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rabidchipmunk
Oct 26th 2007, 10:42 PM
I need help making it though the next 23 days. Nov. 19th is my vote night for the F.D. Most people get voted on. Doing this has become a major part of my life. I have abandonment and rejection issues and the people on the dept. have become like a family to me. Most of them have said I have nothing to worry about. I can't seem to get calmed down. I'm starting to have nightmares about not getting voted on, I feel like the anxiety/panic is starting to flare, and Im scared that I"m starting to make myself sick, I've been getting neasous, and on the verge of tears. This may not seem inportant to some and they may say it's as simple as just trust God. But I am having major problems. I have accepted this as my purpose, as my identity, as finally having a reason to hold my head up. Please help me and please pray I get on.

beachbum53
Oct 26th 2007, 11:13 PM
Julie,

I can identify with you especially when I was younger.
From the little I have been on here lately, I can see this is something you love and see how important it is to you.

I 'hate' for you to be feeling sick; please try not to worry too much sweetie. I'm not saying this lightly cause I know it's hard. Do happy stuff this weekend if you can and I know you're praying bout it.

I will keep you in prayer, promise!! :hug:

Pleroo
Oct 26th 2007, 11:28 PM
I need help making it though the next 23 days. Nov. 19th is my vote night for the F.D. Most people get voted on. Doing this has become a major part of my life. I have abandonment and rejection issues and the people on the dept. have become like a family to me. Most of them have said I have nothing to worry about. I can't seem to get calmed down. I'm starting to have nightmares about not getting voted on, I feel like the anxiety/panic is starting to flare, and Im scared that I"m starting to make myself sick, I've been getting neasous, and on the verge of tears. This may not seem inportant to some and they may say it's as simple as just trust God. But I am having major problems. I have accepted this as my purpose, as my identity, as finally having a reason to hold my head up. Please help me and please pray I get on.


Hang in there, hon. I'll be keeping you in prayer.

rabidchipmunk
Oct 27th 2007, 02:38 AM
My heart's pounding and my temples hurt so bad from crying in the shower. I need to talk to someone, but I can't have it get back to chief. I don't know if a debriefer would talk to me about something like this. My regular counselor doesn't understand in my opinion. There is a lady assistant chief in another jurisdriction where we recently went for a module. She was really nice, came over to me and started telling me about how she was treated when she first got into it and how now she's assistant chief or regular chief. But would I just call her up and say hey remember me from the class? i really need to talk to someone who understands.? Cuz right now it doesn't seem like I'll make the 23/22 days, I don't even want to eat and I get to feeling like throwing up and I know I'm not drinking enough. It's like doing this is my reason for living, I want to make the vote so badly.

ddmor
Oct 27th 2007, 03:17 PM
Julie - the people you are worried about will be the first ones who would come to your rescue in a fire, right? You trust them with that, don't you? Trust them with the training too.

The one thing I noticed when my son joined the fire department was that the people he was making friends with at the department were the ones pulling for him - they knew it was important to him (my son) by the way he studied and trained ... if there was something they thought he was weak in, they'd help him get better at it. If your friends at the department think you're going to do fine ... then you will - if they didn't they'd be telling you what you needed to work on to succeed. They want the new recruits to succeed - especially if they're seeing that they give their all to learn the ropes!!

Fire fighters are a family, this is not something that only you are feeling; who do you rely on when there is a fire? You have to rely on each other to keep each other alive to get the job done safely.

If you're really worried, maybe you could ask an older firefighter if there is anything you should be working on - any areas you're weak on - I bet the chief wouldn't be upset if he heard you asking that!! I'm telling you - these people want you to succeed!! It really made an impression on me how the FFs here pulled together to get my son through.

I will be praying for you this next month!! Keep us updated!!

Frances
Oct 27th 2007, 06:29 PM
I don't even want to eat and I get to feeling like throwing up and I know I'm not drinking enough.

Not eating a good diet and /or not eating regular meals is the most likely cause of anyone getting depressed - so make yourself eat regularly and well, and if you are not drinking sufficiant liquid you'll experience a 'heavy head' which will only make you feel worse.

