Is my fiancee right to demand I give up my hobbies, interests and who I am? (From CF

[Vhayes]

I’m starting to back-pedal on everything I’ve said. I’m asking her not to end this.

And the next time the two of you have a disagreement, she will use THIS as her weapon of choice.

Count your blessings and walk away from this, at least for a time. The young woman sounds like a manipulator.

[scottyscotts]

And the next time the two of you have a disagreement, she will use THIS as her weapon of choice.

Count your blessings and walk away from this, at least for a time. The young woman sounds like a manipulator.

Maybe you're right, but I love her. She's the only girl I've ever been with. I have no friends, no family, and now I don't have her either. Now I have nothing. I suddenly feel so alone. This truly is the worst day of my life. This is absolutely devastating.

[Vhayes]

Maybe you're right, but I love her. She's the only girl I've ever been with. I have no friends, no family, and now I don't have her either. Now I have nothing. I suddenly feel so alone. This truly is the worst day of my life. This is absolutely devastating.

If you have the Lord living within, you are never alone.

My advice? Talk to God about ALL of this. Your emotions, your thoughts, your feeling alone and not liking it very well. Tell Him WHY you say you love her - is it her smile? The way she makes you feel about yourself? Her concern for others? Ask Him to help you sort through what you should do. He will because He loves you.

[scottyscotts]

If you have the Lord living within, you are never alone.

My advice? Talk to God about ALL of this. Your emotions, your thoughts, your feeling alone and not liking it very well. Tell Him WHY you say you love her - is it her smile? The way she makes you feel about yourself? Her concern for others? Ask Him to help you sort through what you should do. He will because He loves you.

Thanks a lot. I'll do that.

[scottyscotts]

Well, I think it’s all over. She said that she’s always put her happiness second to mine which is why what I was saying to her stung so much. And she’s right, she always has. She’s been amazing to me. I can hardly say the same though. So often I’ve put my happiness first. I’ve been such an idiot. Why on earth did I ever say anything to her about this? I’ve just been a complete selfish jerk. I’ve lost absolutely everything now. This is the most horrible feeling I’ve ever felt. I just want to die. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely alone. What have I done?

I'll do what Vhayes suggested and pray to God.

[Jeanne D]

MOD NOTE

I am moving this to the Counseling Requests Forum.

Jeanne

[Lyndie]

Someone saying "If you love me you will a b c" can be the highest form of manipulation there is. If you married her the way things are now, I can almost guarantee it won't work out well. You will end up resenting her for giving up things you enjoy, or she will resent you because her idea of what a spouse is is way off. It seems she is depending on you to keep her happy, that's codependency, and very unhealthy.

[scottyscotts]

Someone saying "If you love me you will a b c" can be the highest form of manipulation there is. If you married her the way things are now, I can almost guarantee it won't work out well. You will end up resenting her for giving up things you enjoy, or she will resent you because her idea of what a spouse is is way off. It seems she is depending on you to keep her happy, that's codependency, and very unhealthy.

Hi Lyndie, thanks for the reply.

I went to bed last night, and got up not long ago thinking for a second that it was all just a bad dream. Everything you just said; 24 hours ago I would have agreed with you. I probably do now too but I feel like I don’t care about any of that now. I just want her. She has been truly amazing to me over the years, and I’ve just treated her terribly. This is just the latest thing I’ve done. Seriously, she was right. She has always put her happiness second to mine and loved me completely unconditionally. I look back and can see that in everything she’s ever done. I mean, really, I don’t deserve someone as great as her.

She said that she’s realised now that I can’t give her an all consuming passionate love like she needs. I feel like I can though, and right now I would happily give up all my hobbies and things for her. Is that totally screwed up? Probably. But like I said, I don’t care because I just want her.

How on earth am I supposed to live without her? What do I do now? She was my whole life. All I have now is my stupid house and my stupid job.

[BrianW]

I don't want to sound like a jerk here but it seems as if your describing two different people instead of one when you write about her.

I should point out that all of this isn’t just out of the blue.
Our relationship has always had more than its fair share of problems, and this
latest argument is the latest in a long line of arguments lately.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about her. She is amazing
and has supported me so much in my work and study. She is such an amazing and
kind person, honestly.

It’s like I have to constantly put on a happy face and pretend everything is perfect. If I’m upset about something with my family or work, it worries her and stresses her. And then she gets mad at me saying I should be protecting her from stress and worry, and that I should man up and deal with it. So what do I do? Keep feeling the same way but keep it all to myself, feeling unsupported.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about her. She is amazing
and has supported me so much in my work and study. She is such an amazing and
kind person, honestly.

