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  • Feeling persecuted and alone

    Hello, I need some help because I think I'm finished with life. I feel I have done everything I could, but I no longer have the strength or authority to help anyone with their faith. I feel like a chaff scattered by the wind. I'm tired all the time; my heart is utterly shattered. I want to exit my body and never look back. I feel like if I died, I would be so happy! The only thing stopping me is the chance that I'll go to hell for suicide like I read in the Divine Comedy (end up as a bleeding tree or something). I have read the bible, acted on it, I talk about Jesus all the time with my friends and whoever I come into contact with (if the situation allows it); however I feel hated on because I feel in the back of my mind as though people think I'll have a higher position in heaven than them.

    Nothing while I'm awake gives me any happiness. I use alcohol, cigarettes, coffee and cannabis, and I want to quit everything and take up the cross and follow the Holy Spirit. But then I don't know where to go or what to do. However, when I dream, I am happy and wish I could enter that world forever. For example, last night I dreamt that I met a friendly black bear who licked my hand and I rode on his back. I also have dreams where I can fly. One time while I was flying I saw some people and one said to another "did he find the triforce". These are all vivid visions I get while I sleep.

    I have seen many angels and even welcomed an ex girlfriend into the dream world with me. When she cheated on me, I knew the exact details right away through visions and broke up with her. At the start of the relationship I was already having visions of her during the day while awake, which drew me to her thinking it was meant to be.

    Now I am alone and don't know what to do anymore. I wish it was all over; I wish it was done; I feel deeply humiliated all the time. I feel I cannot be myself. Furthermore, I feel like God will send me to hell if I am myself - because I have grown strong in scripture and in faith, beyond that of the normal person. If I am myself, I hurt people because I rise above them. I feel like I cannot rise above others due to this. But did Jesus care about such things? Reminds me of scripture "I will give you authority over the nations, to rule them with an iron rod, like when clay pots are shattered, even as I received authority from my father". But the fools are many and over the last two years I have bended to them because I feel I have done wrong.

    Going back to the ex girlfriend thing, I talked to her new boyfriend and cursed him. Two days later he said that he was struck by the arrow of an angel. After I cursed him, the Holy Spirit tokld me "what have you done?". This was the moment that I started bending to fools, because I wasn't able to give the Lord an answer. Since then I have been quiet and helpless. I will finish with a question for the reader: Do you think I will go to hell for having more knowledge about truth than the unbeliever, and using my knowledge to destroy the wicked in word battles or arguments? I know in the old testament it was good to utterly destroy the wicked from the midst of Israel, but Jesus said to turn the other cheek when someone strikes you, and to be meek, so that you can inherit the kingdom. Please help

  • #2
    Originally posted by INeedJesus View Post
    Do you think I will go to hell for having more knowledge about truth than the unbeliever, and using my knowledge to destroy the wicked in word battles or arguments?
    People will end up missing out on salvation because they've chosen a set of values contrary to those of the Kindgom of Heaven. You said that you've read the Bible and acted on it, but I'm not sure. I'm not doubting you, but rather, in my experience, most people who say they've read the Bible and acted on it don't know about the teachings of Jesus. For example, Jesus said that we cannot work for both God and money at the same time without cheating on one or the other and that our new job is to seek his kingdom first. He said we should keep our praying, fasting, and charity-giving secret, that we should not swear for any reason, and that we should not use special titles of flatter like father, Mr, or Sir.

    If you feel like you want to practice those teachings, then I think you life will have more meaning. Let me know if you'd like to hear more.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by INeedJesus View Post
      Hello, I need some help because I think I'm finished with life. I feel I have done everything I could, but I no longer have the strength or authority to help anyone with their faith. I feel like a chaff scattered by the wind. I'm tired all the time; my heart is utterly shattered. I want to exit my body and never look back. I feel like if I died, I would be so happy! The only thing stopping me is the chance that I'll go to hell for suicide like I read in the Divine Comedy (end up as a bleeding tree or something). I have read the bible, acted on it, I talk about Jesus all the time with my friends and whoever I come into contact with (if the situation allows it); however I feel hated on because I feel in the back of my mind as though people think I'll have a higher position in heaven than them.

