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Patriot
Aug 27th 2010, 03:53 AM
Hello,
I am getting married in less then 3 weeks to a wonderful girl...

To make a long story short...i am a virgin...have done things i shouldnt but am a virgin...

she isnt...

in the world you are frowned upon for not "Getting all you can" and not being "a real man" if you dont go sleeping with women ...and i think my struggles with porn add onto this, by seeing how they treat women...

I have actually been doing a lot better with not getting upset and feeling down because of her being with other guys and meet not being with any girls, but tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks when we were talking. :B

Can someone give me some comforting words so i can stay strong and not feel depressed, and un manly(if thats even a word)

I know the obvious Christian answers on why I shouldnt feel like this, but can anyone else offer some insight that may help me with this.

Thanks a lot. :cool:

RockSolid
Aug 27th 2010, 09:38 PM
In my life experiences, the older you get, the more difficult it is (if not impossible) to find a girl that hasn't "been with" another man. That's just the way the world is today.
You shouldn't feel "unmanly". You were strong enough with God's help to endure temptation and not give in to man's lustful desires. Not everyone has that kind of willpower.
The way God sees a "real man" is different than what this world sees as one.

Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

I commend you for wanting to do things the right way, God's way, by waiting till you are married.
I'm sure, if she is a Christian, that she regrets what she has done and if she had it to do over again she would have waited as well.

moonglow
Aug 27th 2010, 10:24 PM
In my life experiences, the older you get, the more difficult it is (if not impossible) to find a girl that hasn't "been with" another man. That's just the way the world is today.
You shouldn't feel "unmanly". You were strong enough with God's help to endure temptation and not give in to man's lustful desires. Not everyone has that kind of willpower.
The way God sees a "real man" is different than what this world sees as one.

Jas 1:12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

I commend you for wanting to do things the right way, God's way, by waiting till you are married.
I'm sure, if she is a Christian, that she regrets what she has done and if she had it to do over again she would have waited as well.

I agree with this post. It takes a very strong man to do what you have done. Hold your head up high! ok!

I pray you have a lovely wedding and remember of course..God needs to be the head of your marriage. You will be the head of your wife...to love her and protect her...and be her spiritual guide. :hug:

God bless

HisLeast
Aug 27th 2010, 11:29 PM
Hello,
I am getting married in less then 3 weeks to a wonderful girl...

To make a long story short...i am a virgin...have done things i shouldnt but am a virgin...

she isnt...

in the world you are frowned upon for not "Getting all you can" and not being "a real man" if you dont go sleeping with women ...and i think my struggles with porn add onto this, by seeing how they treat women...

Ok... first a warning, then some encouragement.

WARNING:
First and foremost, is the porn out of your life or do you still struggle with it? If its still in your life, all the comforting words in the world aren't going to help, because the porn is poisoning your mind. Take that from a guy who dredged every perversion for 10 years. I can't stress enough that porn is establishing a thoroughly wrong wrong WRONG sexual ideal in your mind. I also can't stress enough how getting married and the sex that comes with it WILL NOT make the temptation go away. In fact, it will only make indulging in the porn easier. Porn is training you that you can get sexual gratification whenever you want, under any aesthetic you like. That will not be the case in marriage.

So if you are still trapped in the porn game, its time to get dead serious about getting out. Solicit help from people you trust (not online), and DO NOT go it alone.


Can someone give me some comforting words so i can stay strong and not feel depressed, and un manly(if thats even a word)

ENCOURAGEMENT:
- First of all, having lived a worldly life before I got married, let me assure you that married sex is better than prior daliances in a way that eating a steak is better than watching someone else eat one. It is, in this writer's humble opinion, the apex thrill. So you haven't exactly missed much by waiting.

- Second, if performance is making you anxious, understand that by being concerned about pleasing your partner you're already half way there. Go slow, pay attention to her, and you'll do great. (if I can offer one semi presumptuous piece of advice, by "pay attention to her" I mean use all your senses to pay attention to her... don't constantly ask her about the experience in progress).

- Third, male sexual competance has three variables you can control: (i) Confidence in yourself, (ii) Control over yourself, (iii) Awareness of your partner. We already know you have (iii) mostly there because you consider performance something worth worrying about in the first place. By having endured temptation this long, we also know you've got (ii) mostly taken care of (especially if you're keeping that porn temptation locked down!). The only thing to be tested is (i), and really once you relax and realize what a blast its going to be, that will take care of itself in a hurry.

Patriot
Aug 28th 2010, 06:07 AM
Thank you everyone for the insight...

It isnt a performance issue...

