Im not sure if this is the right section to post this in so im sorry if it isnt !
When I was little I attended Sunday mass with my family, as for me and i always sang along and prayed like everyone else. At the age of 9 or 10 we suddenly stopped going, i dont know why but im guessing it was just taking up time of our family life so mommabear and papabear decided to stop going. But I still prayed to God before I went to Bed.
So ive been struggling with a Sin since I was 11 and that is lust, and im pretty sure know what lust involves with.. masturbation, impure thoughts and dirtiness. At the time I didnt know it was a sin i thought it was just something normal to do at anyone my age because of Puberty. At the age of 17 finishing my last few months of school my spiritual side came out of me one night when i watched an hour documentry on the coming of Jesus, I also learned that masturbation is a grey area because it isnt discussed in the book but there are some sinful areas. After I learned about it i prayed for Jesus for forgiveness and deliver me away from the wicked ones, it worked amazingly for 2 days till i fell back into temptation. Then ill go clean for one day then fall back in.
During class espiscally Social I would think about what ive done that hurt against God but i told myself that God will always forgive us and his love is beyond any measures. This would make me day dream for roughly for 15 mins and sometimes would put me in a trance. But i know its wrong to keep sinning and telling yourself that " oh well god will forgive me " I know thats wrong because your delibratly hurting your walk with God. I tell God everyday that I love him and I thank him for everything that he offered me in life. and i do pray to him daily. I noticed this helping ALOT because when i wake the sun is brighter and everything is much more crisp, but thats just me.
Last friday I had a event to DJ at for a after grad at the community hall built right inside a church, before everyone arrived i visited the church where mass attended. Please note after the age of 10 I have not stepped inside a church for almost 7 years, and this was re-entering one since my Family and I stopped attending church. What caught my eye the most was the entire room, it was bright from the 2 longated windows with white curtains that hung above it and that it showered the whitest light i have ever seen in my entire life. I was amazed with awe then i sat down on one of the benches and prayed for a few minutes letting God know about my lustful life and that im a sinner asking for forgiveness, I usually do feel better cause I know God understands what everyone is going through, Thats what I love about him he understands and his love for us is unconditional, what matters is that we try to do our best God didnt make us to be perfect or does not expect anyone to be.
But the thing is that is worrying me the most is when my life ends, how will God think of me after spending 1 tenth of my life in lust? I had this questioned repeated in my head over and over like a recording ived lost sleep because of it, i lost valuable class time in school cause i concentrated on this more then anything, I know what goes on in Hell and im scared and i dont want to end up there ive read and watched eyewitness accounts of people going there and telling there stories there. Words cant describe my mind right know the best describtion i can give you is when you go to that one random channel on your TV and its all fuzzy with the white grey and black bots exploding everywhere? thats what my mind is right now. This has been happening ever since of middle of May,
I really dont know what to do, I know praying helps and the power of faith as well, so all im asking for you guys is to pray for me OR if you have any prayers you would like to share i would greatly appriciate them
Thank you for understanding my concern I know im not the only one that is going through this, Hope everyone has a great day
- God Bless, Jeremy