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I don't want to be here anymore

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  • #16
    Re: I don't want to be here anymore

    The battle is not over but I wanted to share that last night when I had reached a low again of totally feeling discouraged, I talked to my best friend before she went to bed, but I work overnights and it was my night off, so I spent most of the night in journalling and thinking about things. I've journalled since I was given my first diary at the age of 12 by my father for a rare birthday gift. It's always been a really healthy spiritual activity for me but I have been struggling to journal the past several years, only picking it up once in awhile and then many times out of a sense of duty because something major had occurred.
    I was really encouraged last night because it flowed well, for me. The reason it helps me so much is that when I have to put my thoughts and concerns or whatever, into ink, I find that often it helps to put the spotlight on the real problem, because what comes off my fingers onto the page tends to be somehow supernaturally what I really needed to recognize, and often not the things that had been playing on repeat in my head. I think of it like a big, messy, overgrown bush. I've got this huge, overwhelming mess that looks super intimidating and has different branching areas and such. But God goes straight at the roots. He doesn't screw around looking at the size of the mess on the top. Journalling for me just really somehow hits right at the roots.
    Like I said, the battle isn't over. I still have the same feeling about wanting to be at rest in the presence of God...with heaven being the ultimate goal.
    But last night he showed me that, this is the greatest work he's ever done on me. I've been through many lessons and levels with God leading. I'm struggling because I don't have vision for the future because my old dreams have been destroyed. But having those desires, most of them being rooted in my flesh, be gone...will only allow him to give me new vision for the future...his vision. Not that I didn't have some of his vision before, but it was all Tangled in with my selfish pursuits.
    Having a desire to be with Him in heaven, and therefore unafraid by the idea of death, but still having a will and heart that wants to be faithful to the end...
    He is positioning me to be able to serve the Kingdom of Heaven in a much more free way than most people ever get. And I have a strong passion to serve. I want to do ministry, I always have. And I have always done it to whatever degree He has given me.