View Full Version : A gay-pride lesbian has a "road to Damascus" encounter with Jesus

Feb 23rd 2003, 01:54 AM
I am not special. I have never done anything significant that would leave any kind of mark on the world. I am one of the world's "invisible" people. I was married. I raised one child. I have worked, and I have been a "stay-at-home" mom. I have lived in simple but comfortable houses and I have been homeless. I have suffered poor health, chronic fatigue, and chronic pain. I have been addicted to painkillers and I have gone through the hell of weaning myself off of them. I have struggled in my relationship with the Lord over the years, and finally walked away from Him in bitterness, anger and resentment in early 1995, tired of trying and failing, tired of all the "guesswork" involved in trying to determine His will for me and just exactly what it was He wanted from me; tired of seeing promises in His Word that never saw fulfillment in my life...tired of chasing carrots on the end of a stick that I could never quite grasp. Though I tried my best, it was not good enough. So I gave up. And I gave in. I gave in to desires I had struggled with all my life, and I entered the lesbian lifestyle with a vengeance. I was a "gay-pride", hard-core, in-your-face, make-you-squirm lesbian. I enjoyed flaunting my lesbianism, especially in the faces of Christians, with whom I wanted absolutely nothing to do. Christians had wounded me deeply "in the name of Jesus". Christians were the ENEMY! I hated Christians. I sneered at "straights", and had nothing but contempt and scorn for "bi's". Most of all, I hated men. And Jesus was "a man".

My father died when I was six years old. My mother never remarried. She went to work, and though I needed her desperately, needed her affection, needed her reassurance that she wouldn’t leave me like daddy did, she just was not there for me emotionally. She was struggling with her own emotions so desperately that she could not handle a ravenously starved for love child, and she constantly pushed me away from her. I remember sitting in the black dirt on a sweltering summer day in central Florida, looking out over the lake behind the house and feeling completely desolate, alone and empty. I was 8 years old.

Mama didn’t trust men, and she passed that distrust along to me. Men fulfilled the profile by molesting me, sexually assaulting me, using me, and verbally and psychologically abusing me. By the time I was done with my 29-year marriage, I was a basket case and I never wanted to see or speak to another man as long as I lived. I loathed men. I THREW myself into the lesbian lifestyle.

So what happened, and how did all that change?

On the night of November 22, 2000, my lover had already gone to bed and was asleep. I had the television on the Christian channel...I can't remember now exactly why. There was a program on the air, coming from a Christian college in Pensacola, Florida. Suddenly I had a vision. In my vision, I was walking down a narrow, very wet, very muddy, slippery path. On both sides of me were walls made of black, obsidian-type glass.... very smooth, very slick. There were no handholds or footholds, so there was no way to climb out of this place. The walls were so high I could not see the tops. I came to the end of the pathway, and before me lay an enormous chasm so wide and so deep that it made the Grand Canyon look like the crater of a b-b which had been dropped into wet sand. It was so vast and so deep that even the light of the sun could not penetrate its depths. As I stood on this precipice, overlooking this chasm, the voice of the Lord, gentle and kind, but very seriously said to me, "Jan, if you take ONE MORE STEP in the direction you are going, you will have made an eternal decision from which I will not be ABLE to save you."

Instantly I understood what was happening. I was being given my very last chance to turn and repent and to return to my Father's house. All kinds of thoughts raced through my head. I was head-over-heels in love with Jamie.... I had been since the second I laid eyes on her. We were soul mates and very best friends. I loved everything about her.... there was nothing about her I would have changed. Every second I spent with her was the best second of my life, and I cherished deeply each moment we shared. We lived in a 35-foot motor home and traveled around from one RV park to another, working in the parks, seeing the USA. All my dreams were wrapped up in Jamie. I wanted to grow old with her and die in her loving arms. Jamie was the first human being that had ever made me feel truly loved and accepted for who and what I was, and she never tried to change me. I knew she loved me and I felt safe in her arms. We had a life and a future together.... the two of us, and our little dog, Miss G. We didn't have much money, but we had each other, and I felt truly rich.

