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  • Please Help Desperately want to be drawn back

    I think it only fair to say up front that while I selected Christian at the sign-up, I really don't know how I view myself anymore. Until the last couple of years, I never had any doubts whatsoever about my faith, but it's been more or less shattered now. My whole reason for joining this forum is that I feel like I need a place that I can fully vent my feelings without having to worry about being cut off. Too many of the people I know that care about me will interrupt me and tell me that I "know better" or that I "don't believe that" when I try to talk to them and ask for help. That's not helpful at all. An internet forum offers me the opportunity to fully express myself, and after looking at a few of them, this one made me feel the most comfortable.

    While I'm not going to answer any questions about the details, I admit from the outset that my problems originated from my own mistakes. When the trouble started, I looked at it as God sending me a message about things that I needed to get right, and I began trying to deal with Him on that basis. However, about two years ago, during one of the darkest times of my ordeal, my former "pastor" absolutely eviscerated me during a conversation in which I went to him for counsel. Before anyone suggests it was a matter of me not wanting to hear difficult truths, it came about by him attacking me over things he already knew about that I told him were causing me extreme feelings of guilt. Long story short, from then on, I began realizing that most of my "Christian" friends were anything but, and I guess you can say that I went about doing a lot of soul searching and reevaluations. During that time, I pleaded with God to help me, and I pleaded with Him to allow me to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, because I knew that my faith was dying. I didn't want it to die because it was the only thing truly keeping me afloat. But, it seemed that every time I asked God for help, things only got worse. Every time I pleaded with him, something would happen to make my own personal situation worse or something would happen to make things worse for someone I loved. The end result of that was that I gave up on asking Him for help.

    I do believe that there is a God. I don't question that for a moment. What I find myself questioning is if He can possibly be who He claims to be. My own struggles have made me understand more than ever before just how much evil and pain is in this world, and most of the time I look at that and feel that there's no way that a loving God who had it in His power to stop it could have failed to do so. Most of the time, I feel that God is responsible for all of it if only because He allowed it to take hold. That leads me to question how good or loving He really is. I question how a loving God could create people that He knew from the beginning would suffer for eternity in Hell. I just can't wrap my mind around that. But the biggest problem I see is that, with all of the problems in the world, if there's not a loving God out there, life is absolutely and utterly hopeless, and that's how I feel the vast majority of the time. I've always had problems with depression and anxiety, but since I've started having the struggles I've outlined, they've become far, far worse, probably needless to say.

    I'm not posting this as any attempt to attack Christianity. I have no doubt that some will assume that I'm a troll, but I'm not. I'm hurting and hopeless, and I want it to stop. The fact of the matter is, I want the Bible to be true. If it's not, there's no hope. "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." That's true, but I've lost even that hope. I think there's something in me that's not entirely dead, because I still enjoy hearing the Gospel music and hymns that I always loved so much. Sometimes, when I listen to them, it feels like something is trying to stir in me, but whatever it is, it's definitely on life support. My problem isn't an easy one because I know the Bible very well. Most people that I know that try to pull me back to God start off by saying something along the lines of "you know the Bible better than I do." I've read it from cover to cover quite a few times, and I've memorized large portions of it. I never would have thought that could be a problem, but it is since it's impossible for anyone to give me scripture that I'm not familiar with. I guess I'm hoping that someone here can give me a new perspective on what I already know that can snap me out of this.

    To anyone who read this and is willing to try to help, thank you. It's more than most people I know have proven willing to do. Again, I'm not going into any personal details at all, but I'll share more of my questions and doubts as the discussion progresses if that's necessary.

  • #2
    Welcome to the group, glad you found us.

    You have spoken above about relationships with others, relatives, former pastors, etc.

    What about your relationship, past or present, with Jesus.
    The carpenter from Galilee who went to the cross because of His love for you.

