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  • Need Advice: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

    OK so basically here is my story in a nutshell - I am 41 years old (almost 42). I have two sisters - One is 13 years older than me and the other is 10 years older than me. yup - I was not planned. I was an "accident" as my parents have told me my entire life. I have never "fit in" and always felt like just an afterthought. I know they loved me after I was born. But, my entire lifetime, I heard countless times "she was an accident" or "We thought we were done with kids and here she came and threw a wrench in everything." I know they thought those little sayings were funny. But, they really hurt me growing up. Now, fast forward to the present and nothing has really changed. I have been left out of many conversations during my entire lifetime by my entire family. They don't call me when a major family event happens. Here are two examples - both of my sisters loaded up in a car and drove to my niece's college graduation together without letting me know they were going. They never invited me to come along. AND I once had an aunt who lives out of state who died and no one told me until after she was buried. It really hurts to be left in the dark. Now, my parents are older and in very poor health. I can call their house to check on them and there is a "distance" there. Their answers to me on the phone are as short as possible. It is like they are trying to get me to hang up and don't want to waste their time talking to me. This is what one of our conversations is like:

    Me: Hi Mom. I just wanted to call and check on you. How are you and Dad doing?
    Mom: alright.
    Me: What did Dad's doctor say at his last visit?
    Mom: same thing
    Me: Have the home health nurses been coming to help out?
    Mom: yeah.
    Me: How much snow did you all get this weekend? We got a lot.
    Mom: not sure

    And it will go on like that until I finally get tired of carrying on the entire conversation myself and finally tell her goodbye. It is no better when I go to visit. I feel like I am completely out of place. I have prayed about it. And I have tried talking to my parents about it. They just get defensive and act like it's not true when I tell them that I feel like I am not as close to them as my sisters are. I hate feeling so distant from my parents (and also my sisters!) There is such an age gap between my sisters and me that even when i talk to them, there is really no substance there. It is so sad to me. I am so sad that I feel like almost an outsider. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it horrible of me to dread visiting my parents? I feel so much more at ease at my mother-in-law's house than I do at my own parents' house and I wish it were different. Advice on how to cope?

  • #2
    Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

    You have a lot going on with your immediate family, young children and all. Are you able to just drop everything in a minute and go packing off to some relatives graduation?
    ***
    Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
    For You are the God of my salvation;
    On You I wait all the day.

    Psalms 25:5
    ***

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

      Am going through almost the same rejection in my family. Being the first born of four, am never consulted or informed of what they plan and i feel rejected but my focus is on God and He has Seen me though these times. Put your trust in God no matter what!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

        Originally posted by Christinme View Post
        You have a lot going on with your immediate family, young children and all. Are you able to just drop everything in a minute and go packing off to some relatives graduation?
        No, I probably wouldn't have been able to go. But, it would have been nice if one of them had at least called and invited me. They could have said, "We know you are busy and might not be able to go. But, we still wanted to invite you to go with us to the graduation." I am never included in anything.

        Originally posted by Wahome View Post
        Am going through almost the same rejection in my family. Being the first born of four, am never consulted or informed of what they plan and i feel rejected but my focus is on God and He has Seen me though these times. Put your trust in God no matter what!
        Yes, I do try to do this. It is still hard to feel like no one in the family considers me to be important of or any worth.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

          Maybe they don't invite you because they don't want to "pressure" you. It does seem some that you are not as much of the "group" as you would like to be. Do you think there is no room for improvement? Do you want to try to do something to get improvement or do you want to try to get over being bothered by it? It's too different goals, however they both might entail the same things being done and then what ever result you get you get (their response).

          First it's not true that "no one in the family considers me to be important of or any worth" ... you might not be as "important" or have as much "worth" as the other members of the family. That being said that's not a nice feeling, I can understand that. Is it possible that you could become as important or worth as much as others in the family, maybe not, probably not.

          Does that mean you aren't important or don't have worth ... no. I would recommend that you stop looking for or expect any considerations from them towards you. And that means stop your behavior that seeks it. If it seems like your phone calls aren't welcomed ... well don't call, or well at least not so much. If it seems like your visits aren't welcome ... don't visit or at least not so much. Put the ball in THEIR COURT. Let them make an effort to come to you ... and if they don't well then that's where you are at ... if they do great.
          ***
          Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
          For You are the God of my salvation;
          On You I wait all the day.

          Psalms 25:5
          ***

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

            I'm sorry to hear this. I'm sure it really hurts.
            This doesn't sound very nice but to me it sounds almost peaceful. I say that because I have the opposite problem with my family always leaning on me and expecting me to take care of everything, solve their problems etc. It's exhausting.

