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View Full Version : Need Advice: Long time girlfriend doesnt love me.



someguy1234
Jun 15th 2010, 10:36 PM
so recently my long time girlfriend decided that she didnt love me anymore. keep in mind this is a girl i dated 4 years earlier with a DEVASTATING break up that ended up with me so heartbroken that i went though YEARS of deep deep depression. i did end up being with her a full 2 years after the first break up and heres what happened.

the story went that over the past few years she was going through some VERY hard times. (pregnant by a guy that wanted NOTHING to do with her, no money, no job, no car, no help of any kind) i helped her though EVERYTHING! the things i did out of love for her were unmeasurable. i was ALWAYS there. i was a rock, she could ALWAYS count on me for EVERYTHING. during her entire 2nd pregnancy when the guy that fathered the child wanted nothing to do with her, i was the one that helped her do just about anything she needed. i was basicly the husband so to say that i knew she needed and she let me be and actually wanted me to be.

when we started to "fall in love again" so to say after a year and a half of being there for her i found myself feeling very trapped, she didnt trust me and always seemed to be giving me a hard time. i was wiped out mentally and physically. we'd get into some nasty fights, shed play all these mind games of (come over after work and then tell me not to and then get mad that i respected that and didnt come over then shed say that we shouldnt be together anymore and that if i wanted to come over i would have been there, is this some girl trick im not aware of?) she wouldnt let me talk to friends i knew that were girls. shed tell me things like we shouldnt talk anymore or that we should break up ALL the time, at least 3 or 4 times a week for very minor things i would do (for example, i was helping her finish cleaning out her storage that i helped her get when i rented a uhaul and took 4 hours moving a mountain of things out of her apartment she was living in before it was condemnded while her entire family just sat back and watched me bust my a$$ but thats completely beside the point. i then followed her home and missed the turn to her new place because i wasnt used to going there, when i did get there, she said that after i unloaded my car that we shouldnt talk anymore) i was so mad and upset over that, she tried to make it seem like i had no reason to be upset at all and after she said all that to me she wanted to go to my moms house and have dinner and i was still extremely upset over her saying that and i started to feel like i was in the twilight zone, i just couldnt wrap my head around what was even going on). she admited later that she was upset because there was a weird guy watching her take things into her apartment before i showed up after missing the turn and she took it out on me.

i started to feel burdened by the whole relationship. i found myself not wanting to spend a lot of time with her. because she would constantly be on the look out for other guys online, shed spend time with her ex (that she has another child with) behind my back and it really bothered me. my family and friends treated me different, my mom said i wasnt part of the family anymore if i was with her and she'd make my life a living hell if i ever went to see her so it was hard to come home and be screamed at for 2 hours.

keep in mind for some odd reason i was madly in love with this girl, she could be sweet a lot of the times. she did tell me a lot that she loved me and would say really sweet things that her children loved me and that she wished i was their father and how she wanted to have children and get married and live together and be a family.

she has two little girls that i adored but i just felt trapped by the fact we really couldnt have the type of relationship i wanted and i just HATED that she always had to have some sort of attention from other guys (she is a very attractive girl and guys ALWAYS hit on her)

now i know ive painted a pretty ugly picture of this girl but i just am so heartbroken over the fact it seemed like i could never measure up to what she wanted. i wasnt the type of guy that would say a lot of sweet mushy stuff but i told her a lot that i loved her like no one else in my entire life and that was 100% true.

but i always felt that actions spoke louder than words and that words were cheap. i SHOWED this woman love that i dont think any man in her adult life ever showed her. i helped her pick up her life from being pregnant with nothing and i mean nothing as far as letting her live with me for 2 months over christmas because she was homeless.

so after she got her life back in order i really started to resent the mind games and the fact we never really could do youthful type dating and go places because of the children she has. we could never get a sitter and my mom refused to watch her kids anymore because of the fact she started to really dislike the girl over time and so i'd find us in her living with nothing to do.

i started to really not want to spend hardly anytime with her, i lost my independence and my happiness. i wasnt happy. i didnt feel like i was being valued and in turn i dont think i made her feel valued either. It even went as far as her breaking up with me because i was hanging out with a friend of mine (that is a guy) for lunch and she felt that i shouldnt be doing such things like that behind her back, esp. when she had nothing going on at the moment, and that i had been doing that type of thing a lot lately. so i let the break up last for 2 weeks because i was too stressed and thought i wanted out of the whole relationship but she kept contacting me and trying to get back in my life. so because i loved her and started to miss her i gave in and we were back together.

so one particular night she wanted to see me and once again i wasnt up to coming over. i stayed home, relaxed and watched tv. not even go out, i just wanted alone time. looking back i did that a lot those last few months not only for selfish reasons but because i didnt want to hear the insane amount of screaming from my mother because of it. but the next day i made some good efforts in trying to spend time with her, i was starting to feel bad for my selfish actions and was really trying to see her. she said she needed to get a haircut and was spending the afternoon with her mom, so later i texted her asking her if she got her haircut and she said no and that she got invited to a party and that she was at walmart and i kept asking her when i was going to see her that night, she said that there was nothing to do and that she left her baby with her mother and needed to run back because she forgot to leave bottles there. i called her an hour later and she said she hadnt run there yet and that she was getting gas and she rushed me off the phone and when i asked about the party she said she wasnt going and that shed call me at 11. well she text me at 1 30 am saying she got into watching a movie and that i should text her the next morning. next morning rolls around and i come to find out she DID go to the party and it was with some guy from High School. well i lost it, i mean LOST it! i broke up with her and we exchanged some VERY hateful words to eachother, and that was that. she kept saying what she did wasnt wrong and i had no right to get upset. she kept saying that if i was really going to break up with her right then and there that id be the one that was sorry because she did nothing wrong.

