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  • Tormenting Walk and Moving Forward

    Over the past several years I have made some huge steps forward with Christ, as my love for him and his love for me has been tested to the limit. The past 8-9 years have been no walk in the park. Let me briefly tell you some of the things I've been through during those years.

    1. Received a beating and went to the hospital for a minor concussion.
    2. Found out that a child that I had been fathering for 3 years wasn't mine.
    3. Been falsely accused of sexual harrasment on a job.
    4. Kicked out of a house by my own family members, who didn't wish me well.
    5. Lost a wonderful woman whom I loved very much.
    6. Let go from 2 jobs(just recently found out that I was being terminated from my current one)
    7. Had to help my child recover from emotional abuse and neglect.
    8. Got into several car accidents.
    9. Had to intercede and help out my mother who was in an abusive relationship
    10. Been the victim of demonic - spiritual attacks.


    Still, my love for God hasn't changed any - and I would say that I love him more today than I did before some of these things happened. I must say that he indeed has been with me every step of the way, and has helped me get out of some of the most perilous of situations. I'm trying to move forward past these things, but sometimes it's hard not to look back at some of them - particularly since their are so many wounds that I don't think have been completely healed as of yet. Let me say that a lot of these things were brought on by sin, as I myself could have avoided many of them from happening had I not made some of the choices that I made in my early adult life. TBH -- I see so many Christians today filled with more joy than myself, I feel filled with joy too - I just have to say that their are days when I look around me and say, "what's wrong with me" How come I feel so much emptier than others? Does anyone else feel this way, and what would you suggest I do in order to leave the past completely behind, so as not to continue to stumble in my walk with Christ and be fully devoted to him without looking back?

  • #2
    Hi there Friend. You sound a lot like me in some ways. I try so very hard to let go of the past, and it is quite difficult. There are many things that remind me of things I've done, whether its certain songs, smells, etc. I am going along fine and suddenly realize I'm thinking about things from my past, and then I feel guilty about thinking about my past. I struggle with this, and while I really have no advice for you, please know you aren't alone and I will pray for you.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Lyndie View Post
      Hi there Friend. You sound a lot like me in some ways. I try so very hard to let go of the past, and it is quite difficult. There are many things that remind me of things I've done, whether its certain songs, smells, etc. I am going along fine and suddenly realize I'm thinking about things from my past, and then I feel guilty about thinking about my past. I struggle with this, and while I really have no advice for you, please know you aren't alone and I will pray for you.
      Thanks for your prayers. I guess I'll have to do some of my own. It's interesting because my walk hasn't really diminished any. I think it's gotten stronger, but at times I feel so down. Being a single parent, alone most of the time - and having no real support group I guess adds to the problem.

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      • #4
        Maybe it's the struggle which makes the reward all the greater. I'd like to think the greatest prize is being close to God. Not so much in what he can give me - but in having a truly unconditionnal relationship with him. Sometimes though I'm like, man - am I really drawing closer to him -- or is all of this going to be just for naught? Perhaps I concentrate too much on my infirmities, and not enough on His Love. IDK...just trying to think about what I can do to make our relationship stronger and make it so I can completely surrender my life to him....

        Comment


        • #5
          I know part of my problem is the 'unconditional' aspect of God's love. I am glad you hear your walk with Him hasn't diminished, at times mine has. Yes, absolutely our struggles can make the rewards seem greater. We tend to appreciate them more when we fought a hard battle. I am so grateful for God delivering me from alcohol, cause I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that while it was very hard, it was very worth the pain I went through during my rehab and early recovery.

          Comment


          • #6
            Hmm..I guess I should have stated that his devotion to me hasn't diminished. I'd like to think that mine hasn't diminished with him..but now that I think about it..it's not all that accurate seeing as how I have sinned during the walk..

            My addiction was porn and fornication..you know it's funny for a long time I thought that since I didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs I was "okay" in God's eyes. Funny thing was I did every other sinful thing...you don't realize how big of a sinner you are -- until he starts to begin a true fellowship with you. Thank the Lord that he delivered me from the porn though..I have no idea what stuff I could have gotten into if I continued down that path...