I guess this is how our relationship has always been. We’ve only
ever done things she wants to do. I’ve always followed her around doing whatever
she wanted, doing whatever she asked me to do. I’ve always had to agree with
her on everything and not question her. I’ve always had to walk on eggshells
around her, trying not to do anything that might upset her because she is very
sensitive. Not appear grumpy or upset with anything ever because she doesn’t
like that. According to her if I’m with her, nothing else should matter and I
should be happy regardless

She has always put her happiness second to mine and loved me completely unconditionally. I look back and can see that in everything she’s ever done.

[Indueseason]

Tell her how you feel.Tell her you were stupid and now realise that your relationship with her, is what matters most. If she loves you like you say she does, she will forgive you. If she loves you, she will miss you. Give it a couple of days,think about what you want. Make sure you want a relationship with her, because you love her, for who she is, and not through a fear of being alone. Work through these things, pray and seek the Lord about it, and if you still feel the same, go and speak to her. If your meant to be together, all this will work itself out.

blessings to you

[scottyscotts]

I don't want to sound like a jerk here but it seems as if your describing two different people instead of one when you write about her.

Don’t worry about sounding like a jerk, I need complete honesty (not that you sound like a jerk anyway).

Yeah, you’re right, that is how it sounds. I know how messed up our relationship sounded. I know how manipulating she seems. I love her though, and I just want her. I know that’s messed up but I’m just hurting so bad right now and I can’t handle it.

Tell her how you feel.Tell her you were stupid and now realise that your relationship with her, is what matters most. If she loves you like you say she does, she will forgive you. If she loves you, she will miss you. Give it a couple of days,think about what you want. Make sure you want a relationship with her, because you love her, for who she is, and not through a fear of being alone. Work through these things, pray and seek the Lord about it, and if you still feel the same, go and speak to her. If your meant to be together, all this will work itself out.

blessings to you

I have told her all of that. Over and over. She says I’ve hurt her too bad to get over it now though. This on top of all the other times I’ve hurt her. She hurts so easily though. How can I ever talk to her about things that are bothering me without hurting her? I’ll think about it and pray to God about it.

Thanks for the post.

[Dani H]

I have told her all of that. Over and over. She says I’ve hurt her too bad to get over it now though. This on top of all the other times I’ve hurt her. She hurts so easily though. How can I ever talk to her about things that are bothering me without hurting her? I’ll think about it and pray to God about it.

That's a natural outcome of things when you make one person "your entire world." They become your sun and the source of all your happiness and pain. That is exactly what happens. As would be expected. It happened this way because of her own doing and by her own decisions. And, she has to accept that and quit blaming you for her own choices she's made throughout the years. The hardest things to accept in a relationship are usually the things we learn about ourselves along the way. It's easy to pass blame. It's difficult to look in the mirror and ask "well how did I contribute to this mess?" Because it takes two people. She's put too many demands on you, and on the relationship. Now it's letting her down. Well, ya can't get blood out of a turnip, as they say. Unrealistic expectations are unrealistic. And if you can't be honest about your feelings with your own chosen life partner ... then who? That's supposed to be the person who has your back, yes?

Being the entire world to another person is just simply too much for a person to bear.

As you are now finding out.

Nobody deserves that kind of a burden. We're not made for it.

As you are now finding out.

Neither one of you needs to change. Because love accepts a person for who and what they are. Like God accepts us. His love for us is unconditional. You can make adjustments, and you can compromise, but you cannot change who and what you are.

A leopard cannot change its spots. That is in the Bible, and it is completely true. We are who we are, by God's design. We are made BY Him, FOR Him. You belong to God, first. He has prime dibs on you. Nobody else does. So beware of taking "ownership" of another human being because at that point you're going to have to deal with God Himself, and you're not going to like it very much because He will have the final word, always.

Now, having said that, if you've got a person who's willing to be with you for the rest of your lives, then you've got something. Seriously. Cause I'm not all that and a bag of chips either, know what I mean? God bless my husband for wanting to put up with me all day every day.

You said you were together since you were 16. Well you're not 16 anymore. You're in your mid 20s and grown adults. You are a man and no longer a boy. She is a woman and no longer a girl.

So if you're going to be together, then learn to accept each other for who and what you are, as the adults you are, and choose each other. Because love is a choice. If someone has to browbeat me into being with them ... what does that say about them? About me? About our relationship?

