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The Testimony of a Rock and Roll Child


  • The Testimony of a Rock and Roll Child


    Many Christians are of the opinion that the longer a person puts off coming to Christ the less likely it becomes of their ever doing so and I'm among them. I also believe that Christians who convert relatively late in life may be required to pay a far higher price for the follies of their pre-Christian existence than more youthful converts, especially if these include alcohol, drugs, fornication, and involvement in the occult. God can and does heal Christians damaged by their pre-conversion sins but He's not obliged to do so as his Grace is sufficient.

    The Testimony of a Rock and Roll Child

    The period embracing the autumn of 1992 and the first few weeks of winter '93 may well have been the most debauched of my entire existence.

    As I recall, there'd be mornings I'd get up early, possibly about six, and then prepare myself for a day ahead with a bottle of wine, usually fortified. Then I'd keep my units topped up with spirits, vodka, gin or whatever, taking regular swigs from the miniatures I liked to have with me at all times. Some evenings I'd spend in central London, others with my new friends from the suburban university where I'd recently become a student, and we were a close and pretty wild crowd for a while. There were times in town when I couldn't keep the booze down, so I'd order a king-sized cola from McDonald's, which I'd then lace with spirits before cautiously sipping from it through a straw. I was a euphoric drunk and so almost never unpleasant...but I was unpredictable...a true Dionysian who'd cry out on a British Rail train in the middle of the afternoon, causing passengers to flinch with alarm...or perform a wild disjointed Karate kick into thin air on a crowded London street. One afternoon I savagely tore at my trousers after having arrived too late for an audition and a barman who served me later on in the day asked me if I'd been involved in a fight...and then there was the shameful night at Waterloo station (or was it Liverpool Street?) that I had to be escorted across the concourse to my train by one of the rough sleepers who used to frequent mainline stations back then, bless his restless soul.

    However, all these insane incidents came to a head one night in early 1993 in an Indian restaurant in Hampton Court close to the Surrey-London border. I'd been dining there with two female friends when, suddenly feeling like pure death, I asked the one closest to me whether I looked as bad as I felt. She told me I did, so I got up from the table, walked a few paces and then collapsed as if stone dead in the middle of the restaurant. I was then carried bodily out into the fresh night air by two or three Indian waiters, one of whom set about shocking some life back into me by flicking ice cold water in my face. “Don't give up,” he pleaded, his voice betraying true concern...and in time thanks to him some semblance of life returned, and I was well enough to be driven home.
    Yet, within two days I was drinking as heavily as before, continuing to do so virtually around the clock until the weekend. I then spent Saturday evening with my close friend from the restaurant. And at some point in what I believe to have been the morning of the 17th of January 1993, I asked her to fill a long glass with neat gin and each sip took me further and further into the desired state of blissful forgetfulness.
    I awoke elated as I recall, which was normal for me following a lengthy binge. I'd reserved Sunday for drying out, and so probably spent it writing as well as cleaning up the accumulated chaos of the past week.

    One thing I definitely did was listen to a radio documentary on the legendary L.A. Rock band the Doors which I'd taped some weeks or perhaps months earlier. I especially savoured When the Music's Over from what was then one of my favourite albums, Strange Days, released in the wake of the Summer of Love on my 12th birthday, 7 October 1967. This apocalyptic epic with its unearthly screams and ecstatically discordant guitar solo seemed to me about living in the shadow of death, beckoning death, mocking death, defying death.

    I powerfully identified with the Doors' gifted singer Jim Morrison, who'd been drawn as a very young man to poet-thinkers of a peculiar intensity, such as Blake, Nietzsche, Rimbaud, Artaud, whose works have the power to change lives, as they surely did Morrison's. As well as the writers of the Beat Generation, themselves to some degree children of so-called poètes maudits such as Rimbaud. His philosophy of life was clearly informed by Blake, who wrote of “the road of excess” leading to “the palace of wisdom,” while his hell raising persona came to a degree from Rimbaud, who extolled the virtues of “a long, immense and systematic derangement of all the senses” as an angel-faced hooligan in the Paris of the early 1870s. What a price he paid...dead at just Jones, Hendrix, Joplin before him, and so the '60s dream was revealed as the beguiling chimera it'd been all along.