:pray: that you will relax - deliberately and discover the advantages of breathing into your abdomen only - not into your chest - at a count of three, (in, out, pause.) and that the Lord will not allow this 'door' to close unless He is opening an even better one for you . . .

threebigrocks
Oct 28th 2007, 03:01 AM
Julie, the best I can say is to focus on what you can do to strengthen yourself across the board. As ddmor said, ask what you can do better so you can focus on passing instead of focusing on the possibility you won't. Do your best to make sure you do and are voted in. Don't let the anxiety win - remove it by making yourself worthy of the vote. Ask your FD family for help, get the help where you need it, ask God for the strength to make you strong to do so.

rabidchipmunk
Oct 28th 2007, 05:19 AM
I"ve asked them a few times if there's anything I should be doing different. Most of the responses are you're doing all you can. I've been advised to not show this weekness to anyone in the f.d. cuz it will come across bad.

threebigrocks
Oct 28th 2007, 03:07 PM
Then take that as truth that you have done all you can, and ask God to bless you with the desires of your heart in this. He knows what it has brought you to be a part of this, you have worked hard to get this far, and if it's His will you bet you will get the vote!

watchinginawe
Oct 28th 2007, 05:42 PM
I"ve asked them a few times if there's anything I should be doing different. Most of the responses are you're doing all you can. I've been advised to not show this weekness to anyone in the f.d. cuz it will come across bad.I'll be praying for you too.

I think what your fellow fire fighters are looking for is someone that they can depend on with their lives in the balance. It is serious business and not a club or an encouragement program. Just the same, a volunteer also places their life in the hands of others, so you are demonstrating your trust of them as well. The best thing you can do is to keep up your side of the bargain. Be dependable, be serious, be sober, and have a heart for others. You desire a good thing. :hug:

God Bless!

threebigrocks
Oct 28th 2007, 07:33 PM
You desire a good thing. :hug:

God Bless!

Indeed !

Frances
Oct 29th 2007, 06:40 PM
Be dependable, be serious, be sober, and have a heart for others.

I agree. I expect they will be looking for good team members, those who work well with others, more than those who shine as individuals. . . those willing to be subordinate as well as use their own initiative if necessary.

:pray:

Seeker of truth
Oct 30th 2007, 01:58 PM
I sympathize with you. I hate waiting!

I agree with what has been said here. Also, pray about this. He is an excellent stress releiver :) Ask him to help the days to pass quickly for you and for you not to obsess or worry. It always works for me :hug:

rabidchipmunk
Oct 30th 2007, 10:34 PM
I feel a bit more calm, but am gonna need patience. I think maybe part of it was tied in with hormones and stuff.

Seeker of truth
Oct 30th 2007, 10:51 PM
I feel a bit more calm, but am gonna need patience. I think maybe part of it was tied in with hormones and stuff.

I'm glad you've calmed down :hug:

You need to trust in yourself more. You're stronger than you think you are :) You're a good person Julie :hug:

rabidchipmunk
Oct 31st 2007, 06:24 AM
So I was just thinking...yeah I know, probably not a good idea. I was thinking that I want the time to go by fast so my vote will come, but then I thought, do I really want the next 19 days to go fast? cuz what if they are my last days on the dept.? It didn't freak me out too bad, but the thought was there. I kinda want to maybe possibly avoid my counselor till after my vote too. Just don'g feel like talking about it with her I guess.

Steve M
Nov 1st 2007, 03:18 AM
We fear the loss of things we really care about; if I had to stop being a firefighter, I would hate that. It really is that important; and kind of hard to explain to people outside the department. It's also important that it is that tight; these are people you have to able to trust with your lives.

...of course, my department is so desperate for manpower that for us to reject somebody would be the ultimate statement of hatred.... so that was never a big concern for me.

Still, if they've seen your passion for the department, and if they've seen you trying, they know. They know.

Christ-4-D
Nov 3rd 2007, 10:52 AM
Hi Julie,

After reading your post the best advice i can give to you is to pick out the positives of what your leader has given you and strive on them.

Im not really sure how this vote wors - if its an exam or what - If they say you have nothing to worry about then try your hardest and they will see the good in you that we all see on here.

:hug:

Praying for you :pray:

rabidchipmunk
Nov 9th 2007, 07:11 AM
I think I may have worried a wee bit too much. I have shingles now. My training officer was like, there's no need to worry that much.