My thoughts raced, my head spun, my stomach turned inside out, and an icy cold hand of fear seized my heart as I considered life without Jamie, for I knew the Word of God well, and I knew exactly what the Word of God had to say about my chosen lifestyle. I knew that if I did turn around and return to my Father's house, it would mean leaving her. In turn, that would mean I instantly became homeless, with no car, no job, no money, and only a small fixed income. What was even worse, I knew that because every thing we had together was dependent on both our incomes, Jamie would lose the motor home and everything else she had worked so hard for. Accepting the consequences of my own actions was one thing, but stripping her of everything was something altogether else. On the screen of my imagination, I foresaw Jamie's reaction. How could I hurt her like that? How could I destroy her life and happiness? How could I break her heart? How could I strip away everything that was precious to her? She had always treated me the very BEST! She did not deserve to be treated like that! How could I do that to her?

A scripture started playing in my head. "Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" (Matt. 16:25-26 NIV)

My mother had died earlier in the year. I had tried to get to her before she died, but she went to be with Jesus just an hour and a half before my plane touched down. I was devastated. What was worse, I was surrounded by my family, who were all Christians. During the week I was with them, muddling through my mother's things, the issue of death confronted me. I had a soul. I had only ONE soul. I could do anything I wanted to with it, but I had to be willing to accept the consequences of my choices. For the first time in a very long time, I started thinking about what was going to happen to me when I died. Once I was dead, I was not going to get another soul, or another chance. I had no guarantees of another day or another hour of life. If God so desired, He could end my life at any time. If I gave in to God, I would be alone, on my own, in a state far distant from my family and friends. I DREADED loneliness...loneliness had brought me to the brink of suicide before I met Jamie. With Jamie, I had been the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.

But there I was, and God was waiting for an answer.... I knew that it would be my FINAL answer, and what was at stake was not some measly million dollars, like on the TV game show, but it was my LIFE that was at stake.... my Eternal destiny.

I talked to God. I told Him that IF I returned to Him, it was going to have to be just Him and me, because I wanted nothing to do with His followers. I told Him that if I gave myself to Him, it would be 100%, and that HE would have to take care of me and be responsible for me, because I had already proven I could not take care of myself. I had filed for bankruptcy in 1998 after accumulating over $60,000 in credit card debt that I could not pay. I told Him that He had to take my same-sex orientation completely away, that I did NOT want to have to struggle with that the rest of my life. I told Him that if I gave Him 100% of myself, I EXPECTED Him to give ME 100% of HIMself, and I told Him that He HAD DAMN WELL BETTER BE WORTH GIVING IT ALL UP!!!!!

And then, after I'd told Him all those things, I laid Jamie at the foot of His cross. I laid down the greatest love I had ever known up to that point, the love I so desperately clung to. I laid down the motor home, our little puppy dog, all our future plans, and hopes and dreams, all those things which were my precious treasures, everything that made my life worth living; I laid all my "gold of Ophir" in the dust at the foot of Jesus' cross.... every single thing I held precious and dear and of value. And as far as I was concerned, my life ended that night. From that point on, if I took another breath, it had to be Jesus that breathed it, because I had no will to go on. I simply could not imagine living without Jamie.

She noticed a change in me the very next day, and she asked me if she was losing me. I told her what had happened to me, and her reaction was every bit what I had imagined it would be. Her heart broke, and knowing how deeply I had hurt her made my pain so much the worse. I broke. I broke into tiny little pieces. I was Humpty-Dumpty, and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn't put me together again. I lived the next seventeen days in a blur. I never imagined that there could be such horrific pain in one's emotions. It was so much worse than any physical pain I had ever experienced, and I had experienced a LOT of that. I don't think I could say that I had peace, but somehow I knew that Jesus was going to take care of me. During that period, I contacted a couple of churches and let my circumstances be known. The Lord used people in those churches to provide a place for me to go, and on December 9, 2000, while Jamie was at work, (that was her request) I piled a few bags of clothing and a sleeping bag and pillow into the car of those God sent to help me, wept bitterly as I hugged “Miss G” for all I was worth, and rode away from the only happiness I had ever really known, into an existence I could only hope would somehow be tolerable. I never expected to know happiness again while on earth.

