Please Help I don't want to be here anymore

[Beautifuldreamer]

I'd like to preface this by saying, I don't consider myself suicidal at all because I don't consider suicide to be an option as a follower of Christ, since my life is not my own.
I'm a 30 year old woman and I have been through a lot of hard stuff, my entire life. No worse than others have, I'm sure actually that others have experienced worse. But I have reached this point, after always, no matter what, I've always been excited for the future, hopeful of what each new season will bring.
I have many rich and wonderful things in my life, and although I am single, I haven't been sitting on my hands waiting for life to start...
But I digress.
This past three years I have had many people die. I'm sad about this obviously but actually at peace about each one who is now in heaven
I'm sure that death has played a huge part in my change of heart.
Regardless I find myself often thinking now, whenever some little emotional thing hits me...
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be here anymore.
It bothers me because, in a lot of ways, I definitely do still want to be here. But it keeps coming back up.
The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. This is something that I believe is true of my spirit right now.
The Bible also says, I would have fainted if I had not seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
That is how I feel. The things I have prayed for and waited for with patience, have come to nothing. I am not angry with God that bad things happen in my life. They happen to everyone.
But eventually my patience got worn out. Then I continued to just ask but I was going on obedience and the drive to do right and be faithful.
Now I feel like I have lost hope for a long time. Years. I continue to pray, and seek God, and try to be faithful. Because it's not about what we get. It's what He deserves.
And I love God.
I love His presence and I find joy and peace in it.
I love his words and find strength in them.
I love his ways and want to walk in a way that pleases him.
The thing is, the only place I feel okay, is in his presence. I have great joy, if I can just sit in a place of worship and refuge with Him.
But nowhere else do I have great joy or feel like it's worth the effort and pain of life, and I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home.
But I don't want to feel this way. I have work to do still.
How do I deal with this? It's a war inside me and I am not even certain that it's bad I feel like this; maybe we are supposed to...but I'm miserable and lacking in hope, peace, and joy for daily life, which I know ISN'T a good thing.

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

Jesus said, the son of man (himself) came not to be minister to, but to serve. There is great joy in service to other, in the Prayer forum, pray for people, if to can counsel try counseling other, when I use to counsel it was my joy and passion. Get into the Bible and let it bring warmth and healing to your soul.

I will reread your post to fully understanding, so be kind to yourself and our homecoming is close at hand.

[Deuteronomy Skaggs]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

I'd like to preface this by saying, I don't consider myself suicidal at all because I don't consider suicide to be an option as a follower of Christ, since my life is not my own.
I'm a 30 year old woman and I have been through a lot of hard stuff, my entire life. No worse than others have, I'm sure actually that others have experienced worse. But I have reached this point, after always, no matter what, I've always been excited for the future, hopeful of what each new season will bring.
I have many rich and wonderful things in my life, and although I am single, I haven't been sitting on my hands waiting for life to start...
But I digress.
This past three years I have had many people die. I'm sad about this obviously but actually at peace about each one who is now in heaven
I'm sure that death has played a huge part in my change of heart.
Regardless I find myself often thinking now, whenever some little emotional thing hits me...
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be here anymore.
It bothers me because, in a lot of ways, I definitely do still want to be here. But it keeps coming back up.
The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. This is something that I believe is true of my spirit right now.
The Bible also says, I would have fainted if I had not seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
That is how I feel. The things I have prayed for and waited for with patience, have come to nothing. I am not angry with God that bad things happen in my life. They happen to everyone.
But eventually my patience got worn out. Then I continued to just ask but I was going on obedience and the drive to do right and be faithful.
Now I feel like I have lost hope for a long time. Years. I continue to pray, and seek God, and try to be faithful. Because it's not about what we get. It's what He deserves.
And I love God.
I love His presence and I find joy and peace in it.
I love his words and find strength in them.
I love his ways and want to walk in a way that pleases him.
The thing is, the only place I feel okay, is in his presence. I have great joy, if I can just sit in a place of worship and refuge with Him.
But nowhere else do I have great joy or feel like it's worth the effort and pain of life, and I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home.
But I don't want to feel this way. I have work to do still.
How do I deal with this? It's a war inside me and I am not even certain that it's bad I feel like this; maybe we are supposed to...but I'm miserable and lacking in hope, peace, and joy for daily life, which I know ISN'T a good thing.

Hi Beautifuldreamer, have you told your pastor (and perhaps others in your church) how you are feeling these days? Remember, that's one of the big reasons God gave us the local, visible church, IOW, gave us to each other that we might minister to/support/love one another, especially in times of need. If you have not, I would recommend doing so immediately.

