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CRNA
May 13th 2008, 08:04 AM
I am posting here because I have been visiting this site for almost a year, and I have enjoyed the daily devotional and reading the members responses here to those who are in need. This is truly a blessing, and I consider my self-fortunate to be apart of this community.

I have a problem. I have been married for 5 years, and I have two little girls. I am separated as of this last week. My wife and I had an argument and I left. But, as you will soon see, it is much more complicated then that. Jodi (for private use) and I married in our early twenties after courting for 3 years. We broke up several times during our courtship because I desired to remain a virgin until marriage and we ended up in situations where it enabled her to push the envelope, so to speak. So I would leave her, and tell her I needed to recope and pray before we made an immoral decision. Luckily, we made it, and we fought the good fight and married.

The story begins. On our honeymoon, I was so excited, we could finally engage in becoming one, physically. I have been athletic my whole junior and high school life, body builder through college, and rugby player. My sex drive was and is very high, which along comes a great deal of self control, which I exhibited throughout my younger life as I adhered to the values God was instilling in me. Jodi was a cheerleader in College and showed a strong desire for me physically, which I enjoyed the attention. But, her relationship with the Lord is what drew me to here, she wasnít very strong spiritually but she showed so much desire to be. We had quiet times, and prayer for each other during our courtship (which I quickly found out was not an excellent ideal because I get very turned on praying with her, I think God designed that in me lol) anyways, I finally decided to marry.

Back to our honeymoon, it wasnít good at all. I finally could do what we wanted to do for so long, but it wasnít good for her and eventually me. We were immature, but God would guide us, and I realized I needed to exhibit a great deal of patience and sacrifice, which I tried.

Fast-forward three years, before we had our girls. Our sex life was horrible. She would say "are you done yet, I am too tired, my face hurts, I had a long day at work, ect....." I prayed, and asked God to show me how to be selfless to her. I prayed that He would take away my sex drive so that we would not fight. The truth was, we fought so much about it that I could see she felt pressured into sex with me, and that is what I did not want. I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who "feels pressured to be with me."

So I asked God again, "Lord, I want to be a great husband to Jodi, and I want my desires to be yours, please give me patience, and maybe her drive will come or please show me how not to put so much pressure on sex" but the truth is, I love sex, not just because I am selfish, but because I feel like it releases frustration, stress, and the ability of Satan to tempt me, and she could do all of this by just becoming one with me. I would go to work (fulltime student, and worked 50+ hrs a week = which was probably one of the problems) and woman at the hospital would come on to me, even patients, patients family members and I always felt attacked with this temptation. I would have my quiet times during my breaks, and I would avoid the other woman who would pursue me, even knowing that I am married. For three years I did this, I allowed God to give me strength, He was my hope, what I was grasping onto.

I finally decided to quit one of my jobs, and go fulltime at my other. As I was training, my boss, a beautiful, intelligent, Christian woman was my preceptor. Right off the back, we had excellent chemistry (working chemistry), I was so excited because I actually enjoyed coming to work. I liked my new boss (just as a friend) and I enjoyed my coworkers as well as working with the doctors hand in hand. Well day in and day out, my boss was precepting me. One day as I was in a case, she came up behind me and touched my arm----I paused---- and to myself, I thought how nice it was just to have a woman touch me, the sweet, kind gesture of having another human, a womanís touch. My wife had not done that in I donít know how long. She thought that any physical interaction would lead to sex, so she tried to avoid it. But when my boss did, that one time, I committed emotional adultery, I thought in my head how special it was, even though it was just a touch.

I shrugged it off and continued with my workday, but I could tell my boss was becoming more and more interested in me. And truthfully, so was I. She was so outgoing, so loving to me, understanding, uplifting, caring----of course, everything my wife wasn't----Satan was setting a trap, or so I am thinking. On my way home that first day, I pray in my vehicle and I asked God to give me wisdom and forgive me. I came home and ask Jodi to sit down. I had tears in my eyes and I said, "Jodi, I need you, I need you as my wife, as my lover, as my companion" I began to tell her that Satan is tempting me with areas of our life you view so negatively, like our sex life. I informed her that she is the only woman in my life that I can come together sexually, and she is all I want, but she holds that from me, and I feel like she has used that to control me.
I have spoken with her, prayed with her; we went to our first sessions of marriage counseling because of it (we also attended a 16 week premarital counseling).

Well, nothing changed between Jodi and me. But things did with my boss and I. We began to talk and communicate more and more everyday. She became attracted to me and one day before the workday was over she approached me, and grabbed my hands and pulled me to her, and we kissed. I did not pull away. I was so torn, because I had not felt what it felt like to have another woman love me, and it had been so long since my wife had kissed me, wantingly without me coming to her and holding her. From then on I was so happy at work and so depressed at home. I know the relationship that I was forming was wrong, but I was so nice to have someone who actually liked me, and eventually grew to love me.

As days passed my relationship grew with my boss, and after pushing her away continuously when it came to making love, I finally gave in, and I committed adultery. My boss was ecstatic, and began falling for me, and eventually we would make love several times a day, every workday. I am not trying to make this thread bad, or unGodly, I am trying to take you through my emotional trip, so that you all can advise me.

I didnít know what to do, her is my wife, who does everything she can to avoid sex with me (we would have meaningful sex once every week and a half or so, which eventually provided us with two beautiful girls), and almost any form of physical interaction. and then here is this stunning woman, who does believe in God (although her relationship is not strongly morally convicting as you can see), is intelligent, sexy and has a wonderful sex drive. To make things short, over the next two years my boss and I develop a very strong relationship, she even shows a great deal of concern for my wife and guilt, so she would buy her gifts and give them to me to give to her as if they came from me. She would by my little girlís gifts as well as myself. She actually and truthfully loved me, and genuinely cared for me. This was evident over the whole two years. But I knew what I was doing was not right, I just couldnít fight it anymore, I began leading a double life, but eventually I broke, and I told my wife. She was heartbroken, and so was I. I decided that seeing my little girls with their mommy and daddy was more important then my selfish desire to be loved, so I picked my family up and we moved to another city, (I was fortunate that Jodi decided to try and work things out). We lived in the other city for 6 months and then moved back, to where we had friends and family.

Our sex life never improved. She informed me that she felt like her intimate feelings for me started to dissipate the day of our honeymoon. We started her on hormone shots, which helped, but in the end, she was "having to have sex with me". It was nice and wonderful to have a woman that actually "wanted" to be with me, and loved being in my presence. But, my family has to be more important then my happiness.

My former boss, would text me every once and a while, sad, and upset, she gave me my room. But the truth is, in my heart, I know God dislikes divorce; it is such a horrible picture of His love we are supposed to be exhibiting towards our spouse, similar to Jesus exhibiting His love for the Church. But...I loved this woman, my boss, I loved her spirit, her soul, and her love for me. Feelings or not, I still loved her, and she loved me. There was no more "infatuation" or "lust"; it was just sincere love for another person. It has been over three years now, and I am back in the similar situation again.

Jodi and I got into a fight, during sex, she started complaining about this or that and I had had enough! I got up and said bye and headed to the gym where I have been able to release my frustration for the last five years. She texted me, and said she was tired of it, and I said, "Mark your words wisely Jodi, if you tell me to leave, this time I will" and she sent me the message "Then leave", so I did.

Let me clarify a few things. I love my baby girls, I work 48 hours a week and still go to school full time, when I get off work (night shift), I go home and wake the girls, I bathe them while Jodi gets ready, and then I dress them, then I take them to school. After taking them to school, I text my wife, asking if I can bring her breakfast. Then I go home, sleep, wake up at lunch, and after to take her lunch, after lunch I come home and sleep some more, trying to get at least five hours of total sleep before I go back to work. I pick both girls up at five from daycare and take them home. If I am not working, I make the nights special; I either go get movies and popcorn for all of us as a family, or I take everyone out to eat. Every night I am off (3 to 4 nights per week) I lay Jodi down on our bed while she watches her show, and I massage her for one hour, I understand the day she has had and I find enjoyment in helping to release her stress through massaging her back, feet, arms, and legs. I make it special, I lay towels out, warm oil. I make points to make time on the weekends to go visit her family and so on.

I am saying this because I want to point out that I am trying to be a good husband and father, though little appreciation is ever reciprocated, it really breaks my heart. I have never let her go without; she has a new suv, and the house she wanted. I make it a point to take her clothe shopping once a month, you know, just her and I, making it a point to put aside 500.00 so she can get what she desires. I try to do everything I can, even though I know there is more I can do, please donít mistake my level of energy as pride, I earnestly try cloaking myself with humility. But nothing every changes on her side of the relationship, nothing :(.

I am so dismayed, I pray, I fast, and I try earnestly to turn from my vices and progress in His word. But I just cant live like this. I have so much love that I want to give, to someone who appreciates it.

My boss has found out that I left her, and she is excited. I have told her that I am not interested in anything right now, except my relationship with God.

Let me clarify. I know what I did was wrong, I sinned before my Lord and Savior, I am a sinner.

Please help advise me, pray for me, ask me questions.............I need someone to talk to, It is tough being alone and I donít want to fall into any womanís arms.

kasanm
May 14th 2008, 06:06 AM
Hi CRNA, welcome to the board!

I just wanted to tell you that I know ALL TO WELL of what you speak. There are so many similarities in your post that have been in my life. I started out to tell you my story, but it is very long. I do have something I want to share with you.

My prayer partner, Sunday school teacher, deacon, Promise Keeper husband left his family for another woman ten years ago. He has said numerous times that "he did not leave his children, he left me." He does take care of his children, but the damage that has been done has left severe scars on them.

I am posting an email that my 'second' mom wrote to him. It may appear harsh, but she sent it with the most absolute love and concern in her heart.

Dear _____,

This email is the first one I've written in several days because I feel it is important for both of us--for me as your friend to write the truth in love and you to receive it as such. I've asked God not to let me say anything untrue or unnecessary but beyond that I've not made up a 'prepared statement' and am writing from my heart/head. I know you've been miserable; Karen has told me so and I know you would have to be in your situation. I think you have tried the best of YOUR ability to be a good husband and father--obviously that has not worked well. OUR ability never will. We just can't do it in our own power.

I remember a time (in a former life long, long ago) when I was so unfulfilled and wanted someone else to meet my needs and was tempted to stray from my commitment--only thing that kept me from it was knowing God's displeasure would far surpass any temporary exhilaration of infidelity.

You say you're miserable now? You ain't seen nothin' yet!

REAL MISERY WILL COME WHEN:

1. YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR THREE, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN THAT YOU'RE LEAVING THEM/THEIR MOTHER/THE FAMILY UNIT.

2. WHEN THE ADDICTIVE THRILLS OF NEW, ILLICIT, SEXUAL PASSION DIMINISH (and they will go relatively fast!) THE GUILT WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU!

3. WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE LEFT THE MOTHER OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN CHILDREN FOR A WOMAN WHO IS SLEAZY ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN

4. WHEN THE WOMAN FINALLY REALIZES SHE'S ALLIED WITH A MAN WHO WILL CHEAT ON HIS 'WOMAN'--YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER AND THIS WILL BE THE BASIS FOR VERY REAL LOOOOOONG BATTLES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR CURRENT HOME BATTLES LOOK LIKE LOVE FESTS

5. WHEN MONEY IS A CONTINUAL PROBLEM/STRESSOR

6. WHEN ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS ARE A MAJOR BATTLEGROUND

7. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN CALL ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOME "DADDY"

8. WHEN YOUR DAUGHTERS LOOK TO OTHER MEN TO FULFILL FOR THEM THE VOID YOU HAVE LEFT IN THEIR HEARTS.

9. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN WHO WILL HAVE NO FATHER AT HOME TO CONSTANTLY GUIDE THEM, WANT TO ENGAGE IN THE SAME BEHAVIOR YOU ARE EXHIBITING AS THEIR ROLE MODEL.

10. WHEN THE GUILT FINALLY DRIVES YOU TO DEPRESSION AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE WILL FOLLOW.

Hang onto THESE 10 MISERIES because it's the ADDENDUM TO THE TEXTBOOK CASE you're following of ALL GUYS WHO: first cheat, then lie, excuse, deny rationalize, and thing God will let them get away with it.

