If this is in the wrong place, please move it.
I joined a few days ago. My life is a mess. I don’t what to believe anymore. I don’t know how to come back from where I am, or if I believe it’s possible. I’m either in a crisis of faith and headed to apostasy, or in an existential crisis headed to utter despair. There is no way to include everything, I’ll try to be brief. Here goes.
I’m 51. I met my wife when we were teenagers. Shortly after I met her, she shared with me she had been “hurt” by her older brother. I had no idea at the time the extent (let your mind go to the darkest possible scenarios). Big Chris loves a rescue, so I was the knight. Eventually we married, and had kids. I have four now, 25, 23, 18 and 12. The children mean more to me than they probably should. My wife began to exhibit mental health issues in her mid 20s. Suicide attempts, personality disorder. We toughed it out for years. She has BPD and was abusive at times, and I didn’t respond well. In 2011 she told me she was babysitting for a couple we knew 12 years earlier. The husband had the wife leave with the children, and made a sexual advance at my wife. She went into what the psychiatrists describe as tonic immobility. The pain of her childhood was back as she couldn’t fight, just as she’d been trained as a child. So a rape to add on to her pain and suffering. She then told me of the level of the atrocities committed on her body by her brother. The next 7 years were filled with one mental hospital stay after another, and she was ultimately diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a sleep disorder from hyper vigilance. We no longer went to church as the memories she’d blocked came back, and she could no longer be around people. There’s volumes more but now we are facing a long term stay in a facility.
I lost any connection to God along the way, stopped praying, and lived from crisis to crisis. I’ve had much anger towards any idea of God, but Gos was always a failsafe in the back of my mind. The last 7-8 years are a blur. I’m very close to my children. I’m closest to my 18 year old, who went away to college last fall. Somehow we got on the topic of evolution, about which I was undereducated. So I looked into it with the idea I would convince her otherwise. Instead I’ve been sucked in and now nothing makes sense but evolution and random sadness. I should have known better as I have OCD and can dwell on things to the extent that baffles even therapists. She doesn’t know this has happened to me as a result of this, and she seems to be quite well adjusted to her atheism. But this has stripped me of everything I believed in. I no longer have the hope of seeing my wife’s glorified body, and of justice finally coming to those who hurt her, as I’m struggling with the very concept of God. I no longer see any meaning in life. The science looks so real, and for me, if Genesis isn’t literal, the whole construct comes down.
So here I am. Without the hope of afterlife. Without an intimate relationship with my wife or God. And with a mortal, terrifying fear of death and nothingness that goes back to my childhood. Big Chris is a big tough guy on the outside. He’s a mess on the inside. I don’t know if there’s any going back now that evolution seems so real, and atheism sprouts from it. The more I look the more convincing it is, and the creationist arguments seem so logically weak. So here I am.
I joined a few days ago. My life is a mess. I don’t what to believe anymore. I don’t know how to come back from where I am, or if I believe it’s possible. I’m either in a crisis of faith and headed to apostasy, or in an existential crisis headed to utter despair. There is no way to include everything, I’ll try to be brief. Here goes.
I’m 51. I met my wife when we were teenagers. Shortly after I met her, she shared with me she had been “hurt” by her older brother. I had no idea at the time the extent (let your mind go to the darkest possible scenarios). Big Chris loves a rescue, so I was the knight. Eventually we married, and had kids. I have four now, 25, 23, 18 and 12. The children mean more to me than they probably should. My wife began to exhibit mental health issues in her mid 20s. Suicide attempts, personality disorder. We toughed it out for years. She has BPD and was abusive at times, and I didn’t respond well. In 2011 she told me she was babysitting for a couple we knew 12 years earlier. The husband had the wife leave with the children, and made a sexual advance at my wife. She went into what the psychiatrists describe as tonic immobility. The pain of her childhood was back as she couldn’t fight, just as she’d been trained as a child. So a rape to add on to her pain and suffering. She then told me of the level of the atrocities committed on her body by her brother. The next 7 years were filled with one mental hospital stay after another, and she was ultimately diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a sleep disorder from hyper vigilance. We no longer went to church as the memories she’d blocked came back, and she could no longer be around people. There’s volumes more but now we are facing a long term stay in a facility.
I lost any connection to God along the way, stopped praying, and lived from crisis to crisis. I’ve had much anger towards any idea of God, but Gos was always a failsafe in the back of my mind. The last 7-8 years are a blur. I’m very close to my children. I’m closest to my 18 year old, who went away to college last fall. Somehow we got on the topic of evolution, about which I was undereducated. So I looked into it with the idea I would convince her otherwise. Instead I’ve been sucked in and now nothing makes sense but evolution and random sadness. I should have known better as I have OCD and can dwell on things to the extent that baffles even therapists. She doesn’t know this has happened to me as a result of this, and she seems to be quite well adjusted to her atheism. But this has stripped me of everything I believed in. I no longer have the hope of seeing my wife’s glorified body, and of justice finally coming to those who hurt her, as I’m struggling with the very concept of God. I no longer see any meaning in life. The science looks so real, and for me, if Genesis isn’t literal, the whole construct comes down.
So here I am. Without the hope of afterlife. Without an intimate relationship with my wife or God. And with a mortal, terrifying fear of death and nothingness that goes back to my childhood. Big Chris is a big tough guy on the outside. He’s a mess on the inside. I don’t know if there’s any going back now that evolution seems so real, and atheism sprouts from it. The more I look the more convincing it is, and the creationist arguments seem so logically weak. So here I am.
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