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Giving up a nonbeliever to God

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  • Giving up a nonbeliever to God

    Hello everyone

    Am new here and had a read of the threads and have been greatly encouraged by the biblically-based advice given. I have seen so many other relationship-support forums that offer a lot of well-intended advice on dating nonchristians (and we all know the path to hell is paved with good intentions) but not all of them biblically sound.

    Reading a lot of your testimonies here have made me cry as I realise how gracious God has been to me - I am not married to the man that I am trying hard to let go of emotionally. I prayed for each one of you whose posts I have read here. Thank you for sharing your lives - always be encouraged that brothers and sisters in Christ like myself are benefitting from it.

    Most of the stories here are by people who weren't Christians when they got married to nonChristians, or were Christians when they were married but were at a stage of their spiritual lives where they weren't quite aware of the sin of marrying a nonbeliever. My situation is not the same, in fact my sin was graver because I did it with my eyes wide open.

    I have been a Christian ever since I was 6 when I was placed in a christian school and all my life and God has been very good to me - I had the privilege of learning about Him and my faith grew over 2 decades of sunday school, youth groups, and a variety of solid, bible-believing churches. By God's grace, I came to believe that our sole purpose for living here is to Glorify God by bringing as many as possible to His kingdom. I read Josh Harris' books on I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl - and they encouraged me greatly. I have a passion for seeing the people I meet and love one day come to be saved through Jesus Christ and believe very firmly that that is our ultimate calling in life as Christians. I love theology, apologetics and even topped a theology course my church ran. Through all the most difficult things in my life, God has taught me to rely on Him rather than myself, and I have much to thank Him for.

    But I have a weakness: relationships with nonChristians. Somehow all my life, not so much by my own strength but by God's grace, any potential romantic involvement with nonChristian boys never amounted to anything that would have devastated me - either my girlhood crushes never amounted to anything and just faded away, or, more commonly, if they pursued me, I find out that they were only really interested in lust (I was a very rational teenager) when they gave up pretty quickly once they realised that I was a 'serious' Christian - until now.

    A women's pastor whom I confided in once told me that it has been 'easy' so far to stay away from nonChristians because they have all been either emotionally unavailable or they were 'only after one thing' - which made it easier to say 'no'. But what if one day I were to meet a perfectly decent man who by the world's standards, was a 'good person', would make a wonderful husband and may well agree by my Christian values - but I knew he was just not a Christian. What was I going to do then? Would I put God first and be able to walk away from this man? Or would I stubbornly date him? She got offered a job in a church in another country and when she left, I met such a man. I never met anyone that I got along with so well. I never met anyone who wanted so much to be with me. And I disobeyed God. And for the first time in my life, my faith is Really being tested. I read somewhere that "Turning intellectual faith into our personal possession is always a fight, not just sometimes." - I now truly truly understand this.

    I know that a husband is supposed to be a spiritual leader, that the purpose of a Christian marriage is to have two people loving God FIRST and because of that love, they will obey God's command to prioritise the spiritual welfare of their spouse SECOND so that together, they can support each other in living for God by serving others (THIRD) and bringing them into a relationship with God. I still want this in my marriage.

    And Yet, Pride told me, "I can save him. He understands me so well, he's learnt philosophy, he's well-read, he grew up going to church (and still rejected Jesus as His personal saviour), we have So Much in common, he even understands everything that I say to him in all our discussions on the meaning of life... SURELY he'll UNDERSTAND if I just spend more time with him, if I find a way to make the message Clearer." And then when it became obvious that ALL my apologetic and rational arguments were going nowhere with him, by this time I'd already learnt to care about him and the strong emotional bondage was already formed, so Pride stubbornly continued in desperation, "He may get resentful of my attempts to convert him, but he'll never hear about Christianity from anyone else. I can sacrifice my fairy-tale ideal, I'll sacrifice what I know is God's good plan for a Christian marriage. I'll try and accept him for who he is and live with the burden of an unyoked marriage. Because I just can't live without him!!" As the old puritan saying goes “What the heart loves the will chooses and the mind justifies”.