Even David who committed this same grievous sin was at least repentant***but the MISERY (as outlined 1-10 above) followed him all of the days of his life; his infant son died, several of his children were a disgrace and God never let him have the real desire of his heart.

I'm not saying you don't have a repentant heart. I HOPE you do! Don't let the flesh win!!!

You may say that your children are young. My children were young. They were 4,6,7 when he left. They are now 14, 16, 18 and each have some very deep-seated hurts. My 14 and 16 year old are girls and at this very moment I am grieving because there are some very serious issues going on in their lives.....a mother's absolute terror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The things written above HAVE happened and are happening. :cry:

You mentioned that you know God doesn't like divorce. In Malachi 2:16, God said, "I HATE divorce."

I know you are miserable and I see the conflict within you. My husband was very miserable. BUT.....GOD IS GOD and He can do anything!!! Unfortunately He doesn't work on our timetable, but He KNOWS and He doesn't forget. He doesn't slumber OR sleep. You are His child...the apple of His eye. I believe the apple of one's eye is the direct center of the pupil....that's where you are. In the center of His eye. He's got you and HE IS ABLE!!!!!

You feel miserable now and who knows for how long. I have seen some pretty wicked marriages restored to blessings beyond measure. I wasn't fortunate that way, but GOD IS STILL GOD and if you draw near to Him He will most certainly draw near to you.

My heart is heavy for you, your wife and your children.

It's getting late and I fear I am beginning to ramble. I pray that God gives you the strength to do what is right no matter what!

In His perfect love,
Karen

turtledove
May 14th 2008, 04:42 PM
CRNA...welcome to the forum.

Although here on Counseling Requests others may be able to sympathize with your troubled marriage history including your account of sexual incompatiblity we will not condone adultery nor accept justification for it. God forgives and if you are truly of a repentant heart,which you say you are, you are forgiven.

It seems obvious to me that you need to seek further pastoral help and counseling. Perhaps your wife would be willing to do this yet. We have heard your story here but we don't have her story except as you have told it. Perhaps sitting down face to face with a Christian counselor or minister will help you. Someone who can hear both of you.

As for advice..I think you know that marriage is much more than the sexual part although that part is very important. Love is more than just a feeling. It is a decision.

As for our board...we give mainly biblical counsel here and are not set up to advise you beyond that or in a professional capacity. The bible is clear on your situation and what is right and what is not. I think you know that.

We have heard your side of the marriage from your point of view. A marriage couselor will work with both of you in the event your wife is still willing to give that another try. As for where it goes from here..we can only give you our prayers and concern. I think seeking help face to face with a pastoral counselor may still remain your best option even if you have to go alone. In time perhaps your wife would reconsider doing this.

As for scriptural reference: The story of David comes to my memory also; especially as told in 2 Samuel Chapters 11-18.

Peace and blessings,:pray:

wiseoldowl ... facilitator

kayte
May 14th 2008, 11:04 PM
Hi CRNA, as others have said, welcome to the board. I enjoy a lot of the devotionals, too. :)

There's so much in your post to talk about, it's hard to know where to begin. I guess the most obvious place is your thoughts/feelings about marriage. Kasanm is right to point out that it isn't that God doesn't like divorce, but rather, that He hates it. Keep in mind, we're talking about God, who created all things, is holy and just, and in keeping with His own justice, came to earth as perfection, dieing for our sins. Have you looked upon that cross? Have you seen the agony and the wrath of God as His justice for sin was poured out? Have you realized that what was done to Jesus is what you deserve? Have you come to the place of knowing that eternal hell is what you 'deserve'? (Just like all of us do.)

I ask these things because while you say that you are a sinner, you also qualify it in a sense by leaving us to understand that you feel you deserve a good sex life. You deserve reciprocal love from your wife. You deserve her willingness to live up to your expectations.

I totally get that and from a worldly point of view, you're right. Somehow when we look to God, that falls apart. If we're going to 'be Christlike' then we have to look at what that really means. Jesus (the only perfect One), took what He didn't deserve. He was betrayed, abandoned and crucified by those He loves - us. And yet, you know, He loves us still. It was that Love that held Him to the cross.

What kind of love are you displaying? Is your love willing to bear the cross? Is your love willing to die to self and live to Him and to your wife? What do those vows mean that you took before God, your wife, friends and family? When you said "for better or worse" did you have a secret line in the sand of what 'worse' you were willing to endure to death do you part?

As a Christian man, do you understand that your job is to represent God on earth... particularly to your wife and your children? When you give your wife the message that she needs to get it together and start giving you more sex or you'll find someone else that will, or you'll leave her... what are you showing her about God? If you leave your children, destroying the family unit, what are you teaching them about God and how will it affect their relationships with Him as they grow up? How will it affect their future marriages when they know that those vows don't really mean anything, because that's what you will have taught them?

When this life is over and you stand before the Lord, what do you want to know about yourself? Do you have a desire to hear 'Well done, good and faithful servant", or is it more important to you to find sexual satisfaction here and now and just figure that you can be forgiven so it'll all be okay? And the wake of destruction you leave in your path doesn't really matter or will magically work out alright?

I know I'm asking a lot of really intense questions. I hope you'll really think about them and examine yourself before the Lord.

You said;
"I have so much love that I want to give, to someone who appreciates it"
Let that sentence be changed in your heart to "I have so much love that I want to give." Period. That's loving like He does.

and
"I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who "feels pressured to be with me."
Of course you don't! But don't you realize that you're the one that's made her feel 'pressured'? She didn't fulfill your desires, so you found someone else. You prayed that the Lord would take away your sex drive so that you wouldn't argue about it anymore, instead of asking the Lord to give you strength to die to self and carry this cross and to heal your marriage. Now you're telling her that if she 'doesn't' that you'll leave her. Um... that's called pressure and you're the one that's made her feel that way.

The vast majority of women would gladly live in a little house without all kinds of 'stuff', as long as they know that their husbands love them and are devoted and faithful to them (no matter what) till death do them part.

I pray that you would go home (if she'll have you) and spend the rest of your life honoring God and loving your wife in such a way as to heal her heart... even if it means you never have sex again (I will also pray that's not the case!) I pray that your children would grow up knowing what real love means and how God loves them, because they've seen it visibly demonstrated in you, toward them and toward their mother. Go home and love them like lives depend on it... because they do.

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 01:24 AM
Hi CRNA, welcome to the board!

I just wanted to tell you that I know ALL TO WELL of what you speak. There are so many similarities in your post that have been in my life. I started out to tell you my story, but it is very long. I do have something I want to share with you.

My prayer partner, Sunday school teacher, deacon, Promise Keeper husband left his family for another woman ten years ago. He has said numerous times that "he did not leave his children, he left me." He does take care of his children, but the damage that has been done has left severe scars on them.

I am posting an email that my 'second' mom wrote to him. It may appear harsh, but she sent it with the most absolute love and concern in her heart.

Dear _____,

This email is the first one I've written in several days because I feel it is important for both of us--for me as your friend to write the truth in love and you to receive it as such. I've asked God not to let me say anything untrue or unnecessary but beyond that I've not made up a 'prepared statement' and am writing from my heart/head. I know you've been miserable; Karen has told me so and I know you would have to be in your situation. I think you have tried the best of YOUR ability to be a good husband and father--obviously that has not worked well. OUR ability never will. We just can't do it in our own power.

I remember a time (in a former life long, long ago) when I was so unfulfilled and wanted someone else to meet my needs and was tempted to stray from my commitment--only thing that kept me from it was knowing God's displeasure would far surpass any temporary exhilaration of infidelity.

You say you're miserable now? You ain't seen nothin' yet!

REAL MISERY WILL COME WHEN:

1. YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR THREE, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN THAT YOU'RE LEAVING THEM/THEIR MOTHER/THE FAMILY UNIT.

2. WHEN THE ADDICTIVE THRILLS OF NEW, ILLICIT, SEXUAL PASSION DIMINISH (and they will go relatively fast!) THE GUILT WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU!

3. WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE LEFT THE MOTHER OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN CHILDREN FOR A WOMAN WHO IS SLEAZY ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN

4. WHEN THE WOMAN FINALLY REALIZES SHE'S ALLIED WITH A MAN WHO WILL CHEAT ON HIS 'WOMAN'--YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER AND THIS WILL BE THE BASIS FOR VERY REAL LOOOOOONG BATTLES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR CURRENT HOME BATTLES LOOK LIKE LOVE FESTS

5. WHEN MONEY IS A CONTINUAL PROBLEM/STRESSOR

6. WHEN ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS ARE A MAJOR BATTLEGROUND

7. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN CALL ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOME "DADDY"

8. WHEN YOUR DAUGHTERS LOOK TO OTHER MEN TO FULFILL FOR THEM THE VOID YOU HAVE LEFT IN THEIR HEARTS.

9. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN WHO WILL HAVE NO FATHER AT HOME TO CONSTANTLY GUIDE THEM, WANT TO ENGAGE IN THE SAME BEHAVIOR YOU ARE EXHIBITING AS THEIR ROLE MODEL.

10. WHEN THE GUILT FINALLY DRIVES YOU TO DEPRESSION AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE WILL FOLLOW.

Hang onto THESE 10 MISERIES because it's the ADDENDUM TO THE TEXTBOOK CASE you're following of ALL GUYS WHO: first cheat, then lie, excuse, deny rationalize, and thing God will let them get away with it.

Even David who committed this same grievous sin was at least repentant***but the MISERY (as outlined 1-10 above) followed him all of the days of his life; his infant son died, several of his children were a disgrace and God never let him have the real desire of his heart.

I'm not saying you don't have a repentant heart. I HOPE you do! Don't let the flesh win!!!

You may say that your children are young. My children were young. They were 4,6,7 when he left. They are now 14, 16, 18 and each have some very deep-seated hurts. My 14 and 16 year old are girls and at this very moment I am grieving because there are some very serious issues going on in their lives.....a mother's absolute terror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The things written above HAVE happened and are happening. :cry:

You mentioned that you know God doesn't like divorce. In Malachi 2:16, God said, "I HATE divorce."

I know you are miserable and I see the conflict within you. My husband was very miserable. BUT.....GOD IS GOD and He can do anything!!! Unfortunately He doesn't work on our timetable, but He KNOWS and He doesn't forget. He doesn't slumber OR sleep. You are His child...the apple of His eye. I believe the apple of one's eye is the direct center of the pupil....that's where you are. In the center of His eye. He's got you and HE IS ABLE!!!!!

You feel miserable now and who knows for how long. I have seen some pretty wicked marriages restored to blessings beyond measure. I wasn't fortunate that way, but GOD IS STILL GOD and if you draw near to Him He will most certainly draw near to you.

My heart is heavy for you, your wife and your children.

It's getting late and I fear I am beginning to ramble. I pray that God gives you the strength to do what is right no matter what!

In His perfect love,
Karen







...............

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 01:27 AM
CRNA...welcome to the forum.

Although here on Counseling Requests others may be able to sympathize with your troubled marriage history including your account of sexual incompatiblity we will not condone adultery nor accept justification for it. God forgives and if you are truly of a repentant heart,which you say you are, you are forgiven.

It seems obvious to me that you need to seek further pastoral help and counseling. Perhaps your wife would be willing to do this yet. We have heard your story here but we don't have her story except as you have told it. Perhaps sitting down face to face with a Christian counselor or minister will help you. Someone who can hear both of you.

As for advice..I think you know that marriage is much more than the sexual part although that part is very important. Love is more than just a feeling. It is a decision.

As for our board...we give mainly biblical counsel here and are not set up to advise you beyond that or in a professional capacity. The bible is clear on your situation and what is right and what is not. I think you know that.

We have heard your side of the marriage from your point of view. A marriage couselor will work with both of you in the event your wife is still willing to give that another try. As for where it goes from here..we can only give you our prayers and concern. I think seeking help face to face with a pastoral counselor may still remain your best option even if you have to go alone. In time perhaps your wife would reconsider doing this.

As for scriptural reference: The story of David comes to my memory also; especially as told in 2 Samuel Chapters 11-18.