            Anyway, enough about me. What I would do is call them once in awhile even if it's just for a few minutes, to check on them. Let them know you love them and that you're just a phone call away, and then step back and let them call you. They know how to reach you if they need/want to.

            I know it hurts and you feel rejected, but if there's one thing I've learned over the years it's that you can't make somebody care about you or respond to you the way you'd like them to. It would be so much easier if we could, but we can't.

            I'm not saying that to be mean or hurtful, it's just the way it is
            Continue to pray for them and continue to bring your feelings to the Lord and then let Him work it out.

            Stay encouraged.

            Jeanne
            Refrain your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for your work shall be rewarded declares the Lord, and they (your children) will come back from the land of the enemy. Jeremiah 31:16-17
            --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
            Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you can discover He is the rock at the bottom

            All the forces of darkness cannot stop what God has ordained. Isaiah 14:27

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

              Originally posted by mom_of_four View Post
              OK so basically here is my story in a nutshell - I am 41 years old (almost 42). I have two sisters - One is 13 years older than me and the other is 10 years older than me. yup - I was not planned. I was an "accident" as my parents have told me my entire life. I have never "fit in" and always felt like just an afterthought. I know they loved me after I was born. But, my entire lifetime, I heard countless times "she was an accident" or "We thought we were done with kids and here she came and threw a wrench in everything." I know they thought those little sayings were funny. But, they really hurt me growing up. Now, fast forward to the present and nothing has really changed. I have been left out of many conversations during my entire lifetime by my entire family. They don't call me when a major family event happens. Here are two examples - both of my sisters loaded up in a car and drove to my niece's college graduation together without letting me know they were going. They never invited me to come along. AND I once had an aunt who lives out of state who died and no one told me until after she was buried. It really hurts to be left in the dark. Now, my parents are older and in very poor health. I can call their house to check on them and there is a "distance" there. Their answers to me on the phone are as short as possible. It is like they are trying to get me to hang up and don't want to waste their time talking to me. This is what one of our conversations is like:

              Me: Hi Mom. I just wanted to call and check on you. How are you and Dad doing?
              Mom: alright.
              Me: What did Dad's doctor say at his last visit?
              Mom: same thing
              Me: Have the home health nurses been coming to help out?
              Mom: yeah.
              Me: How much snow did you all get this weekend? We got a lot.
              Mom: not sure

              And it will go on like that until I finally get tired of carrying on the entire conversation myself and finally tell her goodbye. It is no better when I go to visit. I feel like I am completely out of place. I have prayed about it. And I have tried talking to my parents about it. They just get defensive and act like it's not true when I tell them that I feel like I am not as close to them as my sisters are. I hate feeling so distant from my parents (and also my sisters!) There is such an age gap between my sisters and me that even when i talk to them, there is really no substance there. It is so sad to me. I am so sad that I feel like almost an outsider. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it horrible of me to dread visiting my parents? I feel so much more at ease at my mother-in-law's house than I do at my own parents' house and I wish it were different. Advice on how to cope?
              First of all no one will like this reply but here it is.

              Get over it! You are driving yourself nuts. You are supposed to have the peace of Christ that passes all understanding so don't give anyone the POWER to steal that peace.

              God says "Honor your father and mother". He gave no exceptions. Check on them call them honor them. I went through a period when my dad was so mad he wouldn't talk to me so when he quit talking I talked to my step mom. Slowly he came back around because I never stopped being the good son. Pray for them to have the peace of the Lord (don't pray for them to change, God decides who needs to change not us)

              Focus on your children and your husband. If you don't want to extend this curse make sure your children are close and know what real love is. When they see how you honor your parents they will know how to honor you.

              Our oldests (twins) were accidents and we told them so but also that we chose to have them. Our son was "planned" We have three of the best adult children you will ever find but it still took work.

              Prayer for your journey but get into that peace and DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE STEAL IT!

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                Hi mom_of_four,

                I am so sorry you feel left out of your family. I have a problem similar to yours except I am the parent of children with pretty big age gaps. I have a 35 yr old, a 20 yr old and a 10 yr old. Like you were, my son was a late in life surprise but a very happy one as I'm sure you were to your parents.

                I also have two step sons aged 32 and 27. My daughter has two children aged 8 and 6. Which was great for my 10 yr old but they recently moved across country for my son in laws job. Now I worry so much about my little guy because he is so much younger than his older brothers so naturally they don't have much in common. They do try to look out for him but I'm sure he would love to do things with them more and doesn't really understand that they are busy adults. So I understand how you feel.