Jesusinmyheart
Nov 9th 2007, 03:23 PM
RC, scripture tells us not to worry, and this alone should help you focus on what's needed and let God take care of the rest. You have made huge strides and finally realized your dreams. God will not let you down, but you need to stay focused on Him and in this way have peace that He will take care of you.

Controlling your emotions is needed, because in a job like this you need to be able to keep your cool. So quit worrying, take this as a lesson learned and realize you're at the beginning of things still, so this will not hurt you. But you need to try and learn how to stay calm now.

Many blessings to you and much peace!
Tan ja

Pleroo
Nov 9th 2007, 04:27 PM
I think I may have worried a wee bit too much. I have shingles now. My training officer was like, there's no need to worry that much.

Shingles?! That's very painful isn't it? How are you doing, Julie?

Jesusinmyheart
Nov 9th 2007, 04:52 PM
Ouch, Shingles..... man that stinks. I hope and pray you get well soon.

Shalom my friend,
Tanja

Frances
Nov 9th 2007, 06:48 PM
:pray:............................................ ........

rabidchipmunk
Nov 9th 2007, 09:54 PM
They hurt and itch. I was misdiagnosed too. Grrr. Needless to say I've switched dr's. I showed my training officer and he asked if i'd been stressed about anything and I said I had been worried about my vote. He said, 'There's no reason to get that upset.' I think I have some more confidence for my vote. It's coming up. This Monday/Tuesday I have to go to Wildland fire suppression and then next Monday is the vote.

FallingWaters
Nov 13th 2007, 03:37 PM
They hurt and itch. I was misdiagnosed too. Grrr. Needless to say I've switched dr's. I showed my training officer and he asked if i'd been stressed about anything and I said I had been worried about my vote. He said, 'There's no reason to get that upset.' I think I have some more confidence for my vote. It's coming up. This Monday/Tuesday I have to go to Wildland fire suppression and then next Monday is the vote.May God's perfect will be accomplished in your life.

Pleroo
Nov 13th 2007, 06:05 PM
They hurt and itch. I was misdiagnosed too. Grrr. Needless to say I've switched dr's. I showed my training officer and he asked if i'd been stressed about anything and I said I had been worried about my vote. He said, 'There's no reason to get that upset.' I think I have some more confidence for my vote. It's coming up. This Monday/Tuesday I have to go to Wildland fire suppression and then next Monday is the vote.

So how did the Wildland thing go? And how are you feeling?

rabidchipmunk
Nov 14th 2007, 09:35 AM
Wildland was interesting. I only missed one question on the test and that was probably cuz I didn't slow down and read it through.
I'm still kinda itchy. I saw my new nurse practioner guy and he said it's not shingles so I'm confused :dunno: he's inclined with the other dx of a contact dermatitis. I questioned him about the pain so he had me stand up and was pushing on my back and when he hit one spot on the lower right side I hollered and went half way down. so he says I have low back pain. derrrrrrr.
They gave me another shot of steriods and said to keep on the meds for shingles and if it's not better in like 2 or 3 weeks come back.
Thing is every lay person I've talked to says it doesn't look like poison and if it is poison why have i had it this long; even if I am highly allergic to it?
Anyways thanks for asking.

Frances
Nov 14th 2007, 07:17 PM
it doesn't look like poison and if it is poison why have i had it this long; even if I am highly allergic to it?.

When I'd been given Penicillin (which I'm allergic to) the very painful rash lasted for a very long time, even though I was having treatment to counteract it.

Pleroo
Nov 14th 2007, 07:20 PM
Congratulations on doing so well on the test! That's great.

I'll continue to keep you in prayer for your health. :hug:

I'm looking forward to celebrating for you when the vote comes through for you next week. :)

Pleroo
Nov 19th 2007, 04:55 PM
Today's the day. Thinking of you and praying, Julie.

