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Thread: I need some advice on an estranged son

  1. #1

    I need some advice on an estranged son

    OK, my story is too long to tell. Some of you already know it. Basically, my oldest son hasn't spoken to me in 8 years because his father (my ex-husband) told him lots of lies about me and he believed those lies. Here is where I need advice - During those 8 years, I have tried contacting him through phone, email, regular mail, on Facebook .... you name it and I have tried it. He never picks up the phone. Never calls back. Never responds to emails and has blocked me on Facebook. I have also sent money and gifts for him every time he had a birthday and at Christmas. I have never gotten one response back from him. No thanks. Nothing. He never calls me or even acknowledges me on my birthday, Christmas, or Mother's Day. It is as if he has written me off and pretends I don't even exist. So, here is my question....His birthday is coming up on Thursday (March 15th). Do I send him more money? Part of me wants to because I love him. The other half of me is tired of being taken advantage of and being only a "money source" for him and nothing else. What would you all honestly do? I am so torn and I need some good advice on this.

  2. #2
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    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Do what your heart feels. You never know when he may respond. If you don't want to send money anymore, at least send a card. I know this must be horrible for you.
    ".....it's your nickel"

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    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    How old is he? That's the first question. Typically children are easily manipulated by one parent or the other in divorce situations. It's easier to believe the lies of the custodial parent than to investigate and find out the custodial parent...with whom the child resides or did reside....is lying. That kind of confrontation must be a terribly frightening and overwhelming prospect for the child. I highly recommend to continue to love gently from a distance...allowing more distance to be there...like only birthday and Christmas cards with a regular reminder that you're there and you're willing to answer any questions whenever he is ready.
    Then just pray daily and fast often that the lies and liar be revealed, and the lie be removed and destroyed and replaced with truth and healing. And pray for courage to act on that truth and unity and anything else you feel lead to pray for for him and the dad...like repentance and humility. Don't give up!!
    Don't seek too much knowledge. You just may be putting more weight on your shoulders than you're able to bare. Let God be the one to decide how quickly you grow.

  4. #4

    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Quote Originally Posted by Saved7 View Post
    How old is he? That's the first question. Typically children are easily manipulated by one parent or the other in divorce situations. It's easier to believe the lies of the custodial parent than to investigate and find out the custodial parent...with whom the child resides or did reside....is lying. That kind of confrontation must be a terribly frightening and overwhelming prospect for the child. I highly recommend to continue to love gently from a distance...allowing more distance to be there...like only birthday and Christmas cards with a regular reminder that you're there and you're willing to answer any questions whenever he is ready.
    Then just pray daily and fast often that the lies and liar be revealed, and the lie be removed and destroyed and replaced with truth and healing. And pray for courage to act on that truth and unity and anything else you feel lead to pray for for him and the dad...like repentance and humility. Don't give up!!
    My son will be 24 this week. He refuses to listen to the truth. I divorced his father back when my son was 7 years old. Ever since then, he started filling my son's head with lies about me. I used to have full custody of him until he was 16. The family court judge retired and the new one that took over was a cousin of my ex-husband. So, you know what happened...my ex saw the opportunity to jump on that and get the custody changed so that he could get child support from me. It wasn't that he wanted my son there all the time. He just wanted the money. He was in a financial bind at the time and was about to lose his house. So, when his cousin took over as judge, that was his chance. So, he got full custody and my son hasn't spoken to me or been around me since. I tried to fight for the visitations to at least continue with me. The new judge (who was related to my ex) said that my son was old enough to decide if he wanted visitation with me or not. My son chose not to visit with me any more. It's terrible how there are cracks and crooks in the system. I was a good mother to him. I didn't deserve to lose custody. I have prayed for years for God to open my son's eyes and show him the truth. I think that deep down, he must know. He just doesn't want to believe that the divorce is his father's fault (my ex cheated on me).

  5. #5

    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Is there not another family member who could vouch for you ? Some one who he talks to ? Maybe you can speak to a person who your son talks to or hangs with and tell them

    the truth ! A relative or friend...... does he go to church ? The preacher could help !
    Eph. 2:8
    For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
    9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

  6. #6

    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Quote Originally Posted by grams View Post
    Is there not another family member who could vouch for you ? Some one who he talks to ? Maybe you can speak to a person who your son talks to or hangs with and tell them

    the truth ! A relative or friend...... does he go to church ? The preacher could help !
    He used to call my Mom and talk to her a lot. Now, he has just disconnected from our whole family. No one on my side of the family talks to him any more. As for talking to a preacher, that is part of the problem - his father (my ex) was a "preacher" when he was cheating on me. In fact, my ex was a PASTOR of a church when he was found with a woman at work. That is why my son halfway believes it must be "OK' to cheat while being a Christian...because his Dad did it.

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    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Hi, i think you should send a card to let him know you remember him. That way you can stand before God and be the loving one. It's not that uncommon for men to distance themselves from their families at that age. Anyway I'm praying for you, and proud of you for doing everything you can.

  8. #8
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    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Sadly my brother has done the very same thing to my mother as your son is doing to you. It breaks my greatly to see what it does to my mother and I can imagine what it is doing to you. I’ll pray that you can find some comfort in this situation. But here’s the deal, relationships don’t work one way. You need to let him go be the prodigal son and if or when he decides to come back to you then welcome him with open arms. In the mean time you pray for him and forgive him and his father for the way things have come about to this point.

    Send a card letting him know you are praying for him and welcome him back in your life when he decides he wants a relationship. Don’t send money, it will only send the wrong message. You are not trying to buy a relationship, you are waiting with open arms if he chooses to come back into your life and be a part of your family.
    I am a Christian man in the Devil's land, spreading the gospel man to man.
    Have you laid your burdens down?


  9. #9

    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Yes send a card....... And try again to talk to some relative that could help you ....... or even your EX........

    Why should the son miss his mother because of his Dad ???? that is not good.....
    Eph. 2:8
    For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
    9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

  10. #10
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    Re: I need some advice on an estranged son

    Quote Originally Posted by mom_of_four View Post
    OK, my story is too long to tell. Some of you already know it. Basically, my oldest son hasn't spoken to me in 8 years because his father (my ex-husband) told him lots of lies about me and he believed those lies. Here is where I need advice - During those 8 years, I have tried contacting him through phone, email, regular mail, on Facebook .... you name it and I have tried it. He never picks up the phone. Never calls back. Never responds to emails and has blocked me on Facebook. I have also sent money and gifts for him every time he had a birthday and at Christmas. I have never gotten one response back from him. No thanks. Nothing. He never calls me or even acknowledges me on my birthday, Christmas, or Mother's Day. It is as if he has written me off and pretends I don't even exist. So, here is my question....His birthday is coming up on Thursday (March 15th). Do I send him more money? Part of me wants to because I love him. The other half of me is tired of being taken advantage of and being only a "money source" for him and nothing else. What would you all honestly do? I am so torn and I need some good advice on this.
    It appears you have tried to contact via 'media' (mail, phone, facebook, letters, etc...) and he just ignores that.

    You can't build or mend a broken relationship by sending him stuff.

    Why not go in person, with the resolve to remain with him, and to see him daily; until he will talk with you, and consider reconciling and starting the healing process?

    Nothing is a substitute for face-to-face.

    Don't use media to 'tell him'....show him, by going to him directly; and remaining there until he will talk with you.

    Based on the info you have provided; that is what I would do.

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