Peace and blessings,:pray:

wiseoldowl ... facilitator
Been to counseling three times so far, almost to tired to put the gloves on again, but I will, and I know she wants me back, I am not sure if its because I pamper her or do any and everything she asks me to do, or if she sincerely loves me. Thank you for the reference, it will be the main focus of my devotional tonight.

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 01:32 AM
Hi CRNA, as others have said, welcome to the board. I enjoy a lot of the devotionals, too. :)

There's so much in your post to talk about, it's hard to know where to begin. I guess the most obvious place is your thoughts/feelings about marriage. Kasanm is right to point out that it isn't that God doesn't like divorce, but rather, that He hates it. Keep in mind, we're talking about God, who created all things, is holy and just, and in keeping with His own justice, came to earth as perfection, dieing for our sins. Have you looked upon that cross? Have you seen the agony and the wrath of God as His justice for sin was poured out? Have you realized that what was done to Jesus is what you deserve? Have you come to the place of knowing that eternal hell is what you 'deserve'? (Just like all of us do.)

I ask these things because while you say that you are a sinner, you also qualify it in a sense by leaving us to understand that you feel you deserve a good sex life. You deserve reciprocal love from your wife. You deserve her willingness to live up to your expectations.

I totally get that and from a worldly point of view, you're right. Somehow when we look to God, that falls apart. If we're going to 'be Christlike' then we have to look at what that really means. Jesus (the only perfect One), took what He didn't deserve. He was betrayed, abandoned and crucified by those He loves - us. And yet, you know, He loves us still. It was that Love that held Him to the cross.

What kind of love are you displaying? Is your love willing to bear the cross? Is your love willing to die to self and live to Him and to your wife? What do those vows mean that you took before God, your wife, friends and family? When you said "for better or worse" did you have a secret line in the sand of what 'worse' you were willing to endure to death do you part?

As a Christian man, do you understand that your job is to represent God on earth... particularly to your wife and your children? When you give your wife the message that she needs to get it together and start giving you more sex or you'll find someone else that will, or you'll leave her... what are you showing her about God? If you leave your children, destroying the family unit, what are you teaching them about God and how will it affect their relationships with Him as they grow up? How will it affect their future marriages when they know that those vows don't really mean anything, because that's what you will have taught them?

When this life is over and you stand before the Lord, what do you want to know about yourself? Do you have a desire to hear 'Well done, good and faithful servant", or is it more important to you to find sexual satisfaction here and now and just figure that you can be forgiven so it'll all be okay? And the wake of destruction you leave in your path doesn't really matter or will magically work out alright?

I know I'm asking a lot of really intense questions. I hope you'll really think about them and examine yourself before the Lord.

You said;
Let that sentence be changed in your heart to "I have so much love that I want to give." Period. That's loving like He does.

and
Of course you don't! But don't you realize that you're the one that's made her feel 'pressured'? She didn't fulfill your desires, so you found someone else. You prayed that the Lord would take away your sex drive so that you wouldn't argue about it anymore, instead of asking the Lord to give you strength to die to self and carry this cross and to heal your marriage. Now you're telling her that if she 'doesn't' that you'll leave her. Um... that's called pressure and you're the one that's made her feel that way.

The vast majority of women would gladly live in a little house without all kinds of 'stuff', as long as they know that their husbands love them and are devoted and faithful to them (no matter what) till death do them part.

I pray that you would go home (if she'll have you) and spend the rest of your life honoring God and loving your wife in such a way as to heal her heart... even if it means you never have sex again (I will also pray that's not the case!) I pray that your children would grow up knowing what real love means and how God loves them, because they've seen it visibly demonstrated in you, toward them and toward their mother. Go home and love them like lives depend on it... because they do.

Your wrong. For three years I prayed to my Father as I slept that He would give me patience not to desire my wife like I do, so as not to pressure her. But night after night, she still never came on to me, and I know me coming onto her is just another "pressure" that I am putting on her.

You are right about everything else, I agree, I am not here to satisfy my selfish/God given human desires. Why did God give my such a strong sex drive and then entrap me with a woman who hates it, Hmmm, I guess to develop character!!! Now I am angry, I must stop, thanks again.

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 01:44 AM
Hi CRNA, welcome to the board!

I just wanted to tell you that I know ALL TO WELL of what you speak. There are so many similarities in your post that have been in my life. I started out to tell you my story, but it is very long. I do have something I want to share with you.

My prayer partner, Sunday school teacher, deacon, Promise Keeper husband left his family for another woman ten years ago. He has said numerous times that "he did not leave his children, he left me." He does take care of his children, but the damage that has been done has left severe scars on them.

I am posting an email that my 'second' mom wrote to him. It may appear harsh, but she sent it with the most absolute love and concern in her heart.

Dear _____,

This email is the first one I've written in several days because I feel it is important for both of us--for me as your friend to write the truth in love and you to receive it as such. I've asked God not to let me say anything untrue or unnecessary but beyond that I've not made up a 'prepared statement' and am writing from my heart/head. I know you've been miserable; Karen has told me so and I know you would have to be in your situation. I think you have tried the best of YOUR ability to be a good husband and father--obviously that has not worked well. OUR ability never will. We just can't do it in our own power.

I remember a time (in a former life long, long ago) when I was so unfulfilled and wanted someone else to meet my needs and was tempted to stray from my commitment--only thing that kept me from it was knowing God's displeasure would far surpass any temporary exhilaration of infidelity.

You say you're miserable now? You ain't seen nothin' yet!

REAL MISERY WILL COME WHEN:

1. YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR THREE, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN THAT YOU'RE LEAVING THEM/THEIR MOTHER/THE FAMILY UNIT.

2. WHEN THE ADDICTIVE THRILLS OF NEW, ILLICIT, SEXUAL PASSION DIMINISH (and they will go relatively fast!) THE GUILT WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU!

3. WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE LEFT THE MOTHER OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN CHILDREN FOR A WOMAN WHO IS SLEAZY ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN

4. WHEN THE WOMAN FINALLY REALIZES SHE'S ALLIED WITH A MAN WHO WILL CHEAT ON HIS 'WOMAN'--YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER AND THIS WILL BE THE BASIS FOR VERY REAL LOOOOOONG BATTLES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR CURRENT HOME BATTLES LOOK LIKE LOVE FESTS

5. WHEN MONEY IS A CONTINUAL PROBLEM/STRESSOR

6. WHEN ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS ARE A MAJOR BATTLEGROUND

7. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN CALL ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOME "DADDY"

8. WHEN YOUR DAUGHTERS LOOK TO OTHER MEN TO FULFILL FOR THEM THE VOID YOU HAVE LEFT IN THEIR HEARTS.

9. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN WHO WILL HAVE NO FATHER AT HOME TO CONSTANTLY GUIDE THEM, WANT TO ENGAGE IN THE SAME BEHAVIOR YOU ARE EXHIBITING AS THEIR ROLE MODEL.

10. WHEN THE GUILT FINALLY DRIVES YOU TO DEPRESSION AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE WILL FOLLOW.

Hang onto THESE 10 MISERIES because it's the ADDENDUM TO THE TEXTBOOK CASE you're following of ALL GUYS WHO: first cheat, then lie, excuse, deny rationalize, and thing God will let them get away with it.

Even David who committed this same grievous sin was at least repentant***but the MISERY (as outlined 1-10 above) followed him all of the days of his life; his infant son died, several of his children were a disgrace and God never let him have the real desire of his heart.

I'm not saying you don't have a repentant heart. I HOPE you do! Don't let the flesh win!!!

You may say that your children are young. My children were young. They were 4,6,7 when he left. They are now 14, 16, 18 and each have some very deep-seated hurts. My 14 and 16 year old are girls and at this very moment I am grieving because there are some very serious issues going on in their lives.....a mother's absolute terror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The things written above HAVE happened and are happening. :cry:

You mentioned that you know God doesn't like divorce. In Malachi 2:16, God said, "I HATE divorce."

I know you are miserable and I see the conflict within you. My husband was very miserable. BUT.....GOD IS GOD and He can do anything!!! Unfortunately He doesn't work on our timetable, but He KNOWS and He doesn't forget. He doesn't slumber OR sleep. You are His child...the apple of His eye. I believe the apple of one's eye is the direct center of the pupil....that's where you are. In the center of His eye. He's got you and HE IS ABLE!!!!!

You feel miserable now and who knows for how long. I have seen some pretty wicked marriages restored to blessings beyond measure. I wasn't fortunate that way, but GOD IS STILL GOD and if you draw near to Him He will most certainly draw near to you.

My heart is heavy for you, your wife and your children.

It's getting late and I fear I am beginning to ramble. I pray that God gives you the strength to do what is right no matter what!

In His perfect love,
Karen







I am just curious Karen, did you try and fix the problems you both were having or was it all his fault? And, is he still with that other woman? is he happy?

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 02:24 AM
1. YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR THREE, INNOCENT, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN THAT YOU'RE LEAVING THEM/THEIR MOTHER/THE FAMILY UNIT.


Or would you rather me having to explain to them why their mother and father fight and are unhappy every day they are together? Great example of the love of Christ.



2. WHEN THE ADDICTIVE THRILLS OF NEW, ILLICIT, SEXUAL PASSION DIMINISH (and they will go relatively fast!) THE GUILT WILL EVENTUALLY GET YOU!


Well, this other woman and I had been seeing each other for over a year, the "thrills" have not left, but the infatuation and lust has. I have been through the guilt of doing wrong before my family and the Lord, it is horrible, thats why staying married is so difficult.






3. WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE LEFT THE MOTHER OF YOUR GOD-GIVEN CHILDREN FOR A WOMAN WHO IS SLEAZY ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN


Correct, but it has taken two to destroy this. I have heard four stories of men who were in my exact situation who have been remarried to there other woman and have been married 15 plus years to the other woman, and they are so glad they did it, "christian men" who were trapped in my similiar situation. These four stories have been told to me since I posted this.

Maybe the wife should consider change, maybe that would help?



4. WHEN THE WOMAN FINALLY REALIZES SHE'S ALLIED WITH A MAN WHO WILL CHEAT ON HIS 'WOMAN'--YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER AND THIS WILL BE THE BASIS FOR VERY REAL LOOOOOONG BATTLES THAT WILL MAKE YOUR CURRENT HOME BATTLES LOOK LIKE LOVE FESTS



Very true I agree, but nothing more then the horrible fights I am having with the woman who I love and actually adore who cants stand for me to touch here (this starting after our honeymoon). Anything would be better.





5. WHEN MONEY IS A CONTINUAL PROBLEM/STRESSOR


:B huh? I dont get it, unless God desires to take away everything I have for desires to live a happeir life with someone who loves me. I still follow Christ and love Him with all my being, I am just in a bad place right now, and I am trying to figure out what is the best approach, live in misery or start over?



6. WHEN ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS ARE A MAJOR BATTLEGROUND


They already are.



7. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN CALL ANOTHER MAN IN YOUR HOME "DADDY"


This will be painful, but I pray God will give me strength, and eventually they will realize who there real Daddy is. And trust me, no man, will ever be able to replace me towards my girls, let that be understood. I am involved in their everyday lives even though she and I arent together, we eat everyday, I pray with them every morning, I take them to school and pick them up. The day another man tries to take that from me, will be the day I go to see the Father.



8. WHEN YOUR DAUGHTERS LOOK TO OTHER MEN TO FULFILL FOR THEM THE VOID YOU HAVE LEFT IN THEIR HEARTS.


lol, my wife's mother and father split and she seems to have done just fine, we were both virgins when we married, so another inaccurate thought.




9. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN WHO WILL HAVE NO FATHER AT HOME TO CONSTANTLY GUIDE THEM, WANT TO ENGAGE IN THE SAME BEHAVIOR YOU ARE EXHIBITING AS THEIR ROLE MODEL.



My father is an excellent Godly man, who has been a great example of Christ to me and my brothers and sisters, he was never home though because he provided so my mom could stay home. The time we did have together was special though. In fact, most Christian men and secular men who work and slave for their families arent home alot, but we try and make it work, so another irrelevant post.




10. WHEN THE GUILT FINALLY DRIVES YOU TO DEPRESSION AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE WILL FOLLOW.



Where are you getting this junk from? I would like to speak to the lady that wrote this. I am a Bible believing Christian, and actually I am very conservative. I was in a bad situation and I made mistakes, I am not perfect.

