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View Full Version : Need Advice: i dont know what to do



Aimwell
Nov 2nd 2008, 04:15 PM
My name is stephen, and the thing that's been bothering me, is my relationship life. Its just my personality to be the guy that will put others before himself, despite what will happen to myself. I need someone to look out for me.

There is this girl that i've known for about two years. She dated one of my best friends since i've known her. Now, he broke up with her to go out with this girl that's known for being bad in almost every sense of the word. Now, courtney (the girl i like), is upset over this whole situation. Here's the kicker, me and courtney have just the right amount things in common compared to the differences to have what i would think to be a very successful relationship. We connect on a mindset that is seemingly uncanny, a kind that I've never experienced before. No matter what has happened, I've always been there for her, always listened to her when she was upset, typical things that girls say that they want in a guy. Its just the simple fact that she's still upset. I can't sit back and keep helping her through this situation with this on my chest, but I'm almost 100% positive that if I tell her, she will still be upset over Mason (the guy that broke up with her) and say that she still loves him. What do I do?

Athanasius
Nov 2nd 2008, 04:48 PM
Well you said you cared for her, right? Then here's the thing: what's best for her?

Aimwell
Nov 2nd 2008, 07:51 PM
i would say someone to care for her, someone to always be there.

Athanasius
Nov 2nd 2008, 08:05 PM
i would say someone to care for her, someone to always be there.

Then the next question is: what form does that someone take?

Aimwell
Nov 2nd 2008, 08:16 PM
Well, if I ever needed help in a situation, I would accept help from anyone that cared enough to offer it. In her case, I think is the same way. Now this is where I come into play. I could keep helping her like a purely platonic friend, or I could get this burden off my chest by telling her how I feel. However, if I choose the latter route, with her still upset from the break-up, I would end up getting the "Best Friend" bit. How she feels that I'm one of her best friends and doesn't want to possibly damage our current relationship.

Athanasius
Nov 2nd 2008, 08:25 PM
Well, if I ever needed help in a situation, I would accept help from anyone that cared enough to offer it. In her case, I think is the same way. Now this is where I come into play. I could keep helping her like a purely platonic friend, or I could get this burden off my chest by telling her how I feel. However, if I choose the latter route, with her still upset from the break-up, I would end up getting the "Best Friend" bit. How she feels that I'm one of her best friends and doesn't want to possibly damage our current relationship.

If you ever needed help in this sort of situation - you broke up with whomever. Would you want help from a friend, or from a friend who just told you how they felt about you? I don't know but with the latter, I'd feel a little uncomfortable... Actually, I'd wonder why they couldn't appreciate my situation and had to get their needs off their chest.

Aimwell
Nov 2nd 2008, 08:49 PM
I understand that this time is for her, and if I chose option 2, it would be incredibly selfish. That is why I'm not going to do that. As mentioned in the first post, I always put people before myself. It just gets difficult because the more I help her and the more we hang out and spend time together, the closer we become and the greater my feelings become.

This doesn't happen though only due to the fact that we spend more time together. It is also the fact that she is the only person that knows me, that actually knows who I am as a person. Whenever she needed help, I helped her. Likewise, she helped me. All of my life, I've helped people. She's the only one that's helped me ever on a serious level.

In the same respect, do you think that I appreciate that all of a sudden, her problems overpass the multiple problems that I've had over the course of helping other people.

The only true problem I can see, is my disability to help myself.

*Hope*
Nov 3rd 2008, 12:06 AM
This may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds like you're someone she relies on as a friend, but that she's probably not attracted to. You like her, you feel connected to her and it seems you're wanting something more. However, the only thing on her mind right now is Mason. That's not to say that she might get over him at some point and consider having something with you, but at this point it sounds like she just needs a friend. If it turns out to be more, that's great. But....brace yourself to accept the fact that she just might not see you that way. She might consider you to be more like a brother than a potential boyfriend. If you truly care about her, just be there for her and see what happens from there. You definitely do not want to be the rebound guy though.

Aimwell
Nov 3rd 2008, 12:36 AM
truthfully, that isn't what i wanted to hear, as im trying to force myself to stick up for what i want and need. Its natural habit for me to help (and in no way is that a bad thing). but i agree that this time in history about her, and i will be her friend, a friend that will be there no matter what. But i think those feelings will still be there......courtney and myself have a on going thing about a burning building....i was telling her that she needed to give a situation time, and she said that she wants to throw time into a burning building....i guess i should take my own advice huh?

