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liefm
Nov 3rd 2008, 09:59 PM
Hi all,

I'm 23 yrs old, I have never have had a girlfriend (not that's a bad thing :)).
Here is the situation:
Next year (God willing), Fall 2009, I'll be going to school in Alberta, I'm in BC right now.
There's a girl that I'm interested in, she goes to the same Church as me (Lutheran) here in BC. She is younger than I (about 3-5 yrs).
I'm pretty sure that she is interested in me as well. However, the problem is that hopefully I'll be out of the province in less than a year!
I want to protect my sister in Christ. I was thinking of talking with her mom after the service (I go to the 1st, they go to the 2nd service) alone. And inform her that I'm interested in her daughter, if I could talk to both of them (E's parents), and also to get the father's permission; and see what's best for E, either that she and I can get to know each other better (with marriage in mind) or not. I don't see her father in the church, only once, at the Christmas service, that's why I'd ask E's mom instead of her dad at the end of the service. Also I'd request that our conversation should be kept between the us (E's Parents and I), just in case I don't get the father's permission, I don't want to create a hindrance between E and her parents.

There's a mens group that meet up once every month, I'm also going to ask my brothers for some godly council regarding this matter. But since i found this forum, I thought I'll ask for some godly advice here as well.

Thanks in advance!

GitRDunn
Nov 3rd 2008, 10:09 PM
Hi all,

I'm 23 yrs old, I have never have had a girlfriend (not that's a bad thing :)).
Here is the situation:
Next year (God willing), Fall 2009, I'll be going to school in Alberta, I'm in BC right now.
There's a girl that I'm interested in, she goes to the same Church as me (Lutheran) here in BC. She is younger than I (about 3-5 yrs).
I'm pretty sure that she is interested in me as well. However, the problem is that hopefully I'll be out of the province in less than a year!
I want to protect my sister in Christ. I was thinking of talking with her mom after the service (I go to the 1st, they go to the 2nd service) alone. And inform her that I'm interested in her daughter, if I could talk to both of them (E's parents), and also to get the father's permission; and see what's best for E, either that she and I can get to know each other better (with marriage in mind) or not. I don't see her father in the church, only once, at the Christmas service, that's why I'd ask E's mom instead of her dad at the end of the service. Also I'd request that our conversation should be kept between the us (E's Parents and I), just in case I don't get the father's permission, I don't want to create a hindrance between E and her parents.

There's a mens group that meet up once every month, I'm also going to ask my brothers for some godly council regarding this matter. But since i found this forum, I thought I'll ask for some godly advice here as well.

Thanks in advance!
First off, don't worry about the age difference, there are many, many successful couples (married) that I know of with around that age difference. As for what you should do, it is hard for me to say, as I'm not you, but I'll try. First, I think the most important thing is to pray about it and see how God leads you on this. As for the going away, it is only temporary for school, so if you get almost a year under your belt in the relationship I don't think you should have many problems, as long as you are open with her about this at the start of the relationship and she is ok with it. A long distance relationship won't be an easy thing, but if you both really care about each other then you can make it work. I think the most important thing is to try and let God guide you in this.

Revinius
Nov 4th 2008, 03:18 PM
i dunno. Like the above poster said, i am not you, but i would be quite reluctant to look for marriage in someone i knew i was not going to be able to dedicate time to (tis a little unfair on them is it not?).

How long will you be away at school? If it is several years i would certainly say no and wait till you get back.

liefm
Nov 4th 2008, 04:14 PM
I'll be away for 4 years to get my b.a. And God willing I'll also get my master's (hopefully after i get my b.a. I'll propose. But the Lord only knows) too.
I plan on being open about it (me leaving in fall '09) and other things as well.
Also, in about 3 months or 5 dates (whichever is best at that time) I would tell her either my biggest sin or secret (the only person I divulge this info was my pastor, originally I only planned on telling a good potential wife, but I needed counsel) if we were still together, because I know if I was to marry someone, I would like to have known anything big or anything that could potentially be a deal-breaker.
In short she will have known me very well in a very short time (crash course on who I am!:)) and hopefully vice-versa.
The majority of our time together would be in a group setting or with at least one other person, so we could see how we act with our families and other people, and how we act if we were alone together.