What happened after that, during the weeks and months that followed cannot be related here. During that time, the Lord has shown me many things, and has enabled me to finally and FULLY forgive the male gender, and specific men in particular. It’s wonderful to be free from the prison of unforgiveness. My circumstances have not always been what I might have desired them to be, but I will say that the Lord has taken VERY good care of me, and never allowed me to spend a single night on the street. I have always had food and shelter, and transportation when I needed it. I spent MONTHS in tears, sobbing my grief out before the Lord, ROARING the pain in my soul. I did not try to "keep a stiff upper lip" and act like everything was OK. I allowed myself to go through the grief and the heartbreak and I allowed HIM to break me completely. I clung to the cross of Jesus for all I was worth. I hung on the cross with Him. As I "bled" my old life out from my broken heart, the "old" Jan died, and a new person was born. Christmas Day, of 2000, I gave Jesus (for His "birthday") my identity. Within the course of the next year, He gave ME a brand new identity.

What I have discovered in the months and days since I left Jamie is that, though the pain was so excruciating, the agony so intense, THERE IS RESURRECTION LIFE on the OTHER SIDE OF THE CROSS, and JOY unimaginable!!!!! And THAT life is ABUNDANT LIFE, and THAT Joy is a wellspring, bubbling up inside me that gives me strength for each new day. In fact, the cross is the only way TO that abundant Life and Joy. Because of this discovery, I have learned to EMBRACE the cross of Christ.... I have learned to love brokenness, for though it holds pain, the pain is sweet, and the result of that brokenness and pain is intimacy with Jesus, and the result of intimacy with Jesus is ABUNDANT LIFE AND DEEP, HEARTLFELT JOY.

So has it been "worth it"? Oh YES!!! A million billion times YES. Would I go through all of it again if I knew that was the only way to have what I have with my Precious Lord Jesus now? No question.. in a heartbeat!! He is SO worth it. He has taken ALL of the "holes in my soul" and He has filled them with His wonderful love...He has satisfied COMPLETELY all the longings of my heart. He is my EVERYTHING!!!

Feb 23rd 2003, 02:10 AM
I didn't beleive in Christ until I was eight years old. My mom took me to church and slowly I began to feel the Lord work in me. My moma and I are the only beleivers besides my grandfather who passed away, God rest his soul. I met my best friend and her whole family are Christians then I become a beleiver. I felt God and Jesus in my life. Most of my family are beleived at one point but have reverted back. Amazing story thank you for sharing with a young teen like me.

Feb 23rd 2003, 02:36 AM
Thankyou so much for sharing

This does edify God's people

I pray for continued blessing for you and opertunities to share your story

Feb 23rd 2003, 03:23 AM
Wow! I am SOOOO glad you shared this amazing and awesome story with us! :) By the way you are an exclent writer and ought to look into using your talent for God...:D

Your stories turly brought tears to my eyes. I 'know' how most Christians look on gay relationships...I also know that gays can and do love each other deeply...in a way most Christian's cannot understand.

I hope no one on hear say a critcal word to you about this either.

I also know that sometimes a man or a woman has to walk away from a spouse they love because of Jesus' calling. And I know how much that hurts.

Your story is extremely powerful...I hope you have it saved on a disk to share in the future with as many as you can. You could reach people that us always 'straight' Christians could not.

I also know about those Christians that condemn and put down and I see the damage they do everyday to others...causing them to either turn away from God or never turn to him to begin with. :(

I would like to ask you what is going on in your life now, if you don't mind. What has Jesus given you to bring this joy into your life?

I am asking because I am not there yet...though I am walking with Him...I am still walking through the firery furnace, so to speak and yea it IS hard. Though He is answering my prayers...they come slowly and I know I am going through what I am going through for a reason...

So your story is very encouraging to me...gives me something more to look forward to. Like you, right now I don't expect to experience any Joy until I get to Heaven because I don't see an end to these trials I am going through. I am enduring ONLY by the grace of God at this point too.

So I am just curious as to where God has brought you now in life and blessings He has given you.

God bless you!

Feb 23rd 2003, 01:49 PM
This as a most wonderfull testimony!!!!
You now are living a life worthy of what Christ died for!!!