    After having spent the day revelling in my own inane notion of myself as a poet on the edge like my heroes, at some point in the early evening I got what I'd been courting for so intimation of early death, when for pretty well the first time in my life alcohol stopped being my beloved elixir and became a mortal enemy, as my life force seemed to recede at a furious and terrifying rate. In a blind panic, I opened a spare bottle of sparkling wine I had about the house even though I'd hoped not to have to drink that day. Once I'd drained it, I felt better for a while, in fact so much so that I took a few snaps of myself lounging around looking haggard and unshaven, with freshly cropped hair.

    Soon after this macabre photo session I set off in search of more alcohol. Arriving at a local delicatessen, the soft-spoken Asian shop keeper nervously told me that the off-license wasn't open for some time yet. There was nothing for me to do but take refuge on a nearby green, where I lay for a while, still dressed I imagine in the shabby white cut-offs I'd been wearing earlier. Finally, the offie opened and I was able to buy more booze. I can't remember what I bought, but I think it may have been a litre of gin, because that's what I was guzzling from the next day. One of the last things I remember doing on Sunday evening was singing hymns in a nearby Methodist church as the tears flowed.

    I've no further memory of what happened that hellish night, but there were many such nights ahead. At least one of these saw me endlessly pacing up and down corridors and stairs in an attempt to stay conscious and so - as I saw it - not die...and each time I shut my eyes I could have sworn I saw demonic entities beckoning me into a bottomless black abyss. I set about ridding my house of artefacts I somehow knew to be offensive to God from what I think was the night of the 17th/18th onwards.

    Many books were destroyed...books on astrology and numerology and other mystical and occult subjects, books on war and crime and atrocity, and books about artists some call accursed for their kinship with drunkenness and madness and death.

    I genuinely believe though that for all the horrors I underwent, it was during that first night that I came to accept Christ as my Saviour. Had my violent conversion not come about when it did, I might have been lost forever, depending of course on where a person stands on the issue of Predestination and Free Will, but I'd have surely immersed myself in the new Bohemianism of the 1990s. The adversary values of the sixties had apparently vanished by about 1973, when in fact they'd simply gone back underground, where they set about fertilising new anti-establishment clans such as the Anarcho-Punks and the New Age Travellers who quietly flourished throughout the '80s. Around '92, some kind of amalgam between these tribes and the growing Rave-Dance movement could be said to have produced yet another great counterculture, and I was ready…ready as I'd never been to take my place as a zealot of this New Edge, only to be delivered from its seductive grasp by a violent “Road to Damascus” conversion to Christianity. However, if I'd been reborn against all the odds, I still had to suffer in the physical, if only briefly.

    Many Christians are of the opinion that the longer a person puts off coming to Christ the less likely it becomes of their ever doing so and I'm among them. I also believe that Christians who convert relatively late in life may be required to pay a far higher price for the follies of their pre-Christian existence than more youthful converts, especially if these include alcohol, drugs, fornication, and involvement in the occult. God can and does heal Christians damaged by their pre-conversion sins but He's not obliged to do so as his Grace is sufficient, so while I was almost certainly already a Christian by the morning of the 18th, my ordeal was far from over. I somehow made it into New Eltham that Monday morning for classes at the university; but by evening I felt so ill I started swigging from my litre bottle of gin. I also phoned Alcoholics Anonymous at my mother's request, and agreed to give a meeting a shot.

    Next day, on the way to Twickenham, I got the feeling my heart was about to explode, not just once but over and over again. Afterwards, I tried walking through the town centre, but my legs felt strangely detached from me; and I was struggling to stay conscious, so I ended up ordering a double brandy from the pub next door to the Police Station. I was shaking so much the landlord thought I was fresh from an interrogation session. Later, I was thrown out of another pub for preaching at the top of my voice, then, walking through Twickenham town centre I started making the sign of the cross to passers-by, telling one poor young guy never to take to drink like some kind of walking advert for temperance and he nodded without saying a word before scurrying away.