    What I didn't expect was the pain of seeing someone you've given so much of yourself to, reject the Gospel message. He didn't understand why we could not come to some agreement - he understood enough of Christianity to agree with most of its teachings and morals and thought that was enough, in fact, he was very happy that I was a Christian because that would mean I would make a loyal, loving wife. But I knew that wouldn't be enough. A Humanist reliant on the Self to define the meaning and purpose of his life (without acknowledging God's say on it) and who depends on the Self to have the strength or ability to achieve what the Self has perceived as his calling, may well agree with many of the bible's teachings on what's right and wrong.. But the pride/dependency is still on the Self where Jesus has taught that unless the self-will yields and is subjected to His Will, it is still Rebellion against Him - ie, sin.

    The other scary thing I found was, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was Lost.

    --- Let me explain: you know the fear you have as children when you watch adults who have lived so long thinking a certain way that it has dictated what they live for and the way their characters have been shaped? And you tell yourself, I don't want to become like that, I need to monitor how my thinking shapes as I grow and learn - so we keep diaries etc.. and as a Christian, I learnt that we have the yardstick of the bible that never changes - which is what gives us peace so we never have to worry if our minds and our characters are changing over time for the worse without our knowing. I've always felt and knew that I had peace regarding the future, I was always in joyful expectation that God was in charge - It's something Christians Easily take for granted and Forget. ---

    Now I remembered what it felt like being Lost. And I believe God was telling me that I was forfeiting this peace. I knew that I was 'losing' that yardstick. I would literally be looking into the darkness and instead of comfort, I felt like I was looking into a hollow emptiness that I knew was the future with no dependency on God. That was The First time I knew what it was like to be part of the world - Desolate. It's really awful. Terrifying, to the extent that my stomach made me feel physically ill. Have you ever experienced that? I would wonder how he could sleep as a nonbeliever with no assurance of God's love and protection. At first I thought it was just guilt that I was experiencing from being in this relationship - well, there would be - but it was more than that. I felt like God was giving me a taste of the future if I chose to be in this relationship, because I felt deserted by everything Good (but I knew the reality is that I was attempting to desert God) - That is hell - not so much a couldron of brimstone but this desolation of being separated from everything good.

    It was those times that scared me so much that I was able to flee several times. At those times, I would ask him to forgive me for leaving him. But the pain of separation and the thought of him dating and being with other people, marrying someone else, would pull me back to him. He's an addiction that is still very hard to let go of. What pains me the most - is that he does not see that not being with him is actually the most loving thing I could do for him because I was prioritising his salvation over what I want (the relationship). I couldn't do anything more about his salvation - I had to give him up to God. He couldn't understand that. Heaven and hell and the urgency of salvation are not real to him so of course he wouldn't understand. But I know that it's not important what he thinks of me, it's more important what he thinks of God. To him, I was loving when I wanted to be with him and Unloving when I pulled away. A Christian friend even told me once, that if he were ever to become a Christian one day, he will realise that my emotional ill-discipline was actually sinful. That made me grieve because I felt that I'd hindered his salvation rather than help it. He got angry and bitter, and said I'd just proved that organised religion and especially Christianity with its insistent, judgmental God, was incoherent and a burden to its followers. And I have to admit, sometimes when I felt the agony of separating from him, I actually began to think that he was right!! I'd forget that Christian suffering were opportunities to choose to go Back to God and be refined by the Refiner's fire. Can you imagine how I nearly fell away from Everything I knew was True?? Maybe one day if the Holy Spirit wills for the spiritual blindness to be lifted from his eyes, he will understand and forgive me.

    After so much emotional turmoil, he recognises that it's not working, and he's actually the one who 'severed' it because he sees no future in this. It has been heartbreaking, but he did what I tried doing and could not do. He has been through more relationships and this is my first, that just breaks my heart even more because I don't know now if his affections were ever genuine, which in turn makes me feel like I can't trust anyone now, which in turn makes me doubt my ability to judge. And now I understand why self-confidence is dealt such a blow with heartbreak. But of course I must find my confidence in our worth from the Lord, right? We are blessed that way.