Feb 23rd 2003, 09:30 PM

Oh my my.....God has done and continues to do so very much in my life....I don't know where to begin. I used to be a severely, DEEPLY depressed person...I was OFTEN suicidal, almost succeeding several times....I was sometimes so depressed I was almost catatonic. I took antidepressants for over 30 years. Now Jesus has given me the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness....it does not matter what the sky is like or what the weather is like....I NEVER have a cloudy day. I have been completely off antidepressants for almost 2 years now, and I am NEVER "down" or "blue". I used to be a chronic "worry-wort", and now I NEVER worry, nor am I ever anxious about anything. Though I was homeless for over 11 months, my Jesus never let me spend a SINGLE night on the streets....I never went hungry...and when I really needed to get somewhere, there was a CADILLAC available for me to drive. I've been learning the difference between God's ways and man's ways, and the rewards of "doing things God's way" as opposed to the consequences of doing it "my way". I've been getting to know what's in my precious Savior's heart and mind toward me, and the more I learn of what's in His heart, the more I understand His nature and character and just what He is truly like, and the more of that I understand, the more I trust Him and then faith just SOARS...the better you know Him, the more you know what you can expect from Him, and the more you can rest in the safety of His strong arms. And when you REALLY UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE DEEP IN YOUR HEART just how He feels about you, you gain this incredible peace and rest, because you KNOW that He will not do ANYthing that will harm you...that He only wants good for you. The more you actually believe that in your HEART, as opposed to your HEAD, the more you will trust Him.

Oh moonglow, all I can tell you is just to talk to Him every chance you get, and talk to Him from the bottom of your heart, with 100% honesty, and you will begin a most exciting, most incredible journey into the very HEART of God that will fill up every empty place in you, that will satisfy every single longing of your heart and will bring you a security and a peace and rest that you cannot now even IMAGINE. I have found that His yoke really IS easy, and His burden really IS light. He is so awesome!!!!!:D

Oh...I wanted to thank you for your comments about my writing. I actually have been writing a book, journaling my "journey into Jesus", which has parts of my testimony in it, but I think there will be another one that tells the whole story eventually.

In His Love,

Feb 23rd 2003, 09:51 PM
Thank you cantw84heaven for those wonderful encouraging words. I do all these things now already but am going through trials I believe He needs me to go through...lessons to learn as they say.

On doing my bible study today I found something pretty interesting you and others might enjoy too.

The Hope of Eternal Life

3 All honor to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for it is by his boundless mercy that God has given us the privilege of being born again. Now we live with a wonderful expectation because Jesus Christ rose again from the dead.

4 For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for his children. It is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.

5 And God, in his mighty power, will protect you until you receive this salvation, because you are trusting him. It will be revealed on the last day for all to see.

6 So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while.

7 These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold.

So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy.

9 Your reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.

I know that was a bit long but I think this really says it all for alot of us....:D

God bless

Feb 24th 2003, 12:20 AM
press against the goads.' May the God of peace grant you peace and life everlasting.' :kiss:

Feb 24th 2003, 11:47 AM
Dear Can't wait for heaven

This is such a wonderful testimony. And so good that you put your hand in HIS. May God bless you richly and may you keep on being a blessing to others.

Would you (and everyone) also pray that my son (gay) may also have such a Damascus experience. :^ I realise all the more that this sort of lifestyle seems to become acceptable to the world - but GOD's word says NO! I pray for my son all the time - sometimes just walking in the passage and I call his name out to MY FATHER and ask HIM to intervene. I love my child so much - but I do not like his lifestyle. Please add him to your prayer list.

May God be your El-Shadai and stay beneath HIS wings.
Love in Christ:kiss:

Feb 24th 2003, 05:52 PM
will do kingskid...

God bless

Feb 24th 2003, 09:03 PM
Thank you for your reply. I want you to know that I hear your heart, and I want to encourage you to keep praying for your son. I want to tell you a true story.

It was about 6 months after I left Jamie that I was talking to a friend of mine in Oregon on the phone. This was almost a year after my mother had died. While I was with Jamie, there were times when my mom tried to talk to me about my soul, and about my sin, and I wouldn't let her. I just said to her, "Don't go there, mama." So even though she couldn't talk to me, she prayed. My friend I was talking to on the phone asked me if I knew a woman in Eugene, OR (where I used to live) named Jan P_____. I said "no, why?" She said, "well, Jan was your mother's best friend for the last several years of her life, and your mother told her some things that you need to hear." So she gave me her phone number and I called her. There were several things that she said that I needed to hear, but there was one thing in particular that happened that had a TREMENDOUS impact on me.