few days go by and no texts no nothing till we had literally an entire day of name calling on the phone till late that night she called and we were getting along nicely till my mother found out who i was talking to and starting being ignorant and i told her i needed to get off the phone because i didnt want her hearing the garbage out of my mothers mouth about her and after that i got a text saying that because of that we were NEVER going to talk ever again.

not even a few days goes by after that, that this guy from the party is her new boyfriend. she has it all over her facebook how they are in love and saying i love you's and generally just being all lovely dovey like i never existed. and he does and says all those lovey things i never could or did.

now if you have followed all this, THANK YOU. now the problem is, i am totally heartbroken and feeling worthless, im actually starting to believe the things she said about me before we stopped talking that i was a sorry ass man that no one wants and that because of this i was the one that was going to be sorry.

the thing im struggling with is, why would God make her so incredibly happy and make me so unhappy AGAIN in the process. i just dont get it. is it because of my actions towards the end there? did i deserve this? did i not apperciate what i had and now its gone? Any advice? anything at all? i cant stop beating myself up over this.

HisLeast
Jun 16th 2010, 12:13 AM
the thing im struggling with is, why would God make her so incredibly happy and make me so unhappy AGAIN in the process. i just dont get it. is it because of my actions towards the end there? did i deserve this? did i not apperciate what i had and now its gone? Any advice? anything at all? i cant stop beating myself up over this.

Well, I can't say I've experienced this personally, but if I did I would hope someone would show me the wisdom of perspective. That perspective is that the world does not revolve around us. More specifically, it doesn't even revolve around our getting what we want. I think back to the trials and tribulations of the apostles. I think to the trials of Job. I look around at some of the horrible events the world has seen: the holocaust, the rape of Nanking, the khmer rouge, the Armenian genocide. I think of Christians currently being put to the torch in Ossira. I wonder what's going through their heads when they are experiencing agony beyond comprehension.

When I consider those things it reinforces in my mind that this life isn't about me getting what I think I want, nor is it about me being comfortable, nor is it about me even understanding the how's and why's of God's ways. He's not playing a giant cosmic puppet game with me. His will for my life is simple: that I love and obey Him.

FWIW, it doesn't sound like this relationship had sustainable dynamics, and you should be thankfull that you're out now rather than years from now. Perhaps you've avoided consequences down the road your mind can't even fathom yet.

Hope there's at least some wisdom in there for you.

someguy1234
Jun 16th 2010, 12:26 AM
i agree, there are a millions things going on in the world that i can only be thankful that this is the worst of my trails. but the guilt does get to me and the fact that id like to have a family is always looming over my head.

thanks for the response :)

Dani H
Jun 16th 2010, 11:23 PM
i agree, there are a millions things going on in the world that i can only be thankful that this is the worst of my trails. but the guilt does get to me and the fact that id like to have a family is always looming over my head.

thanks for the response :)

In that case, I'd like to point you to a well-known Bible story in which Abraham didn't have his first kid until he and his wife were both around 80 years old so you really have a long time ahead of you to fret over this ... or not. :)

daughter
Jun 16th 2010, 11:32 PM
now the problem is, i am totally heartbroken and feeling worthless, im actually starting to believe the things she said about me before we stopped talking that i was a sorry ass man that no one wants and that because of this i was the one that was going to be sorry.

the thing im struggling with is, why would God make her so incredibly happy and make me so unhappy AGAIN in the process. i just dont get it. is it because of my actions towards the end there? did i deserve this? did i not apperciate what i had and now its gone? Any advice? anything at all? i cant stop beating myself up over this.
Your question is a very ancient one, actually. "Why do the wicked prosper?" You might not be prepared to think of her as utterly wicked, and I'm not saying that she is, but the point is that temporal happiness is impermanent and you can't see it as a sign of God's favour (or of His curse.) So, in the here and now you feel wretched and unhappy. So did Elijah, so did Abraham, so did David, so did Jeremiah... feelings aren't to be trusted. Jesus wept... we all do.

The fact is, you don't deserve it, but you will, for a while, internalise her hateful remarks because you did love her. And therefore you'll seek to make sense of her behaviour by making yourself the villain. You're not the villain, and neither is she... at least neither one of you entirely.

Simply accept that this is a world of suffering, and thank God that you didn't marry the woman. That would have been real torment... this relationship could never have worked, and it wasn't your fault, nor hers, so far as I can tell. Pray and ask God to help you let it go, and to find you someone you can truly be happy with, and live and praise Him with.

Sorry if I sound brusque. Actually, I want to make you a cup of tea and some biscuits, but that's the Irish mother in me. Stay well, and don't blame yourself.

someguy1234
Jun 17th 2010, 01:07 AM
thank you so much everyone. its so hard to feel this way. this love sick feeling.