From what I've read, women (those who want to get married) tend to think that they aren't attractive, no man wants them, they will not find a good single Christian man, etc.
And I want E to know that she is desirable, beautiful, and has strong roots in Christ our Lord and Saviour, and that there is someone walking in the faith that wants to share and commit his life with a helper (among many many other things) for the glory of God our Saviour.
And if while away at school and the Lord has planned that she be with another man, than God bless them!
I'll still wait and actively search for a woman to be my wife.

GitRDunn
Nov 4th 2008, 10:10 PM
I'll be away for 4 years to get my b.a. And god willing I'll also get my master's (hopefully after i get my b.a. I'll propose. But the Lord only knows) too.
I plan on being open about it (me leaving in fall '09) and other things as well.
Also, in about 3 months or 5 dates (whichever is best at that time) I would tell her either my biggest sin or secret (the only person I divulge this info was my pastor, originally I only planned on telling a good potential wife, but I needed counsel) if we were still together, because I know if I was to marry someone, I would like to have known anything big or anything that could potentially be a deal-breaker.
In short she will have known me very well in a very short time (crash course on who I am!:)) and hopefully vice-versa.
The majority of our time together would be in a group setting or with at least one other person, so we could see how we act with our families and other people, and how we act if we were alone together.

From what I've read, women (those who want to get married) tend to think that they aren't attractive, no man wants them, they will not find a good single Christian man, etc.
And I want E to know that she is desirable, beautiful, and has strong roots in Christ our Lord and Saviour, and that there is someone walking in the faith that wants to share and commit his life with a helper (among many many other things) for the glory of God our Saviour.
And if while away at school and the Lord has planned that she be with another man, than God bless them!
I'll still wait and actively search for a woman to be my wife.
It sounds to me like you really care for her and I think because of this the best thing is to actually talk to her about it. If you don't it will always nag at the back of your mind, "What if?" And while at school it doesn't mean you won't see her for 4 years straight (I'm assuming you'll visit home sometimes) and who knows, maybe she is interested in moving too? Even if not, with phone and e-mail and test message and everything (if you both have a web cam you could even talk face to face with something like Skype) you could easily stay in touch and stay close. If you would stay together this whole time it would be good proof that you would probably have a successful marriage.

Revinius
Nov 5th 2008, 09:14 AM
And I want E to know that she is desirable, beautiful, and has strong roots in Christ our Lord and Saviour, and that there is someone walking in the faith that wants to share and commit his life with a helper (among many many other things) for the glory of God our Saviour.
And if while away at school and the Lord has planned that she be with another man, than God bless them!
I'll still wait and actively search for a woman to be my wife.

I would be wary awaking emotions in someone you don't plan to be there to nurture. Her dad, God and husband are the ones to show her how beautiful she is, not 'some guy' who is gonna clear off for a few years (a long time).

liefm
Nov 5th 2008, 04:15 PM
Thanks you guys for your input. I really appreciate it. And if there are ladies reading this, i would very much appreciate what your take on this is.

The reason why i wanted to talk to her parents first ( without her knowing) was so that her parents can decide whether it will be a positive thing for her to know that there is someone interested in her or not before-hand, if positive (I also get the dad's permission), then after being in the loop, it's up to her to pray and decide if she can handle the situation.
I don't know E enough to gauge her level of maturity or her situation, mental makeup, etc. that's also why I thought it best to talk to people close to her that might (her parents).
I've heard and read about people not knowing each other in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, but have made known their intents (marriage) for each other, while knowing that the young man will leave for 2 years straight (only contact: letters) and have a loving relationship until the Lord calls them one at a time home with Him.
I'd like to clarify or perhaps emphasize that if all goes well with her parents and E, that hopefully as we get to know each other and find out if we could serve our Lord better as one flesh, that we help keep each other from being too attach to one another (so that it will be easier for us to be away from each other (face to face) for long periods of time).
If we both agree that we will serve our Lord better as one flesh, as for me, I will be committed to her prior to the proposal, but if she decides that there is someone else for her or the Lord decides that it will be best for everyone that she be with another man, it's the Lord's will and he knows better than I, and God bless them!:)
If anyone is going to close this road, it's the Lord or her.