    People say, nonChristians particularly, that you have to Want to let it go/get over it/give it up, or you never will.
    Well, I've given up willing myself to do that because I Know that's not going to work. Why? Because I jolly well know that I still care about him, I think a part of you never forgets the first person you give your heart away to. And that's the problem, we were never supposed to give our heart away to anyone - I've always known that and TOLD myself right from the start, even said it to him, that my heart first belongs to God. But I think the moment you start finding a way to have what you think you can't bear to lose (so, in my case, I tried converting him), you are already in the process of giving your heart away - and anything besides God that you give your heart away to is an idol. I'm imagining that with a Christian man, that falling in love will be Different because our hearts are already with God.

    I Know all the answers - my head knows every biblical reason that a relationship with a nonchristian is just not worth it. It is a sure-fire way to wander off the narrow path and is Satan's most effective tactics because relationships are man's greatest area of weakness because the heart is the wellspring of life. But for the first time in my life, I understand how strong and deceptive emotions can really be. I still vacillate between wanting to obey God and still wanting the guy back!

    Back to pysching myself to 'get over' him - I don't think it's possible. Instead, I'm going to try and just divert my attention to making God the desire of my heart. I had it before, I lost it when I disobeyed, I know God will find me again. I'm crying as I'm typing this because I've broken God's heart and yet God FORGIVES and takes me back. I think of how the nonChristian guy took me back so times, but he has his own Self-purposes to want me (he wants loyalty and support of a partner) - but God takes me back purely because He loves me and wants the best for me. Well, God has his own self-purposes of wanting me to Glorify Him with my life by using me to bring others to His kingdom - but in the process We are made more like Jesus and we have already been promised eternal life - how could we possibly complain?? Jars of Clay is singing out, Is there Grace for a wayward heart? Yes there is.

    The hardest thing now is Giving Up the HOPE that he will return one day to me as a Christian - because at a time when things are hard to get over, I'm desperately clinging on to this hope for the strength to resist the temptation of contacting him (we tried being friends before and it didn't work so cutting all contact is the only way really). And yet I know that he is most likely not going to ever be one, and to think that God will reward this way if I obey Him now is just poisonous (people keep telling me that God WILL reward - just not maybe with this guy coming back a Christian - but with someone else better, someone He has planned to be The One - I just haven't met him yet, and of course though rationally they are right, right now I don't Feel like this could ever be true). If anyone has been through this or has any advice to give on this, please please share it with me.

    Sorry this has been so long. This seems like a self-serving article - there is some therapeutic value in sharing with a world of strangers my story - and to ask for global prayer with my current spiritual battle. I still need to exercise self-control because the temptation to go back is there All The Time.
    Last edited by ClayJar; Jan 2nd 2008, 11:17 PM. Reason: grammar mistakes and more clarity in one paragraph

  • #2
    Hi and welcome to the board.
    I have to go back and read what you wrote again, but I want to encourage you in this. The Lord will never leave us nor forsake us. You cannot disappoint our Lord..He is much bigger than that. I am certain that He is rejoicing over the fact that you want to draw close to Him again..and I am praying that you will desire to stay there.
    I will post more to you tomorrow.
    .................The message of the cross divides the human race." ~MW~

    ........ ... " LORD, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant..."
    .................................................. .................................................. ...Nehemiah 1:11a


    • #3
      Thank you.
      This is really hard though. I hadn't seen him in a while and then Just as I posted my story on this thread yesterday, I see him on the same day! What's up with that God? Well, we work in the same area in our city so it would happen - and I've always mentally prepared myself just in the event I see him walking around with another girl, or find out that he's seeing someone. But you know, no amount of mental preparation helped! It has been a month since I last saw him - He was talking to some people, and he looked, well, good. Happy. Over me. I quickly hid myself so he wouldn't see me and couldn't concentrate anymore on what the person beside me was saying. And all the feelings flooded back in a second. The pain is terrible, and no amount of telling myself that Jesus went through the ultimate suffering in comparison to my pathetic suffering, helped. I'm either feeling so down that I can't concentrate at work or don't feel like even getting out of bed, or I'm so tired of fighting the pain and tired of reminding myself of allll the reasons why I shouldn't go back (like writing long posts to web forums!).