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            • #7
              One of the things that I'm finding out now - more so than ever is that some of my not being able to "let go" has to do with the fact that I'm constantly condemning myself for things that I've done in the past. I think in moving forward, I need to pray to God and ask him to help me not to condemn myself for "thoughts" or minor things that may pop up in my head during the day as well as these past sins. Perhaps I also must lower my expectations of what I can and will be able to do with Christ working through me in the near future. I hope this testimony helps you all. In the coming weeks, I will post the status of where I'm at - and hopefully my testimony will encourage others in similar situations. God bless in Christian Love and Grace to you all.

              Stephen

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                One of the things that I'm finding out now - more so than ever is that some of my not being able to "let go" has to do with the fact that I'm constantly condemning myself for things that I've done in the past.
                Hey Stephen,

                Do you remember Lot's wife? Don't look back. Christ is in front of you. He has forgiven you of ALL your sin. When you think of these things, you not only remind yourself (and Satan) but you remind Him.

                You need to learn to capture these thoughts and stomp them under your feet with the power of the Lord. Put on your full armor of God everyday.

                Grace be with you.
                Tami (always learning, continually growing, constantly seeking)

                Revelation 19:13 "And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                  Over the past several years I have made some huge steps forward with Christ, as my love for him and his love for me has been tested to the limit. The past 8-9 years have been no walk in the park. Let me briefly tell you some of the things I've been through during those years.

                  1. Received a beating and went to the hospital for a minor concussion.
                  2. Found out that a child that I had been fathering for 3 years wasn't mine.
                  3. Been falsely accused of sexual harrasment on a job.
                  4. Kicked out of a house by my own family members, who didn't wish me well.
                  5. Lost a wonderful woman whom I loved very much.
                  6. Let go from 2 jobs(just recently found out that I was being terminated from my current one)
                  7. Had to help my child recover from emotional abuse and neglect.
                  8. Got into several car accidents.
                  9. Had to intercede and help out my mother who was in an abusive relationship
                  10. Been the victim of demonic - spiritual attacks.


                  Still, my love for God hasn't changed any - and I would say that I love him more today than I did before some of these things happened. I must say that he indeed has been with me every step of the way, and has helped me get out of some of the most perilous of situations. I'm trying to move forward past these things, but sometimes it's hard not to look back at some of them - particularly since their are so many wounds that I don't think have been completely healed as of yet. Let me say that a lot of these things were brought on by sin, as I myself could have avoided many of them from happening had I not made some of the choices that I made in my early adult life. TBH -- I see so many Christians today filled with more joy than myself, I feel filled with joy too - I just have to say that their are days when I look around me and say, "what's wrong with me" How come I feel so much emptier than others? Does anyone else feel this way, and what would you suggest I do in order to leave the past completely behind, so as not to continue to stumble in my walk with Christ and be fully devoted to him without looking back?


                  Hey, Stephen;

                  I have found that one of the most dangerous things that I can do in my Christian walk is to compare myself, and my relationship to God, with other Christians. I know that it's an easy trap to fall into, as we are human, and much of it has to do with the whole pride issue.
                  It also has to do with covetousness. For most all of us, it is natural to want what we perceive others to have instead of us...and unfortunately, this tends to slip into our Christian walk, as well.
                  I guess the best piece of advice I can give you is not to focus so much on other Christians, but more on your OWN walk with the Lord. Also remember that, although you may not have the level of joy you perceive in other Christians, there are certain things in your walk with Christ that He has reserved especially for you, that perhaps others do not have.
                  Everyone is unique, and everyone walks with God differently. Just look at what you DO have, and try not to compare your walk with others, as this may very well lead to defeat.
                  I would also encourage you not to worry so much about your walk, and worry more about pleasing the Lord. I know that for a while, I was always afraid that my walk wasn't "good enough," or "pleasing enough" to the Lord. Truth is, we all have done things that we are not too proud of...I know that I have done PLENTY of unsavory stuff, and for a while, I would not let go of the regret. I still harbor some of it, but God is helping me work through that.
                  The most important thing is that you trust Him completely...trust that He will help you move forward, and fully surrender to Him those things that are holding you back. There comes a point when you HAVE to let go COMPLETELY...to not do so is a form of not completely trusting God. I know that for me, it was a lack of trust in His forgiveness. I felt that I had to continually repent of my past, so that God knew I was truly sorry. One day, He just said to me "Look, do you trust that I have forgiven you of your past, or do you NOT? I have ALREADY forgiven you, so you don't need to keep repenting. Just trust that I have done the work...and trust that I KNOW that you're sorry."
                  So, then, I guess my second piece of advice here would be to put your COMPLETE and TOTAL faith in God, and just make a conscious effort to LET GO of the past.
                  That is a sure sign of spiritual maturity...and don't think you can't come to God and ask Him to help you do this. I know I did.