FallingWaters
Nov 19th 2007, 05:39 PM
Today's the day. Thinking of you and praying, Julie.Thanks for reminding us.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, Lord God Almighty! :pray:

threebigrocks
Nov 19th 2007, 05:49 PM
Indeed, I got ahead of myself thinking this was last week, but I am praying for you today Julie!

rabidchipmunk
Nov 19th 2007, 09:01 PM
Thanks for remembering guys! :hug: ! I've come down with a respitory infection/bronchitis but I saw my dr today and told him I had to be there for training tonight cuz we've borrowed the fog machine. Fun tranining :D So he gave me a shot of steriods so i could breathe better and be stronger for tonight. 4 more hours till the meeting starts. So I could probably use some extra prayers.

rabidchipmunk
Nov 20th 2007, 04:52 AM
Thanks for the prayers I made it through the meeting, we ended up not having training and there weren't enough people to vote. We have to have a majority of the members present. So we try again in two weeks. I was trying everything to make the vote happen.

Jesusinmyheart
Nov 20th 2007, 01:10 PM
Wow, all that sweat and worry for nothing......

See God knows when you need a break, and He made it happen, so now you can concentrate on getting better, and roll with the punches the next time around. :hug:

Shalom,
Tanja

rabidchipmunk
Nov 20th 2007, 03:56 PM
But I'm supposed to get my FF tattoo Friday. And the guys said that next meeting might not be much better as we are getting into the holiday season (next meeting 14 days away). DEc. 4 One of them told me that they've seen votes like this end up carrying through into the next year :B I'd like to get and wear the ff jacket while it's still cold out.

Pleroo
Nov 20th 2007, 07:35 PM
That would be frustrating!

But I'm sure something good will come of this Julie. :hug: God is like that. :)

Jesusinmyheart
Nov 21st 2007, 03:10 AM
Aww Rabid, God is teaching you several things right now:

1) Your input will not change His plan
2) You're learning some patience
3) That all will work out for your best.

These are life lessons learned, and they will serve to mature you in your walk, so look on the bright side.

Shalom,
Tanja

rabidchipmunk
Nov 21st 2007, 07:25 AM
I've got a little nagging thought in the back of my head now. I had originally planned my ink for a celebration for getting votted on. I'm supposed to get it this Friday. Our next fire meeting is dec. 4. So the little thought running through my head is you're gonna get the ink and you're not gonna get the vote on. but in it's defense i am a certified fire fighter and there are other departments. argh stress.

threebigrocks
Nov 21st 2007, 07:04 PM
RC, you need to relax! That vote will come. Wait, cancell the tat appointment, and reschedule AFTER you know the outcome. That way it's a non-issue.

Tanja had some very wise words for you. When you take time to pray today remember those things. ;)

rabidchipmunk
Dec 2nd 2007, 09:37 PM
Well, tomorrow' the day.

Matthew 12:21
Dec 3rd 2007, 11:41 PM
:hug::hug::hug:

You'll be in our thoughts and prayers rabid.

Pleroo
Dec 4th 2007, 01:07 AM
How'd it go, Julie?

rabidchipmunk
Dec 4th 2007, 07:25 AM
I didn't get it :sad: Chief said he tried to get them to agree to another 90 days probation but they decided to leave it as they originally voted. I asked him if I could ask why and he said the only thing he could figure was I tried too hard to fit in, like some people take jokes the wrong way. I texted my Dad and told him I hated my mom and that I blamed this on her cuz I have abandonment issues from her leaving and therefore try too hard to fit in. My head hurts. I have to turn my gear in tomorrow and chief wants to talk to me. I'm so angry. chief said i really love doing this so he doesn't want to see me give up; he wants me to try some of the other departments. I feel frustrated. I want a dept. with some action.

Steve M
Dec 4th 2007, 01:20 PM
I didn't get it :sad: Chief said he tried to get them to agree to another 90 days probation but they decided to leave it as they originally voted. I asked him if I could ask why and he said the only thing he could figure was I tried too hard to fit in, like some people take jokes the wrong way. I texted my Dad and told him I hated my mom and that I blamed this on her cuz I have abandonment issues from her leaving and therefore try too hard to fit in. My head hurts. I have to turn my gear in tomorrow and chief wants to talk to me. I'm so angry. chief said i really love doing this so he doesn't want to see me give up; he wants me to try some of the other departments. I feel frustrated. I want a dept. with some action.
Rejection is always hard. (take it from somebody who sends manuscripts to publishers and waits for the form letter back...)

Their process and reasons in the vote are ... well, they strike me as odd. I'd think you'd vote for somebody who'd actually show up to trainings and the fire... that's what strikes me as important, anyway.