Mama's friend, Jan P. was getting ready to go to Italy on vacation, and she went to visit my mother in the hospital before she left. My mom told her, "Now Jan, I'm not gonna be here when you get back, but that's ok...because Jesus Himself came into my room a few nights ago, and He told me that I was like Abraham...that I was going to die, never having seen the promise fulfilled, but that it would be my DEATH that brings Jan (me) back to Him." She told Jan that the Lord told her that she was not going to see me again while on this earth, but He promised her she would see me again in Heaven. I tried hard to get to her before she died...but I was coming from Massachussetts, where Jamie and I were working in a seasonal campground, and she died just an hour and a half before my plane touched down. She was lucid and laughing and joking with my sister and family right up to the end. My sister thought it was drugs that made her so happy-go-lucky about dying (she knew she only had hours), but I know the real reason. During that night, before she died, she kept waking up and asking my sister if it was Tuesday yet (she knew I was coming on Tuesday) and my sister told her no, and then it became Tuesday, and mama kept asking her what time it was (she knew what time I expected to be there). My sister thought mama was trying to hang on till I got there, but I knew, after talking to Jan P., that because the Lord told her that she would not see me again on this earth, she knew she would die before I got there. Just an hour and a half before I landed, my mother opened her eyes, smiled real big at my sister, waved and said "bye bye", and she died.

I was absolutely DEVASTATED!!!! But in the days that followed, like I said in my testimony, I was confronted with the very REAL fact that I had a soul, that I had only ONE soul, and that I could do anything that I wanted to do with that soul, but that I had darn well better be prepared to take the consequences of my decision. That's when the scripture started playing in my head, "He that would save his life shall lose it, but he that would lose his life for My sake, shall save it...for what shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, but lose his own soul? And what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Over the next six months before I left Jamie, those words haunted me day and night, and when God gave me the vision that changed my life, those words rang in my head like a trumpet...loud and clear.

So, my dear friend...DO NOT ever get discouraged because you do not SEE any change, or any indication of a change of heart or attitude in your son. You may "go to your grave" not having seen the promise. But you keep praying, because God ANSWERS prayers...ESPECIALLY the prayers of mothers (and fathers). And He cared so much about my mother and her aching, breaking heart (over me), that Jesus Himself appeared to her in person and promised her that her prayers would be answered. She died, with great joy in her heart, because Jesus had promised her that her death would bring me back to Him. And it did. She literally, willingly, joyfully laid her life down for me.

On November 22, 2000, I laid MY life down in total, absolute surrender at the foot of the cross, and in so doing, I saved it. And I have never been sorry, and I never will be.. I died that night. I died to everything that was precious to me. But I have found something so wonderful, so precious, so valuable....for in laying down MY life, Jesus gave me HIS life...His RESURRECTION life....and that is far beyond my ability to describe. His resurrection POWER now works in my life every single day. How I love Him and praise Him!!!!

In His Love,
cantw8 (Jan H.)

Feb 24th 2003, 10:24 PM
the first time I saw it I read it as a number 'eighty-four' instead of the two digits 'eight' 'four' and missed it completely till I stopped analyzing an' just read it! Great monniker, great testimony.
Vaya con Dios.:cool:

Feb 25th 2003, 04:19 AM

Apr 12th 2003, 04:51 PM
You have INCREDIBLE, touching stories and an INCREDIBLE, touching testimony, Jan(cantw84heaven)!! YOU ARE A TRULY AMAZING WOMAN!! I am so overjoyed that you turned to the Lord Jesus! And ya know what? You came to Jesus on MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Sorry, I just think that's cool. I am still a new Christian and you and every1's testimonies are helping me soooo much to grow in the Lord and His word. Thank you so much!!!!!:kiss:
Forever in Christ,

Apr 24th 2003, 06:40 PM
BadDog ->


Whoa! What a great testimony. I hear so many people share about being gay & that this is the only way for them. What an encouraging testimony!


Aug 3rd 2007, 09:19 PM
I am really blessed that you posted this testimony and have described so well what was a very difficult and painful experience and how the Lord has supported you through it all. What you describe is very important. Thank you for taking the trouble.

Brother Mark
Aug 4th 2007, 08:48 PM
Thank you Cantw84heaven. I loved reading your testimony. I have a friend that came out of the gay lifestyle. I remember thinking as she and I talked often during that time, that she was chewing her arm off. (Animals in a trap will chew their arm off to get out.) I was amazed at how she embraced the cross and left her "lover". She wept bitterly the whole time but wanted to be free and God set her free. The cross is painful. But resurrection life is worth it.