    Where were/are you on this relationship?
    Jesus is YHWH the eternal Great I AM.
    • Jesus said unto them, Ye are from beneath; I AM from above: ye are of this world; I AM not of this world. if ye believe not that I AM He, ye shall die in your sins. John 8:23
    • " I YHWH the LORD, the first, and with the last; I AM He. Thus saith YHWH the LORD the King of Israel, and his redeemer YHWH the LORD of hosts; I AM the first, and I AM the last; and beside me there is no God.” Isaiah 41:4,44:6
    • "And [the son of Man] laid his right hand upon me, saying Fear not; I AM the first and the last: I AM He that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I AM alive for evermore. These things saith the first and the last, which was dead, and is alive" Rev 1:17, 2:8
    • "And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be. I AM Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last." Rev 22:12

    Comment


    • #3
      Where I was is far clearer than where I am. I put my trust in Him as a young child, and, as I said, until a couple of years ago, I had no doubts. I spent many years in various forms of ministry, and I certainly wouldn't have done as much as I did for as long as I did if there hadn't been a strong relationship. Now, I don't know what I think. As I said, I gave up on praying when, time after time that I asked for help, things got worse. So, I guess there's an estrangement there. My belief was always that Jesus is God in the flesh, and therefore, if I knew what I truly believed about God, I'd have a much easier time telling what I believe about Jesus. I want to believe it. I want to feel that He loves me. Right now. I just can't.

      I don't know if that really answers your question (probably not), and I'm not trying to be evasive, but everything is so turned around for me right now that I don't know which way is up and I can't do any better than that.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
        Where I was is far clearer than where I am. I put my trust in Him as a young child, and, as I said, until a couple of years ago, I had no doubts. I spent many years in various forms of ministry, and I certainly wouldn't have done as much as I did for as long as I did if there hadn't been a strong relationship. Now, I don't know what I think. As I said, I gave up on praying when, time after time that I asked for help, things got worse. So, I guess there's an estrangement there. My belief was always that Jesus is God in the flesh, and therefore, if I knew what I truly believed about God, I'd have a much easier time telling what I believe about Jesus. I want to believe it. I want to feel that He loves me. Right now. I just can't.

        I don't know if that really answers your question (probably not), and I'm not trying to be evasive, but everything is so turned around for me right now that I don't know which way is up and I can't do any better than that.
        I'm sorry for your struggles and your suffering. If it helps, the rest of us are also going through struggles and suffering. Jesus warned us this would happen. We were told to expect it. The apostles help us put our suffering into context and to understand why it is necessary.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
          I think it only fair to say up front that while I selected Christian at the sign-up, I really don't know how I view myself anymore. Until the last couple of years, I never had any doubts whatsoever about my faith, but it's been more or less shattered now. My whole reason for joining this forum is that I feel like I need a place that I can fully vent my feelings without having to worry about being cut off. Too many of the people I know that care about me will interrupt me and tell me that I "know better" or that I "don't believe that" when I try to talk to them and ask for help. That's not helpful at all. An internet forum offers me the opportunity to fully express myself, and after looking at a few of them, this one made me feel the most comfortable.

          While I'm not going to answer any questions about the details, I admit from the outset that my problems originated from my own mistakes. When the trouble started, I looked at it as God sending me a message about things that I needed to get right, and I began trying to deal with Him on that basis. However, about two years ago, during one of the darkest times of my ordeal, my former "pastor" absolutely eviscerated me during a conversation in which I went to him for counsel. Before anyone suggests it was a matter of me not wanting to hear difficult truths, it came about by him attacking me over things he already knew about that I told him were causing me extreme feelings of guilt. Long story short, from then on, I began realizing that most of my "Christian" friends were anything but, and I guess you can say that I went about doing a lot of soul searching and reevaluations. During that time, I pleaded with God to help me, and I pleaded with Him to allow me to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, because I knew that my faith was dying. I didn't want it to die because it was the only thing truly keeping me afloat. But, it seemed that every time I asked God for help, things only got worse. Every time I pleaded with him, something would happen to make my own personal situation worse or something would happen to make things worse for someone I loved. The end result of that was that I gave up on asking Him for help.

