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Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

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  • Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

    I was born in Poland in 1991 in a very small village. I was very happy there and usually smiling from ear to ear in pictures. The happiness I felt then is something that I'll never forget and long to feel. I would roam the streets by myself or with friends and feel safe. Nobody bothered me, people looked out for each other and little kids. I don't recall much evil energy in the form of dominating bully-like behaviour from anyone.

    In 1997, my dad's side of the family decided to move us to Canada, and we ended up in Toronto. I tried to retain the activity that made me happy in Poland, that is to run around freely in my spare time and find adventure. But the atmosphere was very different in Toronto, and often when I did this I would get jumped by gangs and get bullied and picked on. I felt very ashamed of the torment, so I closed myself up at that point in my life.

    My dad is a very materialistic person. Even though he doesn't believe in God, he forced us to the Roman Catholic Church because it was a cultural social gathering for him and the family. I hated it. Because nobody helped me though I was deeply sad - not my family nor the church, I lost my faith in God completely.

    Though I hated going to church, school was even worse for me. At first I didn't know English, and was bullied by both kids and teachers because of that. My parents weren't helping me with my emotional distress, they were going through the same kind of thing. And because I was afraid to go outside much by myself, the only thing that gave me a release from sadness was food and TV. So I became chubby, and was picked on for that at school.

    By 2004 I lost the will to fight for myself because the world was a very unfriendly place toward me. It was around that time I began to contemplate suicide. However, I had a growth spurt and lost weight because I was into skateboarding at the time. It was in 2005 that girls began to take interest in me, and by 2008 I was deeply in love with a girl because I overheard her say that she loves me multiple times, among many other signs so I know this was true at the time. Little did I know this would haunt me until the present day. I couldn't understand why anyone would love me all of a sudden, when the world treated me like dirt until that point. At the same time I didn't know this person, but she spoke powerful words.

    In 2009 I picked up a bible and started reading. It changed my life, but I took it in too quickly and without any support or mentorship. I began to have epic and grand thoughts, because God is epic and grand. But nobody around me liked this change in me at all, namely my family who had abandoned the church by 2009. So I began to see the character flaws in my dad, who's nothing like a father figure should be in terms of spiritual support, so I began to search for father figures through the study of God and spirituality as well as philosophy.

    2010 comes and I drop out of school. Because I always had a hatred for institutions that force a person to be there, I was glad to leave. I moved to a nearby city and began to work under the table for little money and extreme hours. I could have handled it if not for the fact that there was a girl next door who was giving me signs that she liked me. I didn't want to repeat the mistake I made with the other girl so I approached her. But I wasn't in the right state of mind when I did because I was withdrawing from certain drugs and alcohol, so she got scared. Called the cops, detectives came, ransacked my apartment and took whatever they wanted, including my journals, which were deeply personal to me as they consisted of my prayers and confessions.

    They put me in a psychiatric unit and launched a investigation on me based on the journals, involving going around asking people if I've hurt them. This was a sting that humiliated me and I still struggle with this memory. I was in and out of psych hospitals until 2014. That's when I began to live with people I met in the hospital, and I stayed with them until 2016. It crumbled because they were muslims, now I live with my parents and spend my days in front of the tv and gaining weight, just like the days before my growth spurt.

    I suppose I've always wanted to be free and happy, just like I was smiling in those photos when I was little. It was my aspiration to break free from all these people and institutions that oppressed me and start my own path anew. But now I have serious problems because of bad memories. I'm on disability and don't have to work, I can now start my new adventure and life that I've always wanted, when I'm ready. But I feel I've let people down, for instance the girl who said she loved me, and I feel guilt because I've always rebelled against instruction even though the instruction was more like grabbing me by the hand and leading me into a pit.

    Is there any way I can attain the freedom I've always wanted without being weighed down by flashbacks of humiliation and disgrace? Is there any way I can become innocent like the child I used to be and stop letting Satan into my head, bullying me relentlessly over my mistakes and failures like the bullies used to do? How can I purify myself so that I can begin my journey with God, without emotions of fear and heaviness? Lastly, how can I love another woman, when I still have feelings and dreams about that girl I used to love from my youth?

    Perspective would be helpful, thank you for reading.

  • #2
    Re: Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

    Translucent1,

    Gotquestions.org has a really good perspective on what the past is supposed to mean to us and how we deal with it.

    It's full of life-changing scriptures and I'm just going to link it here for you. I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think it was worthy.

    CLICK HERE
    sigpic
    ".....it's your nickel"

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

      First, thanks for sharing. It is brave of you!

      I can relate in some ways. I, too, was moved during the happiest time in my life as a kid to a place that I hated. I ended up hanging with the wrong crowd and getting into some minor trouble. I was pretty much depressed an unhappy for a long long time. I also know about relationships that could have been great, but I messed them up too.

      Regret is just part of life. There is really nothing you can do about it except try to learn from it and do better next time. You are still young. Nobody in the their 20's has yet really figured out life. We all think we know everything at the time, but later learn how dumb we were. Most people don't really hit their stride until their 30's or even 40's. So, don't sweat it yet because you probably still have some mistakes to make. (That is not supposed to be as bad as it sounds.)

