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  • Need Advice: A Healthy Relationship

    Hi everyone! It has been quite some time since I last posted on the forums. I was going through a tough time withdrawing from a medication I took for over 10 years, and then going through the nightmare of finding another one. Since then however, I am 90% stabilized I believe and doing much better than I was...Moreover, I have a little story to tell:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    About 6 years ago during high school I was best friends with this amazing girl named Amelia. We were inseparable almost. Doing things together, never embarrassed about sharing or doing anything. However, as time progressed she met a boy and saw in her best interest to stop seeing me as she did like me, and I did her as well. Somewhere around my senior year of High School I wanted to tell her that I "Love her", and that same day before I could even tell her, she told me it was best that we stop hanging out....

    ~6 Years Later~

    This past September after a horrible year of 8 family deaths and medication/mental health issues, I was invited by Amelia's best friend to get ice cream. Little did I know, Amelia would be there. Immediately upon seeing each other our eyes literally stared and were stuck the entire rest of the night it seemed. The following weeks, we began to hangout as friends again as she was single once more. Immediately the Love for her resurfaced and I told her as I took her to the beach. We have promise rings for each other, and everything seems to be amazing.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The reason why I am posting under counseling and advice is this...The trust is not there/not as strong as it once was. As we've been together we've talked about the past relationships in the 6 years. She's had quite a number, and a few physical ones too which upon hearing made my stomach turn. This immediately (with my OCD brain) sent me into a spiral. I seem to be constantly worried about her cheating now 24/7. She's a paramedic and will be going to Fire School in January so she can work with a rescue...this alone just fuels my fears about her being with other guys all the time. And thinking ahead, its not a lifestyle for the future I would really want as my wife would be gone some nights all night.
    So for the past 2 months now, I have become a mess. I can't break up because it would make things so much worse, and it doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I Love her more than anything, and I know we have the opportunity to have a beautiful future if I myself can change my thinking. I've been ill probably 4 times in 2 months because of stress, and even lost a job because of it...

    Am I maybe taking on too much after a stressful year? How do I get this obsessive thought of her finding someone "better" out of my head? How do you learn to actually trust someone?

    I Love Amelia with all my heart, and have prayed for someone to come into my life like her. But my fears and worries are overpowering me, and now are affecting her. Any advice would be wonderful!

    Thank You,
    Jonathan
    Not all who wander are Lost.
    ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

  • #2
    Re: A Healthy Relationship

    If you back out, you will regret it, perhaps the rest of your life. People change and evolve - especially young people in their 20's. If she hasn't given you a reason to mistrust her in the present relationship then you shouldn't hold her past 6 years against her, especially since she's been honest. Pray together and keep God first and in the middle of the relationship. Don't rush things and if it's meant to be God's will, you both will know.
    Some people don't mind contradicting themselves as long as they can keep disagreeing with you...

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: A Healthy Relationship

      Hey my friend!

      I was wondering where you were..... Pm me if you can ok?

      I would like to say one thing to you. When you start a new relationship, you need to focus on just that and not think about the past. I am married and I have absolutely no problems if my husband talks about girls he dated or had a relationship because I know he now only has eyes for me, just like he did when he was in another relationship, only this time he tells me he's been waiting for me all his life and that I am the princess of his dreams. I have no reason to mistrust him, even if those girls would frequent our house. Same goes for me. We both come out of abused marriages and were both cheated on and so we know what that can mean. I love my hubby to pieces and I don't even have the faintest desire to look at another man and I know it's the same for him. It might very well be that your girlfriend is just opening up to you because she wants you to know that in spite of all the relationships she had, she could never forget about you.... and that she wants a new fresh start without any secrets. Just focus on her and encompass her with love and I am sure that if you are the right man for her, everything will work out. You can also start to pray about this relationship because if this is the woman God has chosen for you, then prayers will make the love stronger. When I was looking for a Christian man I prayed about that, not knowing that at the same day on the other side of the ocean Charles was praying for a good Christian wife and a day later we started to pm and we are now already married for 12 years last November....... I never ever had one regret that we made this choice to go through life together, and even though our health problems weigh more and more on our life together, we were made for each other and we will stay together as we have grown so much closer over the years. Just don't make the mistake that a lot of people make and that is that once you are married you are there, as then it just starts and a decade after you are married you will see what I mean, how your life has become so much more intertwined and is at such a level of intimacy on many levels that living without that person is no longer even a remote possibility.