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 02:51 AM
Karen, I am not upset at you, I am just upset at the whole situation, it seems like it is always the mans fault in these type of situations.

Men suffer most from sexual tempations, they have testosterone running through their veins, it is what drives us. We must exhibit self control, but as in my case, I live with a beautiful woman who I continually inform her of this, but wont meet these needs that only she can physically (other then God). So I am being tortured in the sense that I can sleep in the same bed with this one woman, my wife, but I cant even come together with her. That is torture. And that is her fault! I dont care what others will say, THAT IS A NEED FOR A HUSBAND, NOT A WANT. My wife needs me to provide for her, and I DO, BECAUSE THAT IS HER NEED. When I go to work without having certain needs met, then the door for temptation is so much larger TRUST ME I KNOW THIS! Please dont tell me I am wrong for saying this, unless you are a man and can put yourself in the same situation, then I will respect your opinion.

CRNA
May 15th 2008, 02:59 AM
CRNA...welcome to the forum.

Although here on Counseling Requests others may be able to sympathize with your troubled marriage history including your account of sexual incompatiblity we will not condone adultery nor accept justification for it. God forgives and if you are truly of a repentant heart,which you say you are, you are forgiven.

It seems obvious to me that you need to seek further pastoral help and counseling. Perhaps your wife would be willing to do this yet. We have heard your story here but we don't have her story except as you have told it. Perhaps sitting down face to face with a Christian counselor or minister will help you. Someone who can hear both of you.

As for advice..I think you know that marriage is much more than the sexual part although that part is very important. Love is more than just a feeling. It is a decision.

As for our board...we give mainly biblical counsel here and are not set up to advise you beyond that or in a professional capacity. The bible is clear on your situation and what is right and what is not. I think you know that.

We have heard your side of the marriage from your point of view. A marriage couselor will work with both of you in the event your wife is still willing to give that another try. As for where it goes from here..we can only give you our prayers and concern. I think seeking help face to face with a pastoral counselor may still remain your best option even if you have to go alone. In time perhaps your wife would reconsider doing this.

As for scriptural reference: The story of David comes to my memory also; especially as told in 2 Samuel Chapters 11-18.

Peace and blessings,:pray:

wiseoldowl ... facilitator

Well, I just got off the phone with her. We had a very pleasant and comforting conversation. She said she felt peaceful about it, which was good to hear. We will be signing papers next week. Thank you all for the help and guidance.

ProjectPeter
May 15th 2008, 12:32 PM
CRNA,

Here's the thing about fault... usually it is some of both. That is almost a rule that always applies regardless of how either side wants to see it.

I don't know what to tell you about why your wife has a problem with intamacy. Could be quite a number of things. But man... honestly... if there is a problem deeply rooted with her in that regard (likely is) then if you really do love her that is going to require a lot more patience than a lot of men have... but then I would say if you really do love her then you can hang.

I hear you about the gym but as should be apparent... the gym is not going to work out the sort of tension that you have. Your options, as you stated, are to fall into temptation or simply put those urges and needs down until you can get this fixed.

Now... sounds like you two are fixing to go on and get the divorce... and that would be a shame. But it is going to take swallowing a lot of pride and testosterone for you to get it fixed now. If you are willing to do that and you want to talk further then here for you. If you are just going to quit and call it good... then let us know and we'll just close this thread and you can go on with life trying to justify it in your mind.

kayte
May 15th 2008, 05:52 PM
Your wrong. For three years I prayed to my Father as I slept that He would give me patience not to desire my wife like I do, so as not to pressure her. But night after night, she still never came on to me, and I know me coming onto her is just another "pressure" that I am putting on her.

You are right about everything else, I agree, I am not here to satisfy my selfish/God given human desires. Why did God give my such a strong sex drive and then entrap me with a woman who hates it, Hmmm, I guess to develop character!!! Now I am angry, I must stop, thanks again.
I figured you'd be angry, but had to take that risk. I don't believe that the Lord puts impossible demands on us... incredibly hard ones, yes, but He also makes us able to bear it and walk it out if we surrender to Him. I also found out that there's joy after that surrender has been made. Before, well.. it only looks like misery.


Karen, I am not upset at you, I am just upset at the whole situation, it seems like it is always the mans fault in these type of situations.

Men suffer most from sexual tempations, they have testosterone running through their veins, it is what drives us. We must exhibit self control, but as in my case, I live with a beautiful woman who I continually inform her of this, but wont meet these needs that only she can physically (other then God). So I am being tortured in the sense that I can sleep in the same bed with this one woman, my wife, but I cant even come together with her. That is torture. And that is her fault! I dont care what others will say, THAT IS A NEED FOR A HUSBAND, NOT A WANT. My wife needs me to provide for her, and I DO, BECAUSE THAT IS HER NEED. When I go to work without having certain needs met, then the door for temptation is so much larger TRUST ME I KNOW THIS! Please dont tell me I am wrong for saying this, unless you are a man and can put yourself in the same situation, then I will respect your opinion.
As ProjectPeter said, it usually both's fault.
The responses you've received here are directed toward you because YOU are the one here. If your wife were the one posting, you can be assured that she'd be hearing some hard things, too. But she's not here, so we can't address that side of it. Make sense?

One sin doesn't ever justify or make another sin okay. That's just the way it is, so it's kind of silly to want to place 'fault' anyway. When you stand before God, there's no way you can point at your wife and say it was her fault that you did what you did. And the same will go for her.

Kind of sad that you can't respect the opinion of women that haven't been in your shoes, but perhaps you could find some respect for women that have a husband that's been in your shoes? And maybe hear what's helped those women to work on it?

But, if you're bound and determined to divorce, there's no point in going on, so let us know.

turtledove
May 15th 2008, 08:56 PM
Well, I just got off the phone with her. We had a very pleasant and comforting conversation. She said she felt peaceful about it, which was good to hear. We will be signing papers next week. Thank you all for the help and guidance.

CRNA, since you asked to talk with a man I asked a male moderator/administrator, ProjectPeter, who has replied to you two posts above this one(unless someone else or you post while I am typing this :)). If you haven't done so yet...please reply to him before you respond to my post or any other.

And once more I just want to repeat my suggestion for you to consider seeing a marriage counselor again, that is, if your decision is not final. But it will mean that both of you are willing to do this.

You shared with us your side of what you see as a failure in the marriage; but any problem, and this often includes sexual issues , usually has a deeper root. I am guessing that it may be a communication break down or just an inablity to communicate especially regarding the issues surrounding intimacy. Marriage counselors see this constantly.

To get help though, if you and her decide to give it another go, you will need a third party..mediator/counselor, to help you with this and you will both have to be willing to work on it with that person and with each other.


You and your wife are in my prayers tonight. :pray:

My husband and I have been married 47 years and we still have to work on it; but not as much as when we were younger that is for sure. I think praying together has really helped us stay together. The first 25 were the hardest. Sometimes now we are so close we finish each others' sentences sort of like the couples in "When Harry Met Sally." :)

And one more scripture no matter what journey lies ahead for you.

Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

Peace, <><

wiseoldowl

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 02:01 AM
Update, we decided to hold off. I fasted and prayed throughout last night and I know in my heart that God has put us together for a reason, and thats to glorify Him with our lives. I have done poorly, but i am not going to give up. I am asking God to soften my heart, and restore what was lost.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 02:10 AM
CRNA,

Here's the thing about fault... usually it is some of both. That is almost a rule that always applies regardless of how either side wants to see it.

I don't know what to tell you about why your wife has a problem with intamacy. Could be quite a number of things. But man... honestly... if there is a problem deeply rooted with her in that regard (likely is) then if you really do love her that is going to require a lot more patience than a lot of men have... but then I would say if you really do love her then you can hang.

I hear you about the gym but as should be apparent... the gym is not going to work out the sort of tension that you have. Your options, as you stated, are to fall into temptation or simply put those urges and needs down until you can get this fixed.

Now... sounds like you two are fixing to go on and get the divorce... and that would be a shame. But it is going to take swallowing a lot of pride and testosterone for you to get it fixed now. If you are willing to do that and you want to talk further then here for you. If you are just going to quit and call it good... then let us know and we'll just close this thread and you can go on with life trying to justify it in your mind.

Peter,

Thank you for responding. I was in a very bad place a few days ago, mentally. I cant tell you what spiritual warfare I have been through over this whole ordeal including what my wife has gone through also, but it is no joke.

Thank you for hanging on and posting, I am taking a stand, what little is left of me, and I am going to fight for this. I know she is the one, the one God had intended to by my wife. I have never stopped loving her, even when the pain of rejection is put on my plate, I still cant turn my love off. Because, I genuinly believe that this is the love that God put in my heart for her Peter.

I have made some horrific mistakes, but, and I am reminded continually either by Satan or my own mind, that I should quit trying, but I am focusing on things that are pure and just,and my spirit is strong today.

My wife was ecstatic that I was going to work things out. I am still not living at home, because I need God to work on areas in me, before I can present myself to her fully.

FaithfulSheep
May 16th 2008, 02:15 AM
Let me be the first to tell you how happy I am that you and your wife are going to try to work this out. :)

Your preacher or a Christian counselor would be great to help you and your wife as you work to unify your marriage. They will be able to help you along the way and discuss and deal with the issues you two are facing. :hug:

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 02:28 AM
I figured you'd be angry, but had to take that risk. I don't believe that the Lord puts impossible demands on us... incredibly hard ones, yes, but He also makes us able to bear it and walk it out if we surrender to Him. I also found out that there's joy after that surrender has been made. Before, well.. it only looks like misery.


It is very hard, but I know if and when we make it through it, with humility, we could withstand any other attacks with more confidence.



As ProjectPeter said, it usually both's fault.
The responses you've received here are directed toward you because YOU are the one here. If your wife were the one posting, you can be assured that she'd be hearing some hard things, too. But she's not here, so we can't address that side of it. Make sense?


I understand, it is sometimes difficult to hear someone speak conviction and truth, when all you want to hear is what agrees with oneself.



One sin doesn't ever justify or make another sin okay. That's just the way it is, so it's kind of silly to want to place 'fault' anyway. When you stand before God, there's no way you can point at your wife and say it was her fault that you did what you did. And the same will go for her.



You are correct, in a sinners mind it makes compromise easier when you are playing the fault game, which is what I was doing.



Kind of sad that you can't respect the opinion of women that haven't been in your shoes,


I am sorry, it is not that your advice is not or any womens advice is not respected, but advice from a man that has been through and persevered in this situation is highly respected. No offense meant but that is the way I feel.



but perhaps you could find some respect for women that have a husband that's been in your shoes?

I am just a little worn out hearing from most woman how it is all my fault, it is disheartening. I know what I did was wrong, and it was aweful. I sinned before God, my wife, my children and any other party invovled. But most of all, I am suppossed to depict Christ to my family, and I portrayed Satan. I feel like my ability to fight that temptation could have been easier if my wife would have fullfilled her RESPONSIBILTIY as a wife to her husband. I am very hurt in this area, and that last sentence sounded like I am nothing but a selfish, self centered jerk. But place yourselves in a mans shoes and work daily in a proffessional enviroment 90% occupied by woman. DOES IT MAKE ANYTHING RIGHT, NO! I am merely making a statement, I still sinned, I am 100% at fault, I made a choice. arrggg, done with that.



But, if you're bound and determined to divorce, there's no point in going on, so let us know.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 02:33 AM
You and your wife are in my prayers tonight. :pray:

My husband and I have been married 47 years and we still have to work on it; but not as much as when we were younger that is for sure. I think praying together has really helped us stay together. The first 25 were the hardest. Sometimes now we are so close we finish each others' sentences sort of like the couples in "When Harry Met Sally." :)

And one more scripture no matter what journey lies ahead for you.

Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

Peace, <><

wiseoldowl

Wise, thank you, thank you for keeping this thread open and thank you for speaking with me. I was angry when I came here, but God is doing a work in me, I know it.

