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  • Not sure where to post this, but need to get something off my chest

    Hi all, new user here. I hope that I'm posting this in the right spot, and if I'm not I ask that you would all have patience with me and redirect me to where I need to go. Meanwhile, I hope that it's okay to post this here. Long story short, I've been dealing with a situation for five years, and because of things that have happened, I have a lot of anger toward God that I don't know how to deal with. My relationship with Him is very fragmented, and was never really solid to begin with. Here is my story...

    I decided to become a Christian in 2013 after a "life crisis" came at me out of nowhere and turned my whole life upside down. It lead me think about God more than I ever had, and I eventually prayed to receive Christ. I was all alone and with little guidance, and had no idea what I was doing because I didn't grow up in a Christian home. In fact, my childhood home was like living in a war zone every day and I had a father who basically did everything to destroy my life and tear out family apart. I ended up in a church for the next two years where I was taught false doctrine, deceived and basically lead to believe that God was a monster, and that experience really did a lot to mess me up and traumatize me. I was afraid of God and hated Him because I came to believe that all of my life's troubles were caused by Him and that He was bringing these terrible things on me just because He hated me, and that He hated me just because I existed. In 2015, I finally found the courage to break free from that terrible church, which I later learned was a cult, and for awhile wanted nothing to do with God, but eventually came around and joined the church I now attend and got baptized. The day that I got baptized was when my relationship with God really started to take off. That day, God literally came down to me and showed me His face, and I was able to believe for the first time in my life all of the things the Bible says about Him. God showed me His love and also lifted off what He later showed me was demonic oppression from my old church. After He did this, He called me into what He wanted for my life, which was to go back to school and get a degree in something that He put on my heart to pursue, something I really wanted, and provided and made a way for it to happen. He poured out every blessing and good thing I could have ever wanted and made my life absolutely perfect for the first time in my existence...but unfortunately, things didn't stay that way.

    I was still struggling with some things from the past. My old church had gotten me entangled in legalism, and while I had managed to shed legalism in most parts of my life, there was still one area that had me snagged. I was struggling with whether or not it was a sin for me as a Christian to use student loans to pay for my education, and the negative attitudes that I had encountered in both my old church and my new church about debt made me hesitant, even scared, to take it out if I had to. As a result, I refused to do it as a precaution, and decided that the best way to make sure I never had to have going into debt even be a possibility was to keep a job that I had been working during my time away from school during the two years I was in my awful first church and because this seemed like a foolproof way to keep myself from going into debt as I believed I was commanded to do, I thought it was what God wanted for me, too. Needless to say, this was an area of legalism that God was trying to get me to renounce during that whole semester, but I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing that I wouldn't listen to Him. After I had gotten baptized, I went from hating God to be totally and completely on fire for Him and wanted to go as far as I could for Him and please Him as much as possible...I believed that doing what I was doing, doing these "extra" things that I technically didn't have to do, was a part of that and that God was so pleased with the idea of me doing it that He eventually came to expect it from me. Needless to say, my desire to go as far as I possibly could and please God as much as I possibly could lead me down a slippery slope of legalism that I never attended, and it eventually lead me to disobedience because I kept continuing to reject God's will for me to quit my job, even at the risk of taking out debt. I went back to being afraid of God and my life basically relapsed into what it had been before I got baptized, and not only did it degenerate, but I also missed God's will for my life and missed out on the chance to have the beautiful thing He created for me and me for and I know that when I did this, I missed my destiny. In fact, it almost felt like God made it go away because of my failure to choose it, like He went and smashed it. The whole time I was doing what I was doing, I didn't want to be doing it and it just seems like God didn't care about that part or want to acknowledge that....I wish I wouldn't have done what I did, but I also wish that God would have shown me mercy and allowed me to keep what He had given me despite my mistake...

    Thank you all for listening to me. It's late, so my story is kind of fuzzy, but I am willing to go into more details as the discussion goes on. Thanks, all.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Lillybelle22 View Post
    Hi all, new user here. I hope that I'm posting this in the right spot, and if I'm not I ask that you would all have patience with me and redirect me to where I need to go. Meanwhile, I hope that it's okay to post this here. Long story short, I've been dealing with a situation for five years, and because of things that have happened, I have a lot of anger toward God that I don't know how to deal with. My relationship with Him is very fragmented, and was never really solid to begin with. Here is my story...