Revinius
Nov 4th 2008, 03:24 PM
I am like you mate. I am 'the friend' and one thing that seems consistent is that 'the friend' rarely becomes the 'boyfriend' - something to do with the psychology of women or something (no offense to any women).

If you are interested in someone the safe bet is to come right out and ask her on a date. As for this girl your talking of, just be 'the friend' and if she wants to take it further you will prolly get the hint. But that won't happen for a long time if at all. ;)

God Bless

Aimwell
Nov 5th 2008, 12:51 PM
very true, very true. last night, when i went home from college to vote, i stopped by subway (where she works) i think that for a while she's kinda over her ex....to an extent (two years isn't just something that you can forget). Maybe one day she'll see

GitRDunn
Nov 6th 2008, 12:04 AM
My name is stephen, and the thing that's been bothering me, is my relationship life. Its just my personality to be the guy that will put others before himself, despite what will happen to myself. I need someone to look out for me.

There is this girl that i've known for about two years. She dated one of my best friends since i've known her. Now, he broke up with her to go out with this girl that's known for being bad in almost every sense of the word. Now, courtney (the girl i like), is upset over this whole situation. Here's the kicker, me and courtney have just the right amount things in common compared to the differences to have what i would think to be a very successful relationship. We connect on a mindset that is seemingly uncanny, a kind that I've never experienced before. No matter what has happened, I've always been there for her, always listened to her when she was upset, typical things that girls say that they want in a guy. Its just the simple fact that she's still upset. I can't sit back and keep helping her through this situation with this on my chest, but I'm almost 100% positive that if I tell her, she will still be upset over Mason (the guy that broke up with her) and say that she still loves him. What do I do?
This sounds very similar to a situation that I had last year and I think the best thing you can do is to give her time right now and gauge how much she is over your other friend. Once it seems she is, you need to reveal your feelings to her so that there isn't always that doubt in you and so that if she wants something more you guys can move into it or if she doesn't you guys can move beyond it. Either way, the key is gauging when to bring it up with her, but you just have to think about it, pray to God about it, and perhaps consult another close friend of her's. Good luck and I hope it turns out well for you.

EaglesWINGS911
Nov 17th 2008, 02:01 AM
From someone who has just come out of a breakup (myself),...she may need some time to overcome the pain of that.

Aimwell
Nov 24th 2008, 01:06 PM
after some time of deep thought and deliberating, I realize that all I'm looking for is someone to love.

Revinius
Nov 24th 2008, 03:08 PM
after some time of deep thought and deliberating, I realize that all I'm looking for is someone to love.

And Jesus fulfills that quota. You will find once you are satisfied with Him, the rest will work itself out.

Aimwell
Nov 24th 2008, 10:52 PM
yeh, i guess thats what it is. i havent been "out of church" but ive been busy with college. until last week, i hadnt been home in about a month. it bites, i know. i dont really like college. it drains to much time

Revinius
Nov 24th 2008, 11:38 PM
I'm at university too. But i think it's a crap excuse (and i make it too) to simply tell God 'i don't have enough time for you'. Let's think about that prospect for a second: Telling the ultimate being of the universe, who died so that i might live, that 'i don't have time for Him'. :eek: :confused

We are supposed to give our first fruits of every day to Him. That means we need to get up early in the morning, and be with Him (prayer and Bible reading, sermon listening etc). And that is epic hard for someone like me, but the alternative is so weak compared to what He did that i don't think it is a considerable option.

Aimwell
Nov 25th 2008, 06:36 AM
yeh, i havent been doing my best, but ya know there is no place like home.
God has told me that many people will want me to play keyboard for them, but that i dont need to do that, that i need to stay home, because one day our keyboardist will not be there anymore. my keyboard talents are "good" i say that only because thats what ppl say (im very critical of myself on that aspect of my life) i jus dont see it....kinda fretting taking over for him next year when he leaves
i'll tell you one thing tho, last thursday. i had to get my truck fixed and i had to go halfway home to our family mechanic. then i thought, hey im hafway here, and were having church tonight. that was a good thought! i went home, and went to church, broke down before God and got my spirit renewed!
Yeh, my life is very weird rite now, lol. it seems everyday i have a new thing

Back2Front
Nov 25th 2008, 07:48 AM
I'm gonna jump in here and give ya my take. Hopefully you'll take what ya need and toss the rest.