      Right there and then, seeing him in person, I really felt like I couldn't go on, I wanted to go up to him and say hello. I feel like I'm Lot's wife turning back every time I fall into Satan's trap of despair and wanting to give up. Yet I know I'm not a robot and that human emotions take Time to get over. Current deep sharp acute pain vs Lifetime of slow agony in unyoked relationship - Call me pathetic, weak, and foolish for thinking that the former is too hard to bear and that I'd trade it in for the latter... but right now I do. I really feel like throwing in the towel on God sometimes. Sometimes I tell God, 'you said before you will never give me anything I cannot handle and you will provide a way out when I'm faced with temptation.. but SERIOUSLY.. This is Too Hard!'

      2 things kept me from going up to him and initiating contact again: (1) Pride. I've done this so many times before I doubt he will think that I'm serious... so I know he won't believe exactly how hurt and in pain I really am (and that in turn will hurt me), so I know there is no point (2) I'll be yet again giving Christianity a bad name - I know staying away from him would encourage him to think that my strength comes from God and not from myself (but then again, maybe he won't... and then I get depressed again thinking that he'll Never be a Christian and more depressed that I'm not succeeding in giving up this hope that I'm using as the motivation to stay away)


      • #4
        Oh and, I'm sorry for that last post - I feel like that wasn't helpful for others to read. And the last thing I want is for others to be discouraged. I already feel like I've done a disservice to my own friends who have always looked up to me as a strong Christian sister and I've let them down as I confided this problem to them. Accountability is important but I feel my Christian sisters are despairing because I don't seem to be 'improving' - all this prayer and support and no results. People mistake the fact that just because I am able to voice out what I Know, doesn't mean that how I Feel is the same - I seem to know all the biblical answers, but I now know I'm not as strong as I appear, going back to the nonChristian again and again confirmed that. Could I please ask that anyone reading this to please pray for me? That I'm sure God would want, for prayer strengthens both the person who prays and the person prayed for. Thank you


        • #5
          I am bringing you before the Lord.

          Can I ask around how old you are? You seem to be really hard on yourself.
          Life goes on and we have to go with it. There is no relationship with this person so you need to keep moving. From the way you write it sounds like you have good friends who are Christians and I'm glad to hear that.
          Praying for that someone special to come into your life as you continue walking with our Lord.
          .................The message of the cross divides the human race." ~MW~

          ........ ... " LORD, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant..."
          .................................................. .................................................. ...Nehemiah 1:11a


          • #6
            Hi Karenoka
            I'm 27. Thank you so much for your prayers.
            Yes, I'm blessed to have Christian friends.

            Hard on myself? I just want to deal with this the Correct way, not just Any way to make obeying God easier. One of my friends pointed out to me that I'm Still not depending on God in this, because I'm depending on the Hope that the guy will one day become a Christian and come back to me. It's so true. I cried for hours because that's the painful thing to accept and let go.

            Do I not believe that God is Good? Yes. Do I not believe that He is faithful and can be trusted, even when we can't tell what His plans are? Yes. Do I not believe He can change me to be able to love again? Yes. Do I not believe that He has plans to prosper you, not to harm you? Yes.
            Well, ClayJar, you have all your answers, why are you still crying?
            Because accepting that this guy is not the one, not now, not with what I know, is HARD. Because I've given so much, and now have to walk away?! (And yet, Jesus gave His very life and we humans don't recognise that sacrifice.) Because I can't imagine living without him, and yet I also can't imagine living without God.

            This test of faith is HARD. I came So close yesterday to just giving up. But I was too afraid to do even that because I know I'd be deliberately turning my back on God - and that thought of desolation without God just Scared me. Humans are truly pathetic!

