Should I love the interests as my fiancee?

[scottyscotts]

Hi everyone,

Some of you might remember the problems I was having with my fiancée a couple of weeks ago. We’re in another argument now and I need a reality check. I need to know from you guys if she’s right to be making the requests she’s making.

First of all, the other day she got upset with me because she’s always felt that I haven’t been willing to put her first and make her my main priority. She feels that she’ll always come second to hobbies of mine etc. She wants to feel like I would sacrifice everything for her. She doesn’t want me to, but wants to feel like I would happily do so for her. She wants to feel like she’s more important to me that everything else in my life, such as hobbies etc. I thought what she was asking sounded fair so I said I would make more of an effort to show her how important she is to me, and show her that she comes before my hobbies and interests etc.

Anyway, after our argument a couple of weeks ago I realised that during our entire relationship I haven’t been honest with her. I’ve only ever told her what I thought would make her happy, whether it was true or not. So now I’m trying to be honest with her about things. The other day we were talking about her favourite band. I told her for the first time that I like a few of their songs but otherwise they don’t really do anything for me. I wouldn’t generally choose to listen to them.

A couple of days later she brought it up and was really upset about it. She can’t understand why I don’t like that band. I’ve been saying that I don’t dislike them, just that I wouldn’t choose to listen to them myself. I love listening to them around her because I see how happy that music makes her. I love seeing how much she loves that music. She thinks that her love for that music should make me love it too. She said when we were first dating she started listening to my favourite band and liked the music, not because it was good music, but because I liked it. She liked it and got enjoyment out of it only because I liked it. Now she can’t understand why I’m not the same with her favourite band. Does she have a point? Should I love listening to them when she’s not around, not because I like the music, but because she loves them?

She’s been saying to me that in the Bible it says when two people get married they become one flesh. But as I asked her, does that mean two people become identical with all the same interests? Or that two individuals come together as one flesh? Well, she said that two people become one flesh but two souls. Makes sense to me. But is she right to expect me to enjoy all the things she loves just because she loves them? I love all her family and pets and friends. But we don’t share all the same interests. She said that she doesn’t expect me to love clothes etc like she does, but to love her favourite band even though I don’t particularly enjoy the music? That doesn’t sound right to me. Am I wrong? Does she have a really good point?

Thanks everyone.

[jayne]

Brother, this thread is almost identical in nature to one you posted on May 19th, just a few short weeks ago. That post was about her not enjoying your hobbies and this post is about you not enjoying her hobbies. I quoted some of your other post below.

On the other thread, you received 5 pages of excellent counsel from people and two us of gave you excellent counsel last night on yet another thread about your fear that you are making the wrong decision.

Instead of turning this thread into 5 pages of wise counsel that you are going to ignore yet again, please go back and read all the wise words you received from about a dozen wonderfully sage people here on your other thread in this forum.

All you are doing with opening up this thread is showing everyone who spoke in the other thread that you didn't heed anything that they said.

I'll leave you with this - pre-marital counseling is what you need. Pre-marital counseling with give the opportunity to nip minor problems in the bud before you marry so that they won't turn into devastating ones after you are married. EVERY couple should have some degree of pre-marital counseling.

I have a big problem that I can’t find the answer to.

My fiancée and I have been together for 8 years, and engaged for
5 months. Major cracks are starting to show in our relationship, but to be
honest I think our problems have always been there right from the start.

My fiancée will always be my number one priority. I’ve always
loved having time to myself to pursue hobbies though. They’re all things that I
do from home and just enjoy doing in my spare time. I don’t have any friends
and don’t drink, so it’s not like I’m going out all the time. Whenever my fiancée
comes round to my house, or whenever I’m with her, I spend all my time with
her. I don’t do anything to do with my hobbies. In the last couple of years I
haven’t pursued them at all. And before that my fiancée wouldn’t even really know
about them. It probably sounds bad, putting it like that, but they’re just
things like, writing, creating and making things etc.

I feel I haven’t been totally honest with her about how much I
enjoy my hobbies. I feel like I’ve been lying to her for 8 years about it. I’ve
always been afraid to tell her these things because I don’t want to make her
angry or upset her. However, I now feel she should know the truth before we get
married. So the other night we were talking about it and I mentioned that I
just really enjoy having hobbies that I pursue by myself. I always have. That’s
just who I am.