    Back home, in an effort to calm myself down, I dug out an old capsule of Chlomethiazole, a sedative commonly used in treating and controlling the effects of acute alcohol withdrawal, but dangerous, in fact potentially fatal, when used in conjunction with alcohol. I still had some capsules left over from about 1990 when I'd been prescribed them by my then doctor, which meant they'd long gone beyond their expiry date. For a time I felt better and was able to sleep, but soon after waking I felt worse than ever. Later, at an AA meeting, I kept leaving the room to douse my head in cold water, anything to shock some life back into me, to the dismay of my sponsor who wanted me to stay put, as if doing so would exert a healing effect.

    Wednesday morning saw me pacing the office of the first available doctor, and it may have been touch and go as to whether I was going to stay on my feet or overdose on the spot and die on him. It was he who prescribed me the Valium which caused me to fall into a deep, deep sleep which may have saved my life, and from which I awoke to sense that a frontier had been passed and that I was out of danger at long last.
    To reiterate an earlier assertion...there is a widely held belief within Christianity that the sooner a person comes to Christ the better when it comes to their immortal soul. The same could be said for their subsequent relationship with God. There may for example be serious health problems resulting from a former self-destructive lifestyle which could damage their effectiveness as Christian witnesses.

    On the other hand, one possible advantage of being a late convert is a testimony with the power to cause those normally sceptical of the transforming power of the born again experience to sit up and take notice. Such as that of a rescued Rock and Roll child...raised in an age in which messages of revolt...and defiance of all forms of authority, society, the family, God himself were being spread by an adversary culture led by Rock music. We drank deeply we children of the sixties from the spiritual darkness that was all around from about '65 onwards, and it affected us in ways I believe to be unique to us. That darkness has been a thorn in my flesh ever since my first days as a Christian, when I suffered from panic attacks that at one stage could be triggered simply by venturing beyond my front door, and I've never been able to fully throw it off.

    I struggled on with the course, partly in Twickenham, partly in New Eltham, while Attending occasional drugs and alcohol counselling sessions at a church in nearby Greenwich with a lovely blonde woman of about 45 with a soft and soothing London accent and the gentlest pale blue eyes imaginable.
    The only time I ever knew her to lose her composure was when I announced over the phone that a matter of hours after deciding of my own volition to stop taking Diazepam, I'd switched to Chlomethiazole...unaware at the time that when it interacts with Valium, it can be fatal. However, enough time had passed between my taking the capsule and calling her for me to be out of acute danger, and I can recall her literally laughing with relief at this realisation.

    Towards the end of '94 I started suffering from deep tormenting spiritual problems for which I'd ultimately seek a solution in the shape of what is known as Deliverance Ministry. This came first through a venerable evangelist who laid hands on me after lunch at his home deep in the heart of the Devonshire countryside…but there were further of these taking place at night in a beautiful old Anglican church with just myself, the vicar, and the vicar's wife in attendance.

    Also, I badly missed the relaxation alcohol once provided me with following my work on stage, and the revels extending deep into the night during which I'd throw my youth and affections about me like some kind of maniacal gambler. I'd boxed myself into the position of no longer being able to enjoy social situations as others do, nor to relax. This may have been something to do with what the state of my endorphins, the body's natural feel-good chemicals, there being a theory doing the rounds today that these can be permanently depleted by long-term abuse of alcohol and other narcotics...but I'm in no position to either endorse nor dismiss it myself.

    Release from what had become a torturous dungeon of sobriety came when a guy I'd only just met offered to buy me a drink and I asked for a glass of wine. Apart from the time at my parents' house a few weeks earlier when I took a swig of what I thought was water but which turned out to be vodka or gin, this was the first alcohol to pass my lips since January '93.

    This single glass of wine made me feel amazing, doubly so given the purity of my system. I cycled home that night in a state of total rapture, feeling for the first time in months that I could do anything. Over the next few week my drinking increased, reaching a climax in a pub in Twickenham where I met an old university friend who'd just completed a course at a college in nearby Strawberry Hill, and where I drank and smoked myself into a stupor.

