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  • Adoption

    Hello,

    I'm hoping I can gain godly advice from some of the members on this board about adoption. I have written on other boards as well but have not gotten the greatest advice for some reason.

    My husband Josh and I have been married for a little more than three years. We are in the process right now of beginning our adoption journey and can't wait for the day when we will be given our baby.

    I was searching for adoption agencies and found that the cost was way more than we ever imagined. I ended up coming across a local non profit child placing agency that seems like it would be the right fit for us. I had spoken to the woman on the phone who runs it with her husband, and they are coming over next month for our first home study.

    My question is: if you have adopted before, did you receive a grant/loan from somewhere and if so, was it through the agency you went through or separate? I hope that makes sense. Basically the whole adoption process comes out to be around $25,000. In order to be "matched" with a birth mom, we have to put a down payment + our home study. So the first half of the adoption would be $8,000.

    The whole $25,000 includes legal fees and can be broken down into 3 installments, plus birth-mother expenses which are limited and are "as needed".

    There are different organizations that I have found that do loans and have also spoken with our bank who said it is possible to take out a loan. BUT, we're wondering if that is the right choice.

    Second question: This agency only does "closed" adoptions. I have read stories from both sides of open and closed and in a way, I am leaning towards having a closed adoption just for various reasons. My husband and I were talking about how when they are older, how do we tell them that, "yes we are your parents, but I did not birth you." How did you tell your son/daughter? and what was their reaction? This question started numerous arguments on other boards that I've written and I'm hoping this doesn't cause any tension here.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this!
    Why are you searching for love? Why are you still looking as if I'm not enough?

  • #2
    Re: Adoption

    My wife, and I, are going through the adoption process; however, it's in the UK, where the expense is covered, so I can't make any recommendations on the financial aspect. The only thing in that regard that I will say, is to be very careful of who you adopt through, and make sure that you've thoroughly researched, and vetted, the organization you go with.

    Generally (depending on the kind of adoption you have in mind; probably not if you're looking for a newborn, but in case that changes):

    - For better or worse, read up on attachment theory, attachment disorders, and the difficulties most adoption children will have faced in their early life, especially in terms of forming connections, lasting relationships; the potential lack of love; the experience of trauma, neglect, emotional and / or physical abuse, and sexual abuse; and so on. Books are your friends.

    - Be prepared to discuss - and be brutally honest with each other - what kind of child (or children) you are willing to take on. Will you accept an HIV positive child? Will you accept a child that has been sexually abused, and acts out this abuse? Will you accept a child with a degree of intellectual, or learning difficulties; or physical difficulties, e.g. down syndrome, or some other ailment? Will you accept a child that could suffer from alcohol fetal syndrome, or has gone through drug withdrawal? Almost all adopted children will have problems.

    - Take the question of closed vs. open adoption and turn it around: what is best for the child(ren) you're adopting? Some children will benefit from early contact, or continued contact (that is eventually terminated). It's not just a question of birth mother and / or father: what if they have older siblings? Does the child have contact with extended family, such as grandparents, aunts, and / or uncles? Also consider that you will want to know as much as possible about the child(re)n you're adopting, and that includes pictures, gifts, letters, etc., from family (that it would be up to you to share). Some children won't benefit from continued contact. It depends on the child.

    - You tell your children they're adopted, by telling them they're adopted, and being as open, and honest about it. If you can turn 'adopted', and 'adoption', and similar language into loving language, rather than 'dirty' words ('no one loves you because you're adopted!'), it will help in the long term (even if the children are young, and forget over time: it's still in their, in the back of their minds, whether they're aware or not). There's not very many good reasons to hide that they're adoption.

    - Keep the reality of adoption in mind for your future adopted children: you're taking them into your home, and they're being placed into your home. You're strangers to each other, and it won't be easy for your children. If they've been with foster carers, then that's a relationship they'll be losing (and will hopefully be sad about). If you can, it's best to take time with your children (you, your husband, and children, and no one else) to get to know each other. If there are attachment issues, then having family visit and then leave, for example, would not be helpful to their settling with you.

    - If the adoption vetting process is anything like it is here, be prepared to have all aspects of your life examined. Then examined again; then examined some more.

    - Be prepared for disappointment

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    • #3
      Re: Adoption

      Why would you wait to tell them they were adopted? Why not tell them when they are old enough to understand?
      "He's wild, you know. Not like a tame lion."
      C.S. Lewis, "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe."

      "Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years"
      "Sometimes the sky rains night after night, When will it clear?"

      "But our Hope endures the worst of conditions"
      "It's more than our optimism, Let the earth quake"
      "Our Hope is unchanged"
      "Our Hope Endures" Natalie Grant

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Adoption

        We would be adopting a newborn, so that's why I am saying when should we tell "when they are older" meaning old enough to understand, and how to do it lovingly.
        Why are you searching for love? Why are you still looking as if I'm not enough?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Adoption

          Originally posted by lovex View Post
          We would be adopting a newborn, so that's why I am saying when should we tell "when they are older" meaning old enough to understand, and how to do it lovingly.
          Newborns aren't the only group of children who aren't old enough to understand. As for the explanation: you would, I hope, do so with Scripture as a backdrop. For example:


          Galatians 4:4-5
          When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.

          Romans 8:15-16
          You did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.

          Romans 8:22-23
          The whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

          Ephesians 1:4-6
          He chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.


          Joseph, after all, adopted Jesus as his own son. I wouldn't get too caught up on waiting for 'old enough to understand'. Read them Scripture concerning adoption; read them children's books about adoption, use adoption language regularly when they're young, and when they are old enough to start asking questions, make sure that you have the information about their birth parents that they will want to know. You're going to be looking after these children, you're going to be their parents, but don't make the mistake of thinking that they're your children. You don't own them, you're their caretaker, they are going to have questions, and it's going to be much easier if you can provide them with the answers they're looking for. Identity questions are profound, and you'll want to help them with those, rather than have them go out and try to find themselves on their own (at least, as much as you can help them). The how you do this is up to you, and the child in question. If you try to hide the fact that they are adopted from them, you will regret it, and if they ever find out, they will regret it, and possibly resent you for it.

          Also keep in mind that they will never replace the children you can't have. Be aware of the tendency to force them into this position, as it will only lead to disappointment, anger, feelings of inadequacy for your child(ren), and so on.

          As for my own approach: it will be matter of fact.

          Child: am I adopted?
          Me: yes, what do you want to know?

          Of course, my wife, and I, will have hopefully laid down a foundation over the course of years because the question is this blunt.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Adoption

            Thank you so much for your advice.

            We first want to adopt and then, Lord Willing a few years later have a child (through birth). Adoption has always been apart of our hearts and we feel that the Lord is calling us to do so.
            Why are you searching for love? Why are you still looking as if I'm not enough?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Adoption

              Originally posted by lovex View Post
              Thank you so much for your advice.

              We first want to adopt and then, Lord Willing a few years later have a child (through birth). Adoption has always been apart of our hearts and we feel that the Lord is calling us to do so.
              I'd like my own kids, but c'est la vie. Someone else's will have to do, and then we'll need to make parenting great again

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Adoption

                Just wanted to say thank you for this thread, it's helped to answer a few questions I had. My wife and I are considering this step...

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