That upset her. She couldn’t understand it. She said that if I
truly loved her she would have all my focus and attention. She should be my
whole world. She said I should be willing to give up every hobby and interest
of mine for her. She says I should give up who I am for her. She thinks that I
should only want to be with her and do things with her, never by myself. She
said that all my hobbies are selfish, because they’re so solitary. She says
that all the things she does, she tries to do for others, or so others can
benefit somehow. She is right, she does a lot for other people, but to be fair,
a lot of the things she does, she enjoys. She also pursues a couple of selfish
interests too though. I’m fine with that though. Doesn’t bother me. Just what
ever makes her happy. That’s all I care about. We have many hobbies and
interests that we share together too. We both love spending time together.

[Dani H]

She’s been saying to me that in the Bible it says when two people get married they become one flesh.

What that means, is covenant. That means what you do affects your spouse and what your spouse do affects you, and what each of you go through affects the other person because you are a unit and are in everything together.

That is why Paul says that a man who mistreats his wife is really mistreating himself. The two become one flesh. How you treat your spouse, is how you treat yourself. End of story.

HOWEVER

That doesn't mean we lose our individual personalities and tastes and preferences by melding in into some greater consciousness.

Marriage is ultimately about how two people treat each other. It has nothing to do with interests, hobbies, career choices, etc. Those are completely secondary and, in the scope of things, not even important. Because all those things are subject to change. Our tastes change, our preferences change, our hobbies change, our interests change.

What is never subject to change, are the expectations of God when it comes to the two spouses treating each other and dealing with each other.

My husband and I have interest that are completely different. He enjoys sports; I can't stand it. He loves playing golf; you'd probably have to pay me money to get on a golf course and chase some ball around with some stick through the landscaping and shrubbery. He loves watching TV; it bores me to pieces. I love gaming; he only does so very limited. We love different music, different books. We're two different people! And, that is perfectly fine.

Because ... we treat each other well, we make each other laugh, we're respectful of the other person, we put God first in our lives, and we abide by His standards when it comes to how to treat one another and make our life choices together. In every situation, we are considerate of the other person's interest. We seek each other's feedback and advice. When we disagree, we seek resolution and try to compromise and find a solution to things we can both be happy with.

You and your fiancee are squabbling over very, very minor things that have nothing to do with anything, honestly. Marriage is all about how you treat each other and that you seek the other person's best interest and see to it that their needs are met. That you model how Jesus treats His Church and how His Bride responds.

You know man, I respect you a lot for even trying to do right by your woman. That's a lot less common than people think. But I think you two should lose focus on the unimportant things and really focus on what matters here, especially if you're going to be life partners because marriage is a big deal.

I'm with Jayne here when it comes to marriage counseling. Because honestly I really don't think either one of you understands what marriage is really all about. Don't go into this unprepared. Please.

[scottyscotts]

Brother, this thread is almost identical in nature to one you posted on May 19th, just a few short weeks ago. That post was about her not enjoying your hobbies and this post is about you not enjoying her hobbies. I quoted some of your other post below.

On the other thread, you received 5 pages of excellent counsel from people and two us of gave you excellent counsel last night on yet another thread about your fear that you are making the wrong decision.

Instead of turning this thread into 5 pages of wise counsel that you are going to ignore yet again, please go back and read all the wise words you received from about a dozen wonderfully sage people here on your other thread in this forum.

All you are doing with opening up this thread is showing everyone who spoke in the other thread that you didn't heed anything that they said.

Hello again!

The post I made a couple of weeks ago was actually about her wanting me to give up all of my hobbies and interests. This one is about her wanting me to adopt her hobbies and interests.

Yes, I received a lot of great advice. The thread got closed before my issue could be resolved though so I’ll fill you in.

My fiancée came round to my house and she was absolutely devastated. She was bawling her eyes out and I couldn’t handle her being that hurt. I was convinced that she was a very manipulative person and always had been. I’d even been reading all sorts of information on the internet about girls like that and everything seemed to fit her. Then as I talked to her I began to wonder if actually everything she had been saying is true, and it isn’t that she’s manipulative, but that I haven’t been loving her enough and treating her well enough. We sorted through some of our issues and the problems that I had; I realised they were actually my problems, not hers. And I realised that she didn’t want me to give up all my hobbies and interests. She just wanted me to be willing to sacrifice them for her. She wanted to know that she came before them. She wanted to know that she was my main priority, not them. I thought that was fair. So then things were good again.