Aug 5th 2007, 05:15 AM
Amen, and amen!!! :pp Praise the Lord for your joy and the salvation of your soul! Thank you so much for sharing that. I rejoiced with you when I read your words that at the end of that suffering, on the other side of the cross, there is unspeakable joy! Indeed there is, for the joy set before Jesus, he endure the cross! He KNEW what awaited Him on the other side of that cross. :) And now so do you.:hug:
I know your testimony will be a great blessing to others, don't ever stop preachin that gospel message. As I know it is for me and hopefully for an angry ex-christian that I know. Because you have shared what you have, I am renewed in my desire to pray for this angry embittered woman, whom I believe is so near to the same path you were on. I pray that she too finds forgiveness in her heart that she also may find her way back to our Lord.
Her name is Jo Anne, if you will please keep her in your prayers, I will appreciate it. Thank you, and God Bless you sister.:)

Aug 5th 2007, 12:31 PM
Attn: James, Brother Mark, and Saved7,
I too was deeply touched by this sister's testimony. One of the most powerful I have ever read. Such profound pain described, such a child-like faith in our Redeemer and oh, such wisdom given to her! But, did you not notice that her last post was March 2003? When I realized this I felt grief and loss. In one of her posts someone marveled at her writing ability and she simply stated that her story perhaps would be left for another to tell in more detail. I can't help it, but I find myself wanting to hear more. I liken it to having started a really good, out of print, book only to have it stolen before being able to finish it. Does anyone on the board know if she is still with us? Truly one I will look forward to meeting when we are taken home.

Manasseh's Warrior
Aug 5th 2007, 06:28 PM

AWESOME testimony, just awesome.... thank you so much for sharing it.
And as someone else pointed out, you are a very good writer and I feel you could use this gift to greatly bless a lot more people than just us here on this message board.

I could relate to almost everything you wrote about,and it was so..... ? what is the right word.... just so validating, to hear that someone else has traveled thru similar sufferings and pain and loss.... TO have Jesus reveal Himself in a mighty way, and help pull you from the pit and turn your "ashes for beauty."

God bless you for sharing and I again urge you to consider submiting your testimony to some Christian magazines, for starters.

Jeanne D
Aug 5th 2007, 08:20 PM
I was moved to tears by your testimony. God bless you dear sister-in-the-Lord!
May I ask whatever happened to Jamie? I am praying that she finds the Lord.


Aug 11th 2007, 06:18 PM
I just found an email that brought me to this site. Here I found several people who have been very blessed by my testimony on www.shelovesgod.com (http://www.shelovesgod.com) (or did I post it here? I can't remember). I was using the ID "cantw84heaven" at that time. Goodness...it's been quite awhile since I used that ID.

For those who might still be curious, YES, I am still walking with Jesus. In fact, I'm getting ready to go to the mission field in Argentina the latter part of October. God has been SO GOOD to me. My life has taken many twists and turns in the last almost 7 years since I left "Jamie", but every twist and every turn has been walking in the footsteps of Jesus as He continually leads and guides every step of the way. His faithfulness to me has been just mind-boggling.

"Jamie" still has not turned to Jesus (yet) but even if I never see her come to know the Lord, I KNOW that she WILL, because I have Abba's word on it. She still lives in Florida, with her new partner. I hear from her maybe a couple times a year.

While I am in Argentina, I do intend to finish the book I've started. I already have a publisher waiting for me to finish it.

Thank you so much for your interest and your concern. Just for information's sake, I'm currently living in Springfield, Oregon. If you want to email me directly, you can find my email address at
http://www.shelovesgod.com/library/testimony.cfm?articleid=4556 at the bottom of the page. You can contact me directly from there.

God bless you richly...and thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.

Jan Holmes Jacobs
(formerly cantw84heaven)

Aug 11th 2007, 07:16 PM
Heheheheheh....I just went back to page one and noticed that I DID post my testimony here. I'd forgotten. Oh well, some have "senior moments" and some have "senior DAYS". :blush:


Aug 12th 2007, 02:16 AM
Brother Mark said... I was amazed at how she embraced the cross and left her "lover". She wept bitterly the whole time but wanted to be free and God set her free. The cross is painful. But resurrection life is worth it.

Bro Mark....

I can't begin to tell you how bitterly I wept for months and months. The cross was INDEED painful...I can remember it so clearly. I hope I never have to go through anything like that again. But, YES!!!! The resurrection life is SO WORTH IT!!!

