PDA

View Full Version : Need Advice: Regrets, anger, & how to honor the memory of a rotten parent who has died



bkd6534
Nov 16th 2010, 02:12 AM
One of my best friends just found out that her father, who she hasn't seen or had any contact with in 10 years, is expected to die tonight from cirrhosis of the liver (from alcoholism).
He has been in prison for the past 10 years for abusing young girls. Prior to the imprisonment, my friend and her father already had issues--he and her mother both had abandoned her and her sister after many years of moving from town to town, job to job, and eventually left the two girls in the care of their grandparents. Then, after my friend was an adult and married with a home and child of her own, her father came back into the picture and claimed he needed a place to stay while he "got back on his feet." She agreed to let him stay with her and her husband for awhile. In that time, her son who was 4-5 became very attached to his "Pop," and they were nearly inseparable. After about 9 months, however, the police came knocking at the door and arrested him for abusing young girls. My friend was crushed at the time and couldn't bring herself to see him or write to him. Later, a counselor told her that he had a classic sociopath personality and that he was basically incapable of recognizing that he had (ever) done anything wrong or that any of his actions or behaviors throughout his life had hurt anyone else. Therefore, he would likely never apologize for or ask for forgiveness or understanding for any of his actions.
I think based on what the counselor told her, my friend felt like there was no use in ever trying to see him or write to him in prison because she felt like it would only expose herself to further hurt by her dad--that he would only use contact with her to serve himself, either in asking for money or in otherwise manipulating her and her emotions, and that she would never find any type of closure or answers or catharsis from him. During these 10 years, her father never tried to contact her either.
Two days ago, my friend was contacted by a hospital and was notified that her father had been in ICU for 2 weeks, and that they needed her permission and signature on paperwork to "pull the plug." This was the first she knew that he had been sick. She went to the hospital, but found that her dad was brain dead and had been essentially comatose for the two weeks that he had been at the hospital. So, she never had a chance to speak to her dad one last time or for him to speak to her since the day 10 years ago when the police found him at her house.
She is now torn between feelings of anger and resentment over her rotten childhood and his failings as a father, anger over what he did to those girls, regret for never getting any type of closure, sadness over the loss of the grandad her son knew, trying to fight against re-living and re-remembering the bad parts of her childhood that this situation has caused to resurface, and trying instead to honor her father and find the good or positive out of it all.
Any advice on how she can do this?
Thanks!

saved11
Nov 16th 2010, 08:57 AM
Any advice on how she can do this?
Thanks!

Yes. Through pouring out her heart to God. Kneel down and pray to God. Talk to God about her frustrations, anger, regret, hurt, pain--keep talking and 1 thing usually will happen. She will find herself crying, crying and crying as God minister to her.

Keep doing it --days, weeks, months, no matter how long it takes. It will take time to heal all this hurt and anger. But really the best relief is when God minister to her and that especially will happen through prayer and pouring out her heart to God.

mom_of_four
Nov 19th 2010, 12:33 PM
My husband went through a similar situation with his own father. His father left my husband's mother when my husband was only 11 years old. He never had any other contact with him again until he was a grown man. And even then, he wanted very little to do with my husband. When my husband was 21, he (my husband) was in a bad accident and lost part of his left foot. He was hospitalized for several days to have reconstructive surgery on his foot. While he was in the hospital, my husband's uncle was also in the same hospital just 2 doors down on the same floor. My husband's father came to see the uncle. But, he never even set foot into my husband's room. And, yes he did know that my husband was in there because the uncle told him. That is the kind of man he was. Then, in 1997 (when my husband was 33 years old) his father died of cancer. This was a hard thing for my husband to deal with. He felt a lot like your friend - should he grieve and honor God by going to the funeral home to see his dad or should he just forget it and be thankful that the man was finally out of his life for good? Well, my husband has been a Christian since he was 18 years old. And he knew what was right. He went to the funeral home to see his father for the last time. And it really helped him. It gave him closure. Even though he knew that this man was never a good father to him, he also knew what God would want him to do. And now, after all these years, he has made peace with the situation. I realize that this is very hard for your friend. But, if she is going to find her peace with this, then she needs to forgive this man and cling to the REAL father (God) for support and strength.