          I do believe that there is a God. I don't question that for a moment. What I find myself questioning is if He can possibly be who He claims to be. My own struggles have made me understand more than ever before just how much evil and pain is in this world, and most of the time I look at that and feel that there's no way that a loving God who had it in His power to stop it could have failed to do so. Most of the time, I feel that God is responsible for all of it if only because He allowed it to take hold. That leads me to question how good or loving He really is. I question how a loving God could create people that He knew from the beginning would suffer for eternity in Hell. I just can't wrap my mind around that. But the biggest problem I see is that, with all of the problems in the world, if there's not a loving God out there, life is absolutely and utterly hopeless, and that's how I feel the vast majority of the time. I've always had problems with depression and anxiety, but since I've started having the struggles I've outlined, they've become far, far worse, probably needless to say.

          I'm not posting this as any attempt to attack Christianity. I have no doubt that some will assume that I'm a troll, but I'm not. I'm hurting and hopeless, and I want it to stop. The fact of the matter is, I want the Bible to be true. If it's not, there's no hope. "If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable." That's true, but I've lost even that hope. I think there's something in me that's not entirely dead, because I still enjoy hearing the Gospel music and hymns that I always loved so much. Sometimes, when I listen to them, it feels like something is trying to stir in me, but whatever it is, it's definitely on life support. My problem isn't an easy one because I know the Bible very well. Most people that I know that try to pull me back to God start off by saying something along the lines of "you know the Bible better than I do." I've read it from cover to cover quite a few times, and I've memorized large portions of it. I never would have thought that could be a problem, but it is since it's impossible for anyone to give me scripture that I'm not familiar with. I guess I'm hoping that someone here can give me a new perspective on what I already know that can snap me out of this.

          To anyone who read this and is willing to try to help, thank you. It's more than most people I know have proven willing to do. Again, I'm not going into any personal details at all, but I'll share more of my questions and doubts as the discussion progresses if that's necessary.
          The world is under God's wrath. Pain and suffering are part of that. But he has good news for any who can believe in Christ, that they are not under wrath. But can follow the gospel into a new and everlasting life. Believers repent from their sins, and strive to use love instead of hate as their motive in all they think, say, and do. If you really believe, you can dig yourself out in this manner.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
            Where I was is far clearer than where I am. I put my trust in Him as a young child, and, as I said, until a couple of years ago, I had no doubts. I spent many years in various forms of ministry, and I certainly wouldn't have done as much as I did for as long as I did if there hadn't been a strong relationship. Now, I don't know what I think. As I said, I gave up on praying when, time after time that I asked for help, things got worse. So, I guess there's an estrangement there. My belief was always that Jesus is God in the flesh, and therefore, if I knew what I truly believed about God, I'd have a much easier time telling what I believe about Jesus. I want to believe it. I want to feel that He loves me. Right now. I just can't.

            I don't know if that really answers your question (probably not), and I'm not trying to be evasive, but everything is so turned around for me right now that I don't know which way is up and I can't do any better than that.
            ProfessorWhat, welcome to the board. In reading your original post (op) and this response to a post, I would like to assure you that we've all gone through trials that result in doubt and even (at the worse), anger toward or about God.

            Since this response focused on unanswered prayer, I'd like to point something out. I'll quote a portion from your OP.

            I know the Bible very well. Most people that I know that try to pull me back to God start off by saying something along the lines of "you know the Bible better than I do." I've read it from cover to cover quite a few times, and I've memorized large portions of it. I never would have thought that could be a problem, but it is since it's impossible for anyone to give me scripture that I'm not familiar with. I guess I'm hoping that someone here can give me a new perspective on what I already know that can snap me out of this.








            I'll illuminate that there is no testimony of application of scripture in your posts (so far). Believe me when I say, I also know the Bible, while I do not memorize much, a person can raise a verse and I can usually say the Book and even chapter where the verse is from. People can raise topics and I know where helpful scriptures are located and thus, open a Bible and read the verse in a moment.