My wife and I had lunch today and it went very well. I am not staying at the house, my choice, until God has ironed somethings out in my life, the last thing I want to do is fail. We plan to have "family night" friday, with our little girls.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 02:46 AM
Let me be the first to tell you how happy I am that you and your wife are going to try to work this out. :)

Your preacher or a Christian counselor would be great to help you and your wife as you work to unify your marriage. They will be able to help you along the way and discuss and deal with the issues you two are facing. :hug:


Thanks for the kind words.

Concerning the counselor, we have been a total of three times and they have been very frustrating times. I know this sounds bad, but I really dont want to spill out everything again to another man/woman who will say the same stuff.

I am very open to critiscm (for the most part :lol:), but most of all, I am willing to change. My father, the most earthly form of Christ I have ever met, is truly my mentor. He is the most non biased person I have ever met and my wife is always encourage when my father and I spend time together. Yesterday he agreed to meet with me once a week. I am very fortunate.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 02:56 AM
Let me be the first to tell you how happy I am that you and your wife are going to try to work this out. :)

Your preacher or a Christian counselor would be great to help you and your wife as you work to unify your marriage. They will be able to help you along the way and discuss and deal with the issues you two are facing. :hug:

Though this may sound odd, I have gathered more from this thread in two days, then 8 weeks of marital counseling. Being able to sit and read, then get angry and frustrated walk away and come back with a clear mind, really does alot for me :rofl:.

kayte
May 16th 2008, 04:57 AM
I want to start off by saying WELL DONE! I'm so glad that you took some time and worked through some things and have decided to work on it. With men, some things are impossible, but with God all things are possible!

It is very hard, but I know if and when we make it through it, with humility, we could withstand any other attacks with more confidence.
You are so right. The first four years of my marriage were really bad. I do mean REALLY bad. By the third year, it wasn't really a marriage at all. We had trashed each other so thoroughly that there wasn't much left. But we turned ourselves over to the Lord and here we are at year 30, head over heels in love, standing as one and our confidence is strong and sure in Him.


I understand, it is sometimes difficult to hear someone speak conviction and truth, when all you want to hear is what agrees with oneself.Sure it is. For all of us. :)


You are correct, in a sinners mind it makes compromise easier when you are playing the fault game, which is what I was doing.
I know. Believe me... I know.

I am sorry, it is not that your advice is not or any womens advice is not respected, but advice from a man that has been through and persevered in this situation is highly respected. No offense meant but that is the way I feel.
No offense taken. I do get that.


I am just a little worn out hearing from most woman how it is all my fault, it is disheartening. I know what I did was wrong, and it was aweful. I sinned before God, my wife, my children and any other party invovled. But most of all, I am suppossed to depict Christ to my family, and I portrayed Satan. I feel like my ability to fight that temptation could have been easier if my wife would have fullfilled her RESPONSIBILTIY as a wife to her husband. I am very hurt in this area, and that last sentence sounded like I am nothing but a selfish, self centered jerk. But place yourselves in a mans shoes and work daily in a proffessional enviroment 90% occupied by woman. DOES IT MAKE ANYTHING RIGHT, NO! I am merely making a statement, I still sinned, I am 100% at fault, I made a choice. arrggg, done with that.
I believe if you go back and read through the whole thread, you won't find anyone that said it was all your fault. Like I said, you were addressed because of the simple fact that you were the one posting. We really can't address your wife's deal without her. As you said, what you did is 100% your fault. Just as what she did is 100% her fault. But it sounds very much as though you both have it in you (in Christ) to let Him restore all things.

I honestly do understand your hurt in that area and I don't take it lightly. Your wife needs help and it would be great if she would seek it. Great is putting it mildly. Your marriage needs major healing and I'm praying that she will step up and work on her side of things along with you.

Figure that if the Lord can break your heart, He can break hers, too. Sometimes, things get so broken and messed up that He has to re-break them to set them right. (Picture a broken leg that wasn't taken care of properly.) It's incredibly painful and we humans tend to run from pain... but once the Great Physician has stepped in and begun mending, it's incredible. We can run when we could only hobble along before.
Hopefully that makes sense.

Way back when my husband and I started on the road to healing in our marriage, I never imagined it could be like it is today. I guess I expected us to reach a place of being able to live peaceably in the same house and treat each other with kindness and respect. (I didn't have very lofty ideas or grand expectations. :lol:) But I can honestly tell you that He is able to not just restore things, but take them further than you can imagine right now. Love truly does cover a multitude of sins. Love truly does conquer all.

My husband is an extraordinary man, surrendered to God. I am an incredibly blessed woman and I know it. It is his love that humbles me and makes me want to be 'the perfect wife'... for him.

Eh... I'm rambling now.
I'm sorry if you felt that I was taking a hammer to your head. It wasn't my intention. Marriages surrendered to God are a passion of mine, because I know what He's capable of.

God bless.

h2jo
May 16th 2008, 04:57 AM
I'm going to sound really nosy, but I have been following this thread and my heart nearly jumped out its chest when you said you were going to try hard to restore things with your wife.

I haven't said anythig, because I don't have much good advice (I'm 22, been married 18 months.. got nothing).. but I did want to say one thing (Peter has already said it) Your wife might have a deep rooted issue she needs to deal with in regards to her intamacy. She might not even know what the problem is herself and it might take a lot of work on both parts to find it.

When I got married, someone told me "Don't look for blame, look for solutions". I liked it. Don't hold youself in bondage by thinking its all your fault or your wife's fault. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I know I need to take my own advice because I try and blame a lot on my husband.. but at the end of the day, what's done is done.

:hug: I really hope things keep working out for you.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 05:50 AM
My husband is an extraordinary man, surrendered to God. I am an incredibly blessed woman and I know it. It is his love that humbles me and makes me want to be 'the perfect wife'... for him.



The day my wife can say this about me is the day I know God has saturated every thought and action and it will truly be heaven on earth.



Eh... I'm rambling now.
I'm sorry if you felt that I was taking a hammer to your head. It wasn't my intention. Marriages surrendered to God are a passion of mine, because I know what He's capable of.

God bless.

:kiss: Thats a holy kiss and its on the cheek, nothing behind that at all :rofl:

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 06:01 AM
I'm going to sound really nosy, but I have been following this thread and my heart nearly jumped out its chest when you said you were going to try hard to restore things with your wife.

I haven't said anythig, because I don't have much good advice (I'm 22, been married 18 months.. got nothing).. but I did want to say one thing (Peter has already said it) Your wife might have a deep rooted issue she needs to deal with in regards to her intamacy. She might not even know what the problem is herself and it might take a lot of work on both parts to find it.

When I got married, someone told me "Don't look for blame, look for solutions". I liked it. Don't hold youself in bondage by thinking its all your fault or your wife's fault. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I know I need to take my own advice because I try and blame a lot on my husband.. but at the end of the day, what's done is done.

I really hope things work out for you

Thank you for your encouragement, and prayers for my wife and I. Its weird, I dont feel like trying to find any of her faults, but more, focusing on all of mine. I am praying for her, that God will reveal anything He needs to in her, and she be receptive. It was so amazing this morning. I got off work, and headed to our house (she and the girls are living there now) to help get the girls ready for school. So I get there, run the bath water, and get both girls up and into the bath tub while not trying to pay to much attention to my wife. This is because, in the mornings, I love to cuddle and hug/kiss, but she doesnt like to be touched or anything like that, so it helps me not to notice her a whole lot so I try and stay busy with the girls so I dont get upset at the situation.

Well, to cut this short, she was wearing a shirt to work that was tight and showed a little mid-section when she raised her arms. She works with alot of men (oil field related) and because of my past actions I find myself insecure with her, when she has never really gave me any reason to be. Anyways, weeks ago, I would have asked her if she thought that shirt was inappropriate (this coming from a man who did what I did in my marriage) but this morning I didnt, I just said alittle prayer which consisted of God showing me my heart. Well, I went back to dressing the girls after their bath and guess what? She came out of the bathroom and changed shirts :eek:, I didnt say one word, I just smiled and went on my way.

Anyways, sorry for the rambling, just so excited, I feel like a new man, and I thank God for this community of believers.


Back to your above post H2jo. I have been raised in a conservative home with the most loving of families, my father was a nearly perfect example of what I want to be, Christ. I had always dreamed of being my future wifes knight in shining armour who would come down carry her off in my arms.

I had plans of what we do with our kids which included bible story time before bed along with prayer (which we do) and a wife who loved me (which I guess maybe I really wanted her to lust after me, sick huh?).

Funny thing is, we waited until we married, but it was such a hard road due to her desires, but after marriage she did a 180 :B. for some weird reason and now it was me trying to purseu her.

I do need to clarify though, my wife is the greatest mother I would have ever wished for my girls. Not only that, she is stunning, athletic, hard working, funny, and most of all, forgiving.

I feel like so many scales have just fallen off in the last few days, but that does not and can not give way to pride or I could end up in the same situation.



p.s. Not sure what happened to the consistency of this above post, lol.

Joso
May 16th 2008, 06:40 AM
Update, we decided to hold off. I fasted and prayed throughout last night and I know in my heart that God has put us together for a reason, and thats to glorify Him with our lives. I have done poorly, but i am not going to give up. I am asking God to soften my heart, and restore what was lost.

Can I just advice on one thing, not a councillor, just my personal opinion.

I also have a high sex drive and my wife a low sex drive. I have never even considered looking out of my marriage for someone to satisfy that need. I got married for better or for worse, That is unconditional Love.

Anyway, being someone in your shoes, but with his wife questioning the realtionship consider this:

You obviously Love your wife, or you would not be considering going back. But you have had a physical relationship with another women, and even though you have moved away from her you still speaking to her (As you said she was happy when she heard about your seperation).

Please consider how this makes your wife feel if she knows about it. Even if your wife wants to work on the marriage, you will never be 100% commited if you are getting advice or speaking to this other women that could be manipulating you for her own wants and needs. You will never be 100% committed if in the back of your mind you are asking yourself what life would be like to be with someone else, only God can show you happiness through his word.

This scripture comes to mind:
Matthew 19.
4"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female, 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

I would suggest cutting all communication with her so that you can focus 100% on your marriage and have no temptation, I know this is easier said than done, but over time it will be easier.

You will be in my preyers. :pray:

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 07:29 AM
You obviously Love your wife, or you would not be considering going back. But you have had a physical relationship with another women, and even though you have moved away from her you still speaking to her (As you said she was happy when she heard about your seperation).



Though it has been somewhat difficult with the emotions that have been there for the other woman, I have not spoken to her in 3 days, dispite her attempts, and I have no desire to now. As the days pass, so does the desire to speak to her.




Please consider how this makes your wife feel if she knows about it. Even if your wife wants to work on the marriage, you will never be 100% commited if you are getting advice or speaking to this other women that could be manipulating you for her own wants and needs. You will never be 100% committed if in the back of your mind you are asking yourself what life would be like to be with someone else, only God can show you happiness through his word.


Its mysterious, the days that pass without me talking to her/boss, the more evident it is that it is not meant to be.



This scripture comes to mind:
Matthew 19.
4"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female, 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

I would suggest cutting all communication with her so that you can focus 100% on your marriage and have no temptation, I know this is easier said than done, but over time it will be easier.

You will be in my preyers. :pray:

I agree and I am in the process of doing so. Thank you, and I have been keeping up with your story, in fact I have prayed for you this evening, for it seems that I was in a similiar situation, very similiar, but i was in the role your wife is in. Hang in there, I am living proof that God can mend this.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 07:37 AM
I also have a high sex drive and my wife a low sex drive.


This is going to be one of my questions for the Lord when I see Him face to face. Men produce about 7mg of testosterone a day, woman about 200mcg a day. Men peak at around 30 years of age (prime) whereas women tend to peak later, so when I am most excited to be with her, she isnt, but as I get old and decreped, she is going to want me?

God is playing a cruel joke :lol:

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 07:41 AM
Oh wow!! I can see the joy jumping of the screen :pp:pp



Okay, it is read.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 07:45 AM
Oh wow!! I can see the joy jumping of the screen :pp:pp



I am the same way, in fact I may need to delete a few things also.

You speak of the root factor, and my wife and believe what it is. I am trying not to break any of the terms of service here, so I will try to stay in line.