liefm
Nov 5th 2008, 04:35 PM
Also, I don't know about other men, even more so with the ladies experience with having God, her dad, husband (n/a in this situation), friends, family telling them they're handsome or beautiful.
It will be wonderful for us guys as well as the ladies that, "Her dad, God and husband are the ones to show her how beautiful she is", but sadly that isn't that case sometimes, especially the part with God.

I've had other people tell me that I'm good looking (friends, girls, family, family-friends, etc) but for me, it isn't quite as affirming as if someone you're interested in or in a relationship with, to tell you that they find you attractive. I have yet to get that level of experience with our God, though His word should be the most important:).
I agree with what you have written Rev, that it should be first God, husband, dad (well... not so much lol) to show a lady or wife that she is beautiful, attractive, wonderful, and so much more. With our Lord's help I hope to affirm my wife in all ways that she is not only valuable, but she is beautiful and attractive.

EaglesWINGS911
Nov 17th 2008, 01:58 AM
I'm just curious, and you dont have to answer this of course, but are you "courting" instead of dating? Because even 5 yrs younger than 23, she is an adult, you really don't have to ask "permission" to date her.

Cara Lott
Nov 25th 2008, 08:00 AM
You sound like you really do care for this girl, and I wish you both happiness if you decide to get together and it works out for you two. But, I wanted to point out some things you might want to think about.

Long-distance relationships: I broke-up with my "high school sweetheart" of 2+ years about five months ago. Our entire relationship was long-distance. For probably the first year and a half I enjoyed it for the most part, but there were some things that came up. I often felt left out when my boyfriend would talk about hanging out with his friends because I couldn't be there and we shared a lot of the same aquaintences (we met at the same school, but then I moved to another state). When I would talk about my friends, he'd never quite follow along or show as much interest because he couldn't relate to them. We only got to see one another at most 2-3 weeks out of each year. Whenever we were together, we'd be very awkward around each other at our first meeting, though we'd loosen up by the end of the trip (I guess it was just hard to connect the thoughts and mind of the person to their actual physical self). One time, my boyfriend hardly said a word to me for an entire month becuase he was busy with school. I understood and waited, but it was very hard, and I never completely got over it. Eventually, we drifted apart, and I felt like he didn't value me anymore.
One the other side of the coin though, my youth pastor and his wife dated long-distance before they got married (and obviously it was a success since they got married). I think some of the differences between their relationship and mine were that they were older, had each had a least one previous relationship beforehand, and they talked/worked through their issues.

Age difference: In a few years it won't matter, but at this point in your lives the age difference could be an issue. In my observation, 3-5 years is quite a difference during the teens/early 20's.

A girl's value: You definitly nailed it when you said girls like to feel valued! I understand what you're saying about not exactly feeling God straight out telling you how much He thinks of you. Certainly, He doesn't reach down from heaven and give one a physical hug or audibly shout, "I love you!" but His word is full of promises, assurences, and examples of how much He cares for each of us. Though, I admit, sometimes I've found it's easier for me to see some of my worth in God's eyes through another person's opinion of me. My point is, it's necessary for a girl to see her worth in God's eyes apart from anyone else (boyfriends included) at the same time as she's receiving love, honor, and respect from the men in her life.