I realised that I’d been asking people of their opinion of her and our relationship when they only had my side of the story. And that none of them actually know either of us. I got some great advice but was asking too much of everyone.

All I am asking of this thread is: Is she right to expect me to like the same things as her just because she likes them? I just need a reality check. Is that okay and normal? Or am I right to question that?

What that means, is covenant. That means what you do affects your spouse and what your spouse do affects you, and what each of you go through affects the other person because you are a unit and are in everything together.

That is why Paul says that a man who mistreats his wife is really mistreating himself. The two become one flesh. How you treat your spouse, is how you treat yourself. End of story.

HOWEVER

That doesn't mean we lose our individual personalities and tastes and preferences by melding in into some greater consciousness.

Yeah, well that’s what I thought too! Thanks for confirming that for me!

Marriage is ultimately about how two people treat each other. It has nothing to do with interests, hobbies, career choices, etc. Those are completely secondary and, in the scope of things, not even important. Because all those things are subject to change. Our tastes change, our preferences change, our hobbies change, our interests change.

That’s what I thought as well! Who cares what each other’s hobbies and interests are. It generally shouldn’t change a marriage right?

Because ... we treat each other well, we make each other laugh, we're respectful of the other person, we put God first in our lives, and we abide by His standards when it comes to how to treat one another and make our life choices together. In every situation, we are considerate of the other person's interest. We seek each other's feedback and advice. When we disagree, we seek resolution and try to compromise and find a solution to things we can both be happy with.

When my fiancée and I disagree it usually ends up with me trying to resolve it and doing all the compromise. I can’t think of one time it was mutual.

You and your fiancee are squabbling over very, very minor things that have nothing to do with anything, honestly.

You know man, I respect you a lot for even trying to do right by your woman. That's a lot less common than people think. But I think you two should lose focus on the unimportant things and really focus on what matters here, especially if you're going to be life partners because marriage is a big deal.

Tell me about it! But she always makes things like this into something huge! I just can’t understand what the big deal was. I don’t want to focus on this. I know it doesn’t matter, but to her it does matter. To her it is huge. So what, I don’t like her favourite band as much as her. I couldn’t care less if she hated my favourite band, or hated all of my interests and hobbies. I don’t want to marry a clone of myself. It just drives me insane how she makes such a huge deal out of nothing and then makes me feel like a terrible about it. The only reason I’m posting in here about it is because she is really really upset about it and I need to know if it’s normal and okay. When I tried telling her it shouldn’t be such a big deal she said that because she’s so upset about it, I should see it as a big deal. All that should matter to me is how upset she is by it.



I would love some sort of premarital counselling but I’m not sure how keen she is to do it. I don’t think she’ll want to be told she’s crazy for acting the way she does. And more importantly, I don’t think she’ll want me to be told that she shouldn’t act like that.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the advice. I really appreciate it.

[Diggindeeper]

Well, you said you really need a reality check, so here you go.

If you two go ahead and get married, which I suspect would not be anytime soon because you are both so young you can't get married right away...but should you surprise me and jump into marriage...its definitely a marriage doomed from day one.

Both of you are into silly, childish 'arguments' that really are no more than teen 'drama'. Drama, drama, drama!

She finds the silliest things to boo hoo and complain to you about, and you are so afraid of losing your girl that you would jump through a fiery hoop to get her to go on being your 'girlfriend'. Everything you ask advise about is nothing bur more and more silly drama.

That my young friend, is your reality check.... Sorry to be so harsh, but its the truth. I know what I'm talking about having been in a marriage that lasted 55 years. I am the voice of experience speaking to you...........

[Vhayes]

Let me get this right...

You should not have hobbies or interests because they take away from "her" and what she wants.

She wants you to somehow "love" all the things she "loves" so you can be closer.

Hmmmm. No manipulation here. Nope. No control issues either. None at alllllll.

[Vhayes]

All I am asking of this thread is: Is she right to expect me to like the same things as her just because she likes them? I just need a reality check. Is that okay and normal? Or am I right to question that?

Just so you know...

I have been married for 40 years this October. Now and again, I get into my husbands work van as a passenger and when he turns the key over, the radio starts blaring country western music. I want to beat him heavily about the head and shoulders with a Louiseville Slugger. I HATE country western music.

I cook every night. But I try not to cook fish very often even though I like it a lot because my husband simply does not like it. Now and again, I will ask him if he would mind if I fix a fish meal - and he almost always graciously acquiesces.