When we were courting, I was more founded and convicted about my walk with God. Which in short meant, I didnt think it was beneficial to our walk with God and each other to carry on any further then kissing.

Well, she thought differently but always tried to respect me. As months passed her physical desires for me grew to where she was in a sense pressuring me to take it further and further. This in turn led to three breakups which I believed hurt and scared her. This in turn, she says, may be the reason she acts the way she does :confused.

I was made at God, He told me my marriage would be blessed if we waited, but it just seemed to ruin everything. I am getting past that, slowly but I am.

Joso
May 16th 2008, 07:52 AM
Though it has been somewhat difficult with the emotions that have been there for the other woman, I have not spoken to her in 3 days, dispite her attempts, and I have no desire to now. As the days pass, so does the desire to speak to her.

I am glad you are making the effort, it really does show progress and commitment to your marriage, I am so happy to hear this. Like I said I can imagen what you wife is going through as I am in her shoes. At the same time I understand your point, you are hurt and angry that you are living with someone not meeting your needs, and did a mistake and feel guilty about it. Please know that God has forgiven you, but you need to keep strong and fight the temptation that satan keeps on putting in front of you, there is nothing more that satan likes than to devour God's children and cause them misery.




Its mysterious, the days that pass without me talking to her/boss, the more evident it is that it is not meant to be.

Remember it takes two to tango. You need to be strong and eventually she will realise that you are not interested and she will give up, if you respond it just gives her more motivation to keep on pursuing a relationship with you, and this creates temptation and emotional disorder. You both need to realise that it is not meant to be. God brought you and your wife together, and he would love nothing more than your happiness in this union. Remember you became one with your wife through God's union, I can feel it in myself, without my wifes support, it feels like there is something missing, and I am sure you feel it to.



I agree and I am in the process of doing so. Thank you, and I have been keeping up with your story, in fact I have prayed for you this evening, for it seems that I was in a similiar situation, very similiar, but i was in the role your wife is in. Hang in there, I am living proof that God can mend this.

This is why I thought I would repond to you, I can probably put myself in your wifes shoes and can advice you on her thinking which may help you a bit.

Thank you for your preyers. Your story gives me motivation to keep on fighting for my marriage. My wife is a wonderful and magical person and I hope that she will see the right path to God the way you are finding it, as that is the only answer to true happiness and joy.

Keep on fighting to save your marriage, deep down you know that is the right thing to do. I can only imagen what you going through, and in my opinion, you need to cut the emotional ties to the other women to start the healing process within yourself, your marriage and also getting closer to God.

I will keep on preying for you.

And if you need to chat you more than welcome

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 08:01 AM
I am glad you are making the effort, it really does show progress and commitment to your marriage, I am so happy to hear this. Like I said I can imagen what you wife is going through as I am in her shoes. At the same time I understand your point, you are hurt and angry that you are living with someone not meeting your needs, and did a mistake and feel guilty about it. Please know that God has forgiven you, but you need to keep strong and fight the temptation that satan keeps on putting in front of you, there is nothing more that satan likes than to devour God's children and cause them misery.




It becomes clearer everyday. I look back and just cant believe what has happened and how I couldnt see it.



Remember it takes two to tango. You need to be strong and eventually she will realise that you are not interested and she will give up, if you respond it just gives her more motivation to keep on pursuing a relationship with you, and this creates temptation and emotional disorder. You both need to realise that it is not meant to be. God brought you and your wife together, and he would love nothing more than your happiness. Remember you became one with your wife through God's union, I can feel it in myself, without my wifes support, it feels like there is something missing, and I am sure you feel it to.




This is why I thought I wuld repond to you, I can probably put myself in your wifes shoes and can advice you on her thinking which may help you a bit.

Thank you for your preyers. Your story gives me motivation to keep on fighting for my marriage. My wife is a wonderful and magical person and I hope that she will see the right path to God the way you are finding it, as that is the only answer to true happiness and joy.

Keep on fighting to save your marriage, deep down you know that is the right thing to do. I can only imagen what you going through, and in my opinion, you need to cut the emotional ties to the other women to start the healing process within yourself, your marriage and also getting closer to God.

I will keep on preying for you.

And if you need to chat you more than welcome

Thank you. Tomorrow is family night, so I will be coming over to play with the girls and cook, It is almost like we are starting over. It is a great feeling. I know I have done wrong, and it is going to be a long road, but I am taking it one day at a time.

Joso
May 16th 2008, 08:03 AM
This is going to be one of my questions for the Lord when I see Him face to face. Men produce about 7mg of testosterone a day, woman about 200mcg a day. Men peak at around 30 years of age (prime) whereas women tend to peak later, so when I am most excited to be with her, she isnt, but as I get old and decreped, she is going to want me?

God is playing a cruel joke :lol:

It is part of life :P

But we all have choices on how to deal with it ;), The right and the wrong choice, and we know what is wrong and what is right.

But to be honest, if it is not a deep rooted issue within your wife, it may be that she was unhappy about something in your marriage and this is up to both of you to find out and to fix, but think of the joy if you find the solution :pp

Joso
May 16th 2008, 08:14 AM
I know I have done wrong, and it is going to be a long road, but I am taking it one day at a time.

I guess the worse part for you is dealing with this guilt, but let it go. Make sure you and your wife speak about it, make sure she has no questions left about it. Then move on, let her forgive you as God has.

It will be a long road, but keep God on top of your marriage.

And make sure you comminicate with your wife. I see you are a very emotional person, like me, so do not act out in anger when there is a challenge, slow down a bit, prey about it, let your anger subside and then speak to your wife :)

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 08:15 AM
It is part of life :P

But we all have choices on how to deal with it ;), The right and the wrong choice, and we know what is wrong and what is right.

But to be honest, if it is not a deep rooted issue within your wife, it may be that she was unhappy about something in your marriage and this is up to both of you to find out and to fix, but think of the joy if you find the solution :pp

I think this whole change of events will help her and I tremedously in the area of intamacy. We will see, and if it doesnt, oh well, I have been to the dark side and I am not going back.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 08:17 AM
I guess the worse part for you is dealing with this guilt, but let it go. Make sure you and your wife speak about it, make sure she has no questions left about it. Then move on, let her forgive you as God has.

It will be a long road, but keep God on top of your marriage.

And make sure you comminicate with your wife. I see you are a very emotional person, like me, so do not act out in anger when there is a challenge, slow down a bit, prey about it, let your anger subside and then speak to your wife :)

Good advice, thank you.

h2jo
May 16th 2008, 09:00 AM
Thanks :)

It's ok, don't write any personal details about your wife here, she isn't here to defend herself. Both my husband and I didn't want to do anything before marriage and we were each other accountability partner in away (+ a friend each), but I guess you don't know the future. There is stuff buried deep in all of us and we don't even realize its there until one day it bites us on the bum.

Your thread has really encouraged me to move and restore some areas of my life.

Joso is so right!! Think of the joy when you find the solution.. think about yourself looking back in hindsight at the torture you went through, but looking at the present and knowing you have the most wonderful wife on earth who understands you completely and you understanding her completely! Not many people get that honour in their marriages and a lot of couples would rather not fight for it..

God is still true to his word.. he will bless your marriage ABUNDANTLY.. only if you follow and obey him now.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 09:09 AM
Thanks :)

It's ok, don't write any personal details about your wife here, she isn't here to defend herself. Both my husband and I didn't want to do anything before marriage and we were each other accountability partner in away (+ a friend each), but I guess you don't know the future. There is stuff buried deep in all of us and we don't even realize its there until one day it bites us on the bum.

Your thread has really encouraged me to move and restore some areas of my life.

Joso is so right!! Think of the joy when you find the solution.. think about yourself looking back in hindsight at the torture you went through, but looking at the present and knowing you have the most wonderful wife on earth who understands you completely and you understanding her completely! Not many people get that honour in their marriages and a lot of couples would rather not fight for it..

God is still true to his word.. he will bless your marriage ABUNDANTLY.. only if you follow and obey him now.

Just sitting here reading and working, I get excited about every moment I can work on my marriage, and at the same time I keep thinking of what I have done and a voice tells me that things will surface and destroy us. I know this is either my mind or Satan and a verse pops up; Go forth and sin no more! That in itself is sometimes all I can grab onto. It helps me to realize the past and there is nothing that I can change concerning the actions, but not to dwell on it, just go forth and sin no more.

h2jo
May 16th 2008, 10:17 AM
Satan does not want you to get back together, a happy and full filling marriage refelcts God's love and glory too much and he will do anything to keep you apart!

He wants you and your wife to be misrible and lonely for the rest of your life and he wants your two beautiful little girls to grow up with the wrong perception of love.

Going back to your wife and girls is obeying God, you still might have a long way in front of you, but walking the narrow path is so much better then walking the wide path.

God is protecting you, your wife and girls.. he is already planting that word of truth into your mind "Go forth and sin no more".. Go forth and love your wife and girls with the Lord's love.

Not only will it be a testemony to your family, but it will also be such a blessing to those outside your marriage. Those who have seen you go through this torture, but still willing to commit to your family even if it means more hurt. You and your wife have already been an encouragement to me and I will not forget your story.

Remember.. going back to your wife and sorting it all out will reflect God's love, grace, fogivness, mercy, goodness (and the list goes on forever..). It will be tough facing up to issues, but in the end.. isn't it worth it?

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 10:35 AM
Satan does not want you to get back together, a happy and full filling marriage refelcts God's love and glory too much and he will do anything to keep you apart!

He wants you and your wife to be misrible and lonely for the rest of your life and he wants your two beautiful little girls to grow up with the wrong perception of love.

Going back to your wife and girls is obeying God, you still might have a long way in front of you, but walking the narrow path is so much better then walking the wide path.

God is protecting you, your wife and girls.. he is already planting that word of truth into your mind "Go forth and sin no more".. Go forth and love your wife and girls with the Lord's love.

Not only will it be a testemony to your family, but it will also be such a blessing to those outside your marriage. Those who have seen you go through this torture, but still willing to commit to your family even if it means more hurt. You and your wife have already been an encouragement to me and I will not forget your story.

Remember.. going back to your wife and sorting it all out will reflect God's love, grace, fogivness, mercy, goodness (and the list goes on forever..). It will be tough facing up to issues, but in the end.. isn't it worth it?

I believe it is, thank you for your advice and words of wisdom H2jo.

Joso
May 16th 2008, 11:55 AM
Just sitting here reading and working, I get excited about every moment I can work on my marriage, and at the same time I keep thinking of what I have done and a voice tells me that things will surface and destroy us. I know this is either my mind or Satan and a verse pops up; Go forth and sin no more! That in itself is sometimes all I can grab onto. It helps me to realize the past and there is nothing that I can change concerning the actions, but not to dwell on it, just go forth and sin no more.

I just want to add to this, I believe strongly that when there is doubt in your mind it is satan playing tricks on you. You are feeling guilty of what you have done, this is understandable, but you need to let it go and move past it. You need to forgive yourself for it, it was satan playing games with your mind, do not let him win, you know that he wants you to divorce to displease God, you know he wants you to be unhappy, so why let him win? Remember you cannot change your past, but you surely can change your future, cut communication with your ex boss and work on what you have.

Keep this in mind, print it and paste it on your screen, so when you feel like satan is playing tricks on you, you can read it and get your mind back to God's way and not yours:

The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19 Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I am so exited for you, and remember, keep your mind clear and focus on God's word to bring you happiness :pp

Do not let satan destroy a good thing.

Amazedgrace21
May 16th 2008, 04:36 PM
Dear brother CRNA,

I have been following this thread and I genuinely commend the willingness on your part to seek help to work through your marital problems and to do so for the genuine desire to abide by God's will for you as well as your family.It sounds like your desire is very sincere and the weariness of your soul is being restored here as you allow yourself to be examined by the Holy Spirit's call to take responsibility for some of your own actions here.

I was drawn to these words of yours:


So I asked God again, "Lord, I want to be a great husband to Jodi, and I want my desires to be yours, please give me patience, and maybe her drive will come or please show me how not to put so much pressure on sex" but the truth is, I love sex, not just because I am selfish, but because I feel like it releases frustration, stress, and the ability of Satan to tempt me, and she could do all of this by just becoming one with me. I would go to work (fulltime student, and worked 50+ hrs a week = which was probably one of the problems) and woman at the hospital would come on to me, even patients, patients family members and I always felt attacked with this temptation. I would have my quiet times during my breaks, and I would avoid the other woman who would pursue me, even knowing that I am married. For three years I did this, I allowed God to give me strength, He was my hope, what I was grasping onto.

