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Pretending to know God, until I got to know God

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  • Pretending to know God, until I got to know God

    Where did I come from?

    I was baptized at age 9 years old, because I wanted to please my parents, I also wanted to look good in the church eyes. At that time, I only new bible stories as they were told to me, in snippets during my attendance in Sunday School Classes.

    At age 9 years old, I was use to being obedient, my dad only had to snap his fingers and us kids knew we were suppose to stop what we were doing and fall in line, for whatever he had to tell us. I did as I was told and my parents took me to church and told me that I was to believe in Jesus. Not only was I trained to be well disciplined, It was important to me that I please my parents. In reflection, I feel this is especially so, because I was adopted. Although, my parents chose me to live and be their daughter however, not all of the relatives were as accepting. I found myself trying to please people so, they would want me. I believed in Jesus because my parents believed in Jesus.

    Although, my mother had been sick throughout most of my life, she became too sick to attend church when I was age 11 years old. She became an invalid. When my mother stopped attending church, my whole family stopped attending. My knowledge of Jesus was limited to what I had learned through Sunday School, and I was not motivated to read the bible on my own. I never grew in the word. It was sad because although, I could say that I was baptized, I could not say why I believed in Jesus, except it is what my parent's believed, therefore I believed.

    What changed/ what happened?

    As I became a young adult, age 20 years old, I felt something was missing in my life, so, I visited a church, First Baptist Church on the hill, in San Jose. The sermon was about wether we were sure if we were Saved or Going to Hell? Although, I heard "Once Saved Always Saved", I was not so sure. Tears ran down my face, uncontrollably during the service.

    During my Jr. High School years, I had a graphic nightmare that I was going to Hell. I shared the horrible dream with my family. For the longest time, I could not go to the bathroom unless the door was all the way open or all the way shut. If, I babysat for the neighbors I would not use their bathroom the entire time I was there. I would hold it. So, the feeling of not being saved was something that plagued me for some time, and not just a response to returning to church after such a long time.

    I felt lead to rededicate my life to Jesus and I was baptized again However, it was my choice and I knew I needed Jesus to complete my life. After that, I felt a sense of peace that has never left me.

    Unfortunately, I never read the bible on my own. Although, I tried to read it on my own, my Mom had always taught me to only go by what was in the King James Version, but I had a difficulty following it, and gave up trying. Instead, I waited to read my bible at church. (Later, I found NIV more easier to read, and now, I enjoy reading both versions side by side for a better understanding, but that did not happen until last year when I started attending an awesome bible study group on Monday nights, started by a former neighbor.)

    Then, I got busy working four jobs at a time, volunteering my time on the Rape Crisis Line, and at the Y.W.C.A., CAPP and other community programs. I became so busy serving my community, I left no time for God. Back then, I never really prayed to God on a regularly basis, only when I felt I needed God, otherwise, I was busy making my own choices. Pride was a sin that trapped me, and still tries to ensnare me, if, I don't keep the Armor of God on. I stopped going to church in pursuit of my career.

    Even after my career was established, I did not return to the church, therefore, I did not grow in my knowledge of Jesus and how God wanted me to live my life. I dated, got married and divorced without God's guidance. I made up my own moral code. I would wait for a guy to take me on 40 dates before I would sleep with him, thinking it was a moral compromise for the society I was living in, and my Christian values. After all, I was no longer a virgin. That was a lie that I allowed Satan to feed into my thoughts because I was unaware of what God wanted, because I never bothered to learn. Ignorance is bliss, except there's a cost and now that I know better, I have repented and sin no more that particular sin. Now I do not worry whether or not others do not agree with my pledge to live my life under God. If they do not agree with God's way then they are just stumbling blocks.