Get help now. If you don't, you will be working for the rest of your life to make a marriage work only to discover it isn't a marriage at all - it's nothing more than a self-centered girls idea of "True Love".

[scottyscotts]

That my young friend, is your reality check.... Sorry to be so harsh, but its the truth. I know what I'm talking about having been in a marriage that lasted 55 years. I am the voice of experience speaking to you...........

Lol, don’t worry about being harsh. I’ve had 8 years of bluntness and harshness from my fiancée. I can easily take it.

If you two go ahead and get married, which I suspect would not be anytime soon because you are both so young you can't get married right away...but should you surprise me and jump into marriage...its definitely a marriage doomed from day one.

It should be telling to me that you think I’m so young that I can’t get married right away. Perhaps a sign of the maturity of our relationship? We’re both 24 years old… And have been dating for 8 years…

Both of you are into silly, childish 'arguments' that really are no more than teen 'drama'. Drama, drama, drama!

She finds the silliest things to boo hoo and complain to you about, and you are so afraid of losing your girl that you would jump through a fiery hoop to get her to go on being your 'girlfriend'. Everything you ask advise about is nothing bur more and more silly drama.

Yes, it is silly drama! I agree completely! And I’m so sick of it! Who cares if I don’t like her favourite band as much as her? It doesn’t matter. It’s just crazy. You’re right, it’s the sort of thing you’d expect from a teenage relationship. But whenever I try to tell her we’re arguing about something that doesn’t matter, she guilts me by telling me it should matter to me because she’s so upset by it.

I’ve spent 8 years jumping through her fiery hoops, as you say, because I’m so afraid of losing her. Only in the last few weeks have I built up the courage to stop doing that. What I can’t handle is how hurt she gets by that. It’s just awful.

Let me get this right...

You should not have hobbies or interests because they take away from "her" and what she wants.

She wants you to somehow "love" all the things she "loves" so you can be closer.

Hmmmm. No manipulation here. Nope. No control issues either. None at alllllll.

Lol, yeah…

To be fair, she did actually admit that she couldn’t care less if I spent 12 hours a day pursuing my hobbies and interests if she felt like I wanted her and loved her above my hobbies etc. She just wants to feel like she’s my number one priority and that she comes before all my hobbies and interests. By saying she wants me to give them all up; she was just trying to see if I would do that for her. To see if she did come before them. She didn’t actually want me to give them up.

With regard to me loving all the things she loves, she said that she’s always loved all the things I love (even though when I talk about them she often gets bored instantly and would rather talk about something else). She says she loves them just because I love them. I don’t see it though.

I know she seems manipulative and controlling, but I may not be giving you the full picture.

Just so you know...

I have been married for 40 years this October. Now and again, I get into my husbands work van as a passenger and when he turns the key over, the radio starts blaring country western music. I want to beat him heavily about the head and shoulders with a Louiseville Slugger. I HATE country western music.

I cook every night. But I try not to cook fish very often even though I like it a lot because my husband simply does not like it. Now and again, I will ask him if he would mind if I fix a fish meal - and he almost always graciously acquiesces.

Get help now. If you don't, you will be working for the rest of your life to make a marriage work only to discover it isn't a marriage at all - it's nothing more than a self-centered girls idea of "True Love".

Hmmm, see, this is where I think I’m not giving the full picture. She would cook me or bake me any food I wanted, even if she didn’t like it herself, or avoid it if she thought I didn’t like it.

And she isn’t self centred. She does do a lot for me, and has put up with a lot from me. She puts up with me often being busy with work or study. She bakes for me so I have nice food to take to work. She does any chores she feels I too busy to do. She does a lot for me. She also does a heck of a lot for her family and is constantly doing things for them. She hardly ever has a moment to herself to do things she enjoys, and that’s the way she likes it. She would rather do things for others than for herself. She’s amazing like that.

What I’ve been starting to think though is that she doesn’t want to marry me; she wants to marry the fairytale of being married to me.

[Indueseason]

All I am asking of this thread is: Is she right to expect me to like the same things as her just because she likes them? I just need a reality check. Is that okay and normal? Or am I right to question that?

She is wrong to expect you to like the same things she does. She could be the nicest, kindest girl in the world, and that would still be WRONG. Your RIGHT to question that.