      Nothing while I'm awake gives me any happiness. I use alcohol, cigarettes, coffee and cannabis, and I want to quit everything and take up the cross and follow the Holy Spirit. But then I don't know where to go or what to do. However, when I dream, I am happy and wish I could enter that world forever. For example, last night I dreamt that I met a friendly black bear who licked my hand and I rode on his back. I also have dreams where I can fly. One time while I was flying I saw some people and one said to another "did he find the triforce". These are all vivid visions I get while I sleep.

      I have seen many angels and even welcomed an ex girlfriend into the dream world with me. When she cheated on me, I knew the exact details right away through visions and broke up with her. At the start of the relationship I was already having visions of her during the day while awake, which drew me to her thinking it was meant to be.

      Now I am alone and don't know what to do anymore. I wish it was all over; I wish it was done; I feel deeply humiliated all the time. I feel I cannot be myself. Furthermore, I feel like God will send me to hell if I am myself - because I have grown strong in scripture and in faith, beyond that of the normal person. If I am myself, I hurt people because I rise above them. I feel like I cannot rise above others due to this. But did Jesus care about such things? Reminds me of scripture "I will give you authority over the nations, to rule them with an iron rod, like when clay pots are shattered, even as I received authority from my father". But the fools are many and over the last two years I have bended to them because I feel I have done wrong.

      Going back to the ex girlfriend thing, I talked to her new boyfriend and cursed him. Two days later he said that he was struck by the arrow of an angel. After I cursed him, the Holy Spirit tokld me "what have you done?". This was the moment that I started bending to fools, because I wasn't able to give the Lord an answer. Since then I have been quiet and helpless. I will finish with a question for the reader: Do you think I will go to hell for having more knowledge about truth than the unbeliever, and using my knowledge to destroy the wicked in word battles or arguments? I know in the old testament it was good to utterly destroy the wicked from the midst of Israel, but Jesus said to turn the other cheek when someone strikes you, and to be meek, so that you can inherit the kingdom. Please help
      You seem to be fairly young in life, and yet a genuine Christian, established in the faith. You "feel" better than others because you are open to the Spirit of God, to relationship with Him, and to the truths of His word. However, this is "early leavening"--the rise of confidence that comes when God wants to encourage you in your early growth. Perhaps you weren't always so spiritual, and now are beginning to "take off?"

      Don't let pride get hold of you. Part of what is humbling you now, and making you feel worthless, is not just the circumstances of people hating you or girlfriends quitting you--rather, it's God gradually breaking you from an infatuation with the *power* of the Gospel, to begin living out normal life with its ebbs and flows. You have to get beyond the "power" highs to going through life, preaching the Gospel "in season and out of season."

      Watchman Nee was a great help for me in this. As a young adult I read his books, and in times of discouragement he would put me back on track with his divine revelations, with his balanced approach to the word of God. No matter what we go through he understood God is putting us through these things to break us from our self-confidence to rely on a God-confidence. We can't deliver ourselves--He must deliver us.

      Your helpless feeling is, I think, normal. Even dreams are things I've had myself, and they are transitory. Experiences are wonderful, and they will always be there--just not when you want them. They will come when God feels you need them, or wants you to have them, to use you.

      After you've learned all these things--for as long as it takes--God will use you to more effect. And that will make you feel good, useful, and bound for heaven.

      Heaven is not something that you get and lose, achieve one day and lose the next. No, salvation is when you let God dwell in you as your *only God,* as God even over your own desires. There is nothing wrong with having normal human desires. Just let it take 2nd place to God's will. Then all will turn out okay in the end, if you endure long enough. Be prepared to endure your whole life. With a full commitment, God will dwell in you permanently, and nothing will be able, ultimately, to shake your confidence.

      Comment

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