    My divorce was a dark time for me, because my Achilles' heel was and still is the safety and well being of my children. My ex-husband terrorized my children with his cruelty. I will not go into the gory details of everything that they went through, just know that I was spinning my wheels in man's court. I knew to turn towards Jesus, and I prayed that he would do what was best for my children. It got worse before it got better, and I did not see that God was at work the whole time. I let the devil delude me into succumbing to heavy depression. I lost my job, I got arrested, I lost my home that I thought I was buying, I lost my van, I lost my family and my friends. In addition, I had to move into a homeless shelter with my children. All of it a blessing. Because, my ex (who never visited or called our two daughters for over a year) in order to look good in court he wanted the kids. My kids would have loved it but he would leave them with relatives they didn't know or if he kept them he was mean the entire time. Due to my job loss, I had no income, my ex was planning on getting child support. when he was not going to get any money there was no incentive for him to keep the girls. Although, I was living in a homeless shelter, my ex could not take the girls away from me due to the shelter was funded by government funds and monitored my family while living in their facility and they were able to report on how well adjusted me girls were. There was the problem where Social Services wanted my ex to pay me child support, so, he wanted to have the kids more time, thinking he would get to pay less child support, but fortunately the courts kept the visits as they were. That made my ex very mad that he was paying more money and he would take out his anger on my children. I had to do something.

    I prayed regularly, I returned to church, I returned to reading the bible where I came across a passage that changed my circumstances I Corinthians 6:1-10 basically, it advises taking our problems to God's court vs. man's court. I took all of my court papers over to my ex's house, pictures of where he had hurt my girls, any and all evidence I had and I threw it in the garbage can at his house. My ex's was suspicious at first but in time he was able to see I was genuine. I told that I did not want to fight anymore, nor did I plan to ever go back to court. I signed a waiver that I did not want his child support. Although, I was still living in a homeless shelter at the time with my children, I knew God would provide. I did not want the child support if it was going to cost my children's emotional stability. Eventually he calmed down and stopped fighting and so did I. Good things started happening for me and my family. I found a job, I moved out of the shelter into a two bedroom apartment, and an old school friend who I ran across said she had an extra car and she gave it to me. This was 4 years ago, and it is still running well. I feel so blessed. When I listened to God, my life fell back to order on its own.

    Where am I now?

    I am reading the bible, via daily devotionals and through this bible study that meets each Monday, and another I attend every two weeks at Mount Olive, where we are reading the bible verse by verse, starting in Genesis, we are now in the book of Exodus. I have switched my radio station in my car to KLOVE and/or AIR ONE Christian music. It was not easy at first, I switched back a few times to my classic rock tunes. I found Secular music, made me to think of myself and issues in my life, but Christian music makes me think of God, and how he is blessing me. Surprisingly, it was my 14 year old daughter who pushed me to listen to it. I am more selective of what I watch on television.

    I've been blessed with two wonderful daughters, who both have a heart for the Lord. Amber, as well as Madison, have helped me to grow in the Word of Our Heavenly Father. In their innocence, through their prayers and questions that only a child pure in heart would ask, they keep me grounded. Together, all three of us, are taking time to learn about God, and although sometimes we get busy in the things we like to do by ourselves, we have grown closer through our desire to follow God.
    Last edited by loredojam; Oct 4th 2008, 03:47 PM. Reason: church was written where court needed to be

  • #2
    Thank you for sharing, i gave you some reputation because of the position of the Word of God/ the bible in your life now.

    I wanted to send you a private message, but it isn't possible.

    May i ask here then - At what age do you consider you became a Christian?

    Your baptism at 9, sounds so like my comfirmation in the Anglican church. I was baptised as a baby at a few days old. Comfirmed at 11, to please my parents, the church and to at last take communion - because i had to have a blessing, when everyone else took communion.

    Yes like you i knew the good bible stories!

    I came to faith at 30 - 17 years after leaving the church.

    I became a Christian for the first time at 30.

    My point is, i am told i need to be baptised. If i agree that my baptism as a baby was invalid - as i couldn't confess my sins first, and my confirmation is invalid as i didn't want to come to Christ or even know what it meant, i just wanted to please my parents and the congregation and knew a few bible stories - are you also being told you need to be baptised? To repent of your sins publically and turn to Christ?