            Anyway, application of scripture. I and MANY whom I have spoken with concerning the same as you are saying, I/they have prayed and prayed and... nothing. Just as you describe.

            I personally and "some" that I've spoken with found that God was not "answering" the prayers because of this reason... He's ALREADY answered the prayer(s). I say "some" because while counseling is provided to many, many choose to continue on in their misery, I pray for them. I say "choose" because their actions (not the results), reveal their choice and the results, while not surprising are confirmation OF their choice.

            Know that the failure isn't on God's part, He IS listening, however, the answer is right there in the Bible... but we "fail" to apply His Word. He wants to "change" us and by the power of the Holy Spirit, the "knowledge" in the Bible WILL change us when we allow the Holy Spirit to reNEW our minds. By application of God's Word, is when the Holy Spirit can also begin this renewing and as this change grows greater, then the WAY we view and deal with life's problems, changes as well.

            A point will come where a great trial will come into our life and we look at it without ANY fear nor doubt and give it to God.

            Do you know anyone in your church that is dealing with problems WORSE than you ever experienced and yet, they are in church asking others if they need prayer, they are continuing in their ministry work, you see them faithful in their offering of their provision to God, they "have" a smile (that ISN'T a mask) which you know is real due to their openness (testimony), of the problem in their life... this is a person who has applied God's Word ALONG with their fervent praying. Maybe they even fast while praying (they will not testify of this usually). In ANY moment of doubt, they IMMEDIATLY send out for prayer to a prayer chain (not to say you have not done such prayer requests). The point, like the widow before the judge, consistency UNTIL an answer comes.

            They are doing this "despite" brethren failing them, as you have been failed by brethren per your OP.

            Does this mean problems go away, NO. How we USED to deal with the problems (the failing ways) DOES GO AWAY! We (you) will deal with all problems a different way because you will "view" them in a new way because your TRUST in God is 100%. Remember, God provided mankind a "good" world and man CHOSE to sin and all you mention in your OP is not because He failed. He SOLVED the problem even = Jesus. Mankind just needs to APPLY the solution that God has provided.

            This is just an analogy and when received, is helpful and if not received, is worthless. Imagine a child given a "clean" room and 100 toys. The room becomes a mess and due to always being in trouble for NOT keeping the room clean, the child blames the parents. The child's thoughts become, "How can loving parents allow this mess and punish me for this mess when all they need to do is come in here and clean the room?" So to help the child, the parents provide a solution and give the child a large garbage can, a broom, a vacuum and a wash clothe and also instruct the child in the use of the provision. The child doesn't apply the solution and their anger toward the parents grows even greater. To the point, the child doesn't even want to be their child any longer, let alone... trust the parents.

            Believe me, we say we are 100% for God and that God is 100% first in our life and when a trial comes, we can discover that we're lying to ourselves and to God. I would not be able to say this unless I am living proof of this. What does such a trial mean? God is showing us that "our" defining of a relationship is most likely NOT what He defines as a relationship and due to the trial, the shortcoming in our relationship, is revealed. Usually it is our LACK of taking responsibility.

            Your thread is a POWERFUL testimony that is blooming and WHEN it fully blooms, you will be in the relationship that God desires to have WITH you.
            --
            Slug1--out

            ~John 8:14 Jesus answered and said to them, “Even if I bear witness of Myself, My witness is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going; but you do not know where I come from and where I am going.~

            ~John 6:62 What then if you should see the Son of Man ascend where He was before?~ (Jesus is Eternal - existed before becoming a man)

            ~"In the turmoil of any chaos, all it takes is that whisper that is heard like thunder over all the noise and the chaos seems to go away, focus returns and we are comforted in knowing that God has listened to our cry for help."~

            Comment


            • #7
              If I'm being honest, to say that I've been angry with God would be an understatement. I've been absolutely furious at Him. As I said, while my own shortcomings are to blame, and while, as I said, I'm not going to go into any details, I feel that what He's done to me is absolutely overkill. I really feel like I'm understating how bad things are by not giving the details, but it's just going to have to stay there.

