Relationship/Fears of marriage

[JesusMySavior]

Hi saints!

I have some godly concerns and everytime I think about marriage or relationships it comes up.

First off, if it is God's plan that I get married, I really want to know if the woman I am dating is the right one for me; and I've heard it said to write down all the qualities that you want in a woman, and if she matches most of them you are pretty close.

Another big concern I have had is, it seems genetically engineered in me that I become controlling or manipulative in a relationship 3-4 months into it. My dad has this problem and I think it has been passed down to me. I pray that the Lord will break it off of me, but it's hard.

I am absolutely terrified of finding the right woman, getting married, being in love, and suddenly some day she's not enough for me and I become controlling and manipulative, perhaps even physical, picking out every little thing she does wrong and criticizing. Now I hate doing that - but if I have a bad day, and I'm not abiding in the Word as much, that can happen just out of guilty feelings in my own self.

I'm a very emotional person and it can manifest itself wonderfully in romance and love, but also in anger and hurtfulness. With God's help I am able to keep it under control, as I am not the servant of my emotions, I am the servant of Christ.

I just hate being taken advantage of, and my feelings and emotions sometimes fire off in ways that they shouldn't. If I ever have kids I'm afraid I might discipline them too much out of anger or frustration, which is not a good practice.

I've often thought because of these problems I am to be alone until God fixes them, because it doesn't seem like I'm ready, but yet spiritually I do feel ready.

I really want to love a wife and treat her with respect and dignity and honor, lifting her up in praise and wonder. However I must also learn to keep my fort of emotions under control because that devotion could easily lead to frustration when the favors are not being returned and I feel I am being rejected.

I've destroyed wonderful relationships for this reason. I've repented but my flesh is always on the roam, the ghost that it is.

Any advice? Encouragement? Cookies?

Thanks!

[bdh]

Relationships are dangerous things; probably more risky than playing chicken blindfolded with an 18 wheeler on the freeway. So why do people do it - because the rewards of a good relationship go further and deeper and are more soul touching than any other human experience. We were built for relationships, it's in our genes.

Get it wrong and it will break you. Get it right and you will discover the wonders of truly having a soul mate that is part of you and you of her. A wondrous, holy thing.

Live life without one and you will have missed out on the highest achievement anyone can know.

The risks are high but the rewards dwarf the risks; which leads to one and only one conclusion: if she's the one, you will do, no, must do, whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

We were not built to be alone.

[RedBird777]

Relationships are dangerous things; probably more risky than playing chicken blindfolded with an 18 wheeler on the freeway. So why do people do it - because the rewards of a good relationship go further and deeper and are more soul touching than any other human experience. We were built for relationships, it's in our genes.

Get it wrong and it will break you. Get it right and you will discover the wonders of truly having a soul mate that is part of you and you of her. A wondrous, holy thing.

Live life without one and you will have missed out on the highest achievement anyone can know.

The risks are high but the rewards dwarf the risks; which leads to one and only one conclusion: if she's the one, you will do, no, must do, whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

We were not built to be alone.

I don't think I could have said it any better.

I must say, you shouldn't be too afraid...it may suck being rejected/dumped, but you'll get over it. I'm kind of emotional as well (I'm Italian), so I know how much it sucks. You will not know who "Ms. Right" is until the time is right.

[JesusMySavior]

Thanks guys. Looks like I'm pressing into God and relying on Him. We've all got baggage we've got to deal with; but with Jesus on our side we have nothing to worry about.

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

[HisLeast]

Here's some advice. Don't "control" your emotions by suppression. Control them by releasing them in a controlled fashion. I'll give you an example....

My wife used to interrupt me, especially in social situations. We'd be with friends and someone would ask me a direct question. I'd take a breath, think about my answer, open my mouth, and my wife would start speaking. Drove me INSANE. So I just pushed it into the "dealing with it" corner of my brain (that is to say "not dealing with it"). Three or four occasions of this and I just flat out blew up at her. That made her put her defenses up, and we had a knock down drag out fight that lasted most the night, caused some tears, and had us bitter most the next day.

Well... I told her how I felt right? Kinda. After I invested the angry feeling and accrued interest. When I finally decided to have a rational conversation with her about it, we came to a very thorough, very caring understanding of each other's perspective and it hasn't been a problem since.

So to make a long story short: feeling suppression is not feeling control!

[JesusMySavior]

Here's some advice. Don't "control" your emotions by suppression. Control them by releasing them in a controlled fashion. I'll give you an example....

My wife used to interrupt me, especially in social situations. We'd be with friends and someone would ask me a direct question. I'd take a breath, think about my answer, open my mouth, and my wife would start speaking. Drove me INSANE. So I just pushed it into the "dealing with it" corner of my brain (that is to say "not dealing with it"). Three or four occasions of this and I just flat out blew up at her. That made her put her defenses up, and we had a knock down drag out fight that lasted most the night, caused some tears, and had us bitter most the next day.

Well... I told her how I felt right? Kinda. After I invested the angry feeling and accrued interest. When I finally decided to have a rational conversation with her about it, we came to a very thorough, very caring understanding of each other's perspective and it hasn't been a problem since.

So to make a long story short: feeling suppression is not feeling control!

So what would be an effective way of dealing with it, in your same situation?

If she interrupted you, would you just say "honey, I don't appreciate it when you interrupt me like this, I was going to speak"?

thanks

[NHL Fever]

My wife used to interrupt me, especially in social situations. We'd be with friends and someone would ask me a direct question. I'd take a breath, think about my answer, open my mouth, and my wife would start speaking. Drove me INSANE. So I just pushed it into the "dealing with it" corner of my brain (that is to say "not dealing with it"). Three or four occasions of this and I just flat out blew up at her. That made her put her defenses up, and we had a knock down drag out fight that lasted most the night, caused some tears, and had us bitter most the next day.

Well... I told her how I felt right? Kinda. After I invested the angry feeling and accrued interest. When I finally decided to have a rational conversation with her about it, we came to a very thorough, very caring understanding of each other's perspective and it hasn't been a problem since.

Let me pick your brain further on this. When my wife and I disagree, we've had some fights but after about a year and a half of marriage I've become a lot better at not letting it escalate. Not perfect, just better. It has come at a cost - I do have numerous grievances for which my strategy has been to not mention them. I continue to search for a way to actually bring them up without my wife getting hurt and therefore defensive, so far without much success. In the meantime I just remind myself to count my blessings of which there are many, and assure myself they are small and therefore not worth the battle. I usually don't find it difficult to respond calmly and factually to an emotional party in an tense situation, nevertheless those things remain, negatively affecting me if I'm to belief you, which I have no reason not to.

So I'm happy to hear you've reached a good understanding on some issues with your wife. We too have disputes then reconciliation with vulnerability, my problem is this rarely leads to a change. For example using your situation, if that was my wife she would likely get defensive, then slowly calm down then apologize and so would I to reciprocate. Then within 24-48 hours she would forget about how great a step that was and simply go back to interrupting me. This could repeat itself a bunch of times. She appears to think feeling penitent counts as making progress. When you had your chats did you succeed in creating any changes?

(sorry to op for jumping in but didn't want to miss out on your good question)