    The fact that you give your testimony, stating you are now a believer and living right and before you were not- points to me at least - that if i need baptism, so does anyone who knows their first baptism was invalid - because they didn't repent or turn to Christ as their personal saviour.

    I'd appreciate your loving help in my search for truth. God bless, SofTy.
    1 Corinthians 1:12-13 Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of Apollos: and I of Cephas; and I of Christ.

    Is Christ divided? was Paul crucified for you? or were ye baptised in the name of Paul?


    May the power of the Spirit of our God unite us. SofTy.


    • #3
      Loredojam, I praise the Lord with you, my sister-in-Christ...God has such mercy and love, doesn't HE?!!!!! HE is always there waiting on us to reach out for HIM...When we do, HE snatches us back into HIS loving arms....Oh, how I thank HIM everyday for loving me!!!

      May you continue on your Godly Quest...HE will use you and your family mightly, if you let HIM...After all, we are HIS mouth, hands, and feet here on earth!!!

      Glory to God and may HE continue to bless you!!!!
      John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that HE gave HIS only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in HIM should not perish, but have eternal life.

      My testimony:


      • #4
        Hey Softy,

        Thanks for reading and responding to my testimony. To answer your question, it was a personal choice for me to get baptize a second time.

        Being baptized does not Save a person from hell. The thief on the cross, next to Jesus, did not get baptized, still he was promised a place in eternity for his belief in Christ Himself. That is the only way, to salvation.

        That being said, once we accept Jesus, as Christians we should walk according to the path Jesus has set for us to follow. In Matthew 28:18-20 Jesus commands all people, in becoming His disciples, to be taught His word and be baptized.

        At 9 years old, I was not prepared to be a disciple. It wasn't until I was older, and lost my way from God, that I really appreciated all that God has done, and was confident in believing in Him. At 20 years old, I was willing and ready to accept discipleship, being baptized gave me a chance to share my change in front of witnesses.

        God knows our hearts. Our personal relationship with Our Heavenly Father, is most important.

        I hope that helps. Much love.



        • #5
          Originally posted by livingwaters View Post
          Loredojam, I praise the Lord with you, my sister-in-Christ...God has such mercy and love, doesn't HE?!!!!! HE is always there waiting on us to reach out for HIM...When we do, HE snatches us back into HIS loving arms....Oh, how I thank HIM everyday for loving me!!!

          May you continue on your Godly Quest...HE will use you and your family mightly, if you let HIM...After all, we are HIS mouth, hands, and feet here on earth!!!

          Glory to God and may HE continue to bless you!!!!
          Hello There Livingwaters,

          Thank you for your words of encouragement and for sharing your testimony. I enjoyed it very much.



          • #6
            i'm glad you shared this, and i'm glad i could read it. Jesus saves indeed!


            • #7
              Thank you for sharing Many times our experiences are helpful to others
              The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23


              • #8

                I think Many guys tend to make those common mistakes that violate the principle above. That's why those mistakes tend to make the situation worse than before, making it harder for them to get ex girlfriend back. I wonder if Christians are any other caste matters..! if there is love..!

                You know what have happen to my relatives couple - 30 days later they were at court and the court graciously (I always laugh at that one) said Uncle could visit with my children as long as it was a safe area (my in-laws-house). It was nice to see them, and even his mother-in-law (now get this), said at the time my ex-wife was nuts, but it was out of her hands. AND and and ...... they

                The Magic of Making Up



                • #9
                  I love this testimony to the faithfulness of our God, and your simple honesty.


                  • #10
                    that was absolutely lovely thank you so much for sharing may God continue to Bless you and your Girls!
                    I will sing of your works & your mighty ways
                    My Rock & My Salvation
                    Who will hide me in the time of trouble?
                    Who is like the lord, so full of gace and truth!