                  Col. 1:28 Him we preach, warning every man and teaching every man in all wisdom, that we may present every man perfect in Jesus Christ


                  The word "perfect" here means "mature." We are to be mature in our faith, and maturity comes through knowledge and wisdom. Wisdom is knowing that you can do nothing about your past, but giving it to God. He loves you so much.....when you give it to Him, He WILL help you through.


                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                    Thanks for your prayers. I guess I'll have to do some of my own. It's interesting because my walk hasn't really diminished any. I think it's gotten stronger, but at times I feel so down. Being a single parent, alone most of the time - and having no real support group I guess adds to the problem.

                    AWWW, Stephen

                    Know that you are NEVER alone. There are many times when I feel alone, as well, and I know it may sound cliche, but that's why you must surround yourself with good, caring people who will nurture you spiritually, and be your shoulder.
                    I know for sure that there are support groups out there for different things. If you truly seek God's will, He will lead you to those people, because His will is NOT that you be lonely, but that you be nurtured in the faith.
                    He also knows your limitations, and your weaknesses, and although it can hurt sometimes, there is nothing that is out of God's control. Sometimes, we just need to go through things in order to be strengthened.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                      Maybe it's the struggle which makes the reward all the greater. I'd like to think the greatest prize is being close to God. Not so much in what he can give me - but in having a truly unconditionnal relationship with him. Sometimes though I'm like, man - am I really drawing closer to him -- or is all of this going to be just for naught? Perhaps I concentrate too much on my infirmities, and not enough on His Love. IDK...just trying to think about what I can do to make our relationship stronger and make it so I can completely surrender my life to him....

                      I would say not to worry so much ABOUT your relationship with God, but instead rest IN it.

                      Matt. 11:29,30 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light

                      I really believe that your relationship with Him will become stronger the more you trust IN Him....and complete surrender comes with trust.
                      When you start to worry more about what you CAN do rather than what He HAS done, it becomes a works-based faith.
                      Just do as you have been doing...Seek Him, search the Scriptures, and pray. Pray earnestly and honestly.

                      Seek Him in spirit and in truth.

                      I swear, the rest WILL come together. God is more in control of this relationship than you know, so LET HIM take control. Weep before Him if you have to, and let Him know that you have tried, but you can't seem to let go of some stuff.
                      Ask Him to help you trust Him.
                      I felt much the same way you did when I first came to Christ, and it took a lot of surrender on my part, and it was difficult, but as you said earlier, the reward is SO MUCH worth the struggle.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                        Hmm..I guess I should have stated that his devotion to me hasn't diminished. I'd like to think that mine hasn't diminished with him..but now that I think about it..it's not all that accurate seeing as how I have sinned during the walk..

                        My addiction was porn and fornication..you know it's funny for a long time I thought that since I didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs I was "okay" in God's eyes. Funny thing was I did every other sinful thing...you don't realize how big of a sinner you are -- until he starts to begin a true fellowship with you. Thank the Lord that he delivered me from the porn though..I have no idea what stuff I could have gotten into if I continued down that path...

                        You were in bondage, and the Lord delivered you. Praise His name!!!
                        Again, don't focus so much on the fact that you have sinned....focus on the fact that He was merciful, and helped you to overcome!!!

                        Deut. 7:2 ....and when the Lord your God delivers them over to you, you shall conquer them and utterly destroy them

                        The same can be true of ANY of our enemies, including sin. What the Lord has delivered to us...or delivered us from...it is up to us to conquer, and by the sound of it, you already HAVE.

                        The truth is, we ALL sin, even in our walks with God. Everyone ON THIS BOARD has sinned. The only thing that keeps us from conquering sin is US, because God has already delivered the enemy into our hands. He has already defeated Him...now, you must conquer him within your life...and the Lord will help you with this, too.