    I decided to become a Christian in 2013 after a "life crisis" came at me out of nowhere and turned my whole life upside down. It lead me think about God more than I ever had, and I eventually prayed to receive Christ. I was all alone and with little guidance, and had no idea what I was doing because I didn't grow up in a Christian home. In fact, my childhood home was like living in a war zone every day and I had a father who basically did everything to destroy my life and tear out family apart. I ended up in a church for the next two years where I was taught false doctrine, deceived and basically lead to believe that God was a monster, and that experience really did a lot to mess me up and traumatize me. I was afraid of God and hated Him because I came to believe that all of my life's troubles were caused by Him and that He was bringing these terrible things on me just because He hated me, and that He hated me just because I existed. In 2015, I finally found the courage to break free from that terrible church, which I later learned was a cult, and for awhile wanted nothing to do with God, but eventually came around and joined the church I now attend and got baptized. The day that I got baptized was when my relationship with God really started to take off. That day, God literally came down to me and showed me His face, and I was able to believe for the first time in my life all of the things the Bible says about Him. God showed me His love and also lifted off what He later showed me was demonic oppression from my old church. After He did this, He called me into what He wanted for my life, which was to go back to school and get a degree in something that He put on my heart to pursue, something I really wanted, and provided and made a way for it to happen. He poured out every blessing and good thing I could have ever wanted and made my life absolutely perfect for the first time in my existence...but unfortunately, things didn't stay that way.

    I was still struggling with some things from the past. My old church had gotten me entangled in legalism, and while I had managed to shed legalism in most parts of my life, there was still one area that had me snagged. I was struggling with whether or not it was a sin for me as a Christian to use student loans to pay for my education, and the negative attitudes that I had encountered in both my old church and my new church about debt made me hesitant, even scared, to take it out if I had to. As a result, I refused to do it as a precaution, and decided that the best way to make sure I never had to have going into debt even be a possibility was to keep a job that I had been working during my time away from school during the two years I was in my awful first church and because this seemed like a foolproof way to keep myself from going into debt as I believed I was commanded to do, I thought it was what God wanted for me, too. Needless to say, this was an area of legalism that God was trying to get me to renounce during that whole semester, but I was so convinced that I was doing the right thing that I wouldn't listen to Him. After I had gotten baptized, I went from hating God to be totally and completely on fire for Him and wanted to go as far as I could for Him and please Him as much as possible...I believed that doing what I was doing, doing these "extra" things that I technically didn't have to do, was a part of that and that God was so pleased with the idea of me doing it that He eventually came to expect it from me. Needless to say, my desire to go as far as I possibly could and please God as much as I possibly could lead me down a slippery slope of legalism that I never attended, and it eventually lead me to disobedience because I kept continuing to reject God's will for me to quit my job, even at the risk of taking out debt. I went back to being afraid of God and my life basically relapsed into what it had been before I got baptized, and not only did it degenerate, but I also missed God's will for my life and missed out on the chance to have the beautiful thing He created for me and me for and I know that when I did this, I missed my destiny. In fact, it almost felt like God made it go away because of my failure to choose it, like He went and smashed it. The whole time I was doing what I was doing, I didn't want to be doing it and it just seems like God didn't care about that part or want to acknowledge that....I wish I wouldn't have done what I did, but I also wish that God would have shown me mercy and allowed me to keep what He had given me despite my mistake...

    Thank you all for listening to me. It's late, so my story is kind of fuzzy, but I am willing to go into more details as the discussion goes on. Thanks, all.
    What God want from you is for you to give him your whole heart, mind, and strength. He wants your focus to be on him. The bible does not say not to borrow money. There are many instances where borrowing money is mentioned. But there are some things that we, as Christians are not suppose to do with money; such as charging usury or to extort using money.

    God does expect us to be wise with our possessions. He does not want us to be wasteful. But regarding using a loan to pay for college, is not dishonoring God, providing that you have intentions on repaying it as you can afford to repay.