One last thing I want to say, and I realize a lot of people probably disagree with me, is about group dating/having a chaperon. I have nothing against group dating, and think it's a really good idea for the beginning of a relationship if one doesn't know his/her date well, but... people act differently when in a group then when it's just two of them. Different people bring out different qualities in each of us, so sometimes it may seem that someone you think you know well in a group is a different person when you talk one-on-one. So, I would reccomend you go out a few times alone (though after you've gotten to one another well, and definitly in a public place). Part of why I hold this opinion has to do with my mom's current marriage: When my mom met my step-dad he attended church and claimed he was a Christian. He said he wanted to court her (the definition in this case would be group dating with the intent of marriage), which he did. However, when they got married, he turned out to be a completely different person than my mom had thought him to be, and not all that Christian. They are currently getting a divorce.

Sorry about how long this is. Also, I hope I haven't discouraged you in any way. These are just my experiences, and they have made me cautious.

liefm
Nov 29th 2008, 01:37 AM
I'm just curious, and you dont have to answer this of course, but are you "courting" instead of dating? Because even 5 yrs younger than 23, she is an adult, you really don't have to ask "permission" to date her.

Well, right now I have been thinking about asking her a question, something like, "May I ask you a hypothetical question? [her reply: yes or something similar], I know someone who is attracted to this girl at his home Church; she goes to the 2nd service, while he goes to the 1st. Now God-willing he will go to Alberta, in order to continue his education, in the Fall of 2009, that's less then a year from now. What do you think, should he ask her out? to get to know each other better, in both a group setting and a one-on-one setting?"


You sound like you really do care for this girl, and I wish you both happiness if you decide to get together and it works out for you two. But, I wanted to point out some things you might want to think about.

Long-distance relationships: I broke-up with my "high school sweetheart" of 2+ years about five months ago. Our entire relationship was long-distance. For probably the first year and a half I enjoyed it for the most part, but there were some things that came up. I often felt left out when my boyfriend would talk about hanging out with his friends because I couldn't be there and we shared a lot of the same aquaintences (we met at the same school, but then I moved to another state). When I would talk about my friends, he'd never quite follow along or show as much interest because he couldn't relate to them. We only got to see one another at most 2-3 weeks out of each year. Whenever we were together, we'd be very awkward around each other at our first meeting, though we'd loosen up by the end of the trip (I guess it was just hard to connect the thoughts and mind of the person to their actual physical self). One time, my boyfriend hardly said a word to me for an entire month becuase he was busy with school. I understood and waited, but it was very hard, and I never completely got over it. Eventually, we drifted apart, and I felt like he didn't value me anymore.
One the other side of the coin though, my youth pastor and his wife dated long-distance before they got married (and obviously it was a success since they got married). I think some of the differences between their relationship and mine were that they were older, had each had a least one previous relationship beforehand, and they talked/worked through their issues.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that sister. What should have your ex done to make you feel more valued and to not drift apart? (You don't have to answer, but if you do, it might help, if E and I were to have a long distance relationship)

Thanks sisters:)

Cara Lott
Nov 29th 2008, 11:01 PM
I'm sorry that you had to go through that sister. What should have your ex done to make you feel more valued and to not drift apart? (You don't have to answer, but if you do, it might help, if E and I were to have a long distance relationship)
While you are single, you'll each have your own lives apart from the time you spend together; try to take an interest in her life. Don't just ask her to share your life, but try to share in her life too.Be accepting of whatever her family life is like. My ex's parents married right out of high school and are still together, while my parents are divorced and remarried. J. found my family dynamic strange and didn't really want to accept it, but, "you date the girl, you date her family." At the same time, what her family is like isn't her fault. Also, give her support, understanding, and encouragment, as much as possible, when she's sharing something; don't be judgmental, if possible.Give her some room to breathe when you're together. J. used to hover around me until it drove me nuts.Obviously, keep contact often (at least once a week), and talk about anything that might turn into an issue.

These probably all sound like duh's, but the neglect of them led to my breaking-up with my boyfriend.