                        My heart goes out to you, my friend....and just as your name implies, you WILL emerge VICTORIOUS!!


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                          One of the things that I'm finding out now - more so than ever is that some of my not being able to "let go" has to do with the fact that I'm constantly condemning myself for things that I've done in the past. I think in moving forward, I need to pray to God and ask him to help me not to condemn myself for "thoughts" or minor things that may pop up in my head during the day as well as these past sins. Perhaps I also must lower my expectations of what I can and will be able to do with Christ working through me in the near future. I hope this testimony helps you all. In the coming weeks, I will post the status of where I'm at - and hopefully my testimony will encourage others in similar situations. God bless in Christian Love and Grace to you all.

                          Stephen

                          Your sincerity is commendable. It's not easy to admit that we are imperfect.
                          What you must remember, though, is that you CANNOT continue condemning yourself. Part of being at peace with God is being at peace with yourself.

                          I understand much of where you're coming from, though. When I first came to Christ, and the blinders were taken off, and I realized the full gravity of my sin, it was EXTREMELY hard for me to forgive myself. As I said before, though, it all comes from maturity.
                          The more you mature in Christ, the easier it will be to "let go" of the past. I know you have said that you are a very sensitive person...Perhaps THIS is why you are allowing the guilt to fester like this?
                          I know that, for me at least, guilt was an emotion that I felt very deeply. It went way beyond surface emotions like anger and happiness, because there was a certain level of cerebral thought involved.
                          Guilt comes with a realization that one has done wrong, and a grief over having committed those wrongs. It is something that involves a certain amount of awareness, and, for me at least, this is what made it so difficult for me to deal with.

                          But you know what? Our Lord God Almighty is A THOUSAND TIMES more powerful than our sins, and the remorse that we tend to feel over them. Oftentimes, He is the only one who can absolve this guilt...and this really does come with FULLY ACCEPTING His sacrifice.
                          The Lord died on the cross for those sins that you grieve over....and to continue grieving is like hanging Him on the cross over and over again.

                          But you know what, Stephen? The Lord knows how sorry you are, and He WANTS to help you let go of the past, and move forward. He wants to fill you with His full and complete joy, but He cannot COMPLETELY fill you unless your heart is COMPLETELY free of the guilt and shame.

                          It's just a conscious effort that you must make. You're pretty much going to have to WILL the guilt away, and this is something that you MUST ask the Lord to help you with. If not, it will cripple your Christian walk.

                          I hope what I have said has helped, and God bless you for earnestly seeking His will, and loving Him with every breath.

                          It's apparent that you love Christ very much, and that is very encouraging.



                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Thanks to everyone for posting. You all have been a great help with your testimonies. I'll continue to post testimony in the coming weeks of how my fellowship has improved. Say some prayers and God bless.

                            Stephen

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by friend of I am View Post
                              Let me say that a lot of these things were brought on by sin, as I myself could have avoided many of them from happening had I not made some of the choices that I made in my early adult life. TBH -- I see so many Christians today filled with more joy than myself, I feel filled with joy too - I just have to say that their are days when I look around me and say, "what's wrong with me" How come I feel so much emptier than others? Does anyone else feel this way, and what would you suggest I do in order to leave the past completely behind, so as not to continue to stumble in my walk with Christ and be fully devoted to him without looking back?
                              Great testimony.

                              Like you said, you brought on most of these issues due to sin, and like the bible says in Gal 6:7, we reap what we sow. Let's hope you are through reaping!!

                              I have a verse that I think on almost daily. I had a hard life, some from my childhood, and some from my own doing, and like you - I had a hard time pressing forward.

                              "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before," Phillipians 3:13

                              My pastor pointed me to this verse when I asked him how I could move on past my issues. I was really expecting that he would suggest counseling or some other way to deal with my past....but he just said, "****, you just have to leave your past in the past and move on."

                              Ever since I laid claim to it....I've experienced great freedom in my Christian walk....I can't move forward if I'm always looking back. I've just left my past in the past and look forward to each day that God gives me and try to serve Him the best I can.

                              That's the best advice I can give.

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