I'm with my husband because I choose to be. Willingly. Nobody browbeat me or guilt tripped me. I didn't have to change, he didn't have to change. We did try to "change" each other at first, but you realize pretty soon how immature and childish that is, and then you get over yourself and grow up. Because people aren't buffets. We are complete beings. You either love that person, competely, for who they are, or not. If she wants to be loved for who she is, then she needs to extend the same courtesy because we can't have it both ways, and we can never ask from people what we're unwilling to give.

Maybe leave your teenage dysfunction behind, both of you, and come together as the grown adults you are, clear off the cobwebs, toss out the baggage, and start over in an actual adult relationship without all the teenage angst and insecurity?

You can't love a person their way. You can only love them your way. If I want someone to love me my way ... well I'm the only one who can do that. I don't need another person for that. That's my problem at that point. My husband can only love me his way. And, it has to be enough. Just like I can only love and respect him my way. So that has to be enough too. Because it is what it is. We all love differently.

Does she know that as wives we're called to respect our husbands? Where is her respect for you, is what I'd like to know? I can't emasculate my husband and treat him like a boy and then expect him to act like a man. You can't have it both ways. You really just simply can't. So she's going to have to decide if she wants a boy she can control or a man who has his own mind and who can step up and be a man and the protector of the home and provider of the family. And you ... can either have a wife, or a mom, but not both.

Seems to me like you've both got some decisions to make and maybe some growing up to do, eh?

[Athanasius]

Well, I think it’s all over. She said that she’s always put her happiness second to mine which is why what I was saying to her stung so much. And she’s right, she always has. She’s been amazing to me. I can hardly say the same though. So often I’ve put my happiness first. I’ve been such an idiot. Why on earth did I ever say anything to her about this? I’ve just been a complete selfish jerk. I’ve lost absolutely everything now. This is the most horrible feeling I’ve ever felt. I just want to die. I don’t know what to do. I feel completely alone. What have I done?

I'll do what Vhayes suggested and pray to God.

You made the right decision, is what you've done. Perhaps this is an opportunity for both of you to grow and enter into self-reflection; perhaps this is something both of you need, and the relationship will resume in the future, or perhaps it won't. I had to make the same decision with a girl I was with for nearly four years'; my first girlfriend at that. Hated breaking up with her, and I still hate that I had to. It's all worked out though, and the decision, as hard as it was, was probably for the best. From the sound of your OP and your other posts, you were heading for a train wreck of a marriage.

[Godslittleangel]

I think it was a good hting that the relationship ended. For your sake nad even hers. She seems very controlling, manipulative and insecure and self serving. a lot of growing up to do. If you'd have gone through with the wedding, it wouldn't have been good. No person who loves you for you tells you to change into someone else. thats not real love. You deserve someone better than that. So find a church, get involved with a bible study and meet some Christian friends. Get together with a pastor too if you would like to talk with someone face to face too. And most importantly, pray. Let God have control. Let him have your whole heart, your whole being and let him be in control. Let him carry you through it and guide you where he wants you to be. He won't let you down.

[Withoutfcf]

"If I love her I’ll do this and that" This is Kind of an Ultimatum...
She is basically saying If you don't do this and that YOU don't love her?

Now i think since you're so worried about your relationship and her..that this just isn't true..You do love her!

So how is it if you like hobbies you don't?

Jesus said that too.."If you love me you'll do as I command" But in the original translation "If" was actually "Because" ..So now its "Because you love me you will do as I Command" It Changes the whole theme Of what he was saying... no longer making it an ultimatum..acknowledging that (He was talking to his disciples) they did love him and never diminishing that or saying there could be a reason they don't.

If She truly loves you..why are "Hobbies" a Problem?
And why would She even consider that you didn't love her?
It really seems she is Immature in this.. and Like She would avoid trying to hurt people she doesn't know but You..
Or Not necessarily "Hurt" but Push If you will..



I'm really sorry this is happening..but if she is giving up on your relationship over something this small..Then she isn't ready for you or "Worth it" But i think everyone is worth it she just has to be willing to try..

"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and Gave Himself up for her" Love is separate from physical.
To say you Don't love her because You won't give up Hobbies for her(Even though you clearly stated you would) is wrong and immature again.. You have stated you would give everything for her..and it doesn't seem like She will let it in her head..
and even if you didn't ...she shouldn't ask you to do that if she "Loved you" as long as it is not hurting your relationship or isn't sinful SHE should not be asking these things.

I really don't know what to say Bro.. If she refuses Counseling.. Is willing to break off 8 years because of this..She doesn't "Love" you with the same love she is Demanding out of you..
If she can't give it..Then she shouldn't demand it.
And if she can't give it..She shouldn't be trying to marry anyone..
Until she can Mentally and Spiritually Grow up YOU should not marry her..
Unfortunately that is all there is now..