Is my fiancee right to demand I give up my hobbies, interests and who I am? (From CF

[tango]

I can’t handle this. I can’t handle how much I’ve hurt her. She is just completely devastated. I can’t believe I’ve done that to her. I am just total scum. I love her so much. She is everything to me. How could I hurt her like that? I hate this. All I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and make it all better. I just can’t handle her pain.

Was I right to say those things to her? Was I right to tell her what was making me unhappy? Please tell me honestly. I need to know. And was her reaction to what I said justified? Or completely over the top?

Either way, I’ve wussed out. I grew a pair last night and now they’re gone. I can’t do this to her any more. I can’t stand to see her hurt. I love her too much and it just kills me. Maybe she is manipulative but I do love her, and this pain she is feeling is too much. I just can’t keep doing this to her. I’m back pedalling on everything. I’m apologising as much as I can and saying that I didn’t mean the things I said last night. I’m telling her I was a huge idiot. I know I’m a complete wuss for doing this but I don’t care. I can’t stand to see her hurt.

She's devastated because you wanted to talk, because you wanted a balance in your relationship that meant she got some of your time and you got some of your time?

Seriously, if you guys can't talk about the things that concern you without her becoming devastated you're not going to have a happy marriage. As someone already said we're only seeing one side of the picture here but from that one side it sounds like you've definitely got someone manipulative there.

When you say you can't stand to see her hurt, where does it stop? Would you tell her if her breath smelled bad? Would you tell her that her skirt was too short? Would you suggest she wore something else that made her look nicer, even if there was a chance she'd interpret it as "you look fat in that"?

It's one thing to be tactful, it's one thing to protect her from harm, but trying to protect her from reality is never going to work. You're not some kind of automaton created merely to fulfil her every whim, you're not a machine that lacks feelings of its own. If she can't have an adult conversation where two people who care about each other discuss things as equals there are major problems.

In my own marriage there have been times when one or other of us have been upset about something. Sometimes my wife tells me that something I've done has upset her - sometimes I've been out of line and apologised (and changed things so it doesn't recur), other times she's been oversensitive and accepted that I've been reasonable. (The same happens the other way round as well). If we can't talk to each other about such things how can we share our lives meaningfully?

[andrew_no_one]

You're walking on egg shells and you're not even married yet? Your pandering, placating, slobbering apologies...
Wait until you're married and your toothbrush is out of place, you didn't hang the curtains like you said you would, you drank all the milk....
There are women (or men) that are a real blessing, and there are other women (or men) that set out to mold you into the person THEY want you to be instead of the person God made you to be.
She isn't "devastated". That's foolishness. She simply wants you to die to everything but her. She wants to be your God.
Cut this one loose and go away from that deep pit.
I know that sounded harsh but that would be a terrible thing to shackle yourself with. There are good women out there who will choose to love you as you are and will encourage your walk with the Lord as a spouse should do.

[andrew_no_one]

Seriously dude, just burn the bridge and walk away...

[Indueseason]

Scottyscotts, you've got yourself a lot of advice in this thread, but in the end, as I've said before, only you know this girl and only you know this relationship. I seem to be alone in my opinion, but I'm a counselor by profession. and I've dealt with woman/men with insecurities like this. I agree that things have to change before you can even consider marrying this girl, but this can be worked through. Counselling would be great for you both. It's easy for folks on here to tell you to move on, but only you know if you want to try and sort this mess out. This thread will go on and on, with everyone trying to give you the best advice they can, but in the end it's your life, your heart, and you decision. It's time to stop listening to us, and start listening to God.

blessings to you

[Lyndie]

Scotty, you keep saying how good she's been to you. Is that in your eyes or hers? Can you give some examples of how she has been so good to you?

[NewInHim]

Scottyscotts, you've got yourself a lot of advice in this thread, but in the end, as I've said before, only you know this girl and only you know this relationship. I seem to be alone in my opinion, but I'm a counselor by profession. and I've dealt with woman/men with insecurities like this. I agree that things have to change before you can even consider marrying this girl, but this can be worked through. Counselling would be great for you both. It's easy for folks on here to tell you to move on, but only you know if you want to try and sort this mess out. This thread will go on and on, with everyone trying to give you the best advice they can, but in the end it's your life, your heart, and you decision. It's time to stop listening to us, and start listening to God.

blessings to you

No, you are not alone. An 8 year relationship and an engagement is a serious matter, and not to be thrown away lightly in my mind. I have stated a few times that my comments are only based on his side of the story, and that he should not be quick to throw the relationship away. If they are not willing to work through this and try to sort things out, what makes them think they might be able to do so when eventually married someday (to each other or not) and encounter difficulties? I am advocating for time, prayer and counseling together. It think they have some maturing to do as a couple, but I am all for the effort that would take.

Scotty, may I ask what it is about "Love and Respect" that you find objectionable?

[scottyscotts]

Hey everyone, just a quick message because I don’t have time to reply to all of you right now.

I’ve been talking to my fiancée and told her that I know how much she loves me and cares about me, but it hurts me that she can’t accept me for who I am. Whenever I talk about ways she’s hurt me she gets angry. I feel like she just can’t accept that she’s done anything wrong. I know she loves me, so I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to address the things that have been hurting me. I would for her!