    Sure, we will make mistakes in life and make choices that we regret. But this does not mean that God is unhappy with us or that he will not help us to remedy our mistakes. He wants us to put our full trust and faith in him. He said if any man (or woman) lack wisdom, let him ask of God who will give liberally, and upbraidth not. So as you have concerns in life, such as if you should borrow money, or regarding any decisions you should make, then go to God as your counselor. Talk with God and tell to him of your concerns. He will direct you and guide you. He will give you strong inclination regarding your thoughts and choices. You will know what to do because the holy spirit will guide and direct your thoughts.

    Just remember, being a Christian does not mean that you will not make bad choices. But being a Christian is trusting in God, as you walk through this life. If you feel that you have made some bad choices, then tell this to God and ask him to forgive you. He said for us to confess our sins and that he is just to forgive us. Don't move away from God just because you feel that you messed up. These are the times that you should move closer to God and rely on him.

    And yes, bad things will happen to us all in life. God allows us to suffer afflictions. But will help us through them, making us stronger as we overcome.

    I encourage you to focus on your prayer time with the Lord. Make time in your schedule each day to talk with God. Daniel prayed 3 times per day, but there are no limits to how often. You may even want to keep list of the things and people that you pray about. Be patient because God has his own timing on answering prayer, but still keep praying. You may sound like a broken record at times because you ask the same things, but keep praying. Then you may find that God answered you in a totally different way, and you no longer need to pray for that certain thing, and can take it off your list. Meditate on him and spend time in the bible. The Gospel of John is a great place to start. I advise you to use an audio app for your phone or computer. The Tecarta Bible app is really good. This way you can listen and read along with the audio. At other times, you can just listen. But spend time communing with the Lord. This is what he really want from you.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for your heartfelt letter. I was touched by it.

      Let me begin with a seemingly irrelevant question (it is the opposite, quite relevant to your situation). Can you name someone on church history who was well known for putting Christians in jail, and killing some of them one of which may have been the Martyr Steven?

      The answer is the Apostle Paul, and you can read about his conversion in Acts 8. Here is a snippet:
      .
      Acts 8: 1 And Saul approved of his execution. [Stephen]

      And there arose on that day a great persecution against the church in Jerusalem, and they were all scattered throughout the regions of Judea and Samaria, except the apostles.
      2 Devout men buried Stephen and made great lamentation over him.
      3 But Saul was ravaging the church, and entering house after house, he dragged off men and women and committed them to prison.
      .
      Now I seriously doubt in your zealous behavior you ever gave the OK for a Christian to be stoned, so if there was hope for Saul (Paul) turning over a new leaf, then there is hope for you.

      What touched me the most was the religious abuse and irrelevant law mongering you endured, all in the name of a false and evil god. Only Satan does that, posing as an angel of light, and seeks to burden survivors of with false guilt.

      As a veteran, and a survivor of an alcoholic home, I know first hand what it is like to work to be a victor when you have the tapes of abuse in your head. Out of the blue, the tapes rewind, and you find yourself repeating and reliving the hell; somewhere along the line, you develop PTSD, and you are its slave. That was my experience, and I once had a friend who also was a counselor say to me, "John, I never saw someone with such rage."

      I could not disagree with her because I had dreams of murdering two people as a way to assuage my rage. But that is not why I write.

      By yourself, you are incapable of healing yourself. However, you can decide to let Jesus heal you. You see, I do not believe that Jesus ended His healing ministry on the Cross, but he has entrusted his servants to gently bring Him into the lives of others so that healing can begin. Healing PTSD is really a spiritual battle, and it is on the spiritual battlefield we fight the battles that win the war against evil memories.

      In these latter days, God has raised up a newer nation-wide ministry called Celebrate Recovery. It is a 12 step Christ-focused recovery program led by highly trained lay volunteers. The ministry began at Saddleback church in California. Every meeting begins with a full hour of worship before the breakout sessions take place.

      While the worship service is gender inclusive, the break out sessions following that are gender exclusive: men with men, women with women. Our church in central New York is going through the process of leadership training and we hope to begin before Labor Day.

      I suggest you do research on the Internet for Celebrate Recovery, and then use their location finder to find the nearest church having CR. You will not find our church listed because it has to be successfully running for 6 months before it can be officially listed.

      I hope this post finds you well, and I also hope that it gives hope to you. seriously, you are not alone. Many of us are abuse victims of one sort or another.

      Comment

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