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salesman
Sep 8th 2012, 07:52 PM
So, do we have to LIKE our parents?

Here is the story of my father-in-law.

My father-in-law is an opinionated man with no knowledge to back up his opinion. He frustrates my wife and causes her physical anxiety when she has to talk to him. She suffers from an incurable chronic disease. It is a burden she carries each day, and she gets by through the strength of God. He insists that if she thinks positive she would get better. It is her ATTITUDE making her sick. He tells her how she is treating her disease wrong. He is so worried about getting his opinion heard he does not hear his own daughter's thoughts and treads right over her feelings. He ignores the 15 years of doctor's opinions and tells her that she needs another medical opinion. He is not an abuser or anything, he is just unpleasant and difficult. He gets mad if my wife does not visit HIM, but he does not visit us. AND he has 9 cats to which she is allergic; so why would we want to take her into that house?

Can she honor him without liking him? Even more, can you love someone you don't like?

I know what I think, but what do you think?:B

Vhayes
Sep 8th 2012, 08:47 PM
I don't know both sides of the story obviously but from reading what you have just said, you are wrong - he IS an abuser. A psychological abuser but an abuser and can cause as much harm in not more than a physical abuser.

Can your wife "honor" him? Sure - he is her father and should be shown respect. Should she go into a house with something that causes her to have severe allergic reactions? No. Maybe a compromise is in order - she can perhaps ask him if he would be willing to come visit the two of you during the winter months so her allergies don't act up being inside a closed house and you will visit him during the spring and summer when the windows can be open or you can sit outdoors.

I'm about to tread into scary territory here because I don't know you, don't know your wife and certainly don't know what her chronic disease is - but being a sufferer from a couple of somewhat disabling things (fibromyalgia and arthritis) and having a husband with somewhat serious disabilities (two crushed disks in his back and no money for treatments/surgery as well as macular degeneration), I have a bit of insight. When you hurt all over, it's easy to get depressed. When you know there is no way what is happening to you will ever get better and will in all likelihood only get worse, it' hard to put a positive spin on it. Depression looms at the door each morning. Because of our situation, I have learned to be much more patient with people who move slowly. I have also learned that people are very resilient and learn how to cope with what is happening to them - there is much wisdom to be gained from these folks but people have to listen to learn. The one thing that seems to keep folks going is their reliance on the Lord - not really a "positive attitude" as much as a way to keep their focus on Him and not themselves, if that makes sense. Every day as I get out of bed, I grunt and groan and then say, "Lord, help me through this day. I am older and I am wearing out but I'm still here for your good pleasure. Please allow me to accomplish the tasks you would have me do this day."

It seems to help.

Tell your wife I will be praying for all of you, her father included.
V

salesman
Sep 8th 2012, 09:17 PM
I don't know both sides of the story obviously but from reading what you have just said, you are wrong - he IS an abuser. A psychological abuser but an abuser and can cause as much harm in not more than a physical abuser.

Can your wife "honor" him? Sure - he is her father and should be shown respect. Should she go into a house with something that causes her to have severe allergic reactions? No. Maybe a compromise is in order - she can perhaps ask him if he would be willing to come visit the two of you during the winter months so her allergies don't act up being inside a closed house and you will visit him during the spring and summer when the windows can be open or you can sit outdoors.

I'm about to tread into scary territory here because I don't know you, don't know your wife and certainly don't know what her chronic disease is - but being a sufferer from a couple of somewhat disabling things (fibromyalgia and arthritis) and having a husband with somewhat serious disabilities (two crushed disks in his back and no money for treatments/surgery as well as macular degeneration), I have a bit of insight. When you hurt all over, it's easy to get depressed. When you know there is no way what is happening to you will ever get better and will in all likelihood only get worse, it' hard to put a positive spin on it. Depression looms at the door each morning. Because of our situation, I have learned to be much more patient with people who move slowly. I have also learned that people are very resilient and learn how to cope with what is happening to them - there is much wisdom to be gained from these folks but people have to listen to learn. The one thing that seems to keep folks going is their reliance on the Lord - not really a "positive attitude" as much as a way to keep their focus on Him and not themselves, if that makes sense. Every day as I get out of bed, I grunt and groan and then say, "Lord, help me through this day. I am older and I am wearing out but I'm still here for your good pleasure. Please allow me to accomplish the tasks you would have me do this day."

It seems to help.

