Sorry, I only read the first part of your letter and none of the replies you had so far. But consider this...
Christianity is NOT a choice, its compulsary!
You can not hope to go to heaven, you have to believe you are going to heaven. How do you do that?
Well, it might be simpler than you thought.
But let me point you in the right direction, I'm not going to boar you with complicated scriptures, but do read this...
Faith is the answer...Romans 4:16
Where do you get the 'faith'?
By hearing the message...
Where do we hear the message?
One thing is worth mentioning here...if your church don't change you, change your church!
Be blessed...and have faith!