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My testimony - If God can forgive me, He can forgive ANYONE!!!!

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  • My testimony - If God can forgive me, He can forgive ANYONE!!!!

    Hey, everyone;

    For some reason, I felt compelled to re-post my testimony. I will try not to go off on too many tangents. The Lord has just done so much in my life, and has brought me through so much, and I would like to share it with all of you. God has been beyond good and faithful, and even in my direst straits, my loneliest times, I look back and know that He was there.

    I should have lost my sanity years ago. Frankly, I should be dead, but my God is faithful, and patient, and through all of my years of rebelliousness and the numerous times that I've hurt my Saviour....I just can't believe how He's pulled me through.

    I was raised in by a single mom in a Christian home, and Assembly of God church. I did not have much contact with my father. My mother was an isolationist, and suffered from depression. She would cry a lot, but she loved the Lord. My dad was a very cold and intimidating man, and I was scared of him. I hated having to visit him during the summer. His family was very nice, but I never bonded with any of them. When I was there, I felt like an outsider. He lived in Missouri, and I lived in California. I hated being so far away.

    My dad would get drunk a lot. I also had this uncle who was overly-friendly with me. I believe that he did things that were "inappropriate," but I believe I blocked it out. I remember my dad walking in on him one time, and told him to get out. I never saw him after that. At the time, I was very young, so I didn't really understand what was going on.

    I was teased a lot growing up, and only had a couple of friends. Everyone told me that I was stupid and weird. I was a loner, and the kids didn't care much for me. All throughout my childhood, I had an intense fear of the dark that left me unable to sleep sometimes. I was afraid of demons in our house. I would also hear voices in my head at night -- many voices, talking at the same time in a foreign language, then whispering my name. They never scared me, just annoyed me. I always wanted to understand what they were saying. This went on until I was 13.

    When I was 14, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. That was a very hard and scary time in my life. She was in and out of hospitals until she died when I was 22.

    When she was in the hospital, I was basically alone in the house, except for when my friend would come and stay with me. This happened when I was 14. I had no family at the time. I remember one Christmas decorating the tree, and crying over my loneliness. My dad didn't know she was sick, and he lived out-of-state, and my mom had no contact with her family, so I had no family support at the time. I don't think anyone at my church even cared. No one ever asked how I was doing.

    I became anorexic and isolated. I was so far-gone from God, that the thought never even occurred to me to go to Him. I just basically delved into my studies and tried to ignore the pain. I graduated early, and went to college. I experimented with crystal meth because it helped to numb the pain, and gave me a false sense of excitement and happiness. I pretty much used on and off for the rest of my life, until about a year ago, when the Lord finally delivered me.

    I got married when I was 21 to a guy who I only dated for a few months. He was funny and intelligent, but I wasn't in love with him. Even so, I knew my mom would die very soon, so I married him to avoid being alone. My mother passed away a couple of years later. She was really depressed. At the night of her funeral, I remember crying on his shoulder, and him giving me no emotional support. I felt like an idiot. That night, I ingested mass quantities of meth in order to numb the pain. It was weird being in her house and getting loaded, knowing that she was gone.

    Now, my only family was my loveless marriage. It became abusive. One time the neighbors called the police on us after he threw me against the wall. It wasn't like that all the time, but the scariest time was when he dragged me behind a moving car. I know that God kept me alive that night.

    It was a horrible marriage. I could feel myself moving further and further away from God as the years went by. The things that we dabbled in together were so sordid that most of them I cannot mention. We lived the life of swingers in the city of San Francisco, but we were so far out there, and things went downhill fast. We engaged in every sordid activity imaginable, which culminated with our involvement in the adult film industry (of which I will spare you the details). He was my manager. It was horrifically degrading, and I absolutely loathed myself. In my heart of hearts, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just didn't care. He was happy because I was making $$$$, and he didn't have to work.

    By this time, I was smoking pot and meth on a regular basis, and hated myself with a passion. This lasted for about 6 months, when I told him that I just couldn't take being in the porn industry anymore. He told me what a complete ***** I was, and how I was ruining everything. He hated me.

