Hi everyone. I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this
so feel free to move it if it’s wrong.
I have a big problem that I can’t find the answer to.
My fiancťe and I have been together for 8 years, and engaged for
5 months. Major cracks are starting to show in our relationship, but to be
honest I think our problems have always been there right from the start.
My fiancťe will always be my number one priority. I’ve always
loved having time to myself to pursue hobbies though. They’re all things that I
do from home and just enjoy doing in my spare time. I don’t have any friends
and don’t drink, so it’s not like I’m going out all the time. Whenever my fiancťe
comes round to my house, or whenever I’m with her, I spend all my time with
her. I don’t do anything to do with my hobbies. In the last couple of years I
haven’t pursued them at all. And before that my fiancťe wouldn’t even really know
about them. It probably sounds bad, putting it like that, but they’re just
things like, writing, creating and making things etc.
I feel I haven’t been totally honest with her about how much I
enjoy my hobbies. I feel like I’ve been lying to her for 8 years about it. I’ve
always been afraid to tell her these things because I don’t want to make her
angry or upset her. However, I now feel she should know the truth before we get
married. So the other night we were talking about it and I mentioned that I
just really enjoy having hobbies that I pursue by myself. I always have. That’s
just who I am.
That upset her. She couldn’t understand it. She said that if I
truly loved her she would have all my focus and attention. She should be my
whole world. She said I should be willing to give up every hobby and interest
of mine for her. She says I should give up who I am for her. She thinks that I
should only want to be with her and do things with her, never by myself. She
said that all my hobbies are selfish, because they’re so solitary. She says
that all the things she does, she tries to do for others, or so others can
benefit somehow. She is right, she does a lot for other people, but to be fair,
a lot of the things she does, she enjoys. She also pursues a couple of selfish
interests too though. I’m fine with that though. Doesn’t bother me. Just what
ever makes her happy. That’s all I care about. We have many hobbies and
interests that we share together too. We both love spending time together.
She did make a good point that I agreed with right away. She said
that I live in my own little world where I’m always looking for things that I’ll
enjoy doing. I guess I’ve only recently realised the sorts of hobbies that I
enjoy and tried to find some to pursue after not doing any for a while. I just
love doing them. I’ve been talking a lot about the sorts of jobs I’d prefer to
do etc too. She said I’m just being so selfish with the way I talk about those
things all the time. Not caring about how she feels or anything. I think she
had a good point. I am off in my own little world. Probably not a good thing.
I should point out that all of this isn’t just out of the blue.
Our relationship has always had more than its fair share of problems, and this
latest argument is the latest in a long line of arguments lately.
I just have no idea what to do. She will always be my number one
priority. She will always come before my hobbies. I will always want to spend
time with her before pursuing a hobby. I think that isn’t enough for her
though. According to her, even then she won’t have all of my focus, and that’s
what she wants. I told her that just because I enjoy doing something, doesn’t
mean I have to do it. I said that I would happily not do any hobbies and spend
all my time with her. She said that I should not even want to do my hobbies. I shouldn’t
even enjoy them. I should only want to do things with her. How can I stop
myself enjoying certain hobbies???
Is she right to expect me to give up absolutely everything and
give up who I am when we get married? I honestly don’t know. I don’t care if
she pursues her hobbies and interests without me. It doesn’t bother me at all.
If they made her happy then that’s all that would matter to me. I think we’re
just two completely different people who enjoy doing things together, but also
enjoy doing completely different things as well.
I guess this is how our relationship has always been. We’ve only
ever done things she wants to do. I’ve always followed her around doing whatever
she wanted, doing whatever she asked me to do. I’ve always had to agree with
her on everything and not question her. I’ve always had to walk on eggshells
around her, trying not to do anything that might upset her because she is very
sensitive. Not appear grumpy or upset with anything ever because she doesn’t
like that. According to her if I’m with her, nothing else should matter and I
should be happy regardless.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about her. She is amazing
and has supported me so much in my work and study. She is such an amazing and
kind person, honestly. I’m just lost right now as to what to do.
I’ve prayed to God endlessly about this. I’ve asked for his guidance
and to tell me what to do. I’ve asked him if he even wants us to be together,
or if he wants us apart. I’ve told him that I trust him 100 percent and will do
whatever he tells me. Having had no reply in any way I’m thinking I’m either
not hearing or noticing what he’s telling me to do, or he thinks I should work
it out myself.
Please help me. I am so lost and don’t know what to do. Is she
wrong to demand these things? Or am I just being a selfish jerk? Even if I happily
don’t pursue my hobbies, that’s not enough. She wants me to not even enjoy
them. How on earth can I stop myself enjoying certain hobbies?? I have no idea.
If I knew how, I would do it. I don’t know how to stop enjoying the things I
enjoy. I feel like the role of her husband has very large shoes, and my feet
don’t even come close to filling them...
What do I do? Thanks in advance!
***Just an update.***
I’ve been talking with her and it is really bothering her that I’m saying I like to have a little time to myself sometimes. I’ve told her that I like spending time with her the most, but she doesn’t understand how that is true if I like to have a little time to myself as well. I think she sees these marriages where a husband and wife do absolutely everything together and spend time only with each other, and wants that with me.
*** Update 2***
I’ve been telling my fiancťe today that I just need a small amount of time alone. I’ve been saying just half an hour a week to do things I enjoy, although I would actually like longer. She’s been saying that a marriage like that isn’t the biblical form of marriage. She thinks it’s selfish. She thinks that each partner in a marriage should fully devote themselves to the other and give up all selfish desires for that person. They should be a willing slave to that person. They should give up everything they are for that person. Is she right? I mean, that is what the Bible says right? So shouldn’t I be willing to give up everything I enjoy for her?
She's saying she doesn't want to marry the person I've become, and that I've really hurt her today with everything I've said to her (I've said that I just want a small amount of time to myself every now and then, and that sometimes I feel like she doesn't care about how I feel). What I said is the most I've ever said to her about how I really feel.
This is all just so incredibly hard.
She's just reminded me of how amazing she's been to me in our relationship. She's been so forgiving of me, and has been so supportive of me with work and study. She really has been amazing. And now I feel like a complete jerk who's completly broken her heart. What am I doing? I'm just hurting her all over again. I want all our issues dealt with but I can't stand to hurt her.
Well, I’ve just been talking to my fiancťe again and I’ve hurt her so much tonight from being honest about how I feel that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She’s now saying that she would have happily let me pursue my hobbies for even 4 hours a day. She just wanted me to be willing to give it all up for her. And I showed her tonight that I wasn’t willing to do that. She quoted the Bible “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for Her.” Well heck, I failed that didn’t I! I was unwilling to give up anything for her. What a terrible husband I would make.
I’ve strongly suggested counselling but she made it clear she doesn’t want it. She said she doesn’t believe in it, that they don’t know our 8 year history, and that I need to just love her. I need to change. She’s saying that she doesn’t want her engagement ring, and asked if I want it. She said she’s going to wait a few days to think of what to tell everyone. She says she actually feels relief. I can’t handle this. I’m starting to back-pedal on everything I’ve said. I’m asking her not to end this. We’ve almost broken up many times before, but I think this is really it. My whole world is crashing down around me. What the heck do I do???