PDA

View Full Version : Will this work?



Warrior4God
Jun 28th 2010, 03:12 PM
I've asked my pastor for some advice, but I also wanted to see what people here have to say. Almost 2 years ago, my daughter Amber moved to Texas after meeting a guy on the Internet. I didn't want her to go, but, since she was 18, I couldn't stop her from going. It was hard enough watching her leave to go shack up with some guy she barely knew, but one of the reasons it was really hard was because I know she didn't leave only because of the guy. I know she left, in part, because I wasn't always nice to her. I have a bad temper and she is the type of person that can push buttons, and when she was being mouthy or rebellious, I would say mean things like, "You're stupid!" Even before she left, I tried to make up for those things by stopping with the name calling and trying to be more positive and telling her she's smart enough to finish high school when she was struggling with her classes and told her she is pretty when she complained that she is ugly. She joined the "emo" crowd for awhile in her teens and dabbled in cutting herself and did the bulemic thing for a short time, too. As far as I know, she isn't doing these things anymore, fortunately. Amber always was an insecure kid, so I don't think I'm fully to blame for things, but in her teen years she sure frustrated me often and I know I said things that were not nice. I think she is still hurt by the things I've said to her. I didn't hear from her this Father's day. I don't remember if she called the year before or not. She does keep in touch with my wife and I somewhat, but it's sparse and its been awhile since we've heard from her. My pastor suggested I write her a letter and apologize for the hurtful things I've said to her. I guess it's something, but is it enough? Or, has the damage been irreversibly done? :(

Dani H
Jun 28th 2010, 07:04 PM
This is your child. It's never too late to make amends, whichever way you can find it in your heart to do. It may be a few years yet before she comes around but you should let her know that you are her father and you love her, no matter what.

Warrior4God
Jun 28th 2010, 07:34 PM
This is your child. It's never too late to make amends, whichever way you can find it in your heart to do. It may be a few years yet before she comes around but you should let her know that you are her father and you love her, no matter what.

I appreciate the encouragement. I just wish I hadn't screwed up so many things in my life. I have a lousy relationship with my daughter. I cheated on my wife. I'm a real "winner," huh?:B I will definitely make the effort to reach out and tell her I was wrong for all the mean things I said to her, but she's probably better off without me in her life, much. Maybe she feels safer that way. Can't exactly blame her.

Dani H
Jun 28th 2010, 08:04 PM
So what? You sinned. Welcome to the club. I've my own story to tell. That doesn't mean we have to leave things undone. We can seek forgiveness. We can admit that we wronged somebody and seek reconciliation. We can humble ourselves. We can let the past be the past, and establish a better today and tomorrow, by doing things God's way. I'm no perfect parent, nor spouse, nor friend. Neither is everyone around me. But I am able to forget what is behind, and reach out to what is ahead, for what God has waiting for me.

Send her that letter. Call her. Go see her. Tell her that you love her and that you think about her, and that you tried to be a good father and to give her a good home, and then ask her forgiveness for the things you did wrong, now that God has shown you a better way.

Of course she's not better off without you in her life. You're her father. Pray for her, ask God to watch over her, and to bring her to Himself. Reconnect on an adult level and establish a friendship, if God opens that door for you both.

I used to judge my parents greatly growing up. Many kids do because in our youthful ignorance, we often think we get the short end of the stick and we don't understand what all it is our parents provide us with and how challenging it often is just to put a roof over somebody's head and have food on the table and all the other necessities. However, as an adult, I appreciate them more now than I ever did. Because my own kids have taught me that it's not all that easy being a parent, and so now I have a lot better understanding than I used to. As will your daughter, one day. :)

HisLeast
Jun 28th 2010, 08:15 PM
I appreciate the encouragement. I just wish I hadn't screwed up so many things in my life. I have a lousy relationship with my daughter. I cheated on my wife. I'm a real "winner," huh?:B I will definitely make the effort to reach out and tell her I was wrong for all the mean things I said to her, but she's probably better off without me in her life, much. Maybe she feels safer that way. Can't exactly blame her.

Redemption, healing, and forgiveness are powerful ideas. Many are the men who said "surely I've gone past the point of no return" only to have their burdens lifted. The very worst and least likely scenario is that your efforts to make it right are ignored. The end result of that nightmare scenario are practically no different than what you are living now. Pragmatically, you can't do any worse. That leaves lots of room for hope. It is far more likely that your efforts in this regard will start a healing process. None can say where that will lead, but I hope I've demonstrated that anywhere it leads is better than not starting.