                I guess what I am trying to tell you is most families have some sort of issue and someone who feels a little left out. You just have to try and make the best of it and as others here have said, you need to look at the positives of your situation such as how you have so much more time to focus on your spouse and children. It always helps when I remind myself that God doesn't make mistakes and my son was born so much later because that is how He wanted it and that is how He wanted it for you in your family.

                I'm not sure if I was able to make you feel any better (I hope so) but I think it always helps to know there are others who feel as you do.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                  God wanted YOU to be born!

                  Isn't that important?

                  Don't hold your parents feelings against them!

                  God NEEDED YOU to be born for whatever reason.

                  SOMETHING in your life is VERY important to God.

                  Is it your JOB?

                  Is it your WITNESS?

                  Is it something you haven't any idea about yet?

                  Live as best you can, for ALL the reasons you can.

                  There are REASONS behind your life, and the lives of your children.

                  God SAYS so

                  God Of Abraham Isaac, and Jacob, may your believers feel comforted that you have brought them into the world for a purpose, even if their parents have no idea of your plan, in Jesus' Name amen.
                  JER 14:13 Then said I: 'Ah, Lord GOD! behold, the prophets say unto them: Ye shall not see the sword, neither shall ye have famine; but I will give you assured peace in this place.'
                  JER 14:14 Then the LORD said unto me: 'The prophets prophesy lies in My name; I sent them not, neither have I commanded them, neither spoke I unto them; they prophesy unto you a lying vision, and divination, and a thing of nought, and the deceit of their own heart.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                    May be this will help ? I sure pray it will............

                    I am 81........ and I keep having memory's of my past....
                    My mother was married to my pa her second the first one died ..... She had a son and a daughter with the first !

                    And me with the second. He was a alcoholic ! and not a good husband or Pa.

                    And my Ma, did not seem to pay much attention to me like the step br. and sis.
                    Being sick with tooth aches and ear aches I missed a lot of school and never got caught up they kept passing me.
                    My parents never helped, with this. And a lot of other things....... no love no hugs..... my Pa tried some thing with me
                    in bed one day as he was drunk........ I ran to my ma and got in her bed... nothing......
                    things like this keep popping up..... like this to me now... any way .
                    Let God help and I did, I hope and pray you will also..........
                    It made a difference in going to a bible church and having a bible ......... all those years the church I went to did not......

                    So reading and re reading will help.... Specially if you stay in the new testament..

                    May be this will help ? I sure pray it will............

                    I am 81........ and I keep having memory's of my past....
                    My mother was married to my pa her second the first one died ..... She had a son and a daughter with the first !

                    And me with the second. He was a alcoholic ! and not a good husband or Pa.

                    And my Ma, did not seem to pay much attention to me like the step br. and sis.
                    Being sick with tooth aches and ear aches I missed a lot of school and never got caught up they kept passing me.
                    My parents never helped, with this. And a lot of other things....... no love no hugs..... my Pa tried some thing with me
                    in bed one day as he was drunk........ I ran to my ma and got in her bed... nothing......
                    things like this keep popping up..... like this to me now... any way .
                    Let God help and I did, I hope and pray you will also..........
                    It made a difference in going to a bible church and having a bible ......... all those years the church I went to did not......

                    So reading and re reading will help.... Specially if you stay in the new testament..
                    Eph. 2:8
                    For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
                    9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                      I've felt disconnected from my parents for several years (especially after I left the Roman Catholic church). I always have to call my mother (she almost never calls me) and our conversations are usually cordial, but superficial. Every time I talk with her, she always has to mention the Roman Catholic church. I will ask her how she is doing and she usually says that she just got back from mass or just got back from adoration or just got back from rosary group etc.. I never hear from my two sisters and my brother is a Christian, but is in his own world. I feel like an orphan. I am much closer to my wife's Christian side of the family and with our Christian friends.
                      Galatians 6:14 - But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                        Blood relationships are highly overrated.

                        Even God told people to leave and cleave.
                        Some people are offended that the Sovereign God, because He loved man so much and wanted to be in an intimate relationship with his creation, gave Man a free will to respond to God's grace, offered to all. They are offended that God is God as God chooses to be, not as they choose for God to be.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                          My father never got along with his siblings. He told me about 20,000 times in my life that he intentionally did me a favor not having more than one child. He honestly believed that. He may be correct.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Feeling "disconnected" from parents

                            Originally posted by Stew Ward's Hip View Post
                            Blood relationships are highly overrated.

                            Even God told people to leave and cleave.
                            Agreed! If I do not like a person I do not like them. The fact we are related makes ABSOLUTELY NO difference.

                            Comment

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