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  • is marriage counseling worth it?

    I've been married for 18 years now. for that entire time we've dealt with the same issues. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if he feels the same way. he doesn't even really realize our marriage is dying. we've tried counseling with our pastor before but he felt forced to go so the only changes he made were token changes and didn't last. I'm wondering if counseling with a professional will be any different. in truth, the core issues are his and he has to be ready to deal with them but I'm reaching a point where I'm tired of waiting for him to be ready. I won't go into detail because I'm new here and he may or may not have an account on this board but suffice it to say, I would have a biblical basis for divorce. I'm just wondering if dragging him to counseling one last time would actually make a difference if he knows this time if things don't change he'll lose me. I still love him as much as I ever did but a person can only take so much.

  • #2
    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    You are the only person who can answer that question honestly.

    If you love him like you say you love him, it's worth a chance with a professional.
    sigpic
    ".....it's your nickel"

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    • #3
      Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

      You can’t drag someone to change

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

        Originally posted by created4apurpose View Post
        I've been married for 18 years now. for that entire time we've dealt with the same issues. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if he feels the same way. he doesn't even really realize our marriage is dying. we've tried counseling with our pastor before but he felt forced to go so the only changes he made were token changes and didn't last. I'm wondering if counseling with a professional will be any different. in truth, the core issues are his and he has to be ready to deal with them but I'm reaching a point where I'm tired of waiting for him to be ready. I won't go into detail because I'm new here and he may or may not have an account on this board but suffice it to say, I would have a biblical basis for divorce. I'm just wondering if dragging him to counseling one last time would actually make a difference if he knows this time if things don't change he'll lose me. I still love him as much as I ever did but a person can only take so much.
        If your husband is not willing to go to counseling, would you consider going for yourself?
        I understand that you believe it is his issues that need to change, and that perhaps these are fairly serious issues, enough to say you can only take so much.
        A counselor can be very helpful support and give you insight into your life-- shift the focus a bit, since it seems you have had some painful stuff happen.
        Rabbi is right-- I will use my own words.
        I cannot change anyone but myself (I also have to allow God to get in there because I am weak when it comes to changing)
        Peace to you!

        It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

        1 Corinthians 1:30

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        • #5
          Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

          SS is right. It's worth it for you. While he is living with you in your home, never give up on him or your marriage. I know you didn't mean "drag" as in force or manipulate him into it, but at least go yourself. Who knows where the dust may settle. Wherever it does, you need to be strong and the best person you can.
          sigpic
          ".....it's your nickel"

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          • #6
            Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

            I wouldn't force him to go no. I'd ask if he was willing but then end up wondering if he said yes because he thought he had to. he's like that sometimes. someone will ask him to do something and he'll say yes as if he's completely willing when in reality he felt pushed into it even if that's not the case. I was kind of considering starting off by myself. if we go together the first time he might feel ganged up on as I try to explain why I feel we need to be there. it's a matter of finding a christian counselor, hopefully covered by our insurance. our pastor doesn't do counseling which makes it harder to know who to talk to.

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            • #7
              Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

              Originally posted by created4apurpose View Post
              I wouldn't force him to go no. I'd ask if he was willing but then end up wondering if he said yes because he thought he had to. he's like that sometimes. someone will ask him to do something and he'll say yes as if he's completely willing when in reality he felt pushed into it even if that's not the case. I was kind of considering starting off by myself. if we go together the first time he might feel ganged up on as I try to explain why I feel we need to be there. it's a matter of finding a christian counselor, hopefully covered by our insurance. our pastor doesn't do counseling which makes it harder to know who to talk to.
              Would the two of you consider doing this?

              Matthew 18:19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

              20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.


              Jude
              A man is in a great place when he has no one to turn to but God.

              ~ Smith Wigglesworth

              sigpic

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              • #8
                Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                Originally posted by Jude View Post
                Would the two of you consider doing this?

                Matthew 18:19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

                20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.


                Jude
                That's dealing with church discipline of a sinful believer, not about marriage counselling.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                  Originally posted by created4apurpose View Post
                  I've been married for 18 years now. for that entire time we've dealt with the same issues. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if he feels the same way. he doesn't even really realize our marriage is dying. we've tried counseling with our pastor before but he felt forced to go so the only changes he made were token changes and didn't last. I'm wondering if counseling with a professional will be any different. in truth, the core issues are his and he has to be ready to deal with them but I'm reaching a point where I'm tired of waiting for him to be ready. I won't go into detail because I'm new here and he may or may not have an account on this board but suffice it to say, I would have a biblical basis for divorce. I'm just wondering if dragging him to counseling one last time would actually make a difference if he knows this time if things don't change he'll lose me. I still love him as much as I ever did but a person can only take so much.
                  Sounds like you are the one wanting to give up... Yes ?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                    Originally posted by Pbminimum View Post
                    Sounds like you are the one wanting to give up... Yes ?
                    wanting to, no. ready to? yeah. it takes 2 to make a marriage work and for nearly 2 decades it's been pretty much just me. we've tried pastoral counseling, individual counseling for our separate issues, bible study, etc but for him it's a token effort. he does it because he thinks he should so the changes don't last.

                    Jude, I've been praying and will continue to pray. praying together has to be initiated by him because when I ask to pray with him he shuts me out, ignores me or gets frustrated. so for now I'm praying solo. I'm praying for him to be healed and whole because I know that so many things will change once he is.