            Someone said this will be make you stronger in the Lord - yeah, good to know, even though right now I don't feel like it, and to be honest I don't really care. All I know is I have to just stick with this path, and not go back to the guy - which verse was it that said let your yes be yes and your no be no.

            Hurts like hell. Maybe some good will come out of this. Maybe my story here will encourage Christians out there (whoever who had the patience to read through all this) to not even CONTEMPLATE dating a nonChristian. You Don't need to date anyone to find out if he's a Christian. You CAN'T convert someone - the best way to do so is to BE Christian - because they'll see that your willingness to obey God is what makes you special, and in turn, be attracted to Christianity. So basic, yet so easy to forget. Don't be like me, who nearly fell away. I think with sorrow about the regret, the heartache, I'm going through now, and the thought that I've hindered this guy's salvation due to my lack of faith....

            But no, I'll stop now. Because I'm lapsing back into despair and really, his salvation is not my call. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It never was in my control, and I need to hand it back to God and just focus on depending on Him and Him alone to get through this. Only He can make something beautiful out of the mess I've made and the pain I've caused. May we all continue to trust in Him and Not ourselves.


            • #7
              I've been where you are so I know what I am talking about when I say that you have to move on. He wasn't meant to be in your life. Perhaps someday if he comes to know the Lord as His Savior, and then the Lord puts him on your path then things would be different..but you can't sit and wait to see if that happens. There is so much waiting ahead for the Lord's will for your life. Perhaps the man you are really searching for is just up ahead on your path...keep walking.
              .................The message of the cross divides the human race." ~MW~

              ........ ... " LORD, I beseech thee, let now thine ear be attentive to the prayer of thy servant..."
              .................................................. .................................................. ...Nehemiah 1:11a


              • #8
                Hi Clayjar, and welcome to the board.

                You are doing the right thing. Yes it is hard. But you are doing the right thing. I knew someone who did a very similar thing, and knew she should not be dating a non-Christian but she did. She had a really hard time breaking up, but when she knew that he was rejecting Christ, she knew she had to break it. She cried and cried, because it hurt. It is very painful. But she knew she was doing the right thing.

                Then she started going to Christian singles meetings, and there she met her husband.

                The Psalm tells us that we walk "through" the valley of the shadow of death, and that is what this feels like for you. Something is dying, and it is the relationship that you wanted with this man. But it is something that needs to die.

                You have an image of yourself of being strong, and now you know that the self-strength is no strength at all. Paul said, "when I am weak, then I am strong." It means that we must recognize that even our strength is a weakness if it means we depend on ourselves and not on Jesus. You are trying to quit this relationship in your own strength, but the bondage is greater than your strength.

                God protected you today from going over to speak to this man. Satan is trying to pull you back in. This is a place of choice.

                In your prayer time tonight be honest with God. Let Him hear you say that you do not have the strength in yourself and that you need Him to be in you and accomplish what you cannot. This is a place in you that has not been surrendered to God, and now is a good time to do it. Even confess to him that there is a big part of you that doesn't want to take that way of escape, and you need Him to help you to want the right thing.

                Your friends are looking up to you, that is further evidence of the image of the "strong woman" that you have of yourself. They have been confirming that to you, and it makes you have to protect that image. When you come through on the other side of this, you will have a new testimony. It will not be about how strong you are, but about how strong God is.

                I am praying for you Clayjar, that God will be very real and present with you this night, and lead you into the green pastures and beside the still waters.

                Road Warrior

                Proverbs 4:23
                23 Guard your heart above all else,
                for it determines the course of your life.


                • #9
                  Ok. I am struggling. Maybe it's because it's still early and 'raw'.. trying not to be too hard on myself.. Roadwarrior and karenoka: I know what you say is true: I have to move on, I can't wait for him, and yes I know it's an area that I'm trying to submit to God. If you Know something isn't right, why is it so hard to let it go.. Roadwarrior, how Long did it take for your friend to get over this? I'm doing Everything: praying, reminding myself with God's word, driving my Christian friends crazy but I'm glad I have them to make myself accountable to, just go through the motions of daily life (how Hard that is, when one doesn't have the heart or will to go through with it) and be faithful and grateful for life itself - the important thing is just to keep close to God and not allow Satan to get a foothold through my sorrow. But I am struggling. One day at a time and yet I feel like this is torture and I don't know how I am going to have the strength to continue like this.