I finally decided to quit one of my jobs, and go fulltime at my other. As I was training, my boss, a beautiful, intelligent, Christian woman was my preceptor. Right off the back, we had excellent chemistry (working chemistry), I was so excited because I actually enjoyed coming to work. I liked my new boss (just as a friend) and I enjoyed my coworkers as well as working with the doctors hand in hand. Well day in and day out, my boss was precepting me. One day as I was in a case, she came up behind me and touched my arm----I paused---- and to myself, I thought how nice it was just to have a woman touch me, the sweet, kind gesture of having another human, a womanís touch. My wife had not done that in I donít know how long. She thought that any physical interaction would lead to sex, so she tried to avoid it. But when my boss did, that one time, I committed emotional adultery, I thought in my head how special it was, even though it was just a touch.


They suggest some deep roots here in regard to area's that perhaps if you do some work on them with some individual counseling along side of Pastorial counseling for your marraige with your wife..you may gain some very needed insights into these roots of your own along side of your wife's regarding the role of sex in terms of a form of intimacy in a relationship.To be very honest it sounds like you may have some things half right in terms of your expectations of your wife to meet certain needs and other things half wrong in terms of how you chose to turn to God to meet other needs here.

It almost sounds as if for you personally,sexual intimacy is a form of a perceived performance related demonstration of love, to the extent of having become somewhat unbalanced understanding of biblical love as well as a prefered vehicle to relieve stress, in terms of its function that may suggest some addiction issues in so far there is such a profound need on your part to "feel love" and the priority you put upon this being expressed primarily through physical intimacy.

It's this need and the depth of it that concerns me for you, that it is present and one that is a very legitimate one and where you are perhaps turning to the wrong places to have it met. This is no different for men thanit is for women when it is present but both genders often fail to realize that others can not meet whatonly God can when it comes to such things.:hug:

What I mean is that you have a history from quite a young age here where sexual purity denoted something quite deeply ingrained into your perceptions of what marraige is for.. as you relate it to "love"...it also sounds like you worked your rear end off attempting to conform to a very legalistic standard of what constitutes "perfection" that you arrived at when it comes to finding happiness in a marital relationship. How these things work together from God's perspective and desire to do so for you as well as your wife and family.

That somehow misses the very elements of God's standards in terms of the really very fulfilling reasons He has set apart such high standards for you..in other words..you are missing the rewarding, fulfilment of abiding by them and have turned them into a system of how you grade yourself and others. A system thatis vulnerable to a lot of vey subjective feelings about sex, about love, about aproval, acceptance, respect, self respect, affection and acceptance.

I would also suggest you have some very naive, if not distorted medical understanding's about how your wife's body works as well as your own body functions under stress and the impact of using outlets such as "the gym" to release sexual tension, such things actually elevate it and how much "libido" has many compent's involved of which "hormones" of either gender can not bear the burden for explaining when it comes to such things as how love works.

In otherwords my friend..you have some pretty "self" centered rules about the way such things work..and by 'self', I am not speaking to the selfishness alone or directing it as a judgement towards you here...

but perhaps the absence of a more mature and scripturally God centered understanding of what makes a man, what constitutes love, and a marraige that needs some serious re-education here under these circumstances and less blaming Satan,sex or hormones, yours or your wife's whenit comes to the purpose of marraige as well as the role love relates to it, how much sex has a role in ones "happiness"in respect to the demands that is put upon it to provide happiness by both genders.

Having a healthy libido is indeed "healthy" so long as it finds a constructive and loving role in terms of ones relationship that noth partners can always pursue to improve upon if one or the other is finding themselves with a need only the other spouse can provide.

But if the "need" and the role of the need is scripturally out of balance, as it seems it apparently was in your case. it can expose roots of wounds and needs that have absolutely nothing to do with "sex" at all...and very consistently one only has to turn to scripture to see how sex becomes the vehicle for these issues to become strongholds for sin to enter into our lives. David didn't get into all that trouble with Bathsheeba when it came to his first sin...and apparently he was 'blessed' with a pretty healthy sex drive as well considering how many wives he had.

The real issue was not when he set his eyes upon another woman but when he took his eyes off of God..and rationalized the dangers and harm of this with "excuses"..everything snowballed from there..and contrary to the popular position many will council that Satan played a greater roll in this than I personally will agree with, IMHO..

I suggest to you that you need to allow and trust God to breakyou down a great deal more here to get the full picture of your choices as the culprits they are in terms of these offenses against God. with some comfort and assurance this is a very good thing when God does this.


To do so with as much considertion, healthy guilt and remorse to understand the transforming power of temptation when it is God you turn to to deal with it,becasue He is indeed using it to heal those wounds that were at the root what tempted you to seek another woman and allow yourself to get this relationship all distorted into convincing yourself of the "goodness" of it

This had to to do with your tendencies that God permitted to be exposed about the desires you stopped carrying for your wife and began carrying you about 'sex'...you allowed this to dominate you..just as David did.

Real forgiveness is for real wounds, that really occured..and with respect to God's forgiveness, your sin's, not your wives are the ones you need to allow be found, acknowledged, confessed, repented with God and then healed by God..and trust me here this is where you begin with a desire of love but it must end with a decision to chose love.

God's love allowed the debt you owed Him to be forgiven and let go, yet somewhere in your mind, the love God commanded you to give your wife regardless of her ability or choice to meet it by 'standards' you set for her came along my friend.David had "stess"..David had 'duties'..David had marraige problems as well as work ones..but ultimately where he turned to find help for them determined how well they got "sorted out".

Your sex drive became your excuse to allow not see this..just as it allowed you to perceive the actions of this other woman as "love" and went so far as to spiritualize it as Christian in terms of the degree it met your definition of "good enough for you"..independency, self sufficiency, choices not only apart from God's desire for you to abide by but in the face of implicit temptation you yeilded to in your spirit and relatinship with God,

Like David in the case with Bathsheba, this occured long before the one with your wife or the woman you entered into adultery with..For the record my friend.."Good Christian" women do not seek out married men, and love is never involved when it comes to their motives for doing so..

That's a missing component here that is being avoided here as one of the roots of what got you into this mess ..and one I prayerfully ask you to consider as you examine what got you here so you will have the new begining in your marraige and relationship with God that you desire.

The point here being is you can hold onto a lot of misinformed ideas about yourself and God, or you can take some of that pent up energy you have directed to your gym and sexual proclivities, the 'self' in your perspective and what it was centered around and focus it upon this relationship.

If you get this one in order, you may well see the one with your wife also come around as successfully and with a much deeper sense of satisfaction, reward, and pleasure.

This is what God desires for you and with you..He always did..the very fact that it had not become manifiested at that level in the first place is the huge red flag as a Christian man you might want to focus upon that eventually manifested itself in the one with your wife here as it applies to your love of sex, as a component of "love" and what it represents to both of you respectively as well as respectfully.

It is my deepest prayer along with the others who have posted here, that this is the journey you have recognized needs to be taken from this point forward, and that God wil bless you, keep you and protect you as you embark upon it with your wife and family.:hug:

turtledove
May 16th 2008, 05:26 PM
Wise, thank you, thank you for keeping this thread open and thank you for speaking with me. I was angry when I came here, but God is doing a work in me, I know it.

My wife and I had lunch today and it went very well. I am not staying at the house, my choice, until God has ironed somethings out in my life, the last thing I want to do is fail. We plan to have "family night" friday, with our little girls.

CR...This is good news and an answer to prayers for you and her. :pray: Have a great time at your 'family night.' tonight!

Just call me owl..as I really am continually praying for wisdom! So not exactly wise as my user name may imply. :spin: the "old" part does apply..but young in heart!

owl

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 07:08 PM
I just want to add to this, I believe strongly that when there is doubt in your mind it is satan playing tricks on you. You are feeling guilty of what you have done, this is understandable, but you need to let it go and move past it. You need to forgive yourself for it, it was satan playing games with your mind, do not let him win, you know that he wants you to divorce to displease God, you know he wants you to be unhappy, so why let him win? Remember you cannot change your past, but you surely can change your future, cut communication with your ex boss and work on what you have.

Keep this in mind, print it and paste it on your screen, so when you feel like satan is playing tricks on you, you can read it and get your mind back to God's way and not yours:

The Armor of God

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19 Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I am so exited for you, and remember, keep your mind clear and focus on God's word to bring you happiness :pp

Do not let satan destroy a good thing.

Taking my girls to school this morning, I turned off the music in the vehicle and I put on the full armor of God for both me and the girls, that was before reading this. Doesnt the Spirit of God show how we are all one in the same :hug:.

Thank you so much Joso, you are truly a gift from God.

CRNA
May 16th 2008, 07:18 PM
AmazedGrace,

I just finished reading your post, :cry:, and I agree, with everything. I have to go now, but I want to reply later. That was truly an eye opener.

kasanm
May 16th 2008, 11:18 PM
Bless you CRNA! :hug:

I'll be praying for you and your family. :pray:

turtledove
May 18th 2008, 12:51 AM
CRNA,

Here's the thing about fault... usually it is some of both. That is almost a rule that always applies regardless of how either side wants to see it.

I don't know what to tell you about why your wife has a problem with intamacy. Could be quite a number of things. But man... honestly... if there is a problem deeply rooted with her in that regard (likely is) then if you really do love her that is going to require a lot more patience than a lot of men have... but then I would say if you really do love her then you can hang.

I hear you about the gym but as should be apparent... the gym is not going to work out the sort of tension that you have. Your options, as you stated, are to fall into temptation or simply put those urges and needs down until you can get this fixed.

Now... sounds like you two are fixing to go on and get the divorce... and that would be a shame. But it is going to take swallowing a lot of pride and testosterone for you to get it fixed now. If you are willing to do that and you want to talk further then here for you. If you are just going to quit and call it good... then let us know and we'll just close this thread and you can go on with life trying to justify it in your mind.

CRNA, if you wish, let me know, because ProjectPeter, who posted the above to you and who is our administrator, would be willing to work with you here on the forum in a more private setting not in this section and not on this particular thread. We will be closing this thread soon. Please let me know by answering this post and I'll let him know and he will set it up for the two of you. I think talking this out with ProjectPeter one on one in our resolution section would be helpful. You would have privacy there as that is not a public thread and he is willing to do this with you and for you.

Please ANSWER ME HERE and I will let him know. He is waiting to hear from me on this.

And I am going to keep repeating that although it is looking better for you ...I see future marriage counseling with both of you going not as a option but as a must. You probably need to look for a different counselor.

Prayed for you last night hoping that family night was good.

Get back to me here before you post to others. Okay?

Thanks and God bless. :pray:

wiseoldowl ...facilitator CR.

CRNA
May 18th 2008, 02:41 AM
CRNA, if you wish, let me know, because ProjectPeter, who posted the above to you and who is our administrator, would be willing to work with you here on the forum in a more private setting not in this section and not on this particular thread. We will be closing this thread soon. Please let me know by answering this post and I'll let him know and he will set it up for the two of you. I think talking this out with ProjectPeter one on one in our resolution section would be helpful. You would have privacy there as that is not a public thread and he is willing to do this with you and for you.

Please ANSWER ME HERE and I will let him know. He is waiting to hear from me on this.

And I am going to keep repeating that although it is looking better for you ...I see future marriage counseling with both of you going not as a option but as a must. You probably need to look for a different counselor.

Prayed for you last night hoping that family night was good.

Get back to me here before you post to others. Okay?

Thanks and God bless. :pray:

wiseoldowl ...facilitator CR.

That would be great Wiseoldowl, please inform ProjectPeter that I would more then willing to meet with him.

As for family night, :hug:, went very well. Thank you God :).

Diggindeeper
May 18th 2008, 02:50 AM
CRNA, I haven't yet posted, but I have been reading and keeping up with all of this. I just bet a lot of people have done the exact same thing...been reading, but not posting. The main reason I have not posted is because this all brings back deep hurts for me. Pain so bad that I literally hate going back to those times, when our marriage and our home was beyond repair. Oh Dear Lord, the heartache is still there, when I think back.