      Start praying my friend..... ask God if this is the right girl for you..... and just put her past aside and start to create a future with her.......... she obviously wandered away from you maybe only to find out that she belongs with you. Give her a fair chance.... the same could have happened to you too!

      Love you lots,
      Mieke
      Glorious Day
      Living He loved me
      Dying He saved me
      Buried He carried my sins far away
      Risen He justified
      Freely forever
      One day He's coming
      Oh Glorious Day!

      Casting Crowns

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: A Healthy Relationship

        Have you talked to her about this and how you feel? I would say that is step one. I know way easier said than done but I believe in you. :-)

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: A Healthy Relationship

          Hi, Jonathan.

          Disclosure: (I have quite a bit of experience in dealing with severe abuse cases. Drug addicted prostitutes, child sex abuse survivors, abandoned teens, alcoholics etc. At least one of each of these groups is currently living under my roof. My door is never locked. As a result a much experience, counseling, books, etc. I have descent skills in dealing with root issues instead of getting lost in the symptom issues.)

          Of course, I don't know you other than what you have posted here. To me, I think your issues of trust with Amelia are not related to her past relationships. That is just the symptom issue. The root issue is something in your own character that lacks confidence. Believe me, she can smell it on you and it makes her uneasy as well. This lack of confidence is more likely to cause her to cheat than she would otherwise. Think about it long and hard. Whatever the issue, take it to the Lord in prayer and ask for His help in strengthening the weak points in your own character. Don't worry about hers. I don't say this to be harsh, but rather to be honest with you.

          In the end, if she cheats, she cheats. You'll live. But, from what you posted, I don't see a reason to so nervous about it. Seek out your own issues, deal with them, and things will work out. Being in love causes people to lose who they are and where their boundaries are many times. I strongly suggest taking your time until the "in love" phase wears down before getting too serious. That way you will be able to have your own boundaries, and so will she.

          You are still very young. A lack of confidence is not uncommon. There is hope. Dig in and face the man in the mirror and build him. She will follow.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: A Healthy Relationship

            Originally posted by Insightz View Post
            Hi everyone! It has been quite some time since I last posted on the forums. I was going through a tough time withdrawing from a medication I took for over 10 years, and then going through the nightmare of finding another one. Since then however, I am 90% stabilized I believe and doing much better than I was...Moreover, I have a little story to tell:

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
            About 6 years ago during high school I was best friends with this amazing girl named Amelia. We were inseparable almost. Doing things together, never embarrassed about sharing or doing anything. However, as time progressed she met a boy and saw in her best interest to stop seeing me as she did like me, and I did her as well. Somewhere around my senior year of High School I wanted to tell her that I "Love her", and that same day before I could even tell her, she told me it was best that we stop hanging out....

            ~6 Years Later~

            This past September after a horrible year of 8 family deaths and medication/mental health issues, I was invited by Amelia's best friend to get ice cream. Little did I know, Amelia would be there. Immediately upon seeing each other our eyes literally stared and were stuck the entire rest of the night it seemed. The following weeks, we began to hangout as friends again as she was single once more. Immediately the Love for her resurfaced and I told her as I took her to the beach. We have promise rings for each other, and everything seems to be amazing.
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The reason why I am posting under counseling and advice is this...The trust is not there/not as strong as it once was. As we've been together we've talked about the past relationships in the 6 years. She's had quite a number, and a few physical ones too which upon hearing made my stomach turn. This immediately (with my OCD brain) sent me into a spiral. I seem to be constantly worried about her cheating now 24/7. She's a paramedic and will be going to Fire School in January so she can work with a rescue...this alone just fuels my fears about her being with other guys all the time. And thinking ahead, its not a lifestyle for the future I would really want as my wife would be gone some nights all night.
            So for the past 2 months now, I have become a mess. I can't break up because it would make things so much worse, and it doesn't feel like the right thing to do. I Love her more than anything, and I know we have the opportunity to have a beautiful future if I myself can change my thinking. I've been ill probably 4 times in 2 months because of stress, and even lost a job because of it...

            Am I maybe taking on too much after a stressful year? How do I get this obsessive thought of her finding someone "better" out of my head? How do you learn to actually trust someone?

            I Love Amelia with all my heart, and have prayed for someone to come into my life like her. But my fears and worries are overpowering me, and now are affecting her. Any advice would be wonderful!