                  Roadwarrior, it's true, it really is like separating flesh from flesh and this IS like dying - I am asking God to help me to Want to let him go emotionally, maybe this is a Process and takes time but in the meantime, I really feel like part of me is dying because all those thoughts of losing him or a future without him is really painful. I read about your friend finding a christian husband after her painful break-up and all I could think was: (and I know it sounds shortsighted and irrational to say this) but I don't Want to meet anyone else, I don't Want anyone else. I really don't think I can love anyone else. Apart from the fact that he is still too proud and afraid to admit that his strength and will for himself is not enough and that he needs rescuing, this guy really is my soulmate. I know I will probably laugh at myself for saying this in the future, and all of you can laugh with me if and when my future turns out differently and I can look back to this and see how God's hand was at work for the best. But right now, despite forcing myself to get up in the morning and life itself is hard enough (a worthy distraction I suppose), at the core of me is still this Pain - all I find myself Really thinking about is, God please please humble this man, let him see that He is not as good/strong as he thinks he is, please let him see that he needs you. I am keeping away from him simply because if he ever turns to God, I want him to discover Him on his own, independent of me.


                  • #10
                    Clayjar, you are doing just fine. It is normal to feel as you do, but you are doing what is necessary, getting up and going on with your life in spite of the pain.

                    Yes it hurts, it hurts really bad. If you had just had a major surgery, you would be in great pain, also. It is like that. Something big has been cut out of you. It feels like it is part of yourself. Maybe some of it is, but remember that Jesus said the branches which bear fruit are pruned, to yield more fruit. Pruning is painful, and we mourn for the loss, but later we see that He knows what is best.

                    Go and read Hebrews 12, about the chastening of sons, especially this verse:
                    Heb 12:11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. NKJV

                    Is this a chastening? Perhaps it is. You knew it was an unsafe place, but you went there, and now you are dealing with the consequences. But I promise you that God is faithful and will not leave you as you walk through it.

                    His goal for you is not to punish you, but to grow you up to a greater measure of righteousness. Fix your eyes on that goal, and fill up your time. Keep busy. Put on some Christian music and move through your house, your life, with His words in your mind and your ears.

                    Remember also, that weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

                    I don't know what God has for you, none of us do, only God knows. That's why all we can do it hug you and comfort you and encourage you. When you are able to move forward, ask Him, Lord where do you want me to put my foot next?

                    I am praying for you.

                    Road Warrior

                    Proverbs 4:23
                    23 Guard your heart above all else,
                    for it determines the course of your life.


                    • #11
                      Perhaps this was a test of satan trying to ruin your personal testimony by tempting you with what seemed to be the "right" man. I truly believe that you are doing the correct thing by letting him go. If you didn't let him go, then he would think that"sure,it's OK for Christians to be with unbelievers"and perhaps never come to Christ.We are planters of the seed and I think that you have done your part by planting the seed that God has given you, but now its time to sit back and see if that seed takes root. You never know-perhaps that seed has fallen on fertile ground, or maybe it hasn't. Either way, you know that God's unfailing love will always be there for you, and I'm sure that all who read into this thread will agree with me on that. I will say a prayer of support for you and him as well, for my heart goes out to you
                      .......................John 3:16.........................

                      My testimony: hope that it inspires one and all


                      • #12
                        Thank you for the encouragement from all of you. Do you know throughout the day, I keep this page bookmarked - Work is a blessing that keeps me busy even though everything's a struggle - every time a yearning to contact him comes or that dying feeling comes, I read your words of encouragement on this thread. I have Hebrews 12 printed out and in front of me as I work. It's getting me through the day. Thank you again.