              As for the idea of scripture application, that's incredibly hard when you come to the point that you're not sure you can trust it at all. I openly acknowledge that I've been made a worse person through my experiences. I can't say that I'd never been angry before, but I'm practically consumed by anger at times now. I can say that I'd never felt true hatred toward anyone before this, but I certainly can't say that now. And, obviously, what has happened has driven me away from God. Because of that, the very first verse of scripture that I started to question was Romans 8:28. Now, I fully understand that verse doesn't say that all things are good, but there are people I know who are still strong Christians that agree that what I've experienced hasn't been good for me. I can't get past the idea that an omniscient God would know that what happened would drive me away, and yet, He did id anyway. To be honest, the worst part of it is that I've become convinced that He doesn't want me. It feels like this is His way of shoving me away and that He's twisting the knife as hard as He can to make the point clear. Honestly, He's left me feeling so unwanted that as I'm typing this, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm even bothering to do so.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hello, ProfessorWhat, and welcome. I'm sorry you are enduring trials and adversity, and that you are struggling with your faith. In your circumstances, it would be difficult for anyone to offer advice or insights that will bring you comfort, or alleviate your inner turmoil. As others have alluded to, times of testing and even a crisis of faith are not uncommon among God's people. Recall that the Apostles, whoknew Jesus intimately, and embraced Him profoundly and faithfully, fled in fear the night Jesus was arrested, after earlier pledging to be faithful unto death. Peter denied He even knew Jesus. Likewise, most struggled with the truth of Jesus' resurrection until He actually appeared before them. Even Jesus Himself, during His horrific travail on the cross--while never doubting His Father--sought to comprehend His perception that He had been forsaken in His time of anguish. Few saints of God have never encountered dark, dry times when God seemed unresponsive..

                I believe the story of Job is included in the Bible to teach us the important truth that God sometimes allows His people to endure trials and hardship, even as He seems distant in the midst of our suffering. The lesson we learn from Job is that unrelenting faith, regardless of our circumstances, will ultimately be rewarded when God fulfills His eternal plan for our lives. How easy it would be to trust a God that quickly comforted us whenever we were hurting, reassured us every time we had doubts, and definitively answered all our prayers. But true faith is unwavering, unconditional trust in God's love, goodness, and eternal plan for us. It is trusting and praising Him when we're suffering terribly, when prayers for guidance, a desperate personal need, or the healing of a dying loved one, go unanswered. Many question what kind of God allows His faithful to be mercilessly persecuted, murdered, or languish in a horrible prison, and why an innocent child is allowed to be victimized, killed, or die of terminal illness? The question that should be asked is, why God would take the form of a man so He could suffer an agonizing death--in order to save wretched human beings who don't deserve His mercy.

                This mortal life is brief and our earthly trials of little significance against the backdrop of eternity. Indeed, beyond preparing us for that afterlife, it is more shadow rather than substance. What is important is eternity, and whether we spend it in God's presence or are consumed by everlasting destruction. Of what consequence then, are the unpleasant experiences of this mortal existence, which will vanish like a forgotten mist? Yes, we may suffer temporarily, and may feel God is unsympathetic when He does not minister to our needs. But we need to have the right perspective, and look at the big picture.

                Think of the most frightening storm you ever lived through. The sky was a mass of black clouds, lightening flashed, and thunder boomed. But no matter how intense and scary, eventually the storm passed, the sky cleared, and the golden rays of the sun beamed down on us. Consider that the sun had never ceased shining. It was shining in all its glory the whole time the storm raged. We just could not see it. In the same way, we sometimes endure terrible spiritual and emotional storms. The darkness closes in, and we are subjected to fear, pain, misery and adversity. But as in the case of the physical storm, our spiritual storm will eventually pass. Then we will feel the comfort of God's presence--unseen during the turbulent period, although there with us throughout the storm, At the end of the dark period, no matter how severe, or long it lasts, the glorious radiance of God's Spirit will shine His love and comfort in our heart. He is there even when we can't feel Him or hear from Him. Hold fast and trust Him.





