Please Help My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

[godlywomanwannabe]

Hey everyone, I really need some advice.
I've been dating this guy for the past 6 months and we met on a dating website. His profile caught my attention because he said he was a Christian. We started talking and had a lot in common. He told me he had been engaged before but he was dumped by his fiancé (she was the daughter of the pastor) and she got together with another guy. He stopped going to church soon after they broke up.
Three months into our relationship I ended up in sin and we ended up sending pictures to each other and sexting. But after a few days I told him I couldn't do it anymore because it was extremely wrong and I never talked to him about anything sex related because on that day I told him my focus would be on God, not on my own wishes. After that he got a little frustrated and said that the sexual jokes he made (till this day) were just jokes because he's always stressed about work; we continued dating. Now, what really made me sad was the fact that he told me he wanted to go on a Christian event with me so we could meet for the first time, yet he doesn't show that he's interested in God nor the bible (he used to be a youth pastor when he was dating his fiance) and I encouraged him to talk about the bible, I even organized some bible studies and I send him a bible verse everyday but he doesn't lead me on faith. I really love him and I didn't want to break up with him because I feel like besides all that he's a really good guy and I wanted to help him with his faith, to save his soul for the Lord but today I ended up breaking up with him, but told him that if he wanted to we could help each other to grow closer to God before dating again. I wonder if I did the right thing or if I should have waited a little more and try and help him. Sorry if this is really long but please share your thoughts I'll REALLY appreciate it. Thank you!!

[Aviyah]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

I think you did the right thing since clearly his faith is questionable. If you continued down that path, it could become a massive weight that may take years to resolve. But I'd say devote yourself to prayer regardless, and it will be easier to see God at work in this decision.

[jayne]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

All I know to do is to shoot from the hip and tell you that I am talking to you from the point of view of having seen this multiple times.

The biggest thing that stuck out to me was that you wanted to "save his soul for the Lord". I know that it's just a matter of semantics, but you can't save his soul OR help him with his faith. Only God can do this.

All you can do is to be a Christian example ...which you have not. Now that you understand what you've done is wrong, you want him to change. He isn't going to on your words alone.

I think you know where his interest lies. You've said it isn't with God or the Bible. That's clear.

I don't know how old you are, but I heartbroken every single time I read about or hear about or find out about girls and women who so easily send naked/partially pictures of themselves to men that they have never met before. It's alarmingly prevalent. What if he gets mad and sends these pictures to his friends?

If you learn nothing else, learn this:

• It's not dating if you've never seen each other in person.
• It's not love if it's just sexting, sending inappropriate photos, and if he gets frustrated with you easily and if he will not listen to your pleas for spiritual cleansing.
• Never sext or send inappropriate photos. Never. Ever. Even if it is to your husband. Never. Ever. Once these images are "out there", it's forever.
• This man is NOT interested in you as a Christian.
• Because you have sexted and sent pictures, do not seek any relationship at this time except for a relationship building with Jesus Christ.
• Certain men, even certain Christian men will say ANYTHING you want to hear to get you to do stupid things for his pleasure. It worked with you this time. Don't let it work again.
• He gave you the classic lines: He's "frustrated" and "stressed out" at work: He's been "dumped"; He's so hurt that he "dropped out of church". He played you. You lost.

I see this more times than you can count. It wearies my heart. Your attention should not be on him - it should be on you. Primarily it should be on the Lord.

Pray for him, yes. Contact him again at this time, no.

[Falconcheff]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Please... Oh Daughter! Please realize what is happening! You KNOW the truth; you KNOW what you're supposed to do at this point! Oh Please, do not let your flesh overcome your Spirit! He that is IN you is GREATER than he who is in the world!

From a man's point of view, jayne has hit the nail on the head... you deserve the Man God has picked for you! Not some random internet guy who's using your Christianity as a tool, a wolf in sheep's clothing, to get what he wants. IF you choose to meet him at this Christian event, he will SURELY try to sleep with you... DO NOT put yourself in temptation's way!

Does he prize you above riches? Proverbs 31:10
Will he cover you in his wings? Ruth 3:9
Does he love you like Christ loved the church? Ephesians 5:25
Does he honor you? 1Peter 3:7
Does he teach you the Word? 1Corinthians 14:35


IF you can't answer "Yes" to these questions, this is probably NOT the Man God has picked out for you! Lest you desire a life of sorrow, DO NOT unequally yoke yourself to this man.

