

How's that been working for you? Have you been happy? Is that something you're proud of? Is this the way you want the relationship to be for the rest of your life if you and this girl get married? These are questions not judgements or accusations. You want advice? I would suggest that you ask yourself these questions and try to answer them as honestly as you can while spending some serious time in prayer. I would also suggest that you have a couple of private sessions with a trained Christian counselor because it's obvious to me that there's more to your situation than you've written here. That part I quoted up there? You are worth more than that dude and you are really selling yourself sort.

God bless. I hope that everything works out for the best.

Here's a song that you might like

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
That heartsick look in your eyes
You hide it very well, but I've got the same disguise
I know from all you see around you
You feel worth a very small price
So plain and ordinary, but there's a pearl inside

And if you look in the mirror in the light of the truth
You'll see there's really nothing you could say or do
To make you worth more to the One who made you

Your are a treasure
Worth more than anything under the sun or the moon
God's greatest treasure
Is the treasure of you

The rich man treasures gold and silver
The wise man, his knowledge of truth
Some will hold to memories and some will cling to youth
But to the one who carved out the oceans
And painted the stars in the sky
You are His prized creation, the apple of His eye
There's no one else in the world who could take your place
Just the thought of you brings a smile to His face
God loves you with amazing grace

So take a look in the mirror in the light of the truth
Oh, yes it's true
See there's nothing more you can say or do
God loves the way He created you

From the T to the R to the E to the A to the S to the U to the R to the E
God made everything and of everything He made
More than anything He treasures you and me
Check in in the mirror in the light of the truth
There is nothing you will ever say and nothing you will do
That will ever make God care more than He does for the treasure
God's treasure is you

**Withoutfcf** · May 20th 2012, 06:14 AM

I'm only 17 but..

I can tell you this.. You can't spend every waking moment with each other. Honestly it won't work.
Everyone needs to have their alone time.. It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not..

Jesus Should be your Number 1 priority.. Tell her that she is second to God..and if she gets upset that is a huge problem..
She seems like the jealous type from what i have seen.. But to say its selfish to have hobbies? She is asking you to give up something YOU love for her? Is that not selfish??

Is she giving you an ultimatum?

She has no reason to ask you to give up things you love..

It seems like she wants you to live and die for her(I mean it seems Good but she makes it that you have to..not that you want to)

If you can't talk to your fiancee about little things like counseling..or even small problems?

The fact is..All relationships have problems no matter how much you think its perfect..and if you can't talk about the small thing..its then a BIG thing..

All your time and thought should be more to God not to her.. If she expects you to spend all your time for her and her alone is the most selfish thing i have ever heard.

I don't want to sound mean or offend you in anyway.. But if she can't get over this..and won't do counseling..your marriage will be filled with more problems and in the end you'll be less happy..

If she gets upset or offended about you spending more time on God than her..then That is a HUGE problem and i don't see it worth it.

But never stop... It seems you're trying to fix it and she isn't..she just wants it her way...
So talk to her about all issues..and about Counseling..If you can't/won't then i would hold off a long time before getting married..

**canvasjockey** · May 20th 2012, 06:29 AM

I think you need to both seek counseling with a good christian counselor or pastor (and pre-marital counseling is not necessarily a sign of problems, but of a smart couple taking their plans together seriously enough to prepare) - or just go yourself if she won't go. I would not proceed with marriage till you've resolved this. What you've described sounds like a recipe for disaster and I'm frankly glad you're dealing with this before you get married. Getting married won't fix this, instead it will make it so much worse. This does not sound like a healthy relationship .

My husband is an outgoing, social butterfly, he also can have a higher "need" for us to spend more time together. I'm an introvert who enjoys spending time by myself (a lot like you) - for me it's more of my job than a hobby (I'm an artist) but it's still my passion and something I do well by myself - time alone painting at my easel is something I could do for hours happily, even days. Would he like me to join his social events? Sure - and sometimes I do - I do because I know it makes him happy but most of the time I stay home - it's also easier for him to do his "thing" unsaddled by a socially awkward wife, lol.

We've learned to let each other have our space - or not. He gets to go out and socialize to his hearts content (this is lunches, coffee, car shows, etc...), when we're both home we spend hours together in our studio (he's an artist too), but when he's out doing his "thing" I'm happily home alone loving my time.

I want my husband to be happy even if it isn't doing what I want to do, and he feels the same. This has made for great happiness and contentment between us. It bothers me when spouses are more interested in getting the other to be or do what they want rather than to find a way to make both of them happy. One should not lose who one is in marriage. A good potential spouse would not discourage your hobbies and you would never have felt a need to hide them (that's a big red flag to me).

BTW, we've been married 20 years and it's better than ever. We do have a veto agreement - if there is something one of us feels crosses the line the other will without argument or question cease. We've never had to use it because we both self regulate - it's a natural result of looking out for the others needs and well being.

Please seek help even if she doesn't want to - it doesn't do either of you any good to enter into a union this unprepared! It may not be meant to be, so be prepared to make some hard decisions, but that's so much better than entering into a marriage destined to struggle and possibly fail.