                When we stand before the Judgment Seat, we will have retained only two things from our earthly life: what God gave us, and what we did with what He gave us.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
                  If I'm being honest, to say that I've been angry with God would be an understatement. I've been absolutely furious at Him. As I said, while my own shortcomings are to blame, and while, as I said, I'm not going to go into any details, I feel that what He's done to me is absolutely overkill. I really feel like I'm understating how bad things are by not giving the details, but it's just going to have to stay there.

                  As for the idea of scripture application, that's incredibly hard when you come to the point that you're not sure you can trust it at all. I openly acknowledge that I've been made a worse person through my experiences. I can't say that I'd never been angry before, but I'm practically consumed by anger at times now. I can say that I'd never felt true hatred toward anyone before this, but I certainly can't say that now. And, obviously, what has happened has driven me away from God. Because of that, the very first verse of scripture that I started to question was Romans 8:28. Now, I fully understand that verse doesn't say that all things are good, but there are people I know who are still strong Christians that agree that what I've experienced hasn't been good for me. I can't get past the idea that an omniscient God would know that what happened would drive me away, and yet, He did id anyway. To be honest, the worst part of it is that I've become convinced that He doesn't want me. It feels like this is His way of shoving me away and that He's twisting the knife as hard as He can to make the point clear. Honestly, He's left me feeling so unwanted that as I'm typing this, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm even bothering to do so.
                  Hi ProfessorWhat welcome to the forum

                  I have read all the posts and there is a lot good in everything posted. I am a scripture person so that is what you will get from me. I believe the Lord prays for you too just as He did here.

                  Luke 22:31-32 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

                  Regarding hatred...even the Lord hated things, notice not the person but the deeds, only the Lord can help you to forgive people.

                  Revelation 2:6 But this thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.


                  Sojourner bring up Job was a confirmation for what also came to me for you ponder this the key:

                  Job 42:10 And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.

                  Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

                  I take scripture to the Lord when I need help..I don't plead I do as He said and ask. If you feel you have lost faith ask as in scripture this person did I believe Jesus helped his unbelief

                  Mark 9:24 And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

                  Then wait on the Lord. Sometimes that is the hardest part. I will pray for you and that your faith fail you not.



                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
                    I can't get past the idea that an omniscient God would know that what happened would drive me away, and yet, He did id anyway. To be honest, the worst part of it is that I've become convinced that He doesn't want me. It feels like this is His way of shoving me away and that He's twisting the knife as hard as He can to make the point clear. Honestly, He's left me feeling so unwanted that as I'm typing this, I'm really starting to wonder why I'm even bothering to do so.
                    ProfessorWhat, welcome to Bibleforums. I truly hope you can find a thread to pull on by having taken the initiative to post here.

                    Regarding the above quote portion of your post, are you familiar with the psychological term "Projection"? That is what I suggest is happening with the above. You are driving God away, for whatever reason you don't want to be accountable to Him. Thus this is your way of shoving HIM away in a manner that leaves you the more blameless.

                    Consider the title of your thread: "Desperately want to be drawn back". Again, you have displaced the needed action upon God and not yourself. You say that you are willing, even desperate and God is not. That is exactly backwards.

                    I think you are going to have to start with the following:

                    Originally posted by ProfessorWhat
                    While I'm not going to answer any questions about the details, I admit from the outset that my problems originated from my own mistakes. When the trouble started, I looked at it as God sending me a message about things that I needed to get right, and I began trying to deal with Him on that basis.
                    ...
                    If I'm being honest, to say that I've been angry with God would be an understatement. I've been absolutely furious at Him. As I said, while my own shortcomings are to blame, and while, as I said, I'm not going to go into any details, I feel that what He's done to me is absolutely overkill.
                    Applying projection again, you are really angry at yourself. You apparently accept responsibility but do not seem to demonstrate the ability to begin working on this. Some things can't be fixed. I am going on to say though that all things can be forgiven you. Receiving forgiveness and demonstrating repentance are between you and God. Something is falling short and it doesn't take a theologian to figure out that the problem is on your end.