Your going round and round in circles here. You don't want to her hurt, but it sure sounds like she's getting hurt on a weekly basis! At the rate you two are going at, it will be merciful to end this relationship. Once more, I suggest a time apart, a few months to clear the air. If your meant to be together, you'll get back together, when you've both learned a little more about life.

Now you've got the answer you wanted from this thread, please don't make this thread last 5 pages.

blessings to you

[tango]

At risk of repeating everything I said in your last thread...

My wife and I have been married 15 years, been through some rough times as well as some good times. Still going strong, still in it for the long haul.

There are some things we like to do together, some things she does that I don't like and some things I do that she doesn't like. For good measure there are a few other things that we both like but to differing degrees. This is perfectly normal - for all we have come together as husband and wife and formed a sacred covenant we haven't lost our individual identities.

There are TV shows that I like that she hates, and TV shows that she likes that I hate. Does this cause a problem? No, if she's watching one of her shows I go and do something else, and likewise if I'm watching one of my shows she does something else. It's not rocket science.

Should we put each other first? Yes, of course, but that doesn't mean jumping to the other's every whim. To give you an example, we both enjoy cycling but I'm far more into it than she is. The kind of ride I'll take off and do one day just because I feel like it might be the kind of distance she'd plan in advance and get herself mentally and physically prepared for over the course of an extended period. So sometimes we cycle together and we go her kind of distance at her kind of pace. Sometimes she goes out for a ride around one of our local parks, sometimes I go off and burn off some steam. Sometimes we do independent rides but then meet up somewhere, sometimes we do a ride together for 20 miles or so and then she heads home while I take a longer route home to burn off some steam.

If I had wanted to go on a long ride but she was having a really bad day, I'd give up the ride so I could be with her. At the same time if I had a long ride planned and she decided that she'd rather we did something else that day then we'd have to discuss whether to reschedule the ride or her thoughts. If I'd been out on the bike three times that week already then unless it was an organised ride I'd paid to enter the chances are I'd do what she wanted, if it was the first time that week I'd been able to get out on the bike the chances are I'd go for the ride.

It's great that you want to protect this girl from hurt and from harm. It's not great that she seems to be using that as a stick to beat you with, claiming to be so desperately hurt by smaller and smaller things. Look at some of her arguments and flip them around - she seems to be claiming that if you "become one flesh" you have to like all the same things and have all the same hobbies. So how about she starts to adopt some of your hobbies instead of insisting you become a virtual clone of her? Seriously, following that path will lead to nothing but distress - for you as you give more and more in ways that aren't productive and her as she tries harder and harder to gain those last scraps of control that ultimately she's never going to get.

I'd advise you to take a long hard look at this relationship and ask if it's what you really want. Don't get caught up with the idea that you can't end it just because it would hurt her. Ending it would hurt her, but she'd get over it, as would you. Just look at how it's developed since your last thread on the subject, and how she seems to be just flexing her claws to dig them in a little deeper and take away a little bit more of what you are. While you're at it, take a look at what Paul said to both husbands and wives - for all there's heavy sacrifice involved it runs both ways.

[Dani H]

What I’ve been starting to think though is that she doesn’t want to marry me; she wants to marry the fairytale of being married to me.

That's not uncommon. Many of us get a picture in our head of the "ideal person" that we hold other people up to, and try to turn into. But, the reality is that our "ideal person" at the end of the day is our own projection and just as broken as we ourselves are.

What is she looking for and why? Who is she comparing you to? Whoever it is, does this person actually exist?

We're usually not able to fully accept and love another person until we lay down the idealized image floating around in our own head, that has usually been built up over time by bits and pieces of other people and what we admire about them, and not actually one real-life person. Because every real person is flawed in some way. People are a package deal.

You're probably exactly right in your assumption.

[tango]

It should be telling to me that you think I’m so young that I can’t get married right away. Perhaps a sign of the maturity of our relationship? We’re both 24 years old… And have been dating for 8 years…

Has she been putting you on these guilt trips for 8 years? If not, has something specific changed that might have caused her to act this way?

Yes, it is silly drama! I agree completely! And I’m so sick of it! Who cares if I don’t like her favourite band as much as her? It doesn’t matter. It’s just crazy. You’re right, it’s the sort of thing you’d expect from a teenage relationship. But whenever I try to tell her we’re arguing about something that doesn’t matter, she guilts me by telling me it should matter to me because she’s so upset by it.

