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View Full Version : Is it wrong to pray to be with someone when they love someone else?



DaneClark
Aug 9th 2009, 04:41 PM
I love someone who is engaged to someone else. I have loved this person for a very long time, but never had a fair chance to be with her. Our families are very close and she considers me to be a very close friend.

The first time I wanted to tell her I liked her was in 8th grade, and she started dating another boy before I had a chance to tell her. When they FINALLY broke up 4 years later we were both out of school and in college, and she ended up meeting another guy. She was well aware of the fact that I had feelings for her but still only considered me a friend (but still, a very close friend)

After she had been seeing this second guy for about 2 years I started praying every night that God find a way to bring us together and just give me a chance. However, after a few months of this, I decided to give up and try to meet someone else. When they first announced their engagement later that year, I was initially O.K. with it because I was confident that I would meet someone soon- big mistake. I always have a hard time meeting people because I'm very shy. One of my "must-haves" is that the be very close to the same age as me, something that is very hard to find when you're in your early 20's. Every relationship that I tried to get into was over before it even started.

That's when I started thinking about her again. I started praying again, even though at this point I knew that it was too late, but I just couldn't help it. Everything about her just seems so perfect for me. It's just not fair to have grown up with someone perfect for you, and having them be one of your closest friends, but not being able to be with them , It's so frustrating. When I pray, I tell god that I know that I'm being selfish, but it's just so hard not to want it. I know, I'm basically praying for something bad to happen to someone I love, but I just know that she could learn to love me if we were just given one more chance. She is of a very rare type, and even if I were to meet someone who was just like her in every way, something would still seem missing to me. I really do love her, and I want her to be happy, but why does she get to be happy when I don't? I know she could be happy with me, I just know it. I'm not asking God to change her free will, all I'm asking him is to let fate bring us into a situation where I can have one more chance. She's just so perfect for me, and it could take me years to find another girl like her. She has lots of VERY important qualities that nobody else can give me. If it isn't meant to be, why does my heart keep leading me back to her?

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this and had it turn out they way they wanted it in the end?

JWayne
Aug 9th 2009, 05:24 PM
Lust, covetness, human desires, ill will towards others. Is there anywhere in your prayers where you are seeking God's will be done and not yours?

Athanasius
Aug 9th 2009, 05:30 PM
I love someone who is engaged to someone else. I have loved this person for a very long time, but never had a fair chance to be with her. Our families are very close and she considers me to be a very close friend.

The first time I wanted to tell her I liked her was in 8th grade, and she started dating another boy before I had a chance to tell her. When they FINALLY broke up 4 years later we were both out of school and in college, and she ended up meeting another guy. She was well aware of the fact that I had feelings for her but still only considered me a friend (but still, a very close friend)

After she had been seeing this second guy for about 2 years I started praying every night that God find a way to bring us together and just give me a chance. However, after a few months of this, I decided to give up and try to meet someone else. When they first announced their engagement later that year, I was initially O.K. with it because I was confident that I would meet someone soon- big mistake. I always have a hard time meeting people because I'm very shy. One of my "must-haves" is that the be very close to the same age as me, something that is very hard to find when you're in your early 20's. Every relationship that I tried to get into was over before it even started.

Here's what I would say from experience, my own and others. Being in a good friendship with a person is a very different thing than being in a relationship with that same person when marriage is a prospect. No matter how good your friendship is, the relationship you have within marriage (and leading up to marriage) is infinitely more personal, intimate and challenging. Both the husband and wife have a lot of baggage that they bring into marriage: past hurt, expectations, visions and goals, their view of how marriage should be, etc. These aren't things you seriously consider (even if you've thought about them) when in a friendship, even if it's a good friendship. Necessarily, these are things which begin to come out when one is in a relationship on the road to marriage. You really start to see a whole new side to the person you're with. This isn't a bad thing necessarily, however it makes you realize what exactly you're getting into with this other person, you understand they aren't so perfect like you thought they were, they have problems, just like you, and those problems aren't limited to squeezing the middle of the toothpaste tube.

How does this relate to love? Well, love is two things; a choice that comes with a lot of commitment (and hard work, determination) and a set of emotions that come along every once in a while. As love is more a choice than anything, how well you know the person who is the object of your love would influence your commitment to them. It's happened many times. As best friends you think a relationship would be a good idea (and good relationships are built off friendships), however, as the relationship progresses you both realize that it's not what you were expecting. People seem to confuse love with the idea of love, not that I'm saying you are. Ultimately, you're the only person who could say with confidence whether or not you're in love. I know a few examples where this sort of thing happened, my girlfriend is one such example, however, it's the very rare exception, not the rule. If it isn't happening, then we have to realize it's not happening. I hesitate in mentioning that because that's what you'll latch onto, most likely.