                    So don't push away your forgiveness, your salvation, your redemption, and the building of the person God desires to see. Start somewhere and gain the victory and then move on to the next. That may not mean you will achieve reconciliation with others or restoration to your previous relationships. Some will be irreparable, but holding that before God as the "gold standard" of working out things on your behalf would not be a very realistic approach to this.

                    I hope this helps in some way.

                    Blessings,
                    Watchinginawe

                    I Samuel 3:10 And the LORD came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      It's absolutely true that I'm angry with myself. I utterly hate myself. When push comes to shove, that's why a big part of me feels that it's pointless to even try. Even if God was loving, why would he want me? He wouldn't. I don't. I never liked myself even before I became a screw up. Now... well...

                      I tried everything I could to draw closer to God when my problems started. What ended it was when I was totally crushed. I don't have the strength to try to draw up to Him anymore. It's reached a point that if there's going to be any reconciliation, He's going to have to do it. I'm too broken. It's true that some things can't be fixed, and I'm not being dramatic in saying that my life is one of them. There are times that I beg God to just take me out. I'm so low that that's the only possible mercy I can see remaining. If not for the fact that I'd only hurt the few people who still care about me more than I already have, I would have already taken care of that myself.

                      I apologize if I'm coming across as argumentative in this thread. I'm not trying to be. I think I'm just so far gone that any sliver of hope seems impossible. As much as I've always struggled emotionally, I never would have thought it possible to sink this low, and yet, here I am.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
                        I think I'm just so far gone that any sliver of hope seems impossible. As much as I've always struggled emotionally, I never would have thought it possible to sink this low, and yet, here I am.
                        But here you are posting and laying transparent your heart. You are talking to God even more than us. This will bear fruit.

                        Originally posted by ProfessorWhat
                        It's reached a point that if there's going to be any reconciliation, He's going to have to do it. I'm too broken.
                        That is the whole point of Christianity. If we could save ourselves we would. If walking across a bed of hot coals or on shards of glass would result in us fixing things up with God then many of us would be doing the dance. But it doesn't suffice and would never suffice. So what in the world is God's plan if we can't reconcile ourselves to Him? It isn't that God is going to have to do anything more, God has already done it, because we are too broken to do it ourselves.

                        There are differing theologies but for me, I believe our part is to receive what He has already done and provided through Jesus Christ. Jesus doesn't have to die again and again for each one of us. God reconciled us "One and done" once for all. God has already provided the reconciliation and that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ plain and simple. But for us sometimes it would just be easier to do the hot coal dance than to receive His forgiveness. We put things up in the way like we aren't deserving or won't be faithful, etc. When we can strip away all of that and just receive what He has already done then hope is found. This point of receiving is often a deeply personal epiphany where God's Holy Spirit binds your broken heart and spirit and something begins to exist that is brand new and doesn't require anyone's approval or acknowledgment to have existence within you. No priest has to sprinkle water or dust ashes on you or say a prayer or confer anything upon you. It is 100% between you and God and this "birth" of what begins to exist is sustained by nurturing your faith.

                        Maybe you have been there before and if so you know the reality of all of this and you will need to find your way back to a pure and innocent beginning again. Start with the Gospel and realize that God has already done all that is necessary.





                        Watchinginawe

                        I Samuel 3:10 And the LORD came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
                          It's absolutely true that I'm angry with myself. I utterly hate myself. When push comes to shove, that's why a big part of me feels that it's pointless to even try. Even if God was loving, why would he want me? He wouldn't. I don't. I never liked myself even before I became a screw up. Now... well...