About 16 months after I left Jamie, I wrote this poem...or I should say, the Lord GAVE me this poem. I started out to write one thing, and the Holy Spirit just took over and started giving me the next words. The poem didn't go where I thought it would go, but to this day this poem touches my heart so deeply that it is impossible for me to read it without crying.

Worth It
By Jan Holmes Jacobs
Copyright April 2002
All rights reserved

Jesus, I've been thinkin' about the price I've paid...
About the things that I've laid down and the sacrifice I've made.
I think about the love I knew.I thought it was so sweet.
I thought I had true happiness, I thought my life complete.
I thought I'd found security within her loving arms.
I thought I'd found protection from a world of hurt and harms.
I thought I was so happy; my life was going well
Until the night You stopped me on that slippery road to hell.
You were so kind and gentle when You let me hear Your voice
But I knew You were serious; I had to make a choice.

You said, "Don't take another step. You'll be forever lost.
I want your final answer NOW. You'd better count the cost!
My mercy and my grace are here. Oh Child, please don't refuse it!
Remember that the one who would preserve his life shall lose it.
But Child, if you will lay it down, surrender it to Me,
I promise you that you will save your life eternally.
If this whole world should be your gain, what will it profit thee,
If in the end your SOUL is lost, for all eternity?"

And as He waited there I knew the choice I had to make..
Though it would cost my very life, I'd lose it for His sake.
I didn't really know Him, didn't trust, did not adore Him.
I doubted He was really worth the price that I paid for Him.
I told Him "You had better be worth what I'm giving up!!"
And then in fear and trembling, I drank the bitter cup.

The cup held days of deepest grief, and nights of anguished sorrow;
And desperately I clung to Him and waited for the morrow.
And as I died that horrible death, I counted all as loss;
And in my darkness there I learned how to embrace the cross.

When patience had her perfect work, and death had finally come,
I heard my Jesus sweetly call, "My Child, come out 'the tomb"
And suddenly His Spirit came with resurrection power
And LIFE and HOPE and JOY and PEACE were MINE that very hour!!

The morning broke! The light had dawned!! HIS life began to POUR
Into my broken spirit, and my heart began to SOAR!!
On angel's wings He lifted me, to realms of Heavenly bliss.
And there before the Father's throne He WED me with a kiss!!!

And as I danced there with my Lord, in highest praise and worship,
He looked intently in my eyes, and asked, "Child, was I worth it?"

My answer to that question is an eternally resounding YES!!!!! A million billion times YES!!!!! Surrendering to Him was the BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE and I have never regretted it for a second.

aka Cantw84heaven

Aug 12th 2007, 02:28 AM
I haven't been here in several years. I left Indiana in 2003 and have lived back in Florida (not where Jamie is) and then in 2005 I moved back to Oregon. But through it all, I have kept walking with Jesus....I could not possibly leave Him....He is my life.

Thank you so much for your interest and concern. I am so glad to be able to report that I'm still walking in victory and praising Him.

aka Cantw84heaven

Aug 12th 2007, 02:37 AM
To all the rest of you who wrote recently....I am SO BLESSED by your kind words. Coming here today just "made my day"....no, it "made my whole WEEK!!!" What an encouragement to me today!!!

I've had a rough week. I have fibromyalgia really severely, and I've been in a "flare" for 14 months now. The doctor put me on morphine a year ago, and of course, I became physically dependent on it. I had to "kick" it before, but it took a long time and I didn't want to go through that again, so with Abba holding my hand, I decided to kick it "cold turkey". It's been a week now since I last took any, and I think I'm through the worst of the withdrawal, but the last week has been pretty miserable. I'm still in a lot of pain, but it's fibro pain, not withdrawal pain.

Finding your sweet comments has really boosted my spirit. :) Thank you all. I think I'll start coming back on a regular basis.


Aug 13th 2007, 04:01 PM
Just wanted to say your testimony is NEEDED by SO many........thank you for allowing GOD to work through you for others in need of hearing this. Continuing to lift you up in prayer.:pray:

Aug 15th 2007, 11:04 AM
I think sometimes people forget God still intervenes like this.
I have my fair share of things I've seen, but this isn't the thread for that.
I'm not surprised by these anymore; but nevertheless, I am always blessed by them. Funny how much we can change.