And if you don't belong to a church, I would recommend finding one as soon as you possibly can. God never intended any of us to try to live this life alone, apart from the body/from regularly being in the presence of other believers. You need us and we need you too .. e.g. Hebrews 10:24-25; 1 Corinthians 12:12-31; Galatians 6:9-10.

Praying for you!

God bless you! (Numbers 6:24-26; Isaiah 40:31)

~Deut
p.s. - I agree with everything that UndertheBlood just said above. It is excellent advice!

Do you often feel like parched ground, unable to produce anything worthwhile? I do. When I am in need of refreshment, it isn't easy to think of the needs of others. But I have found that if, instead of praying for my own comfort and satisfaction, I ask the Lord to enable me to give to others, an amazing thing often happens - I find my own needs wonderfully met. Refreshment comes in ways I would never have thought of, both for others, and then, incidentally, for myself. --Elisabeth Elliot

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

Beautifuldreamer, I reread your post, but I think that I am poorly understanding it. I wish that I could help you get pass this distress your in, I hate that your going through this. I feel that you have so much to offer the church and people in general.
I will be in prayer for you and I will be back here in this thread often. We will try to get you out of this thing with the Lord's help.

[Scooby_Snacks]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

My hope (I tell you and myself) is that He will lighten the burden. I mean that is what I feel when I have said "I don't wan't to be here anymore" (so many times) a burden that seems will not be lightened (at the same time still wanting to be here)
I know heaven will bring peace---being with Him without all this weighty human factor.
I thank you for your candid, honest post. Grief multiplied is a great burden. It doesn't matter what anyone else has or is going through.
It is an individual process that I must believe, He will make use of in another's life through your suffering and healing-- may He pour His grace over you.
I will pray for your joy-- and for peace. Blessings.

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

...I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Psalm 77:3

That scripture means that when we complain that it opens the floodgates to of our emotions to flood us and overcome us with more of those thoughts and feelings.

Saying that you don't want to be here anymore is a very negative confession; Christians can't easily say I wish I was dead so they say that they wish the Lord would come back now, or I don't want to be here anymore, or something like it.

You are among some that loves you and want joy and peace to be restored to you.

[Scooby_Snacks]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

There are also options that can be chosen: See a physician for a check up and seek out a grief support group where you can receive healing and still remain as anonymous as you choose to. You are not alone.

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

...I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Psalm 77:3

That scripture means that when we complain that it opens the floodgates to of our emotions to flood us and overcome us with more of those thoughts and feelings.

Saying that you don't want to be here anymore is a very negative confession; Christians can't easily say I wish I was dead so they say that they wish the Lord would come back now, or I don't want to be here anymore, or something like it.

You are among some that loves you and want joy and peace to be restored to you.

Had to come back and change it to, There are many here that loves you. Just sounds better.

[LightforLife]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

Yes, undertheblood, there are many here that love this woman, as sisters in Christ are encouraged to do. You have a great burden - grief multiplied, and we are here as commanded to share and lighten your burden as much as possible. Thank you for following through to tell us that you are over burdened. That is something Christ commands - to share burdens and encourage one another in Christ, so keep talking - to as many Christians as you can. Knocking on Church doors is great, knocking on modern medicine is something I had to do first so that the pain of heart ache eased enough for me to make cognitive sense of bible verses and help.

You are not alone. Job was a huge biblical example of grief multiplied.

Although modern medicine helped to dull the pain, I would still be in a dull state of shock were it not for talking and listening to whom ever was willing to share time with me. I did have to choose carefully, but thankfulness for all who tried to help. Focusing on Christ was the turning point it is suppose to be. Nothing would be possible without Him.

Ecclesiastics 3: there is a time for everything. Something that helped me through the toughest week, where it was minute by minute. I would make appointment times to grieve. I would allow myself the first 10 minutes every hour to cry, panic, pray, be angry, think about the loss. After that 10 minutes for the rest of the hour I would try to have a normal time. If during that rest time I would feel the urge to cry or be sad I would remind myself to hold on, only half an hour left and then you can cry - and a good cry at that. Anyways it really did work for me, to remember that there is certainly a time to cry, but also a time to be happy.

One last note: my own testimony involved medication. I likened it to having a broken foot and trying to exercise to strengthen it back to shape. It would be impossible to properly exercise a broken foot without anti-inflamitory medication or pain medications. I used the same idea with my brain chemistry - that I needed a little help to first ease the pain so that I could get past and get stronger, so that my armour would hold against the schemes of the evil one. It was a short time, about a year, but I support always involving people dedicated to helping you get through this and coming out stronger.

