Wary of Christian Men

[mrsarnold]

Today I have shared a bit of my history in the other thread. In short I married Christian men and they abused me and left me.

Certainly the men I married, and many of the other men in the churches we attended figured the bible had given them a free ticket to make the women submit. They thought the Word of God only said they had to love us enough to die for us (and thanked God they'd probably never have to prove it), but we had to submit and honour and obey them in everything everyday. If you're a man you answer to God. If you are a woman you answer to your husband as if he is God and to God too. Some men just go wild with this and if you even have a differing opinion they get defensive and call you rebellious and wicked... I never bucked the system and I was a faithful little wife to each and every one of them but they did their damage and went their way.

I only just joined the forum today but these are the reasons I posted my query here in the women's section and not in a more active 'co-ed' area of the board. Due to past experience I am a bit wary of men who profess to be Christians. I know there is a chance that this forum is not as active as some of the others and may not give as much response to anything I post but this is likely where I will stay put.

Sadly the Christian men I've known closely have been the sort to 'lord over' the women and demand what they believe to be their right to extra respect as 'the man'. I don't believe that men are any more important than women as all the women I've known loved the Lord and sacrificed everything for their husbands and their children with very little in the way of reward or appreciation. The men were always waited on and allowed to get away with murder.

I realise this is just my experience, but sadly it has changed the way I view men in general, but especially American Christian men. I would have thought that Christian men would be trying to be more like Christ, who I don't believe was domineering nor expected to be catered to left and right even though as God, He should have been.

It is yet another thing I need healing for in my life.

[jayne]

Well, sister, when you have been kicked in the teeth like you have - both spiritually, mentally, and otherwise - it's easy to see why you would be wary of men who claim to be Christians, but behave otherwise.

Are there men and churches out there who basically teach that all husband-headship means is [a] contributing his DNA, [b] putting the paycheck on the table, and [c] be willing to take knife or bullet from a burglar if necessary?

Yes, there is LOTS of that. And it's wrong. Those 3 things are not even remotely what being a Biblical husband is about. And unfortunately for you, you've been the victim of that type of teaching more than once.

For that, I am sorry.

However, on the other hand - sometimes we experience terrible relationships because we attract those types of people in our lives. Or because that's all we know - it's the only standard of "husband" that were were taught. So I have three things to say.

[1] There are some wonderful Christian men on this board with whom you could converse with as brothers in the faith and be completely safe from spiritual abuse. I encourage you to get to know some of these great guys and - while many of them are married - you could get to see, firsthand, what a true Christian man is - and do so in Christian friendship and fellowship.

[2] Work on seeking out what it is about yourself that might be attracting that type of man that you don't want. You've said that you tend to be withdrawn and suffer from poor self-worth. Could an abusive man take that personality trait to mean that you are easily manipulated? It's hard to let go of pain and sometimes it only compounds the pain even more to do a self-reflection and investigate if something in us is - while not causing the abuse - but attracts the abusing-type of man. And I've seen women who - in trying to NOT attract that type of man anymore - become harsh themselves. That's not the answer either.

[3] Seek out your worth in the Lord and grow in Him daily. Read, pray, and obey. That's all it takes. As you grow in the Lord and develop a healthy view of yourself as worthy because of Jesus Christ, the fears of mortal men will fade.

I'm glad that you've come here!!

[mrsarnold]

Thanks, Kim. Its so kind of you to give some feedback.

At present it is about 10:30pm and I am lying next to the man I consider one of God's greatest gifts to me. Because of the way I was treated by the previous husbands I almost certainly appreciate my husband, Richard (a lovely Englishman) much much more. His kindness to me and love for me over the past 11 years of our marriage has been overwhelming. We have been together (in love) for 12 years this October and married for 11 come next month and my marriage is the best a woman could hope for. You are right about my lack of self esteem being the cause of my accepting these fellows who were not good men. I thought I was lucky anyone at all would ask so I didn't say no to marriage proposals I should have refused. Before I met Richard I had decided marriage just wasn't going to be for me, but after a year and a half of being single I felt I might be willing to consider a relationship IF the right man came along. I very literally made a list of what I wanted in a mate and Rich ticked all the boxes. God mercifully gave me a nearly perfect man and I am so grateful for that.

Some of the things that disturb me are brash insensitivity, self righteousness, harshness or sarcasm... any of the things which I was victim to for years. I fight those with politeness, gentleness and fact. There is never a good reason to belittle or talk down to others. It causes harm and we are meant to edify and uplift each other aren't we?

Thank you for the nice welcome and the encouraging advice. I am really just coming back to daily fellowship and scripture reading and I'm sure that will help boost my feelings about myself.