**RhodaW** · May 20th 2012, 08:43 AM

hi scottyscotts,
A couple of thoughts:
If marriage is designed to be a picture of Christ and his church - how far is this reflected in your relationship with your fiancee?
The definition of love is clearly written out in the Bible - how do your attitudes towards each other demonstrate it?
Marriage is always between two imperfect people so it's not about needing to have everything perfect before you head into marriage, but getting wise counsel from people who know you and love you is so vital.
May I challenge you personally on your statement about not having friends - we are called to be infellowship with others - its the place where we can best be challenged to change. where are your friends from church? try to deepen some relationships. God doesnt want you alone in big decisions. and when we cant hear him ourselves, we sometimes need others around.

**scottyscotts** · May 20th 2012, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by BrianW

I'm not sure why you waited this long to tell her about your hobbies. If you love to write/create that's part of who you are. I'm not asking why but it does seem as if you've been a bit deceptive in your dealings with her. A huge part of any relationship is trust and if you can't be honest and up front with her about who you are then how can you expect her to trust you? How can you expect her to believe that you trust her if you've hid this part of you away from her for so long?

That seems to be fundamental relational problem on both your parts and this hobby thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

Thanks BrianW.

I agree, I have been deceptive and dishonest to her, and it’s only recently that I’ve realised this. That’s why I’m telling her these sorts of things now. I want her to know who she’s marrying. I guess I’ve always known that she would be upset if she knew I was doing these things and not spending time on her, like writing her a letter or email, or planning something nice for her. I felt I had to hide it from her to stop her from getting mad and upset. I wanted to avoid upsetting her but still wanted to do the things I enjoy. Now I realise how screwed up that was.

Originally Posted by BrianW

think that if someone can't love you for who you are, who you really are, then they don't really love -you.- Think about that. One other thing. If she really loves you then she will be willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work. If that means premarital counseling then she should be willing. If she wants a mistress slave relationship and you're willing to go along with that (And by your own words it seems that you have been) then this reaction to you opening up to her is just par for the course.

I agree that if she loves me, why wouldn’t she want me doing things I enjoy. I’ve been thinking that lately, so it’s nice to hear it from someone else. She’s always said to me, if you love me you’ll do this, and if you care about me you’ll do this. But lately I’ve been thinking, what about her loving me? It seems it’s been a bit of a one way street.

Originally Posted by BrianW

I’ve always had to agree with
her on everything and not question her. I’ve always had to walk on eggshells
around her, trying not to do anything that might upset her because she is very
sensitive. Not appear grumpy or upset with anything ever because she doesn’t
like that. According to her if I’m with her, nothing else should matter and I
should be happy regardless.

How's that been working for you? Have you been happy? Is that something you're proud of? Is this the way you want the relationship to be for the rest of your life if you and this girl get married? These are questions not judgements or accusations. You want advice? I would suggest that you ask yourself these questions and try to answer them as honestly as you can while spending some serious time in prayer. I would also suggest that you have a couple of private sessions with a trained Christian counselor because it's obvious to me that there's more to your situation than you've written here. That part I quoted up there? You are worth more than that dude and you are really selling yourself sort.

Haha, that’s been working badly for me. I have not been happy doing it, it’s not something I’m proud of, and no, I don’t want our relationship being like this for the rest of our lives.

It’s like I have to constantly put on a happy face and pretend everything is perfect. If I’m upset about something with my family or work, it worries her and stresses her. And then she gets mad at me saying I should be protecting her from stress and worry, and that I should man up and deal with it. So what do I do? Keep feeling the same way but keep it all to myself, feeling unsupported.

Originally Posted by BrianW

God bless. I hope that everything works out for the best.

Here's a song that you might like

Thanks for the help, and thanks for the song. Very cool!

Originally Posted by withoutfcf123

I can tell you this.. You can't spend every waking moment with each other. Honestly it won't work.
Everyone needs to have their alone time.. It doesn't matter if you're in a relationship or not..

Hi withoutfcf123. Thanks for the post.

Yeah, I thought everyone needed time alone too. My fiancée disagrees. I always thought she wanted time alone too though.

Originally Posted by withoutfcf123

Jesus Should be your Number 1 priority.. Tell her that she is second to God..and if she gets upset that is a huge problem..

Nah, I think she’s fine with that.

Originally Posted by withoutfcf123

She seems like the jealous type from what i have seen.. But to say its selfish to have hobbies? She is asking you to give up something YOU love for her? Is that not selfish??

Is she giving you an ultimatum?

She has no reason to ask you to give up things you love..

Yeah, I’ve been thinking what she’s asking of me is selfish too.

She’s not giving an ultimatum exactly, but she’s saying things like “why get married” and that she doesn’t want my [version of married] life. I’ve felt like she was going to break up with me during most arguments throughout our relationship.

Originally Posted by withoutfcf123

It seems like she wants you to live and die for her(I mean it seems Good but she makes it that you have to..not that you want to)

She never tells me I have to do anything. She just says that if I love her I’ll do this and that.

Originally Posted by withoutfcf123

If you can't talk to your fiancee about little things like counseling..or even small problems?

The fact is..All relationships have problems no matter how much you think its perfect..and if you can't talk about the small thing..its then a BIG thing..

I agree! And I’ve never been able to talk to her about what’s bothering me because I’ve always been afraid of upsetting her. Plus, up until a couple of years ago I thought all the problems in our relationship were my fault. Well, heck, I know a lot of them are, but I should be able to talk to her about what’s bothering me right? I wish I could.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the reply. I really appreciate it.