Sounds like manipulation to me. You should care that she's distressed by something but she shouldn't use "I'm distressed" as a lever to get you to do whatever she wants. Sooner or later she needs to learn to deal with stuff, and accept that loving her doesn't mean just going along with whatever she feels like today.

There are all sorts of ways to make a point that something matters without laying on guilt trips.

I’ve spent 8 years jumping through her fiery hoops, as you say, because I’m so afraid of losing her. Only in the last few weeks have I built up the courage to stop doing that. What I can’t handle is how hurt she gets by that. It’s just awful.

Is she truly hurt, or is she just putting on the show to get what she wants?

To be fair, she did actually admit that she couldn’t care less if I spent 12 hours a day pursuing my hobbies and interests if she felt like I wanted her and loved her above my hobbies etc. She just wants to feel like she’s my number one priority and that she comes before all my hobbies and interests. By saying she wants me to give them all up; she was just trying to see if I would do that for her. To see if she did come before them. She didn’t actually want me to give them up.

That's not the impression you gave earlier, it sounded very much like she wanted you to give things up to prove to her that you would. If all she wants is some warm words then she's going to be disappointed sooner or later when reality doesn't match what she wanted, which can happen for all sorts of reasons.

With regard to me loving all the things she loves, she said that she’s always loved all the things I love (even though when I talk about them she often gets bored instantly and would rather talk about something else). She says she loves them just because I love them. I don’t see it though.

Words are cheap, and to be honest someone who says "I love it because you love it" is probably being less honest than someone who says "You know what, I hate that show, but you love it so go ahead and watch it while I do something else." My wife likes to watch Glee. My endurance record for Glee was 5 minutes, which was on the day I'd cycled to the point my legs didn't work any more (even so, after 5 minutes I decided I'd rather endure the pain of moving to leave the room than endure any more Glee). There's no point me pretending to like it, so she watches it and I do something else.

I know she seems manipulative and controlling, but I may not be giving you the full picture.

Hmmm, see, this is where I think I’m not giving the full picture. She would cook me or bake me any food I wanted, even if she didn’t like it herself, or avoid it if she thought I didn’t like it.

And she isn’t self centred. She does do a lot for me, and has put up with a lot from me. She puts up with me often being busy with work or study. She bakes for me so I have nice food to take to work. She does any chores she feels I too busy to do. She does a lot for me. She also does a heck of a lot for her family and is constantly doing things for them. She hardly ever has a moment to herself to do things she enjoys, and that’s the way she likes it. She would rather do things for others than for herself. She’s amazing like that.

Is she doing all those things because she wants to, or as bargaining chips so she can demand something in return? You know, the kind of "I baked you all those cakes, the least you can do is..." approach. Or is she putting herself in a place that she doesn't really like (not having any time to call her own) and then expecting you to do the same just because she can't say no to people?

What I’ve been starting to think though is that she doesn’t want to marry me; she wants to marry the fairytale of being married to me.

One of the things I truly despise about the modern wedding industry is the way it focusses on the wedding day as the destination, the end point of all the planning. Along the way so many couples seem to think of the day they get married as being the end, the culmination, the goal. In fact the wedding is just the beginning, more like a gate onto another road than the end of the road. And so the happy couple has their fairytale day, they go off on honeymoon like the knight and the princess, and then they get home and the bills start arriving, the wedding day has to be paid for, they have to go to work, the heating packs up on the coldest night of winter, and so on. And once the fairytale dreamworld starts to disintegrate they wonder where they went wrong, when the truth of the matter is that Being Married doesn't mean all of life's problems go away as if my magic.

If what she wants is to be the fairytale princess for the day then ultimately married life isn't going to keep her happy for long and she'll be off chasing the next dream. If she's more concerned with being the princess for the day than who the knight is, you and she are in for a lot of pain if you take that road. If she's wanting to be with you for the rest of her life and just wants your wedding day to be special, that's a much better position to be in.

[nimrod]

Some people need the space and time to work out who they are, work out who they want to be, and then try to find the balance between those to work out what they should be doing with their time - because your time is your life.

If you're one of those people, only after you feel you have a good idea of those things should you feel you can honestly give yourself to someone else.

Of course some people aren'l like that, they live their lives to interact with and share with other people. Maybe she's one of those....

People change over time. Maybe 8 years ago you were perfect for each other, and now you're not.

A few months apart sounds a great idea.