    Cycling home afterwards, I took a bend near Hampton Wick and came off my bike, striking my head against a bus shelter. I stayed flat on my back for a while abject and stinking of drink - I could've sworn I saw a shadowy figure running towards me as I lay there in the dark - but before long I was shakily resuming my journey home. However, weeks of controlled drinking and one massive binge, possibly combined with the ill effects of a violent blow to the head, resulted in my becoming ill and virtually incapacitated for what might have been as long as a fortnight. Time and again during this awful period I can recall awakening from a feverish semi-sleep, as if a single further second of consciousness was beyond me; and yet each time I did, it's as if the Lord breathed life back into me...and the faintness and terror of dying subsided. All I could do was lie around, waiting, praying for a return to normality...and when this came, I determined never to drink again as long as I lived. And despite further lesser relapses, I'm now a hundred per cent sober.


    Many might be forgiven for suggesting that my walk with God has not been an easy one, and I'd be forced to agree with them. This may be at least partly attributable to the fact that I came to faith relatively late. The Bible warns that each person who rejects the sovereignty of the fleshly realm for Jesus' sake will undergo much tribulation and persecution. Perhaps this is especially true of repentant Christians who accept Christ following a relatively long period of time within the decadent heart of the world as avid flunkies of the Flesh. However, as comfort these late converts possess a true and infinitely worthwhile purpose in life. This was something that ever eluded me in my youth, for all the fierce, flaming fanaticism I lent my ideals, whether artistic, intellectual, political or whatever and yet which amounted in the end to precisely nothing.

    There are those who might look at me and see an individual who treated some of the most precious gifts a person can be blessed with during the prime of their young life with a nonchalance so utterly cavalier as amount to blatant contempt. In terms of natural endowment, these would include the kind of intelligence that produced an articulate speaker at just two years old, as well as health so robust that all serious childhood sicknesses were kept at bay until I was 13, when I caught meningitis following a spell as a foreign exchange student in St Malo off the Brittany coast.

    These theoretical critics of mine might make mention of the fact that for all my lavish good fortune, I've finished up haunted by the past, and tormented in the present by unfathomable regret. That is far, far from the way I view my situation. While I won't deny that I'm inclined to the occasional remorseful mood, the fact remains that my soul has been salvaged not lost which means that one day all my tears will be wiped away for all eternity. At least, that is my hope.

    As for my supposed melancholia, this particular thorn in the flesh has been afflicting Christians for centuries. To cite some examples for the sceptical…Martin Luther suffered for much of his life from a tendency towards dejection of spirits which he attributed to a variety of causes including spiritual oppression in the realm of the mind, founder of the Quaker movement George Fox was a “man of sorrows” by his own admission in the early days of his walk with God, poet and hymnodist William Cowper was a lifelong depressive who endlessly doubted his own eternal salvation, Prince of Preachers Charles Spurgeon was prone to inexplicable anguish accompanied by lengthy bouts of solitary weeping and so on and so on. What though are the tears and trials of this brief life when compared to the fathomless joy that awaits the true Believer in Heaven?

    • Carl Halling
      Carl Halling commented
      Editing a comment
      Re: You Mean: I'm Not Alone In The Dark Night Of The Soul?

      Hi Phil
      Great to hear from you, thanks for posting. I feel honoured my post resonated with you deeply. Ah, Christian Progressive Rock, I've been listening to some recently, much of it excellent. I'm a great admirer of Phil Keaggy's. I feel the same, the battle has been formidable, even though it's been 20 years old now. Mind you, I was 37 in the world. I have those good days too, when I'm reminded of just how merciful and long-suffering God is. And there's fresh hope.
      Re. Philippians 4:8:
      "Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious––the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."
      I'll admit I'm still drawn to the wrong books, wrong movies, and so on. And that's doing me no favours.
      But you are right, God expects no less; and I, any Christian, keeps filling their minds and souls with darkness, they have no right to complain, or blame God for their lack of spiritual progress.
      Thanks again, Phil, for your brilliant response to my post; and as I feel highly honoured it touched you as it did.

    • PhoToArTisTPhiL
      PhoToArTisTPhiL commented
      Editing a comment
      Restoring Our Souls

      Hey Carl.