            Thank You,
            Jonathan
            Hey Jonathan... The best advice I can give you is this -
            2 Corinthians 6: 14 Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers: for what fellowship have righteousness and iniquity? or what communion hath light with darkness?
            15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what portion hath a believer with an unbeliever?
            16 And what agreement hath a temple of God with idols? for we are a temple of the living God; even as God said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
            17 Wherefore Come ye out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, And touch no unclean thing; And I will receive you, 18 And will be to you a Father, And ye shall be to me sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

            In order to be a true christian.. you cannot be a fornicator
            1 Cor 6:9 Or know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators,
            nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with men, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards,
            nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

            carlm

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: A Healthy Relationship

              Am I maybe taking on too much after a stressful year? How do I get this obsessive thought of her finding someone "better" out of my head? How do you learn to actually trust someone?

              I would suggest just remaining “friends”. There is an expression “Love not too wisely, but too well”, that describes people who go in and out of relationships.

              If you are looking for someone to marry, have and raise children with, and grow old together, you may not have the same idea that she does. This is made more confusing by people who say they want this, but act in very different ways.

              This is further confused by the idea of “falling in love”. The Bible teaches that love is a decision (pretty much selflessness 1 Cor 13). Society today often presents the idea that a bundle of emotions that involve desire, lust, attraction, anticipation, speculation, and wishful thinking as “falling in love”. Many people get into painful situations because they these emotional sensations can lead them to mistake transient sensations for a lifetime commitment.

              Society has been guided by Satan to be hostile to families and marriage. If you have a serious view of marriage and family, you need to be careful as most people today, while saying that they are serious, do not have the staying power to make a marriage work.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A Healthy Relationship

                Hey Jonathan, When you have these jealous or doubtful feelings read Psalm 91 and the first four verses of Psalm 68 and keep reading them until these feelings subside. Finding your spouse can be a life long struggle but there are some things you need to know to help you succeed. There cannot be any sin, in your life, which has not been covered by the precious blood of Jesus through true repentance, which means you must pray continuously, instantly asking forgiveness, if you find yourself in a sin. Go back over your life and one by one and repent of any sins that you can remember which you have not repented of, whether your fault or not! When you pray for your future spouse make sure you have painted the perfect picture and by this I mean that you must cover every detail before lifting up your petition to our Lord Jesus. Do not treat you petition to our Lord as just another prayer but earnestly, with tears, tell him the desires of your heart; once prayed about do not fret or allow doubt to enter your mind or heart concerning your petition because this is a sin and can slow down your hearts desire. You must have the attitude that no matter how this turns out or how long this takes you will seek the Lord Jesus in your life, staying in His Word and seeking to serve Him. Do not speak of you prayer to any carnal person or any desire of you heart because the devil will then know your desires and send the wrong person across your path to beguile you to sin.
                If Amelia is not a Christian then according to The Word of God (The Tree of Life, Light, Love, Wisdom, Understanding and Knowledge) you are not to be equally yoked with her.
                Also before you enter into Holy Matrimony with your soul mate make sure you both have truly repented of all past and present sins; to many Christians inter into this Holy relationship laden with the sins of this world little realizing the consequences attached to them and then wonder why there is all kinds of havoc and woes in their life.
                Remember what you allow yourself to think, see, hear, say and do literally set into motion Almighty God’s creative powers that form the matrix of life’s reality you find yourself now walking; so knowing this practice each day focusing your whole attention on your movements whether thoughts, sight, sounds, words or deeds, doing that which is good, positive and constructive.
                "A man can no more diminish God's glory or His Son Jesus by refusing to worship them than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."
                If you do not know Jesus the Christ of Nazareth, the Messiah, as your personal savior yet believe He is Lord, was born of the Virgin Mary, died for your sins, arose from the dead the third day and is now at the right hand of Almighty God, then if so lead say this simple pray to be saved and have eternal life in the Kingdom of God.
                “Hear Oh Israel the Lord our God is one Lord and blessed is the Glory of the Lord from His place; Precious Jesus the Christ of Nazareth please forgive me my sins and come into my heart and life forever Amen.”
                If you are sincere in this prayer then know for certain that you are saved and if you need help on your Christian walk email me back.
                http://counselfreelight.homestead.com/Roberts.html

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: A Healthy Relationship

                  Google the book called "Looking at Myself Before Loving Someone Else" by John Coblentz. I think you should be careful not to let your mind blind your heart. You want to marry with your heart, not just your mind.

                  Comment

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