Well, I suppose if you have enough manpower and aren't in a shortage you can afford to be super-over-picky. (now I'm jealous...)

I'd listen to the cheif; he sounds like he understands how much this means to you.

Seeker of truth
Dec 4th 2007, 02:21 PM
I'm sorry Julie :hug:

Honey, my mom abandon my little brother and I when we were kids. Trust me when I say untill you can forgive your mom you will never have true happiness or peace of mind :hug: I know it hurts...oh how I know :cry: Once you find forgivness the pain goes away.

Ask the Lord for help for He will help you by softening your heart and opening it up to those who have hurt you.

Again, I'm sorry your hurting :hug:

Christ-4-D
Dec 4th 2007, 02:34 PM
Firstly, I am sorry you have had to suffer this from your Mum

Secondly, Steve M is correct- rejection is ALWAYS hard but it will make you a stronger person and probably better at what you are aiming to do as you are going to push yourself harder.

Emma x

FallingWaters
Dec 4th 2007, 05:02 PM
I didn't get it :sad: Chief said he tried to get them to agree to another 90 days probation but they decided to leave it as they originally voted. I asked him if I could ask why and he said the only thing he could figure was I tried too hard to fit in, like some people take jokes the wrong way. I texted my Dad and told him I hated my mom and that I blamed this on her cuz I have abandonment issues from her leaving and therefore try too hard to fit in. My head hurts. I have to turn my gear in tomorrow and chief wants to talk to me. I'm so angry. chief said i really love doing this so he doesn't want to see me give up; he wants me to try some of the other departments. I feel frustrated. I want a dept. with some action.I'm really sorry for your loss. I don't blame you for being upset. You might even need to grieve for a bit before you feel better.

I was severely victimized by my parents, so I know what you're saying about it being your mom's fault. I still suffer from what my parents did to me, and I'm 48 years old!! However, a lot of the wounds of my past have been healed, too. So I'm not as bad as I used to be - I'm much better - but I still have a ways to go.

Good can still come out of all this.

rabidchipmunk
Dec 4th 2007, 06:19 PM
I understand now why they send you out of the room for the vote. Had i been in the room... I tried not to cry in front of chief but i didn't quite make it. Steve, it makes me mad, cuz theres guys there that don't show up all summer cuz they run a fishing guide service or whatever or travel cuz of work or are just too busy. I made every freaking meeting, even when I was sick. I missed out on fun things to be at class, when other people took their kids to show their hogs at the state fair. I cleaned truck windows, I swept leaves out of the bay, I washed the stinkin engine for a parade it never went in, I helped chief put step bars on the brush truck. I was a hanger. I sat up there waiting for calls since i live ten miles away. I was trying to get an apartment and move out on my own to be closer to the station. I kinda feel almost like I never would have gotten a chance there. The guys just kinda take over and theres so few structure fires a year... Anyways, one example of a joke being taken the wrong way was we had a qoirum court guy come sit in on a meeting once and i jokingly asked him about gas money for going to gassville. accordding to chief that was brought up last night and everybody was all mad cuz they was doing ME a favor by letting ME on THEIR dept when i don't live in that town. If they're doing me the favor then why was there an artical in the paper like last week about there not being enough volunteer ff's around? I picture certain people from the dept and feel intense anger. Makes me sick. And my head still hurts. The people at work said to just let it lay till the holidays are over but i told them I couldn't. I have to be on a dept.

Frances
Dec 4th 2007, 06:24 PM
:pray: that you are not so frustrated and angry that you are unable to accept the Peace the Lord offers you. . .

I suggest you listen to what the Chief has to say, and accept his advise. . . even if that is to take a position that is not to your liking - then do your best to excell in whatever that job entails, and one day, the Lord may open the door to the job you covet.

(ps. Blaming our parents for our shortcomings can be counterproductive)

Jesusinmyheart
Dec 4th 2007, 07:44 PM
Dear RC,

First off, i'm truly sorry you didn't make the team. Secondly, you can't blame your mother for something she had no influence over.
You trying hard IMO wasn't her fault, but your desire to achieve something.