      I would also say rejoice if satan is attacking you constantly. I know you don't feel like it, but that is the best time to rejoice. If there was nothing good in you satan would just leave you alone. If he is attacking, it is because there is something worth attacking to him. Read the back of the book. He loses at the end. He cannot defeat you forever. So rejoice now. Sometimes you just have to fake it until it becomes natural. Winning takes practice and effort, especially when you don't feel like it.

      As to loving another woman while still thinking about the first one, this too is normal. I don't think we can ever really love a person and then forget them. I loved a woman deeply in my youth, who also at least liked me a lot, and I never really pursued her because she was great and I was miserable. I didn't want to "infect" her so to speak. I still think about her every now and then and think about what could have been. And this was before you were born! So, love never really goes away. But, that doesn't mean you cannot love someone else just as much or more. Life is full of missed opportunities and regrets. No one is exempt. Figure out who you really are and learn to love yourself. That confidence will attract a mate one day. Don't forget that you aren't the only one with baggage. She will have baggage as well, but that doesn't mean she is not worthy of love anymore than it means you are not worthy of love.

      Basically, if life has beaten you down, welcome to the club! Countless people have gotten the short end of the stick. I don't personally have any biological children so I've had a bunch of people in and out of my house over the years. Victims of child sex abuse, drug addicts, orphans, etc. I even adopted one at 14 whose parents both died and she herself had been molested and abandoned. There are countless horror stories in the world. You are not alone by any means. All you can really do is try to stop the bleeding and help them recover.

      Maybe, you could do something like this. Help others. Sometimes the best way to get over your own mountains of problems is to help others get over their mountain. You may not need to house, clothe, and feed them, but you can spend time with them and let them feel special. I'm sure you can find someone who has lost much and is in worse shape than you are. Go see them and get to know them. Be their friend, just as you wanted others to be your friend as a kid. "Do unto others..." Jesus knows what He is talking about. Perhaps they just need an ear to unload on. Just sit there and listen to them. You don't have to fix them. Just listen to them and let them know that at least one person cares. How many elderly people have no one to visit them in the nursing homes? A lot. Go and spend time with them. You are not working right now. You are the perfect candidate to go and shine some light in places darker than your own situation. When you see others that are worse off than you, it will be much easier to overcome your own problems. Perspective is everything.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

        It might be a challenge to find people who could use someone like me. I'm not up for joking for frankly I'm deeply scarred and traumatized, so I pray for courage to take steps to get out of hiding and the fantasy world I reside in. That way perhaps my bad memories could be countered by good ones and I would gain experience among helping people.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

          Originally posted by Translucent1 View Post
          It might be a challenge to find people who could use someone like me. I'm not up for joking for frankly I'm deeply scarred and traumatized, so I pray for courage to take steps to get out of hiding and the fantasy world I reside in. That way perhaps my bad memories could be countered by good ones and I would gain experience among helping people.
          With all due respect, I disagree that you have nothing to offer. I don't know you, but I have read your posts on occasion, and you have plenty to offer. Plenty.

          Start with very small goals that you can attain. Even if it is just making a goal to be up, showered, and dressed before 10am. Set some kind of goal and then do it. You will gain confidence each time. Then set a slightly higher goal, and so on. You may fall short at times. So what. Pick yourself up and try it again tomorrow. You can build your own confidence by setting goals and being accountable to yourself. In time, you will learn to trust your abilities and you may be surprised at how strong you really are. A total basket case would not be here on this forum seeking help. I am convinced you have great potential. Totally convinced.

          Btw, my youngest brother is paranoid schizophrenic, though functional with meds. My middle brother had anxiety and depression so severely that it changed his appearance and voice. Before I could figure out anything, he was dead. Both of them became this way after going to college and smoking weed. I was much older and not really paying attention to them at that time. I tell you these things because I do have experience in this area. Since these horrible things have happened, I have learned much and have been able to help many others. If you spend too much time focused on yourself, you will tend to only see the negative things. It is just human nature. As an outsider, I do not see negative in you. That is why I suggested what I did. Start small with small attainable goals. Then, in time, begin to focus on others. When you get to the point that you can gain enough confidence in the small goals, and then focus on others, you will begin to really blossom. I know it seems hard. Take small bites to start. Eventually, you will eat that whole elephant.

          Always remember that your burdens are not eternal. A day will come when every burden will be lifted.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

            Originally posted by Tony P View Post
            With all due respect, I disagree that you have nothing to offer. I don't know you, but I have read your posts on occasion, and you have plenty to offer. Plenty.

            Start with very small goals that you can attain. Even if it is just making a goal to be up, showered, and dressed before 10am. Set some kind of goal and then do it. You will gain confidence each time. Then set a slightly higher goal, and so on. You may fall short at times. So what. Pick yourself up and try it again tomorrow. You can build your own confidence by setting goals and being accountable to yourself. In time, you will learn to trust your abilities and you may be surprised at how strong you really are. A total basket case would not be here on this forum seeking help. I am convinced you have great potential. Totally convinced.

