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Feeling persecuted and alone

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  • Feeling persecuted and alone

    Hello, I need some help because I think I'm finished with life. I feel I have done everything I could, but I no longer have the strength or authority to help anyone with their faith. I feel like a chaff scattered by the wind. I'm tired all the time; my heart is utterly shattered. I want to exit my body and never look back. I feel like if I died, I would be so happy! The only thing stopping me is the chance that I'll go to hell for suicide like I read in the Divine Comedy (end up as a bleeding tree or something). I have read the bible, acted on it, I talk about Jesus all the time with my friends and whoever I come into contact with (if the situation allows it); however I feel hated on because I feel in the back of my mind as though people think I'll have a higher position in heaven than them.

    Nothing while I'm awake gives me any happiness. I use alcohol, cigarettes, coffee and cannabis, and I want to quit everything and take up the cross and follow the Holy Spirit. But then I don't know where to go or what to do. However, when I dream, I am happy and wish I could enter that world forever. For example, last night I dreamt that I met a friendly black bear who licked my hand and I rode on his back. I also have dreams where I can fly. One time while I was flying I saw some people and one said to another "did he find the triforce". These are all vivid visions I get while I sleep.

    I have seen many angels and even welcomed an ex girlfriend into the dream world with me. When she cheated on me, I knew the exact details right away through visions and broke up with her. At the start of the relationship I was already having visions of her during the day while awake, which drew me to her thinking it was meant to be.

    Now I am alone and don't know what to do anymore. I wish it was all over; I wish it was done; I feel deeply humiliated all the time. I feel I cannot be myself. Furthermore, I feel like God will send me to hell if I am myself - because I have grown strong in scripture and in faith, beyond that of the normal person. If I am myself, I hurt people because I rise above them. I feel like I cannot rise above others due to this. But did Jesus care about such things? Reminds me of scripture "I will give you authority over the nations, to rule them with an iron rod, like when clay pots are shattered, even as I received authority from my father". But the fools are many and over the last two years I have bended to them because I feel I have done wrong.

    Going back to the ex girlfriend thing, I talked to her new boyfriend and cursed him. Two days later he said that he was struck by the arrow of an angel. After I cursed him, the Holy Spirit tokld me "what have you done?". This was the moment that I started bending to fools, because I wasn't able to give the Lord an answer. Since then I have been quiet and helpless. I will finish with a question for the reader: Do you think I will go to hell for having more knowledge about truth than the unbeliever, and using my knowledge to destroy the wicked in word battles or arguments? I know in the old testament it was good to utterly destroy the wicked from the midst of Israel, but Jesus said to turn the other cheek when someone strikes you, and to be meek, so that you can inherit the kingdom. Please help