That's when I started thinking about her again. I started praying again, even though at this point I knew that it was too late, but I just couldn't help it. Everything about her just seems so perfect for me. It's just not fair to have grown up with someone perfect for you, and having them be one of your closest friends, but not being able to be with them , It's so frustrating. When I pray, I tell god that I know that I'm being selfish, but it's just so hard not to want it. I know, I'm basically praying for something bad to happen to someone I love, but I just know that she could learn to love me if we were just given one more chance. She is of a very rare type, and even if I were to meet someone who was just like her in every way, something would still seem missing to me. I really do love her, and I want her to be happy, but why does she get to be happy when I don't? I know she could be happy with me, I just know it. I'm not asking God to change her free will, all I'm asking him is to let fate bring us into a situation where I can have one more chance. She's just so perfect for me, and it could take me years to find another girl like her. She has lots of VERY important qualities that nobody else can give me. If it isn't meant to be, why does my heart keep leading me back to her?

Here's another thing about love; if you really love someone, you will want what will bring them the greatest amount of happiness, even at personal cost. Is she happy right now with the man she is with? Will she continue to be happy with the man she is with? Do you have reason to believe she will be happier with you than with him? You are right, you're being selfish, and love isn't selfish, so are you really in love? I think, reading over what you've said, you want you to be happy over her happiness. For some reason you don't think it's "fair" that she's happy and you aren't. Well, that's not something 'love would say'. Love isn't about "being fair". It seems to me you're drawn back to her because you're afraid you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, that it will take you 'years to find another girl <like her>' (if you look for another girl and compare that girl to this girl you're talking about now, you're wrong it won't take years, rather, you'll never find one). You believe she's perfect for you, are you perfect for her? It doesn't seem she thinks so, she knows how you feel and she chooses not to go down that path with you.



Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this and had it turn out they way they wanted it in the end?

Have you ever seen the movie, 'He's Just Not That Into You?' or even read the book? Part of it is about people who turn exceptions into rules, the result being disastrous. I think I'll finish with this. If God desires for you two to be together, you'll be together (assuming you both listen to God). If He doesn't, then you won't. At this point in time, it looks like you might want to drop a few of your "must-haves" as it would appear this girl is going to marry the man she is engaged to. There's no such thing as 'fate' and for all your talk about loving her, you seem more concerned about yourself. Keeping in mind what I said above, ultimately, you're the only one who knows 'best', I can only tell you what I think not knowing the situation and being something of a cynical observer.

Gods Creation
Aug 12th 2009, 07:20 AM
First off, Xel'Naga gave some really solid advice about this girl. I agree with everything said. Furthermore, they are engaged. At this point, I think you should completely back off, be happy for them, and recognize that this person was not designated to you by God.

Second, a bit of worldly advice: I would stop worrying so much about relationships. It's the worst thing you can do to yourself. Remember this as a rule in pursuing new relationhips, "the more you chase someone, the more they will push back." Stop focusing on chasing a girl you've met. Work on becoming friends with all people and more importantly, work on bettering yourself in all areas of your life.

Focus on becoming closer to God. Focus on achieving your personal goals (career, education, etc). Focus on developing yourself physically. I noticed the strangest thing when I stopped caring about chasing girls and focused on becoming a better version of myself -- everything falls into place in ways you could never imagine in that regard. It's also the coolest thing because we know that everything will workout in the end. I am a million times happier now that I try to live by the principle found in Romans 8:28:


And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

magicale
Aug 18th 2009, 04:36 PM
Your situation reminded me of my life. however know that even as you pray, you should always bring God into forcus. secondly, what if you were the girl? place yourself in her shoes. what if she have found true happyness and here you are praying that she should be yours? i am not asking you to give up but. what is yours will be yours. but place God first in your life and all things will be granted to you. it is a sin to not follow God's give plan for you actually. i have learned it though hard way.

Matthew 5:29
If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

this is a verse that should only apply should you go against Gos's will. this verse in your situation is. if the very girl that you love is causing you to sin. remove her so that you would not sin. by removing her means letting her go.

decrumpit
Aug 19th 2009, 04:08 AM
One of my "must-haves" is that the be very close to the same age as me, something that is very hard to find when you're in your early 20's. Every relationship that I tried to get into was over before it even started.

Women usually marry earlier than men, based on social situations in life. You might want to look to marry a younger girl.

There has been some solid advice in this thread.

Ultimately, just make friends, and the girls will follow.

DaneClark
Aug 20th 2009, 06:52 PM
Perhaps I should add that I have Asperger's syndrome and have a difficult time socializing. That is why I am having such a hard time finding another girl.

Friend of Jesus
Aug 21st 2009, 09:11 AM
I don't know about a syndrome but I certainly find it difficult to make new friends on my own. The good thing is that God has given you the spirit which drives out all fear- PRAY and God's boldness will fill you.

Also another thing is to just trust God to come through for you and act Despite your fear. In doing this you will build your confidence and learn to lean on God.

HisLittleHazelnut
Aug 21st 2009, 08:35 PM
Perhaps I should add that I have Asperger's syndrome and have a difficult time socializing. That is why I am having such a hard time finding another girl.

I am also an Aspie, and am engaged to another Aspie. We met and knew we were the ones for each other immediately.

Actually it's a really good arrangement, you just need to find one that a) of course is Christian and b) the strengths and weaknesses within Asperger's balance each other out.

Datrde447
Aug 21st 2009, 08:42 PM
Have you tried dating other girls and acting somewhat like a Jerk towards her? (In a funny way of course without overdo-ing it)

Always works for me