                    And just so I'm clear, I haven't shut him out. I still tell him I love him, we still hug, we still kiss, I still do the little things that I do just for him. so even if I feel our marriage is dead, I'm still doing my part. and I'll continue to do so for as long as I stay with him.

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                    • #11
                      Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                      Originally posted by created4apurpose View Post
                      wanting to, no. ready to? yeah. it takes 2 to make a marriage work and for nearly 2 decades it's been pretty much just me. we've tried pastoral counseling, individual counseling for our separate issues, bible study, etc but for him it's a token effort. he does it because he thinks he should so the changes don't last.

                      Jude, I've been praying and will continue to pray. praying together has to be initiated by him because when I ask to pray with him he shuts me out, ignores me or gets frustrated. so for now I'm praying solo. I'm praying for him to be healed and whole because I know that so many things will change once he is.

                      And just so I'm clear, I haven't shut him out. I still tell him I love him, we still hug, we still kiss, I still do the little things that I do just for him. so even if I feel our marriage is dead, I'm still doing my part. and I'll continue to do so for as long as I stay with him.
                      You should here was Dr. Laura (a non-Christian therapist) says about "The care and feeding of husbands." It's on her website.


                      Highly controversial, but pretty common sense.

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                      • #12
                        Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                        Originally posted by created4apurpose View Post
                        wanting to, no. ready to? yeah. it takes 2 to make a marriage work and for nearly 2 decades it's been pretty much just me. we've tried pastoral counseling, individual counseling for our separate issues, bible study, etc but for him it's a token effort. he does it because he thinks he should so the changes don't last.

                        Jude, I've been praying and will continue to pray. praying together has to be initiated by him because when I ask to pray with him he shuts me out, ignores me or gets frustrated. so for now I'm praying solo. I'm praying for him to be healed and whole because I know that so many things will change once he is.

                        And just so I'm clear, I haven't shut him out. I still tell him I love him, we still hug, we still kiss, I still do the little things that I do just for him. so even if I feel our marriage is dead, I'm still doing my part. and I'll continue to do so for as long as I stay with him.
                        At this point i honestly don't think human counseling will work.. what you both need is a spiritual refreshing from our great counselor.. and you need to go to him together..

                        Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.


                        Jude

                        *edit: i should have added this..i feel the both of you could use the joy that comes from being in the presence of the Lord

                        Psalm 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
                        A man is in a great place when he has no one to turn to but God.

                        ~ Smith Wigglesworth

                        sigpic

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                          Originally posted by created4apurpose View Post
                          wanting to, no. ready to? yeah. it takes 2 to make a marriage work and for nearly 2 decades it's been pretty much just me. we've tried pastoral counseling, individual counseling for our separate issues, bible study, etc but for him it's a token effort. he does it because he thinks he should so the changes don't last.

                          Jude, I've been praying and will continue to pray. praying together has to be initiated by him because when I ask to pray with him he shuts me out, ignores me or gets frustrated. so for now I'm praying solo. I'm praying for him to be healed and whole because I know that so many things will change once he is.

                          And just so I'm clear, I haven't shut him out. I still tell him I love him, we still hug, we still kiss, I still do the little things that I do just for him. so even if I feel our marriage is dead, I'm still doing my part. and I'll continue to do so for as long as I stay with him.
                          I'm not a counselor and there is no way anyone here can fully understand what your going through in the limited amount of info you can give here. But unless there is physical abuse , infidelity, or complete abandonment on his part then It's salvageable. And even if there was the aforementioned transgressions, sometimes it is still salvageable.

                          You say your husband doesn't realize your marriage is dying. What does that mean ?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                            Originally posted by Jude View Post
                            At this point i honestly don't think human counseling will work.. what you both need is a spiritual refreshing from our great counselor.. and you need to go to him together..

                            Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.


                            Jude

                            *edit: i should have added this..i feel the both of you could use the joy that comes from being in the presence of the Lord

                            Psalm 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
                            if you read what I said, you'd see that he won't pray with me when asked. HE has to initiate it or it doesn't happen. I'm not saying I don't agree with you, I'm saying it has to be his idea for him to be willing to do it.

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                            • #15
                              Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

                              it means he either doesn't realize we have a total lack of communication or he's so wrapped up in his own issues that it's going ignored. he doesn't realize how neglected I am and if I were to bring it up he would just withdraw more. or worse he would start talking suicidal (as in saying things like "you would be better off if I jumped in front of a bus"). he spends so much of his time either talking to friends on facebook or playing games on the computer. if he joins me on the couch he falls asleep. I've suggested playing games or going for walks and he shuts me down. he's not big on board games so I bought card games and a book of games that can be played with a regular deck. I even marked the games I thought I'd be able to learn with my brain fog (I have fibromyalgia). it's gone untouched since. I can't talk to him about anything because he'll either lose his temper (no matter how I say it), completely shut down or talk suicidal. so emotionally I pretty much have been abandoned. there is also infidelity just not physical (adultery of the heart as defined by Jesus Himself). I want to salvage it, I've been trying for 18 years to salvage it. the only thing that has improved is that his temper isn't quite as bad as it used to be (he NEVER hit me or I'd have been gone long ago). he sweeps problems under the rug, sticks his head in the sand, whatever analogy you want to use.

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