Hey everyone this might be alittle bit long but the best way for me to talk about this situation is to kinda lay everything out on the table so to speak lol. Thanks for reading it all in advance. So ill start for the very beginning from when me and this girl first met.
In February for the first time in my life I joined a church and if anyone has read my testimony will know that when I joined I was very broken man but obviously I was making good steps forward. My best freind picked me up that first morning and before we walk in he says something that shocked me and I wont repeat word for word but he basically said to keep it in my pants and im like huh ? My buddy says "well Jimmie, theres alot of attractive and single girls here who are looking for a good man and your a good man but we are not here for that. WE ARE HEAR FOR THE LORD" I agreed and we walked in.
Im introduced to all sorts of people and everyone is just so freindly and amazing but as far as young women go one stood out to me we where introduced and my first thought in my head is like woooowww what a smile. For the story ill give her a different name and ill call her Sarah. A few days later my bud and I are having dinner and he mentions one of the girls at Church was asking about me and im like yeah thats cool man but not really caring so I ask who and it was her. I read the text and it was her asking about my situation and all im like all right lol I like this. I took my dog and I for a walk that night and I actually prayed about this girl just kinda talking to god about whether I should pursue anyone at this point in my life. God I feel like told me that this is the girl then im meant to pursue.
Over the next couple of weeks it kinda came together in a very natural sort of way and we talked alittle bit and one day the 4 of us this girl, myself, my pal and his girl all went out together after church. It was a beautiful day and we got to know each other quite a bit and if nothing else had developed a freindship. There was one part of the hike when we actually wound holding hands briefly and agian it just kinda happened naturally. At the end of the night and the next time I seen her she seemed to act alittle different. I asked my freinds about her and they told me that she has been through a bad relationship, has some father issues, gets real anxious and scared sometimes and very emotional and that right now she was really trying to get her life together and focus on god and it would be some time before she would allow herself to get into a relationship.
Well im very VERY new to this Christian thing at this time and I dont wanna listen to God or Godly people, I wanna do things how I know to do them. Well that dont work out to well in case you dont already know lol. I knew she liked me and I wanted to start something soon even though I wasnt in a good place for a relationship either but obviously im doing what I want being selfish. So one day everything seemed awkward but I did it anyway and tried to ask her out. She kinda freaks out and gets nervous like ah ah ah ah just just freinds right ? I played it off like I was interested and kinda made her feel bad about. We texted the rest of the night and I could tell that she just wasnt ready for a relationship which I can respect. Not by choice but we didnt really speak for over a month agian not choice it just happened like that.
It was a different kind of rejection but still a rejection and when you get rejected as a man you just move on. I said I guarantee she will come around but I moved on. I remember the day I got Baptized I knew I was giving a testimony and for some reason I kept thinking about her and hoping she would see it. Well when I seen her walk across the stage to sing im like awesome she will see it. Why am I still thinking about her ? A few days later I fasted and prayed and I prayed about her just asking god why is still girl still on my mind romantically ? Well 3 days later I receive a text for Sarah about the 4 of us hanging out agian. Over a week or 2 we talk text and talk on the phone alot and get to know alot about each other and develop some sort of chemistry but we still have to see if this works face to face.
We have a couple of double date like things and they go very well as during both I made sure me and her had 1-1 alone time and we went deep and we connected in a way that I wasnt used to and it was awesome. After the end of the 2nd one I was kinda nervous because ive been hurt so much but my buddy motivated me and I just asked her out and she said yes and we kinda agreed that we would keep the focus on God and do this very slow. We had our first date 2 days later and it was incredible. At the end we hugged and agian im trying to take this slow but this beautiful is just standing there and im like you know I really wanna kiss you but it isnt time yet. She says im just standing here and she smiles well im like screw it and we kiss.
Over the course of alittle over a month we continue with what we started but here and there should would pull away and get scared and was unsure if she was ready for it all. I myself was struggling agian to be 100 percent me because I honestly was afraid to open up to her because of fear of being hurt agian. Well I talked about this with her and I prayed on it and just like that all my fear was gone. Then about a week later after one of the wildest and most confusing talks id ever had with someone she finally let get with no fear, no worries, no pressure on herself.
Things quickly went from good to flat out incredible. We began to hang out almost everyday now and do everything together (nothing to phyiscal of course) but of you guys im sure know what im mean. Just a guy and girl enjoying life together and growing incredibly close. When we werent together we would just be on the phone for hours talking basically about nothing but enjoying it. I remember one night she about made me cry saying "you know im just laying here on my trampaline, looking up at the stars, talking to this awesome guy. Yeah life is good, God is good". Im seeing something in eyes, her body language, her actions, words im thinking oh my like this girl is crazy about me. While thats great and all it doesnt end there because im crazy about her and im getting this feeling in my stomach that id never felt before. I called my best freind up and im like bro whats going on ? He basically says its called love my man and whats happened is for the first time in both of you and Sarah's life you have been swept of your feet.
One night about 2 and half weeks ago she calls me and ends it. It was emotional and in some ways bizzare the conversation. I didnt understand and it didnt even seem like she understood. She kept saying how she wasnt ready for this. I was hurt really hurt and almost angry. I never blaimed God but I blaimed her for getting in the way, I blaimed myself for allowing myself to go through this agian. Next day at Church was rather awkward. She admitted to me that the feelings havent changed but I guess how close we where getting she didnt think she was ready for it. I went home and broke down but then finally took my problems to the one who saved me.
God showed me alot in that strong prayer. I heard "it wasnt time yet" and he showed me alot of areas in my own life that I needed to work on. Since then ive got up and while going through a difficult spiritual battle every day ive ade some moves in my life and good things are coming together. Ive been working on just living by faith and only wanting to give out love. I made peace with my father who passed away years ago and forgave him for what I went through as a child. Visted his parents and repaired that relationship, I have my atheist cousin ready to try church, im slowly bringing my mother to Jesus, ive got my niece who is 10 coming to church. My family for years on both sides have been depressed and very negative and it keeps getting past down from generation to generation. Ive struggled with it all my life and ive took a stand and I believe im being called to put an end to this.
I also had a conversation with the girl on the 4th of July and I made peace with her on how things ended which made me feel alot better. Only thing is the feelings havent changed and I love this girl and its hard for me to believe that is just how it ends. I know she is thinking about it and I know she struggles with it. I always kinda joked to myself I could see her running away one day at our wedding (bad joke I know) and she did run away I believe. I feel like im becoming so much stronger in Christ everyday but there is still that part of me that is hurting because I know in my heart and soul that a beautiful thing happened and then it ended.
Im taking all the right steps I believe. Ive been heavy in the scripture, reading a helful Joel Osteen book right now, seeking biblical conseling from members of the church and now here, ive set up a meeting with my pastor and I just keep moving forward with or without her but I miss her. I pray for her everyday and I love her and its something I was afraid to tell her and never got to. Im trying to take my time and be patient and I have all the faith that it will all work out. If you read through all of that I thank you so much and I just would like to hear some thoughts and maybe some advice about how to go about this moving forward.