            Btw, my youngest brother is paranoid schizophrenic, though functional with meds. My middle brother had anxiety and depression so severely that it changed his appearance and voice. Before I could figure out anything, he was dead. Both of them became this way after going to college and smoking weed. I was much older and not really paying attention to them at that time. I tell you these things because I do have experience in this area. Since these horrible things have happened, I have learned much and have been able to help many others. If you spend too much time focused on yourself, you will tend to only see the negative things. It is just human nature. As an outsider, I do not see negative in you. That is why I suggested what I did. Start small with small attainable goals. Then, in time, begin to focus on others. When you get to the point that you can gain enough confidence in the small goals, and then focus on others, you will begin to really blossom. I know it seems hard. Take small bites to start. Eventually, you will eat that whole elephant.

            Always remember that your burdens are not eternal. A day will come when every burden will be lifted.
            To be honest, my short-term goal is to write. It's great therapy for me and in writing I can cement my thoughts and feelings without anyone questioning why I felt the way I did at the time. I know that in many environments there are only two emotions that can be safely expressed: happy and angry, especially among men. The way conversations went in the workforce when I used to work, the way people boast about evil, made me sick. Same thing in school. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to go back. The other is I'm worried if I fall in love again or if I fight someone - neither of which are my priorities - and both can lead me down a path I don't think I was meant to go down. I want to go to school to learn graphic design, but am wondering if there are other ways to learn the skill, perhaps i should look into that.

            You know, I was thinking recently about truth, and how nice it would be for my life to be cemented in truth instead of dreamt up by me in a twisted fantasy. It's so easy to fall into the pit of staleness and continue to live the way I do. When I listen to music, sometimes I pretend like I'm the one who made it, or when I play an old game I think of ways I would have improved it if I was making it. Is it my own glory I'm searching for? Would that be a good motivator? Do you think self-improvement is self-glorification, or do you think I should continue to try to help people humbly and in rags?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Always wanted liberty, now I have it but am tormented by past failures.

              Originally posted by Translucent1 View Post
              To be honest, my short-term goal is to write. It's great therapy for me and in writing I can cement my thoughts and feelings without anyone questioning why I felt the way I did at the time. I know that in many environments there are only two emotions that can be safely expressed: happy and angry, especially among men. The way conversations went in the workforce when I used to work, the way people boast about evil, made me sick. Same thing in school. That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to go back. The other is I'm worried if I fall in love again or if I fight someone - neither of which are my priorities - and both can lead me down a path I don't think I was meant to go down. I want to go to school to learn graphic design, but am wondering if there are other ways to learn the skill, perhaps i should look into that.

              You know, I was thinking recently about truth, and how nice it would be for my life to be cemented in truth instead of dreamt up by me in a twisted fantasy. It's so easy to fall into the pit of staleness and continue to live the way I do. When I listen to music, sometimes I pretend like I'm the one who made it, or when I play an old game I think of ways I would have improved it if I was making it. Is it my own glory I'm searching for? Would that be a good motivator? Do you think self-improvement is self-glorification, or do you think I should continue to try to help people humbly and in rags?
              Both. There is nothing wrong with self improvement as I see it. Destructive habits are not good, while constructive habits are good. There is no problem trying to be more constructive and less destructive. The example you gave about playing a game and finding ways to improve it is a good one. When the thought comes into your mind questioning whether the improvement is about self glorification, it is not a good spirit that tells you these things. Satan wants to cut you off at every pass and ruin your every move. Don't listen to him. If you love the game and make it better, how is that a bad thing? Satan will always try to turn things upside down. Forget him. If everyone listened to him we would not have anything in this world that we do have. For thousands of years people have sought to create inventions, or improve existing ones, to fill the needs of people. That is why we have cars, electricity, phones, etc. If you can add to the world by improving a game, do it! Especially if you have the ability and enjoy it. By all means, do it.

              Helping others is not always about finding people worse off than you. You can help simply by giving of your time and energy. Focus on other people and get to really know them. People light up and love to be heard and listened to. I'm not really a people person either, but I learned to do this. Besides, isolating yourself is only hurting you. It makes you focus on all your own problems which get blown out of proportion over time. Satan knows people and how to destroy them. Saying, "I will isolate myself until I self improve and then I will go out in the world," is a catch-22 situation. Don't fall into this trap.

              According to Paul, Jesus said, "It is more blessed to give than receive." Acts 20:35. This is true. When you give of your time and energy to others, you actually get more out of it than when you receive. Giving is a gift itself. I'm not talking about throwing money into an offering plate or donating to cancer research. I'm talking about giving of yourself and your time. Like, when an elderly neighbor cannot physically rake the leaves anymore and you offer to do it for them. Yes, it is tiring, but it does something positive to your spirit. When was the last time you gave a much needed gift or helped someone who really needed your help? Do you remember the feeling of confidence and self worth you felt? Jesus was right. So, do it again. And again. Giving is itself a gift, as well as storing up for yourself treasure in heaven. What could be better than that?

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