Yours in Christ, may your pain ease, and talk any time <3

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. Philippians 4:6-9 Resolve not to think negatively, think on the good and positive and good and you'll have the peace of God

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

Hey dreamer, if you get an alert of this in your Email, please come back so we can help you, the choice is your if you want a relief to what you're going through.

[Beautifuldreamer]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

I appreciate the ability to just talk about this with believers. One reason I have chosen the anonymity of a forum, is part of an answer to some things that you have referred to; I have been attending the same church for 12 years, was very involved, as a youth leader for the past 9 years. However I have been discouraged there by the cold and distant relationship the leadership has with members. After this season of death, it's become increasingly discouraging to be there because the only thing people see about me, is my losses. I have been told that I shouldn't be concerned with much of the ministry that I have been giving towards the teens. Death has only made me feel more of a passion for ministering. The work of the kingdom is the thing I want to do the most. I felt like I was really being put in a box without consulting with me to see where my heart is and what my needs are. Long story short, God lead me to a new church. It's been an excellent place to be, and I have become a member of the prophetic ministry team. But my feelings haven't changed. I'm not always low. I'm actually generally good, as the Lord sustains me. But I feel still, Maybe stronger daily, that I have come to expect hardships and sorrow, and the things I once dreamed of, marriage, children, etc... I don't know if I want them anymore. I am at peace in the presence of God and therefore that is where I want to be.

[undertheblood]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

I appreciate the ability to just talk about this with believers. One reason I have chosen the anonymity of a forum, is part of an answer to some things that you have referred to; I have been attending the same church for 12 years, was very involved, as a youth leader for the past 9 years. However I have been discouraged there by the cold and distant relationship the leadership has with members. After this season of death, it's become increasingly discouraging to be there because the only thing people see about me, is my losses. I have been told that I shouldn't be concerned with much of the ministry that I have been giving towards the teens. Death has only made me feel more of a passion for ministering. The work of the kingdom is the thing I want to do the most. I felt like I was really being put in a box without consulting with me to see where my heart is and what my needs are. Long story short, God lead me to a new church. It's been an excellent place to be, and I have become a member of the prophetic ministry team. But my feelings haven't changed. I'm not always low. I'm actually generally good, as the Lord sustains me. But I feel still, Maybe stronger daily, that I have come to expect hardships and sorrow, and the things I once dreamed of, marriage, children, etc... I don't know if I want them anymore. I am at peace in the presence of God and therefore that is where I want to be.

-dreamer-, I thank the loving Heavenly Father that you posted again, I trusted him to watch over you while you were away.

May I say, you need to give heed to those who replied to your post, those who tried to help you. That is the reason that you came here didn't you, to receive help from members? I was greatly disturbed by your absence because I care for you.

I want you to read my new blog post on bad circumstances: http://bibleforums.org/entry.php/449...-circumstances , it might help you.

[Beautifuldreamer]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

I'm an active member of the church; I agree that often focussing too much on our own trials can be unhealthy, or at least, it's definitely an encouragement to me, when I am caring for others. I don't feel comfortable with taking medication at this point.
I haven't had a chance to really talk to my new pastor but I'm a little nervous that if I do talk to him about the past few years and how I'm doing, I could end up in the same predicament as I was in at my old church.
Obviously God lead me to attend the new one for more reasons than just, not being viewed mainly as an object of pity; the holy spirit is moving so intensely right now at my church and many people have been coming at once, having all felt called to this place. I believe as do many that God is positioning people for a great work of revival.
I do have wonderful friends and I feel comfortable with talking about a lot of the stuff I struggle with, but I don't want to concern them more than necessary...they already watch me constantly to make sure I don't get off keel. The family of God that I have is very loving and supportive. They give me room and let me know I'm loved. They check to see where I am at without assuming about what my needs are. They are always willing to listen, but they don't constantly barrage me with unwanted questions or bring it up all the time. I am truly grateful for my friends.
I don't want to stress them out and I know it would hurt them to know how I feel about this.
I've told my best friend a little bit, and I haven't had a chance to talk to my surrogate Mama/mentor... but I will be talking to her about it because she gives great wisdom and has also lost this past few years.

[Scooby_Snacks]

Re: I don't want to be here anymore

Thank you for checking in with us here.
Object of pity V.S. Empathizing.
It could be a fine line-- understood.

Will continue prayers for you to recapture the Joy of your Salvation.