Beloved by God
Aug 17th 2007, 03:24 AM

Your story brings me to tears. I have a cousin who is in the gay lifestyle. He is living with his partner and I do fear for him, he is sooooo depressed and bitter. Will you please pray for him? And also, when your fibromyalgia kicks up, will you pray for others who have that disease? My mother has it and I know you guys need all the prayer you can get. I'll add that to my prayer list.

I do believe God has great things in store for you. I bet you are touching lives and making great changes, even if you do not realize it. Your story is amazing in it's self. Please keep telling it. I hope God keeps blessing you.

Lots of love,

Aug 17th 2007, 09:15 PM
I have learned to love brokenness, for though it holds pain, the pain is sweet, and the result of that brokenness and pain is intimacy with Jesus, and the result of intimacy with Jesus is ABUNDANT LIFE AND DEEP, HEARTLFELT JOY.

A beautiful truth, amen.

Aug 17th 2007, 09:22 PM
I'm so glad you came back Hootinannie! Your testimony, and your beautiful poem, both made me cry. Please stick around... oh, and I'll pray for you, your health, your upcoming ministry, and for Jamie's salvation too.

God bless you sister.

Aug 21st 2007, 06:35 AM
Dear sister;

How deeply your sentiments have touched my heart....and how deeply the Holy Spirit can move us into places which we never thought imaginable!!!

The Holy Spirit truly blessed me through your testimony. This life is so filled with chaos that it's often hard to imagine finding solace ANYWHERE...even when you think you have found it, if it is apart from God, it is bound to shatter.

Chaos Theory says that even in a whirlwind of utter randomness, there is still a pattern of underlying order. I think the same can be said spiritually, as well.
Even in the most chaotic and uneasy circumstances, God sees a pattern, and can control the events in our life to bring us to Himself, and the absolute joy that comes with knowing Him.

Apart from God, we may feel like we are truly happy, but if God is not at the center of this happiness, then it is all an illusion...random chaos with no order.

Your testimony is proof that through all the chaos...through all the muck and mire that we track through this God-forsaken world...that God can work, in His perfect order, to bring us to a point of reckoning, and give our lives much-needed solace.

I have found a perfect peace in our Lord Jesus Christ...a peace which passes ALL human understanding...a peace that exists according to His divine order....and it appears that you have, as well.

God bless you for sharing, and may God bless you in your endeavors on the mission field.

I will be praying for you, my dear sister. You are truly beloved of God.

Love in Christ

Aug 24th 2007, 02:41 PM
What an amazing post and story. You are very brave and I am glad to see God intervened in your life in this way.

Aug 24th 2007, 09:36 PM
Thank you so much for your post. I love reading other peoples testimonies. They encourage me to witness more and be a better Christian. It brough me to tears....what a blessing!

May God bless and keep you.


Sep 11th 2007, 06:46 AM
I just wanted to thank all of you who have posted replies to my testimony, and who have prayed and are praying for me. I wanted to let you know that I was indeed successful in kicking the morphine dependency and am now morphine-free. Praise God!

The people in Argentina changed their minds about needing my help. I was VERY disappointed, but I know that Abba loves me and I am secure in His love. And I know that He has His reasons for doing things, so I took it to the altar a couple Sundays ago and left it there. If He restores it to me, I am ready to go anywhere He wants, anytime He wants me to...and if He never restores it, then praise Him anyway. I have my joy back. I did not understand why, when He had been opening all the doors, that all of a sudden the open doors slammed shut. But one thing I've learned is that I don't NEED to understand. He doesn't OWE me any explanations. He is the potter, I am the clay. It is enough that He loves me.

Sep 11th 2007, 06:30 PM
Preach it sister!!! And praise God Almighty that you are free of that addiction!!:pp:pp Glad you came back, I thought you testified and left, glad I was wrong, your testimony is so powerful, and I think your life experience could really be of use to the body of Christ. Thank you for your testimony.:hug:

Ps. I think that there is someone (in particular) that you could be a far better help to than I, so may I suggest that you pay a visit to the New In Christ Forum here? It's kind of funny you came back when you did, because you were the first person I thought of when I saw his post....can gay's go to heaven? In the new in Christ forum.

Sep 13th 2007, 09:05 PM
Hi...thanks for the welcome back. I did go to the thread you mentioned and have been posting there today. I don't think it's what he wants to hear, but it's the truth. I would appreciate your feedback on what I wrote him, if you would. :)