                        Sometimes I look around the busy-ness around me and I see the walking dead. I think of him, and the gulf that is between us - and I know I have to let go, God is telling me there is Nothing I Can Do about it - only He is in charge.

                        I have asked for forgiveness - I Have been selfish and rebellious, in pursuing the relationship in the first place, in yearning so much for him to be a Christian somehow thinking I can make right from this wrong relationship. I have gone my way and not God's. I want you to know that I Know God loves His children. I know He will not forsake me as I struggle to surrender my heartache and my will to Him.

                        I have been listening to Christian music - because everything on the radio, especially when I'm feeling this way, is Not helpful. Anyone heard of Superchick's Beauty From Pain? Or Jars of Clay's Love of a Jealous Kind?

                        Thank you most especially for your prayers - you have no idea how much comfort that brings me. I pray that God blesses you, and keep you safe in His embrace always.


                        • #13
                          Bless you Clayjar! You are doing great. How sweet it is to see the courage and determination in your post, to keep going, and to follow Jesus.

                          You continue to be in my prayers.

                          Road Warrior

                          Proverbs 4:23
                          23 Guard your heart above all else,
                          for it determines the course of your life.


                          • #14
                            I can't help my stupid brain and my stupid heart. I'm just having an awful moment and not caring how miserable and sinful I sound, and finding refuge on this forum. Please, would the night of weeping just pass and morning come -

                            What do you do, these irrational moments when you just want to give up, when the pain just feels so unbearable you're tempted to trade in the future, when you're tired of fighting your sinful nature, when you want something so badly that you're so so tempted to ignore the fear of disobeying and rebelling against God, when you're So Tired you just want to throw in the towel and Want to Believe that being with a nonChristian Can't be That bad, when you want to ignore thoughts of the future, when you're tortured by thoughts that he has moved on or is with someone else, and that hurts more than Anything else, because it means you're no longer significant or maybe were never significant to begin with... and that makes you ache with the pain inside that never seems to subside.

                            I think of the future, imagining what God has in store - it may be a really God-fearing man, and I am able to live to serve God. Believe it or not, although it brings great peace to know that God IS ultimately in charge of my life, I still cry in sadness because that future isn't THIS guy. What do you do when the pruning doesn't feel real, when you rather not want to be pruned. AM I being pruned? A part of me, like a spoiled little child, says, "God you don't understand.. I CAN'T take this!!"

                            I know He'd rather me obey Him (even though right now I'm doing it kicking and screaming).. The only reason why I'm not right now picking up the phone or going to his place is because it's crazy at this hour, because of my pride (he will think So little of me and of Christianity), but most of all, because I'm just too Afraid of Really disobeying God - ie, literally go back to the guy. Fear of God. God forgive me for being so weak and distrustful of you.. but right now, I don't have faith.

                            We are so pathetic, why DOES God love us. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom? - Maybe, if wisdom means this desperate at-the-moment prevention from doing real harm when alllll your attempts of rationalising to try and stay strong in your head are going Nowhere.

                            I swear, if I get through this cold turkey phase and my rehab is successful (well, this guy IS a drug), it would be solely on God's grace and strength, nothing of my own doing.

                            I know all this, yet I am having these miserable painful moments.
                            So despondent, so inconsolable, yet so in need of God.


                            • #15
                              Clayjar, it's ok.
                              It is normal to feel this way.
                              I am praying for you.

                              Keep crying out to God. Tell him how you feel, that you want to obey Him, but it is hard.

                              In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus said this:
                              Mt 26:38-39
                              38 Then He said to [the disciples], "My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me."
                              39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, "O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."

                              It is because of this scripture that I know for a fact, Jesus Himself understands how you are feeling.

                              The disciples fell asleep and Jesus prayed alone. You feel alone. We are out here in cyberspace and can't sit by you and hug you. But some of us are weeping with you. We know how you feel because we have also been there. At this point it is not a comfort to you that we say it will pass. At this point, you just need to keep calling on Jesus, and just keep walking.


                              Road Warrior

                              Proverbs 4:23
                              23 Guard your heart above all else,
                              for it determines the course of your life.