Vhayes
Jun 28th 2010, 11:11 PM
Write the letter. A child who has been hurt needs is always looking for a hug from the person they feel they let down. It's a step - but a huge step.

GitRDunn
Jul 6th 2010, 03:06 AM
So what? You sinned. Welcome to the club. I've my own story to tell. That doesn't mean we have to leave things undone. We can seek forgiveness. We can admit that we wronged somebody and seek reconciliation. We can humble ourselves. We can let the past be the past, and establish a better today and tomorrow, by doing things God's way. I'm no perfect parent, nor spouse, nor friend. Neither is everyone around me. But I am able to forget what is behind, and reach out to what is ahead, for what God has waiting for me.

Send her that letter. Call her. Go see her. Tell her that you love her and that you think about her, and that you tried to be a good father and to give her a good home, and then ask her forgiveness for the things you did wrong, now that God has shown you a better way.

Of course she's not better off without you in her life. You're her father. Pray for her, ask God to watch over her, and to bring her to Himself. Reconnect on an adult level and establish a friendship, if God opens that door for you both.

I used to judge my parents greatly growing up. Many kids do because in our youthful ignorance, we often think we get the short end of the stick and we don't understand what all it is our parents provide us with and how challenging it often is just to put a roof over somebody's head and have food on the table and all the other necessities. However, as an adult, I appreciate them more now than I ever did. Because my own kids have taught me that it's not all that easy being a parent, and so now I have a lot better understanding than I used to. As will your daughter, one day. :)
Dani, you said pretty much everything I wanted to say.


I've asked my pastor for some advice, but I also wanted to see what people here have to say. Almost 2 years ago, my daughter Amber moved to Texas after meeting a guy on the Internet. I didn't want her to go, but, since she was 18, I couldn't stop her from going. It was hard enough watching her leave to go shack up with some guy she barely knew, but one of the reasons it was really hard was because I know she didn't leave only because of the guy. I know she left, in part, because I wasn't always nice to her. I have a bad temper and she is the type of person that can push buttons, and when she was being mouthy or rebellious, I would say mean things like, "You're stupid!" Even before she left, I tried to make up for those things by stopping with the name calling and trying to be more positive and telling her she's smart enough to finish high school when she was struggling with her classes and told her she is pretty when she complained that she is ugly. She joined the "emo" crowd for awhile in her teens and dabbled in cutting herself and did the bulemic thing for a short time, too. As far as I know, she isn't doing these things anymore, fortunately. Amber always was an insecure kid, so I don't think I'm fully to blame for things, but in her teen years she sure frustrated me often and I know I said things that were not nice. I think she is still hurt by the things I've said to her. I didn't hear from her this Father's day. I don't remember if she called the year before or not. She does keep in touch with my wife and I somewhat, but it's sparse and its been awhile since we've heard from her. My pastor suggested I write her a letter and apologize for the hurtful things I've said to her. I guess it's something, but is it enough? Or, has the damage been irreversibly done? :(
Write the letter, definitely. There is no way she is better off without you in her life, the mere facts that you recognize you have done her wrong in the past and that you are contemplating ways to repair your relationship with her show how much you care about her and love her. It is always better to have a person like this, especially a father, in your life than it is to have them out of it. All you can do is try different things to repair your relationship. Try this letter, if that doesn't work, try calling, if that doesn't work try going to visit her, etc. Eventually she will realize how much you care and how sorry you are and how much she needs you in her life. Stay strong and pray that God will give you the insight necessary to know what to do to repair your relationship. I will be praying for you! :pray:

AriaAtEase
Jul 30th 2010, 08:34 AM
Warrior,
I can't tell you how powerful an apology is to a child from a parent.
Don't expect her to really understand you or 'see' that you were right about a lot of things for several more years. But it will all hit her one day, and the light will come on. 'Doesn't mean we are perfect parents. At some point, we should apologize so they can heal. Later, when we're old, maybe they'll make us a cup of tea.
Write the letter!

Warrior4God
Jul 30th 2010, 09:03 AM
Well, I have written the letter. I just laid it all out and told my daughter how sorry I was for some of the things I said and that I would take it all back if I could. I had sent the letter off a week ago, but, because I wrote my daughter's address incorrectly, the letter got sent back to me.:B Oh, well. I will correct it and send it off again.