[godlywomanwannabe]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

Hey everyone thank you for the messages. Just to clear things up I know it was wrong that I sent the pictures (three months ago and it happened once.) but about five days later, I stopped and made him delete my pictures. For the last three months I've been dedicating my life to Jesus like never before. When I broke up with him and told him that I couldn't date someone who didn't want to put God first he said he was sad because it's not that he doesn't wanna talk about Jesus or do any bible studies, it's just that it's been hard for him to get back to doing that. He said he felt kinda pressured to get right back to God because of how I said it and he said that he wanted my help and that he wants to change. He even showed me some notes today of the bible study he did last night. He also said that he wanted me to respect the process of him going back because it's not an overnight thing but he's doing his best and he wanted to do all of this with me cause in his words "Maybe you could be the help I need, the one who helps me to get back up". Also, we talked about the Bible before (he used to read his notes to me and explain some stories of the bible of when he used to be a youth pastor) but it wasn't something we would do weekly, he'd start the topic every once in a while. Honestly, right now I just feel like he doesn't know how to begin going back to all of this. I'm 100% sure I have changed drastically over the past three months, I feel like I'm unrecognizable and everyday I give my all to God, it's kinda crazy thinking of how I used to be and it all happened in such a "short" period of time. I told him all I want is to honor God through my relationship. I told him I would help him if he really wanted it. (Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language)

[Sonajero]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

It takes time to reverse a long walk away from God. It takes a moment to start that journey.

If your mystery man wants to talk a good game but constantly wants more time, more help, more from you, don't write off the possibility he's using the right words to keep you on the hook. In the process of helping him you'd be amazed what great-sounding reasons he might come up with for why you and he need to be together in person and from there why you need to be alone together, and from there you can probably figure out how things can develop in unhelpful ways. If he really wants a mentor to help guide him back to Christ he should seek out a male mentor who he can trust, confide in, pray with, without crossing lines of being inappropriate.

Writing a few notes from a single Bible study is a small price to pay if you're the kind of guy who wants to sweet-talk a Christian girl into thinking you're something you're not. How long does it take him to do that? Maybe 10 minutes? And those 10 minutes help set your mind at ease so you're more open to him feeding you more soothing words and getting you to drop your guard. If he's serious he'll have some notes, or some thoughts, about the Bible study he did multiple times a week. I don't buy into the idea that every Christian must read the Bible every single day but if he's going days or weeks without even opening his Bible you might be well advised to ask why.

If you want to help him you need to set appropriate boundaries before you start, and stick to them rigidly. I'd suggest one obvious boundary is that you don't discuss anything that relates to sex, sexual temptation, and the like. He needs to talk about that sort of thing with a man and you need to talk about that sort of thing with a woman.

[godlywomanwannabe]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

Thank for your reply! It was very helpful too bad I don't really have anyone to talk to but I'll keep praying and investing on my faith, of course!

[TrustGzus]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

I’m with Jayne and Falconcheff. I’m imagining you as my daughter. I want the best for you. Not perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist.

This guy ain’t close. I don’t trust him.

People need to seek God because they are broken over their sin.

Everything Jayne said is perfect. Forget him. Get plugged into a good church if you aren’t already. Seek God. He knows what is best for you. He knows who is good for you. So do mature women and father figures at a good church. They’ll guide you. And your good man is probably at a church where these ladies are.

[Aijalon]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

Hello godlywomanwannabe!

If you are close to God in this time, the spirit is telling you what to do.

It would sound like this man is in depression and you are his fixation, breaking up was a good step to take. Your relationship could be healed but it seems you will be the strong one for both of you, this will take it's toll on you. Your prayer life in God will be very important, and you will need to have the council of a close friend.

I am wondering what are the influences of friends and counselors in your life and his life? The crowd that you spend time with and listen to are critical. The kind of spiritual food you eat is very important, so what kind of food is he eating every day.

Know this, if his dependence for spiritual food is you, then any flaw or weakness in you will be come through as ten times greater in him. He must be himself grounded in God, and he should also have the influence of a mature man in his life.

[Aristarkos]

Re: My "Christian" Long Distance Boyfriend

Always be careful who you meet on dating websites, the internet is the perfect place to pretend and a lot do just that. From what I've read in your post, this guy isn't really what you want, it seems you just want to « save » him. Well, you can't, he can only save himself through faith in Christ and he clearly is unwilling, at least for now.

Never do sexting! Never! But I think you now that, just try to imagine the damage people can do with your messages and pictures. Imagining is enough, stay pure.

Move on with your life, keep the faith and do not try to force yourself to a partner. Being alone is not a bad thing after all, is it? You will find someone, almost everybody does eventually.

Aristarkos