As a guy, I always had a hard time identifying with other men in my teens and 20's. The flip side of that though was that I could relate easily with women. I had lots of girls who were friends.

For me, women were easy to talk to because I liked to talk. But not just random junk, I liked to discuss issues about life. Feelings about God, philosophy, politics.... Didn't know a whole lot of fellas who were interested in those kind of conversations in the way I wanted to have them. Meaning that the conversations included deep feelings.

So, I moved around a lot in my 20's. As a result I made new girl friends and had to loose old ones. The ones I lost were lost just out of convenience and location changes. It was never personal, it was just hard to keep in touch and they just faded as I made new friends.

But what was weird, and something I didn't understand at first, was of the ones that I left behind, one or two would profess their love to me before I left, or would track me down and tell me. the 5 or six times it happened to me I was shocked. I had no idea they felt this way when we were friends. Needless to say I didn't see them in a romantic way and it made for some uncomfortable circumstances and conversations. The friendships were broke off in a hurtful but necessary way.

What I didn't realize is that I was leading some of them on. I didn't have the maturity to even consider it. So suddenly I became afraid of women because I didn't know how to not open up, and I didn't know which ones would like me other than friends. What really was a bummer is that about the same time I started to consider taking on a wife.

So I'll cut to the chase. I confronted some of the male role models in my life for their advise. In the sessions of advisement, one said,"If you love something let it go, if it returns to you you may have something real". That made total sense to me as I realized that that is what happened with those who surprised me with their professions of love. I let them go unwittingly, not out of love or anything, it just worked out that way. And the ones that maybe I could have had something with were the ones returning.

What was weirder, Is I began to consider those and saw that they would have actually made pretty good wives. But the possibility of choosing one of those or going back to them would have just not worked as you can imagine.

So here was the plot. Instead of looking for girls who were friends, I looked for suitable wives. I would start with a friendship with one that I was attracted to, and I would let her go. This usually meant moving on to the next friend after a few months. The first one that returned would be the one. I went through 3 friends. The fourth became my wife. As I was courting the fifth, my now wife, who saw me out with the fifth one night, called me up and asked where I had been? I told her I have been just hanging out with friends. She replied with, "maybe if we hung out more we might find that we could be more than friends." I agreed, and we did. We have been married for just over 8 years now and have 4 beautiful Children.

angel_fire
Nov 25th 2008, 08:21 AM
Chemistry and Attraction play apart. A man has to roar like a lion, yet be gentle as a kitten.
You have to pull the ruggedness out, kinda unexpected mystery side out in yourself. If you truly want someone to love, we know love is more than just attraction and Chemistry. Its painful, and its work most of the time. Love is beautiful, love is hard. That is why you must put on your hunting outfit to find it.
The man has to come out of the boy, and men are tough, make decisions, and open the door. You are a hunter, she needs to see this side of you.
When you catch your prey, then you become who you truly are, a strong loving man.
Don't be afraid to not like something, or change your mind, or do something on the spur of the moment. Out of the norm, surprise with mystery, strength, love and compassion. Vacuum the floors then go Bungee Jumping.
She will say, this dude is crazy, but I love him!!!!

Are you truly ready for love?? Some women can tell if a man is ready for love. Love is a manly and womanly thing, you have to be a man to get it.

Do you want a pal or a lover? You have to put on your hunting artillery.

Aimwell
Nov 25th 2008, 01:29 PM
truly, i dont know what i want. part of me knows that im prolly still to young (18) to be thinking about that kinda stuff (marriage).but in the same respect, i want to get this college thing done and do quote/unquote adult things. work, have a family, love, live. my professor for trombone lessons put it in a good way (about my trombone playing, not life) Mentally, im way ahead of others, i can think about doing things that others my age could never, and i could probably do them. but physically, im behind. so i have my mind fighting with reality on a constant basis...."grow up now vs. play by the rules of well...everything"