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Hi! I’m looking for some advice.
I’m leaving a good job I’ve had for over five years. It’s been great but it’s a dead-end positionin the company, so I’m looking for something new and different. My immediate supervisor is a friend, abeliever, and a good man, but our relationship has soured somewhat. On the advice of a family member I asked mysupervisor for an exit commentary, a summary of my strengths and weaknesses. To my surprise he asked me for the samething. Now I’m stuck not knowing what towrite.
Here’s the situation. Like I say, he’s a fellow believer, agood friend and a good man. I’ve learnedSO MUCH from him, and he’s been very forgiving when I’ve made some reallydumb/costly mistakes. I’ve been closewith his family too- his two kids adore me and the younger is guaranteed totalk my ear off while climbing on me whenever we see each other. However, the last 18 months or so things havegone downhill between me and my boss. For one I asked my boss for a reference letter as I applied for correspondenceschool, and though he wrote one the reference letter was really weak. Not bad, just faint praise, and I really feltlike I deserved a lot better. God gaveme my skills of course and the opportunities to use them, but it’s a downerwhen it seems they’re not noticed or appreciated. I’m a problem-solver, I’m conscientious, andin a spirit of servant hood and friendship I volunteer for difficult andunpleasant tasks- in the letter my boss basically said I do menial grunt workwithout complaining. That’s true but it’snot exactly calculated to help me further my education. He’s told me a numberof times “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” and when he leaves forvacation I take care of the entire shop,including taking the work phone home and being on-call day and night, but noneof that made it into the reference letter. In my heart then I began questioning if hereally saw what I did for him. Afterthat on one occasion my supervisor’s supervisor visited, and told us that we’daccomplished as much in two years as he thought we would in accomplish in four. I mentioned it to my boss since he oftenexpresses frustration with what he considers our slow pace, and his words were,“It was nice of him to say that, but this project is going so much slower thanI want.” That hurt since I had two yearsof blisters, bruises, hustling and heavy lifting in the project. Last year we unexpectedly got some positive,international media coverage (yes, really), and I thought maybe my boss (sincewe both know I have a dead-end position) would be kind enough to let me have abit of the spotlight so I could advance my career and do some networking, buthe brought his wife in instead (she runs errands for us sometimes?). I was hurt, and of course I had friendscalling me and on facebook saying “I saw your shop and your boss and yourproject on TV- where were you?” Then we’d been so busy he brought in someshort-term help. Unfortunately some ofthe short-term help was either lazy or physically incapable of carrying out thejob very well (“old football injury, can’t lift more than ten pounds” type ofthing) so I wound up doing ALL the heavy, difficult jobs, but now with no breaksince the cushy jobs which I used to have to mix things up were assigned to thehelp. I also wound up babysitting thehelp since I know how things “work” and know how my boss likes things done. I thought that was bad enough but it gotworse- recently some of the short-term help had long blonde hair and big blueeyes. I think my boss is too good a manto actually cheat on his wife, but I notice Blondie (who was indeed quitecharming) started getting all the fun and career-boosting jobs, and my bossactually gave her credit for a problem I solved (she carried out my idea, butit was still my idea)! He also praisedher highly for giving him daily “updates” during the day- which I usually didon my own time after closing, since I was usually too busy during the dayactually getting things done to chit chat. So I think he may have had some sort of crushon her. My last week on the job hebasically said I wasn’t working fast enough, and said it seemed like I didn’tbelieve in my work anymore. I wasspeechless,- that same week I had about 7 hours overtime in (which I didn’tknow if I would get paid for or not, because of our weird payroll system), hadsaved our shop maybe $200-300 and at least temporarily solved a materialshortage. We parted as friends, I think,and he seems supportive of me finding a new job, but I’m busted up inside.
Caveat- I might have been overly sensitive this fall becauseof some failures in my personal life. Mylong-term girlfriend and I broke up because she was sexually assaulted bysomeone she knew and couldn’t overcome her subsequent trust issues- even thoughshe said she trusted me and I was as supportive as I knew how. It felt like all the love and patience andunderstanding I poured out counted for nothing. I also competed in a sporting event that I’d been preparing for formonths and failed miserably- it didn’t help that I’d injured myself hustling atwork a few days before! Another instancewhere it felt like all my effort was wasted. I’m also not good at standing up for myself or telling people when they’vehurt me, so I’ve told my boss almost none of this. My knee-jerk reaction is sort of “well ifthey care they’d be sorry anyway and if they don’t care they wouldn’t be sorryanyway, so why even bring it up?”
I try to remind myself that God’s in control and He will putme wherever He wants me, and all these little things are JUST circumstances,but that helps only in some ways and not in others.
I’m not sure how to handle writing my exit commentary. My supervisor is one of my heroes. Until recently I thought we were going to belifelong friends (I still want to be, but the friendship feels sour these days). He’s also really hurt me and let me downlately. I don’t like to criticize anybody,but I also… have the urge to point that he’s not always done right by me.
So to shrink all this down into a few questions:
How much criticism, if any, do I give my former boss in theexit write-up? Especially since some ofit, like perceived favoritism, may be very sensitive? Only he will read it unless he shows it tosomeone, but still. If I don’t put anyof that in writing, should I make a point of addressing it in a more informalway at a later date? If I do it later,again, how deep do go? I love my bosswith my whole heart and of course I forgive him, but that doesn’t mean my hurtjust goes away. Is it wise to try tokeep up a close friendship in this situation or should I just more or less fadeaway once I get a new job?
Thanks for reading! God bless you.