Tell your wife I will be praying for all of you, her father included.
V

Her disease is auto-immune. It is related too but not exactly Lupus. She is suffering from hardening of the lung walls and heart trouble. Obviously my father-in-laws insensitive comments do hurt. I know that. This last round of comments came after I had just brought her home form the hospital because one of her medications made her sick. It just makes him very hard to love when he tells her it is in her head andstuff like that. We have come to a place where we deal with it pretty well, I just wondering if we are honoring the LORD'S wishes. We avoid interaction so that nothing hurtful is said on either side. She never hangs up if he calls, but our side just never initiates anything anymore. I just wondered what people thought about loving the unlovable.

This thread does not need to be about us. I was wondering how other people deal with the unlovable. How do you deal with someone like this in your life?

IMINXTC
Sep 8th 2012, 09:39 PM
Sorry to hear of your wife's condition and will remember you guys in prayer.

Hoping you and your wife can reach a point, where, considering the source, you patiently ignore his remarks without shutting the door completely on him.

A very important loved one of my own is extremely judgmental and seems to complain about everyone and everything. If she will not relent from back-biting, I will, on occasion, end the converstion.

She is trying, somewhat, to stop that, however.

Vhayes
Sep 9th 2012, 02:49 AM
Two very quick thoughts and I will elaborate if you would like.

1. - It is extremely hard for a parent to see their children suffer. It is even more difficult if you think you might be the reason FOR that suffering (genetics?). This could be nothing other than a defense mechanism on your father-in-laws part. A hurtful defense mechanism but a defense mechanism none the less.

2. - Initiate contact. Make a phone call. Tell him you are thinking of him and that he is loved. If he starts a blame game or a whine-fest then tell him you are really busy and must go but you will talk with him soon. He may well be spending his days feeling un or at least under-appreciated and when he finally calls, it all comes spilling out.

Scooby_Snacks
Sep 9th 2012, 03:17 PM
So, do we have to LIKE our parents?

Here is the story of my father-in-law.

My father-in-law is an opinionated man with no knowledge to back up his opinion. He frustrates my wife and causes her physical anxiety when she has to talk to him. She suffers from an incurable chronic disease. It is a burden she carries each day, and she gets by through the strength of God. He insists that if she thinks positive she would get better. It is her ATTITUDE making her sick. He tells her how she is treating her disease wrong. He is so worried about getting his opinion heard he does not hear his own daughter's thoughts and treads right over her feelings. He ignores the 15 years of doctor's opinions and tells her that she needs another medical opinion. He is not an abuser or anything, he is just unpleasant and difficult. He gets mad if my wife does not visit HIM, but he does not visit us. AND he has 9 cats to which she is allergic; so why would we want to take her into that house?

Can she honor him without liking him? Even more, can you love someone you don't like?



I know what I think, but what do you think?:B

Hi salesman,

I can only speak from my personal experience dealing with difficult people (and others have to deal with me too...LOL)
God also has to deal with me, and how does He do this? Sometimes cold hard truth, but more often, longsuffering love and patience with truth.

I believe through God it is possible to love someone I dont like.

If I need my (fill in the blank with a significant person in your life--father mother sister brother child spouse friend)
to be a certain way for me, I will always be dissapointed.
Believe me, I have been dissapointed/hurt a whole bunch because of my own expectations of others. Still happens, but I can see what I am doing to set myself up, and basically, I am being self absorbed, most likely. That doesn't mean I dont have real needs and pain, it means I am going to the wrong source with those things.

It does not sound like your Father in Law will be changing his ways anytime soon.

So when I need someone to be a certain way and they are unwilling or unable to be, I ask God to help me detatch from the behavior that I take personally because of my own need, grieve that things are not the way I want them to be, and stick with ways of relating to them that are less personal. In other words, leave discussions that always turn out the same way out of the relationship.

My experience is that sometimes when people are in great pain themselves, to hear of others pain or be compassionate is impossible, because they are denying their own.
It is a reminder to them. An irritant.

It is difficult to have compassion on someone who is, well, a stubborn hard headed jerk. Dont set yourself up by needing them not to be the way they are.

Advice to take or leave.....
Ask him how his cats are doing. They are important to him for some reason. Ask God to help you minister to him, from a position of His love, and not your need. Meet at a neutral location and look for and point out the good in him. Know yourself and your own limits and stick to the truth in love, without fear of how he might react, trusting God to work.