There have been a lot of people saying to leave her, and some saying to not do that lightly. I love her and have spent the last 8 years with her. I proposed to her because I want to marry her. If I was willing to run away at the first sign of trouble (or in this case, 100th sign of trouble), what sort of husband would I be? I have chosen to love her for everything she is, and so will continue to fight for her. But I’ve learnt that I can’t change who I am, so I need her to accept that. If we do break up, it’ll be because she can’t accept me for who I am or is too hurt to carry on.

Anyway, she’s talking about telling her parents tonight or tomorrow that we’re breaking up. Once that’s done it’ll be final. I’m trying to convince her to work through it with me. I doubt it’ll work though. She just wants me to say that I didn’t mean everything I said and to prove to her that I’m willing to give up everything for her.

Anyway, I’ll reply to each of you later. Thanks so much for all the support.

[Vhayes]

Hey everyone, just a quick message because I don’t have time to reply to all of you right now.

I’ve been talking to my fiancée and told her that I know how much she loves me and cares about me, but it hurts me that she can’t accept me for who I am. Whenever I talk about ways she’s hurt me she gets angry. I feel like she just can’t accept that she’s done anything wrong. I know she loves me, so I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to address the things that have been hurting me. I would for her!

There have been a lot of people saying to leave her, and some saying to not do that lightly. I love her and have spent the last 8 years with her. I proposed to her because I want to marry her. If I was willing to run away at the first sign of trouble (or in this case, 100th sign of trouble), what sort of husband would I be? I have chosen to love her for everything she is, and so will continue to fight for her. But I’ve learnt that I can’t change who I am, so I need her to accept that. If we do break up, it’ll be because she can’t accept me for who I am or is too hurt to carry on.

Anyway, she’s talking about telling her parents tonight or tomorrow that we’re breaking up. Once that’s done it’ll be final. I’m trying to convince her to work through it with me. I doubt it’ll work though. She just wants me to say that I didn’t mean everything I said and to prove to her that I’m willing to give up everything for her.

Anyway, I’ll reply to each of you later. Thanks so much for all the support.

HOW do you know she loves you? Because she's TOLD you??? Words are cheap. Self examination, a cold, hard look in the mirror - well that takes guts. The cost can be painful and not cheap. But the rewards are huge.

How do you prove to her that you are willing to give up "everything" for her? The girl needs a lap dog, not a boyfriend.

[ChristianCoffee]

I have a very simple response: straight from the Bible. I have been married for 22 years now, so I have a bit of "experience".

Deuteronomy 22:10 says:

"Do not plow with an ox and a donkey."

In 2 Cor 6:14 it says:

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"


Now, I am not necessarily calling her an unbeliever. But what I am saying is, you cannot have a life together with someone who cannot/will not do what is best for the other person. In a relationship like marriage, one thing that keeps it going (for my marriage, anyway) is I am always looking for ways to serve her. In return, she is always looking for ways to serve me.

My wife will not deny me things I wish to do (mostly hunt and fish, but sometimes it is just sitting here on the computer), as long as it is not a determent to our relationship. I do the same thing for her. I would never stop her from going out with friends, and she likewise. I "put up" with her crocheting, and she "puts up" with my fantasy sports teams. Those are just an example.

I have seen many answers, some harsh, some out of love. And advice is always freely given by almost anyone. My only advice to you is this:

Search the scriptures to see how a husband and wife are supposed to behave. Look at how Christ shows Himself to the church. Look at how the church is supposed to respond. Then pray, and finally decide what you want/need to do. I will be honest: sometimes you have to prune the "dead wood" away, and it can hurt. But in the pruning, the entire tree gets more nourishment: it grows, and can become an amazing thing to behold.

Anyways, that is my "advice" to you: just be prayerful in all that you do.

And I will be praying for you as well: that our Father will show you what needs to be done in this situation.


In Him,

CC

Romans 8:16

[Diggindeeper]

People need to know and understand that marriage is a partnership! Its two people walking together for the rest of their life. That's never easy.

But from my own experience, let me say that each of us must live for the other and we walk this walk together. True love is a benevolent love. A GIVING love.

Ephesians 5:32-33
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

If you two can't walk together NOW and reach such a simple agreement, then why on earth do you think marriage would change anything?

You've never said whether or not the two of you are in church together. Seeking to serve the Lord together. Working as a team 'in training' for a lifetime together. Do you pray together? Study the Bible together? Visit the sick together?

The best thing you both can do is get your life to Christ as it should be and the rest will fall into place........... This is the voice of experience talking to you.

[amazzin]

On the note below this thread has run its course. I think the OP has what you need to move forward

People need to know and understand that marriage is a partnership! Its two people walking together for the rest of their life. That's never easy.

But from my own experience, let me say that each of us must live for the other and we walk this walk together. True love is a benevolent love. A GIVING love.

Ephesians 5:32-33
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

If you two can't walk together NOW and reach such a simple agreement, then why on earth do you think marriage would change anything?

You've never said whether or not the two of you are in church together. Seeking to serve the Lord together. Working as a team 'in training' for a lifetime together. Do you pray together? Study the Bible together? Visit the sick together?

The best thing you both can do is get your life to Christ as it should be and the rest will fall into place........... This is the voice of experience talking to you.