                          I tried everything I could to draw closer to God when my problems started. What ended it was when I was totally crushed. I don't have the strength to try to draw up to Him anymore. It's reached a point that if there's going to be any reconciliation, He's going to have to do it. I'm too broken. It's true that some things can't be fixed, and I'm not being dramatic in saying that my life is one of them. There are times that I beg God to just take me out. I'm so low that that's the only possible mercy I can see remaining. If not for the fact that I'd only hurt the few people who still care about me more than I already have, I would have already taken care of that myself.

                          I apologize if I'm coming across as argumentative in this thread. I'm not trying to be. I think I'm just so far gone that any sliver of hope seems impossible. As much as I've always struggled emotionally, I never would have thought it possible to sink this low, and yet, here I am.
                          All good answers here. If I may, I would just add two essential ingredients: gratitude, and outreach. Before I talk about these, may I remind you of Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them." Today, we are witnessing a spirit of darkness coming over our world, an antihuman spirit that hates human beings and hates life. As we see in the scripture passage above, God made man in his own image. He didn't make junk; he didn't make creatures unworthy of his love or his grace. He is a God of love and he cares for each and every one of us, including you. This spirit of darkness is attempting to promote the idea that human beings are worthless, good-for-nothing, irredeemable, reprobates hoping that we would give up on life. But that is not true and God proved it on the cross. God so loved the world (you and me) that he gave is only begotten son. The depth of this love is almost incomprehensible, willing to die in order to save us, even those who are "broken."

                          If I may, I believe the fact that you came here to reach out proves that the spirit of God is working in you and that he is with you right now, and cares about you personally. Perhaps you are not as far gone as the accuser would lead you to believe. If you want out of the darkness, follow the sound of our voices. Come into the light where you can see the wonderful creature God has made.

                          (You can probably tell that I am no good at this. I just want so much to help.)

                          Two things:

                          Gratitude:
                          Many of us have been tempted by the evil one to hate ourselves. Speaking from experience let me share with you two things that helped me. Begin looking for opportunities to thank God for things. Start out small. Thank him for your life; thank him for the sunshine; thank him for your food. All you need to do is say a simple prayer each time you encounter something for which to be thankful and silently speak the short prayer, "thank you God." Develop an attitude of gratitude.

                          Outreach:
                          Turn your gaze outward. Seek for ways to help others in whatever small way you can. Help your neighbor take out the garbage; help a friend move; donate your talent; find ways to help strangers; don't hesitate when opportunities to be kind and generous arise.

                          Finally, during this time of darkness, meet in secret with your friends, take off your masks. Pray together, joke around, laugh together, enjoy each other's company. Don't allow the evil one to rob you of your humanity. Resist evil, cling to life.

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                          • #14
                            I haven't checked in for a couple of days, largely because the feeling that it's all pointless has been getting the better of me. But tomorrow has the potential to be a really bad day, and I guess that, despite my cynicism over prayer, I still want someone to pray for me.

                            It's a really strange feeling to doubt something so strongly and still see it as an "only hope."

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by ProfessorWhat View Post
                              I haven't checked in for a couple of days, largely because the feeling that it's all pointless has been getting the better of me. But tomorrow has the potential to be a really bad day, and I guess that, despite my cynicism over prayer, I still want someone to pray for me.

                              It's a really strange feeling to doubt something so strongly and still see it as an "only hope."
                              Will be lifting you up tonight during the "before" bed praying :-)
                              --
                              Slug1--out

                              ~John 8:14 Jesus answered and said to them, “Even if I bear witness of Myself, My witness is true, for I know where I came from and where I am going; but you do not know where I come from and where I am going.~

                              ~John 6:62 What then if you should see the Son of Man ascend where He was before?~ (Jesus is Eternal - existed before becoming a man)

                              ~"In the turmoil of any chaos, all it takes is that whisper that is heard like thunder over all the noise and the chaos seems to go away, focus returns and we are comforted in knowing that God has listened to our cry for help."~

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