    I hated myself, and started cutting myself. It hurt, but I felt I deserved it. He caught me doing this one day, and I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I don't remember how long I was there, but I remember the first 3 days I slept the whole time. I was prescribed lithium. My husband called my estranged dad to tell him that his daughter was a lunatic.

    About year later, he divorced me. He kicked me out of the house, and I went to stay with a friend, and started doing mass quantities of meth again. That was my pathetic life. I got a job, and managed to get a place, but had to move out due to financial difficulties. I went to a homeless shelter. My next boyfriend beat me on a regular basis. He told me that I was worthless, and damaged goods, because I had been in the adult film industry. I believed him, so I stayed with him for about 2 years. We lived in hotels, and finally we got an apartment. I was in love with him, and financially supported him.....more like I was in bondage to that relationship. He would get drunk and beat me constantly. The night I left him, he came home drunk, beat me to a pulp, put his fingers in my mouth and tore it open, and almost asphyxiated me to death. I remember as I was losing air, I thought for sure he would kill me, because he was drunk, so I cried out in my mind "Lord, if you have any mercy or compassion left for me, please send your angels of protection." I swear that it was the Lord, because at that moment, he let go of me, and started to calm down. He said that he didn't know why he didn't killl me, but next time, he would. Then he drugged me so I wouldn't go report him. The next morning I went to work and never went back to him. I ended up getting a restraining order on him, but I lost all of my possessions, because I was too scared to go back and get them.

    So, once again, I was homeless. I went to stay with a friend, and started doing mass quantities of pot and meth. It was constantly getting loaded, and not caring about anything. I can't believe that after God saved my life like that, that I would actually go back to that life style, but at that point I didn't care about much....even at the lowest point of my despair, God's gentle mercies were there. I was just too foolhardy to acknowledge them.

    My friend and I got in a fight, and she kicked me out. For the next 2 months, I lived in my van. I was digging out of trash cans and begging for money in order to eat, so that I could get the $$$ together for an apartment. Well, I finally got into a place, but I continued smoking pot, and getting loaded on meth. I was completely depressed, and hopeless. Life had absolutely no meaning except for surviving, and getting high. It was at this time that God spoke to me.

    I started listening to the Christian teaching station while driving every day. The pastors talked a lot about God's love, mercy, and grace. I was in such a dark place, and this was exactly what I needed to hear. It was as though God was gently speaking to me, saying "I'm still here, my child, and I'm waiting. Please come back." It was such a draw of love and compassion, that I just couldn't resist. I invited Christ back into my life, and His love, grace, and mercy have carried me back to the shore.

    At that point, I just felt so beat-up, worn-out, used, and abused, and God took all of that, and filled me with His Holy Spirit. Looking back, I realize that through all of the hell that I went through, all the times that I thought God was nowhere, that God was actually there, and He was protecting me and waiting for me to come home to Him.

    For years, I thought I'd be better off dead. I am so glad that now I am alive in Christ!! Praise you, my beautiful and wonderful Saviour, for Your infinite mercies, Your love, Your grace, and Your compassion!!!!

    If you are still reading this, thank you.
    Last edited by Equipped_4_Love; Oct 27th 2008, 08:05 AM.

  • #2
    I'm glad you decided to share your testimony God is our light in the darkness
    The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. Psalm 23


    • #3
      Hi Welder,
      ‘Amazing testimony!
      You’ve been through so much and yet God is so ready and able to save.

      Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
      2Corinthians 5:17

      Thanks for sharing that with us.

      PS: don’t forget to add your testimony link to your personal page.
      I think it’s in the “about me” tab.


      • #4
        God Bless you

        John 3:16
        "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
        Come, Lord Jesus

        I Have given them the glory that you gave me, That they may be one as we are one: I in Them And You In Me. May they be brought to complete unityto let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me -Lord Jesus: John 17:22,23



        • #5
          What a wonderful testimony. Praise be to God!


          • #6
            Awesome testimony, thank you for sharing.


            • #7
              Wow! an amazing testimony of God's love and mercy.
              Thank you for sharing.

              God bless you.


              • #8
                Thank you, SofTy.
                1 Corinthians 1:12-13 Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of Apollos: and I of Cephas; and I of Christ.

                Is Christ divided? was Paul crucified for you? or were ye baptised in the name of Paul?


                May the power of the Spirit of our God unite us. SofTy.