And let me tell you what i think. I think that the reason you didn't get a vote, is because you're a woman. The Chief knows you tried and I agree and feel that He understands and thinks it's unfair. Just because you didn't make this vote, doesn't mean you won't get in at another fire dept someday.

I really agree they let you off with a flimsy excuse, at least lay the blame where it belongs, and not with your mother.

Now, that said, let go of the anger and hatred, because this is a test. Life in general is a test. Anger and hatred lead to ungodly things, so pray to Him, tell Him how you feel, and lay it all out, but don't put blame where it does not belong.
He will hear you, and He will make a way. In the meantime, take the time you still have and get on with His word, keep seeking Him, and He will give you your hearts desire.

The reason the chief probably offered you a different position, is to keep your foot in once some of the other blokes screw up. If there's a need, you can be back up. While that doesn't sit well with the ego of most humans, it appears to me biblically speaking, that those who God kept on the back burner for a while came out as shining stars later on.

Hang in there, and don't let this stop you, but trust that God has a reason for everything that happens.

It is my prayer, that you will realize the truth of these things.

:hug: and Peace,
Tanja

ddmor
Dec 4th 2007, 07:49 PM
I'm sorry RC! :hug:

My husband's advice to the young people here is if there is a place you think you would like to work, then get your foot in the door, even if it's by taking the lowest job in the place - then people will see your determination, loyalty, and ambition; you will soon find yourself climbing up to the position you want. This sounds like what your chief was advising you to do. It's a wise plan of action.

Don't give up dear. :hug: I'll keep praying for you!

rabidchipmunk
Dec 4th 2007, 09:17 PM
The fact that i am a woman has crossed my mind. I think there's a miscommunication here somewhere though, cuz chief hasn't offered me to stay on in some form. I turned in all my gear today. On the upside I did get a nice Christmas bonus. He copied me a sheet with a list of the names and phone numbers of all the departments in the county. I've left messages at a few of them. I meet with the chief of one of them tomorrow morning to fill out an application. Their meetings are the first and third Thursday of each month. So I gotta see if my boss will let me off for the meeting this week and then let me come back to work after. If i get on a dept. I can maybe take the first responder class at my old dept, i'll have to talk to the new chief about it.

Jesusinmyheart
Dec 4th 2007, 09:25 PM
RC,

this sounds so much better! Don't lose hope ever. When you know you've done your part, with that comes real peace, because God is Just! He will not let you down in the world nor in what you do for Him when you do all you can do.

Keep this in mind always, and while life isn't always fair, God will work out everything to your best. This is the peace and understanding that escapes many in the world, for they don't understand these things.

SO cheer up, and be adventurous, wondering what tomorrow may bring.

Much Peace to you,
Tanja

rabidchipmunk
Dec 5th 2007, 06:21 PM
I went and visited the other station today. I had a really good time. Good equipment. I go to the meeting tomorrow night at 6 cst. I was having fun playing in the trucks and asking a lot of questions of the chief. seems like they will let me be involved here. I meet the chief again Friday morning and he'll let me drive a truck over to station 2 to get fitted for bunker gear. Only downside is is it's another 3 month probation. To which i replied, couldn't you just use the one I just finished? Since I've ended up working on both my days off so far I'm gonna see if I can get off for the Christmas parade friday so i can ride and possibly drive in it. At this department it is just the officer's that vote on you.

threebigrocks
Dec 5th 2007, 06:37 PM
Let me suggest this. Don't just do the First Responder course if you have the option available to you to become a full fledged EMT. When I took the course it was pretty full because our city began to require that all police officers and firefighters are EMT certified. It's worth the extra training, and it may open up a new door for you sometime.

Not to mention the knowledge can help you save someones life at work, at the store or on the streets just as you are too. ;)

Frances
Dec 5th 2007, 07:28 PM
The 'problems' may all be that the Lord wants you in a different station . . . where you will be happier in the long-run . . .
:pray: that your disapointments will prove to benefit you in some way.

Jesusinmyheart
Dec 6th 2007, 03:55 AM
TBR made a great suggestion. Since you're already headed that direction, might as well go the whole 9 yards. It can only further you down the road.

And i'm glad to hear a new door is appearing to open for you. Let me just add, that biblically speaking the right way wasn't always the easiest.

Shalom,
Tanja