I have been the "wife". My husband was on the prowl, and even though I was trying with everything in me, to him, I was not enough. And, this will seem harsh, I'm sure, but you are the one who has been on the prowl. This is even harsher, but its the only way I can describe it...dogs go on the prowl.

I know all the things that my husband was saying back then...he told me later, after the Lord dealt with both me and him. Even if he'd been married to the beautiful Princess Diana, he would have still gone on the prowl.

Let me tell you, friend, no marriage can make it with one person going one way and the mate the other! In marriage, the two of you WALK TOGETHER. That is God's plan, and always has been.

I sincerely wish your wife could post her side here. I really do! Hey, I've been in her shoes. I guess the biggest difference was that I'd go to sleep in bed with my husband, only to wake up in the wee hours of the morning and find him gone. Gone to some other woman.

One more thing. That boss of yours is not what I consider a "beautiful Christian woman." She is so sleazy, that she chases after a man who is already married. Nothing Christian in that, my friend! But don't just walk away from her. No! RUN AWAY from her, as fast as you can!

My husband, too, after he wanted to come back home, started taking me and my 3 children on "dates", too. He never did that before. He was too busy chasing low-down women. We never did things together as a family. He was too busy doing what HE wanted to do.

Want to really save your marriage?

Then stop demanding sex day and night. Consider her feelings. Consider what she's doing (that must be done, I bet) when an urge hits you. Take your family places. Do things together. But above all, I suggest you fall on your knees and repent. I would be the last, probably, to tell you to just "put this all behind you." Instead, repent and be the kind of man that God wants you to be...the protector, the provider, and the priest of your home!

Get your family in church, together!

Read a Bible story each night with that wife and those children!

Grab her hand and pray for those children! Thank God for giving you that family! AND THAT WIFE! You knew without a doubt that she was not going to go on the prowl while you were gone, didn't you? Oh my...how blessed you are! There have been heartbroken men right here on this board whose wives HAVE gone on the prowl, and left them so they could go on dating.

If you devote the time to being a Godly man, and not to "I want" and "my needs" and determine to be the most godly husband and father on the face of the earth, my friend, you will not have time for other women! And you will see your wife's love grow, and you will see the admiration she has for you, and for the man you have become.

One thing I have learned is that God's love is often called charity in the Bible. Do you know why? Because his love is ALWAYS a benevolent, giving love! Not a demanding and taking love.

I love this verse in John 1:6
"There was a man sent from God, whose name was John."

There is nothing more special to a lady than a man sent by God! The Lord had a lot of things to work on in both me and my husband, let me tell you! But I am so VERY blessed, because its like I have a different husband than the one back then! Thank you, Lord Jesus. Praise your name, Lord! Now my husband is A MAN SENT BY GOD, and I, of all women, am so very blessed to belong to him!

CRNA, I admire my husband so much, and have the utmost respect for him now. Things are so, SO different! Ever since he started being the man God wanted him to be...Oh my goodness....I am still in awe when he says, "We need to pray for so-and-so," and he takes my hand and starts praying! My children are grown now, and I see them patterning after their Dad, and the man he is now, and being Godly parents to their own children!


I'm reminded of what God said about Abraham.
Genesis 18:19
For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.

What a testimony for Abraham! God KNEW him, and that he would teach his children the righteous ways of God!

Let me finish by saying that I can testify to this verse, that it is absolutely the TRUTH! Me and my husband are living, breathing examples that this verse is SO true:

Psalm 127:1
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it:

Sir, you are not a dog. You are a married man with, I believe, a wife whose heart may have been broken just like mine was. God has given you a family...children! How blessed you are, if you can only see that. Your wife is a forgiving woman, you said. You should thank God daily that she is a forgiving wife, in spite of her heartache.

And I assure you. Even if you did not tell her, she knew you were on the prowl. I knew before he told me. And it would have been easier if he had just stuck a long dull knife in my my heart! It would not have hurt as bad.... What a fortunate man you are, that God is putting your broken marriage back together!

Well, I'll hush now.....I feel like the board meanie....:cry:

turtledove
May 18th 2008, 03:09 AM
That would be great Wiseoldowl, please inform ProjectPeter that I would more then willing to meet with him.

As for family night, :hug:, went very well. Thank you God :).

Okay, CRNA, I'll let him know. He told me earlier tonight that it will most likely be on Monday. Meanwhile, we'll leave this thread open a while longer.

Diggendeeper, one of our moderators, has just given you her story and heartfelt reply. There may be others.

owl.

Amazedgrace21
May 18th 2008, 03:44 PM
This forum and its purpose brings a lot of lifes most complicated and heartbreaking circumstances to light when most folks post here CRNA..folks come because they are in pain, at best we, who respond can offer our own experiences from walking with God in these matters and the infinate wisdom of the Word of God whenit is embraced while we do.:hug:

Some becasue they have been deeply convicted of their own actions regarding how they have impacted others or themselves in terms of the consequences of sins..the bill has arrived and the reality has with it of their choices..for some it isbecasue they are at the receiving end of anothers actions that has had shattered their hope and left wounds that will always have scars long after the wound heals..painful reminders as Diggendeeper has shared with you.

I am someone, who like her, as a wife, still carry those scars for similar reasons, as do my children.Yet I am also deeply convicted by the ones others carry..and in my case, to this day for my ex huxband in terms of seeing this from a Christians biblcal perspective of what was at stake for him..when he went the opposite direction of Diggendeeper's husband..

and one thing he did this for, at the time was to continue in his denial that he he was doing this 'for love'..of a "good Christian woman" when it came to his excuse for much.He recognized and admitted his sins, what he did not do is repent of them, God simply exposed this to him and that it had been ignored all along.

I have tried to share with you in an earlier poset CRNA, the reasons, the real problems why folks do some incredibly tragic things when it comes to marraiges that end up causing so much harm, hurt and devestation to themselves or others is very often a seperate casue than how it is eventually acted out with trating the symptoms..and the spiritual truths are never learned as the lessons they so greatly need to be for the veeryones who need them to be.

That was my warning here and it continues to be..as you indicated you had attempted counseling in the past and obviously it did not resulting a change of heart on your part brother

Just a change in circumstances that in some way, has reinforced your notion you were the "victim" here for which your rights had been violated, "over sex" in respect to the amount and for the purpose you concluded were entitled to you as a Christian husband..and furthermore in some way justified becasue they were found in what you called a loving relationship with a 'good, Christian woman' in an act of adultery.

That things came to a head and in the throes of a fight with anger, if I understood correctly you revealed this to your wife to "blame her" for making you have to resort to this, thenisued her an ultimatum that if she did not meet the standards of being as "good" as this other woman in terms of providing for all of your "need"s..and to do so with as much fervence and devotion..this was her fault as well and then told her to chose to do this or it meant you should leave..because she was "rejecting you"..

Again, there is much more to what was going on in your mind and heart there CRNA that you shared that clearly was enough info about yourself that does indeed need to be attended to without even having to speculate about this from your wife's own sharing of her side..

the very fact that you had and may still have tour own self-perception of much so deeply out of balance is again the red-flag here that it is "understood" you do indeed continue to have many other things out of balance.

The cat was out of the bag..in terms of time in a very short and brief period where feelings were driving you over much and brought you here and as you said in anger, hurt and in the "blame game" mode, still wrestling with how all of this could be fixed, if God changed your wife for you.

Also that you acknowledged you are aware that this is not apropriate to some degree.and have conceeded this..and so its now all about reconciling..and forgetting all of this as soon as possible..to get it out of the way and get on to the noneymoon phase with either your wife or theother woman with as little trauma to your daughters as possible..whenin fact CRNA..I think that you have understated that this is really about doing all of this "for you" opposed to anoterd well being..you just want things "fixed"..


One thing I can assure you is that if your wife has been receptive to reconcilliation , it is not because you deserve it..but in spite of the fact you do..and if she is indeed a Christian wife, her desires to do so to honor her responsibilites to you as a husband are profoundly in line with God's requests of her, along side of many other factors, her love of you albeit deeply betrayed by you over "sex", your appetite for it, your purpose for it, your manner of getting this met both inside and out of the marraige based upon what you, not God has established sex for as it comes to marraige and the form of intimacy as well as communication and role betwen a husband and a wife.

If you do not get "this problem" addressed CRNA, you have little or no chance of the other ones being brought forward and allowed to be healed by God..and no matter how hard you attempt to avoid it, someone is going to be hurt more and worse yet again becasue all you are doing here is the same thing, just differently so to speak "IF, you take this route.

We may not see theoutcome of this reflected here inthis thread as time goes on, but in real life, and in your journey as a Christian man, husband, father and as a soul, CRNA, you will.and every life that is touched by yours will as well, they will either bear the rewards of your choice to pursue God's will for you and to what extent you submitted every aspect of it to Him whenit came to your marraige, as Diggendeeper has attempted to share and explain..or as I have, and many spouses (both men and women) and our children for generations to come.

It's vital for eveyone's sake you don't rush into things, dismiss the gravity of them or attempt to do the work of repentence that is required to gain the very real remorse that nears being brought to all of this so God can use it to help you and your family to heal properly and with the new and fresh begining that is needed to do so with God as the head of your life as well as withing your walk with your wife that can be so blessed if taken together as "one"..

Your may have deeply contributed to damaging your wifes self esteem and brought forward her worst fears CRNA, that she is rushing into this from the wrong position in terms of her own wounds needing to be healed by God..as much as for the same motives you may have, to just "get it over with" and forgotten.., behind you..but if those wounds are not healed, by God, and in His ways, with His ways here..the scars may not get healed either and the wounds will still be festering.

That is why you do need to pursue counseling with a very sound scripturally perspectives included in the process that seeks out the answers for your needs as well as your wifes and your marraige.Nor must this be confused with not being a need inyour case, you clearly need a mature, sound ac****ibility partner or facilitator that wil help you with much of this..now that perhaps you are just begining to recognize and be convicted about the sins that you must reconcile with God that you alone are responsible for, regardles of what you currently perceive are your wife's for .

You mentioned you place fault with her for allowing you to be tempted and failing by not meeting your needs..am sorry for the bluntness here if it casues you discomfort CRNA, but that is so untrue..and this concerns me for you..for your sake as well as the extent I care for your marraige to be healed as your sister in Christ...its why I responded...why I was led to..

wanting is not "needing" in terms of what you shared you perceive sexual intimacy for..it is not a prescription for those things..it is agift of expression and if you used your wife to be a remedy, I assure you, she distinguished the difference and her response would have been very understandable, justified in respect to if you actually said to her what you shared here..

It is Christ and the Body of Christ, that God already gave you to meet those needs with a great deal you have greatly confused with your own, your own wife's and another woman you commited adultery with.

If you have not been told this yet, you need to seek out a Pastor who will guide you through your misundertandins, immaturity, ignorance of yourself and God ..if you have been told this and have been avoiding it, my prayers are that you come to see the price you will pay and others will also suffer in the collateral damage of this unless you do.


Once you make your choice CRNA, your choice will make you..so chose wisely and allow God to bring you through this journey and genuinely seek to be turned around, do turn around and run to Him..that is what real remorse and repentence is..and whenits authentic, God is always there with open arms "for you"..

that is the measure of His love for you, and the one He commanded you as a husband to give your wife.that you will have to come to recognize was missing "in you" and why you missed it from her as is being shared here with you by wives who have been in the shoes your choices have put yourself , your children, your marraige, your relationship with both God and your wife in.

That is the same message being given from you by everyone here no matter their gender becasu it is the biblical truth and reality here..so it makes no difference who is sharing it, but it would be wise for you to accept Project Peter's gracious offer as he has been around for a long time and is very wise when knowing how to share this from a husband's and man's perspective that may resound better with you as a Christian brother who is very commited to the scriptural blessings God desires to profit you with and to see your marraige restored.:hug:

turtledove
May 19th 2008, 04:38 PM
We are closing this thread as the poster has been invited to post in Chat to Moderators for continued counsel.

wiseoldowl ... CR facilitator.