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Why I am still here...


  • Why I am still here

    When I was a child I grew up in a family where there was much abuse. It was so bad, that at the age of 12 I was ready to commit suicide. Then one day I was walking through a park when a tree nearly fell on top of me. It was so close that I felt it brush the back of my shirt. It was no small tree, and standing with my toes against the bark, I looked up into heaven to give God a message. I shouted “You missed.”

    Now I knew that if God wanted me, he wouldn’t have missed. So I had to live out my life wondering why I was still here. At the age of 16 I was finally taken from my parents. I lived in a boys home for many years. While I was there I was tortured by another boy who only came in for a very short time. He went as far as to put a gun to my head, and I begged him to shoot me, but he didn’t. Again I was left to wonder why I am still here.

    I had a mother who taught me how to steal, and I was constantly in trouble. It was a wonder I didn’t get shot breaking into someone’s house.

    I was fortunate enough to be adopted by someone even though it wasn’t a binding adoption. This person was a single male. This person only had a God binding love towards me as he saw the pain I had suffered in life. This was about the only good thing that happened to me, as this person was bent on getting me closer to God. I could not because I was angry with God.

    I grew up and started working, doing my own thing, which was filled with sin. I worked bridge construction at first, and finally quit when one day when I nearly fell 250 feet into a busy interstate below. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t allow myself to fall. I guess it was because I was more concerned about what would happen to the people below more than I was about myself. During the incident I also had a nail hit me in the chest right where my heart is located. It just happened to hit me in a rib instead of hitting my heart. Two chances to die, and I again missed them both.

    I have a bad habit of falling asleep while I drive. I can’t count the times that I woke to barely missing a parked car on the side of the road, or some other obstruction. I wrecked two vehicles because of this. One time, had I not laid down into the seat, my head would have been crushed.

    One time I was with some friends running amuck inside of a bridge that was being constructed. This was a huge bridge, and the frame was build with an internal structure so it could be accessed for inspection. Like a fool we were running as fast as we could in the dark interior and I nearly ran out the end of it where it was incomplete. I could have fallen to my death, but for some reason I was able to catch myself.

    My friend who adopted me was able to reach my heart, and I did get closer to God eventually, and now I seem to understand that God will take me when he is ready. I have found myself doing the most extraordinary things. I went to Little Rock, Arkansas back when it was the “Murder Capital” of the US. I did much work with trying to get the gangs out of Little Rock. I made a great friend who was the brother of a gang member. He became a nurse, and got married, and has children now.

    I also took on a project to put a roof on a widow’s house in Texas, right in the middle of Tornado Alley. I remember working so hard with the volunteers to get the job done. I managed to fall off her roof, onto the latter that fell out from under me. I hit the latter so hard that I flattened one of the aluminum rungs on it, and then bounced three feet into the air. Everyone came running up thinking I had destroyed my back. I rolled off the latter and assessed my damages, and realized I was able to move. I got up and sat on a bucket for about 30 minutes, then got right back up on her roof to finish the job. I was dedicated to completing this job, even after all the other volunteers had quit. By the second week I was by myself working to complete the task. It would start raining around 2am and I would get up, drive several miles to her house and make sure the plastic was good and secure. Remember, I said this was Tornado Alley? It would be raining and lighting so fierce, but I had no choice. I would not be the one to lose this fight to get the job done. I remember one time I stood up tall in the middle of a lighting storm and rose my hammer into the air and said a quick prayer to God. I said, “God, this is between you, me, and this roof. I say this roof wins.” It did. It took me another 3 weeks to finish that roof, and it never once leaked on the widow. When I was done, she was so grateful, she gave me her husband’s watch. I know it was expensive, and I didn’t do the job to get anything, but I wear this watch as a part of my heart. It’s like a badge of honor to me, and I earned it. I have had to fix it twice because it got broke going through metal detectors at work.

    That was when I wrestled with God, and won. I will never forget that experience. I still have to wrestle from time to time with him, but I belong to him, and today I strive to do his will. I don’t get it right all the time, but with the help of his Word, I am able to stay in his grace, for he desires Mercy, not sacrifice. Oh, and I am still alive –in more ways than one.

    One lesson that I had to learn is that "It rains on the good as well as the bad." God does what he can to correct the ones he loves, and though I am one of the loved ones, sometimes I am used in a situation where God is trying to correct someone else. It doesn't feel good when it happens, but I know he loves me, and today, that is good enough for me.

    • James Strom
      James Strom commented
      Editing a comment
      God wants to use in some kind of a way for is greatness.

      fight all your battles on your kness and god will give the power to deal with all your dealling with.

    • Christ-bearer
      Christ-bearer commented
      Editing a comment
      "And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death." Revelation 12:11

      Thanks for sharing! God bless you!

    • athompson2682
      athompson2682 commented
      Editing a comment
      I'am very moved by that. I can identify with you. God bless thank you
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