It just boils down to that she has experienced that, and with the world it makes me feel like im not a man, and that i should be sleeping with as many girls as i can get...It may be a pride thing....Im a big weightlifter guy with a bald head so maybe that everyone looks at me as a tough guy, even though im a very tender hearted person, part of me somewhere thinks i need to play the big bad tough guy, which as we know wouldnt remain a virgin...

does everyone understand me? am i making sense?

thanks again!

RockSolid
Aug 28th 2010, 03:29 PM
Thank you everyone for the insight...

It isnt a performance issue...

It just boils down to that she has experienced that, and with the world it makes me feel like im not a man, and that i should be sleeping with as many girls as i can get...It may be a pride thing....Im a big weightlifter guy with a bald head so maybe that everyone looks at me as a tough guy, even though im a very tender hearted person, part of me somewhere thinks i need to play the big bad tough guy, which as we know wouldnt remain a virgin...

does everyone understand me? am i making sense?

thanks again!

You make perfect sense. You're not alone man. I am not married. I know what it's like with guys at work or at the gym bragging about which or how many girls they've "had", especially the young guys.
Thats the way this world is. We are told to separate from the things this world does... be in it, not of it. If you surround yourself with some good Christian friends, you would be like an icon to them.

(Tim Tebow approves this post)

HisLeast
Aug 28th 2010, 03:54 PM
Thank you everyone for the insight...

It isnt a performance issue...

It just boils down to that she has experienced that, and with the world it makes me feel like im not a man, and that i should be sleeping with as many girls as i can get...It may be a pride thing....Im a big weightlifter guy with a bald head so maybe that everyone looks at me as a tough guy, even though im a very tender hearted person, part of me somewhere thinks i need to play the big bad tough guy, which as we know wouldnt remain a virgin...

does everyone understand me? am i making sense?

Ok. My apologies for assuming it might be a performance worry. I can sympathize how growing up in our current culture (and watching porn) creates a social norm where manliness is measured by women bedded. But what would it prove? There's a precise word for it actually: "philanderer". That's someone who pursues illicit casual sex. You don't hear the word often now, but its meant to communicate notes of slimeyness, vulgarity, untrustworthyness, and immaturity. When the modern ideal for manhood is observed for what it is (philandery) then it doesn't sound much like manhood does it?

To me, real manhood is standing in the breach when no one else will. It means inspiring strength to uphold one's own convictions, while the disdain of those who don't share those convictions beads off like water poured over rubber. Real men do battle against threats to their convictions, ideals, and the safety of their people.

You have demonstrated a strength practically unseen today. You've stood in the breach and contended with threats to your ideals and convictions. Your strength has been tested against the full weight of society's decadence and you have endured. In doing so, you have proven yourself a man amongst men. You can be confident of that my friend. With that in mind, you can walk around with such a swagger on your wedding night that your new wife will have to butter your shoulders so you can squeeze through doorways.

Patriot
Aug 28th 2010, 09:09 PM
Thanks for the kind words...it means a lot and is very appreciated...

Growing up I had an extreme fear of getting an std...if that was the reason of me remaining "pure"...would the Lord still be happy with my faithfullness? (This just popped into my head)?

HisLeast
Aug 30th 2010, 08:12 PM
Thanks for the kind words...it means a lot and is very appreciated...

Growing up I had an extreme fear of getting an std...if that was the reason of me remaining "pure"...would the Lord still be happy with my faithfullness? (This just popped into my head)?

Why worrry about it? The point is you made it. Now its time for the pay off. :)

Patriot
Aug 31st 2010, 04:51 AM
Thank you HisLeast...and thanks everyone for the supportive words.

Patriot
Sep 18th 2010, 03:33 AM
Getting married this Sunday...thanks for the comforting words!

HisLeast
Sep 18th 2010, 03:52 AM
Getting married this Sunday...thanks for the comforting words!

SWEET! If I could suggest one thing... each of you pick a person in the wedding party and make that person the "go to". If anyone wants to ask you a question or worry about little details of "the plan" going awry, it will be the "go to". I did this with the same guy that MC'd my reception and it was the BEST IDEA EVER. I avoided so much totally unnecessary questions and hassle and was able to enjoy my wedding entirely. He also felt a good sense of "duty fulfilled", so it was a double win. Trust me on this one!

matthew7and1
Sep 18th 2010, 03:53 AM
Just a thought:
Maybe your wife has her own insecurities about having been intimate with other people. I know that I would feel sort of inadequate about the fact that I didn't remain a virgin and my husband did. This is something that the two of you can be a huge support to one another about. You are opposite sides of the spectrum and meeting in the middle will strengthen your bond even more! A rope with three strands is much stronger than one or two....