I’m leaving a good job I’ve had for over five years. It’s been great but it’s a dead-end positionin the company, so I’m looking for something new and different. My immediate supervisor is a friend, abeliever, and a good man, but our relationship has soured somewhat. On the advice of a family member I asked mysupervisor for an exit commentary, a summary of my strengths and weaknesses. To my surprise he asked me for the samething. Now I’m stuck not knowing what towrite.
Here’s the situation. Like I say, he’s a fellow believer, agood friend and a good man. I’ve learnedSO MUCH from him, and he’s been very forgiving when I’ve made some reallydumb/costly mistakes. I’ve been closewith his family too- his two kids adore me and the younger is guaranteed totalk my ear off while climbing on me whenever we see each other. However, the last 18 months or so things havegone downhill between me and my boss. For one I asked my boss for a reference letter as I applied for correspondenceschool, and though he wrote one the reference letter was really weak. Not bad, just faint praise, and I really feltlike I deserved a lot better. God gaveme my skills of course and the opportunities to use them, but it’s a downerwhen it seems they’re not noticed or appreciated. I’m a problem-solver, I’m conscientious, andin a spirit of servant hood and friendship I volunteer for difficult andunpleasant tasks- in the letter my boss basically said I do menial grunt workwithout complaining. That’s true but it’snot exactly calculated to help me further my education. He’s told me a numberof times “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” and when he leaves forvacation I take care of the entire shop,including taking the work phone home and being on-call day and night, but noneof that made it into the reference letter. In my heart then I began questioning if hereally saw what I did for him. Afterthat on one occasion my supervisor’s supervisor visited, and told us that we’daccomplished as much in two years as he thought we would in accomplish in four. I mentioned it to my boss since he oftenexpresses frustration with what he considers our slow pace, and his words were,“It was nice of him to say that, but this project is going so much slower thanI want.” That hurt since I had two yearsof blisters, bruises, hustling and heavy lifting in the project. Last year we unexpectedly got some positive,international media coverage (yes, really), and I thought maybe my boss (sincewe both know I have a dead-end position) would be kind enough to let me have abit of the spotlight so I could advance my career and do some networking, buthe brought his wife in instead (she runs errands for us sometimes?). I was hurt, and of course I had friendscalling me and on facebook saying “I saw your shop and your boss and yourproject on TV- where were you?” Then we’d been so busy he brought in someshort-term help. Unfortunately some ofthe short-term help was either lazy or physically incapable of carrying out thejob very well (“old football injury, can’t lift more than ten pounds” type ofthing) so I wound up doing ALL the heavy, difficult jobs, but now with no breaksince the cushy jobs which I used to have to mix things up were assigned to thehelp. I also wound up babysitting thehelp since I know how things “work” and know how my boss likes things done. I thought that was bad enough but it gotworse- recently some of the short-term help had long blonde hair and big blueeyes. I think my boss is too good a manto actually cheat on his wife, but I notice Blondie (who was indeed quitecharming) started getting all the fun and career-boosting jobs, and my bossactually gave her credit for a problem I solved (she carried out my idea, butit was still my idea)! He also praisedher highly for giving him daily “updates” during the day- which I usually didon my own time after closing, since I was usually too busy during the dayactually getting things done to chit chat. So I think he may have had some sort of crushon her. My last week on the job hebasically said I wasn’t working fast enough, and said it seemed like I didn’tbelieve in my work anymore. I wasspeechless,- that same week I had about 7 hours overtime in (which I didn’tknow if I would get paid for or not, because of our weird payroll system), hadsaved our shop maybe $200-300 and at least temporarily solved a materialshortage. We parted as friends, I think,and he seems supportive of me finding a new job, but I’m busted up inside.
Caveat- I might have been overly sensitive this fall becauseof some failures in my personal life. Mylong-term girlfriend and I broke up because she was sexually assaulted bysomeone she knew and couldn’t overcome her subsequent trust issues- even thoughshe said she trusted me and I was as supportive as I knew how. It felt like all the love and patience andunderstanding I poured out counted for nothing. I also competed in a sporting event that I’d been preparing for formonths and failed miserably- it didn’t help that I’d injured myself hustling atwork a few days before! Another instancewhere it felt like all my effort was wasted. I’m also not good at standing up for myself or telling people when they’vehurt me, so I’ve told my boss almost none of this. My knee-jerk reaction is sort of “well ifthey care they’d be sorry anyway and if they don’t care they wouldn’t be sorryanyway, so why even bring it up?”
I try to remind myself that God’s in control and He will putme wherever He wants me, and all these little things are JUST circumstances,but that helps only in some ways and not in others.
I’m not sure how to handle writing my exit commentary. My supervisor is one of my heroes. Until recently I thought we were going to belifelong friends (I still want to be, but the friendship feels sour these days). He’s also really hurt me and let me downlately. I don’t like to criticize anybody,but I also… have the urge to point that he’s not always done right by me.
So to shrink all this down into a few questions:
How much criticism, if any, do I give my former boss in theexit write-up? Especially since some ofit, like perceived favoritism, may be very sensitive? Only he will read it unless he shows it tosomeone, but still. If I don’t put anyof that in writing, should I make a point of addressing it in a more informalway at a later date? If I do it later,again, how deep do go? I love my bosswith my whole heart and of course I forgive him, but that doesn’t mean my hurtjust goes away. Is it wise to try tokeep up a close friendship in this situation or should I just more or less fadeaway once I get a new job?
Thanks for reading! God bless you.
I miss that show.
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