      I've been a fan of Phil Keaggy's legendary guitar stylings ever since his Glass Harp days. In fact, I count myself amongst a minority of CCM aficionados who think that the albums that Phil recorded with Glass Harp:

      • The band's self-titled debut
      It Makes Me Glad

      Showcase his finest work. There is an ethereal, atmospheric edge to his guitar playing on those 3 albums that I find utterly enchanting.

      Anyway, pursuant to your post:


      Another very fine Christian alternative rock band is The Choir. And on their critically-acclaimed album Circle Slide, drummer/lyricist Steve Hindalong and guitarist Derri Daugherty collaborate to write a most revealing song entitled Restore My Soul. This track is a tour de force of Daugherty's tantalizing reverb guitar work. But oh, the lyrics, Carl! Hindalong's penetrating, heart-on-his-sleeve lyrics are quite simply brilliant. And they perfect underscore the dark nights of the soul that you and I have experienced. Check it out:

      "I call to you
      With one lung exploded
      From breathing the dust of the earth
      With my tongue eroded
      From licking the crust of the earth

      "A tear away from reconciled
      A prayer away from whole
      Restore my soul

      "I cry to you
      With two eardrums blistered
      From laughing with preachers of night
      With my vertebrae twisted
      From dancing with creatures of night

      "A day away from sanctified
      A breath away from whole
      Restore my soul

      "I crawl to you
      With ten fingers smoking
      From turning the pages of sin
      With my spirit choking
      From earning the wages of sin

      "A bridge away from justified
      A step away from whole
      Restore my soul."

      Click image for larger version

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      Here's the thing, Carl:

      Restore My Soul doesn't shy away from the uncomfortable reality that many of our 'dark nights' are self-perpetuated. We become victims of our own poor moral decision-making.

      I confess that I never understood just how crucial each and every moral choice we make truly is. Even the seemingly inconsequential ones. ESPECIALLY the seemingly inconsequential ones. And then one day, relatively recently, I read this astonishing statement by the 'Mind Awake' himself, C.S. Lewis, and the scales fell from my eyes:

      "Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible."

      Wow! No wonder the apostle Paul admonishes us in Romans 6: "That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don’t give it the time of day. Don’t even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life."

      It really is for all the marbles, isn't it? All the more reason to tune in the still, small voice of the 3rd Person of the Trinity as He nudges us away from sin and towards holiness. And He will do this for us if we ask Him. And He WANTS us to ask Him. The question is: Do we want Him to do this for us? Put another way: Do we really wish to become saints? Because that is what Christ redeemed us for. Conversely, I think that we need to be alert to the devil's whispers in our ears, and see them for what they truly are: subversive lies, rather than merely our own heart's dark inclinations. I have actually asked God to flag me to THIS phenomenon as well. And He mercifully has. And guess what? He wants us to ask Him to do THIS for us, too.

      <contemplative smile>

      Hang tough, Carl. You are not alone in experiencing the sensations of 'two steps forward, one step back'. In fact, if truth be told, sometimes it seems to be 'one step forward, two steps back', doesn't it? No matter. Just remember what C.S. Lewis has so poignantly noted above. The simple fact of the matter is: There AREN'T any 'inconsequential' moral choices. None at all.

      Yours in the Keeper of the Fire and the Wind,

      PhiL {'•_•'}

    • Carl Halling
      Carl Halling commented
      Editing a comment
      Re: Restoring Our Souls

      Hi Phil
      Thanks for another brilliant post. I'd not listened to Glass Harp yet; I'm doing so as I'm writing, I love it! Wow, that lyric to "Restore my Soul" is intense: Christians do undergo long dark nights of the soul; yes, even after conversion, and this lyric is testimony to the same; and how. I must research The Choir's music as well. You are so right in what you say: our dark nights are more often than not self-perpetuated: we make wrong moral decisions on a daily basis: thinking/feeling the wrong things; watching the wrong things; listening to the wrong things; in other words, giving sin the time of day. And then we wonder why we become spiritually ravaged; and blame God. Every so often I try and clean up my act; like right now. As you point out, it's so often in little things. That question you mention is important: Do we really want to become saints. Of course we do; but many of us want our favourite precious sins too. Way I see it...we have to go to war against these, on a daily basis.
      Thanks again, Phil, your posts are doing me the power of good!
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