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Thread: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

  1. #1

    need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    Hello all! I'm new to the board and needing some help!

    I am coming up on 16 years of marriage, and in that 16 years, my husband has come to church with me about 7 times. At first, I turned a blind eye to this, as I figured that I could pray for his desire, that he is simply uncomfortable in large crowds, and that if I just came home with positive messages about how uplifting service was, he'd slowly come around.

    Over the years, and through a few moves, I've tried several different churches, trying to find warm, welcoming, smaller, loving churches that would be less intimidating for him...to no avail.

    But now that we have children, it's becoming a significant issue. I've tried to follow the suggestion of my pastor to avoid any semblance of nagging, guilt, or shame, which I wasn't doing anyway, and to focus on joy, enjoyment, blessings, family, and messages when we come home. I've sat down with the kids on several occasions and guided them to use this same approach, as they have at times grown resentful, hurt, and frustrated that he won't attend with us....which did cause them to start using guilt. And honestly, our 13 year old at least has grasped this. He takes notes during sermon, and stopped even attending youth group, so he can sit in the sermon so he can relay topics and messages from church to his dad. This has changed nothing. Our son has cried over this several times, and feels the weight of not knowing if his dad is saved.

    And now, our 6 year old daughter is beginning to refuse church, to argue and resist, because "Daddy gets to stay home, why can't I? I want to stay with Daddy."

    This bothers me greatly, and I find myself now grappling with resentment. Because what had been our one place to be free and unencumbered, now is an event of struggle and argument....with my husband manning the helm of this resistance.

    So not only am I being forced into the role of spiritual leader, the one who is supposed to fill that role is encouraging our children not to even follow the leader.

    I've tried talking with friends, my pastor, other women, and even online. But the overwhelming consensus is to just ignore this. I've been told "Maybe you're so capable, he's insecure about being a leader"...."Just be patient and pray," ..."Maybe he's uncomfortable in your church,"....basically, every answer I get is that there is no expectation of him, he's just insecure, I must be some pushy, judgmental nagging wife, and to just pray him to the altar.

    But what do you do when your husband refuses to take the wheel of the family? Do I just keep taking the kids myself and avoid their questions? How do I continue to ignore this when the kids start resisting God and the church with the justification that their dad doesn't go. At what point is he accountable to man up and be the head? Because being the head and the body is wearing me out.

  2. #2
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    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    First thing - is your husband saved? Have you ever had an in-depth conversation with him about his being saved?

    Second of all - The reason he isn't going to church because he doesn't want to go to church. Other people can soften it, but that is why he is not going. Don't let you kids make this about "daddy not going". Tell them it's about worshipping God in His house. Christianity is about the Lord. Tell them to pray for their daddy every time they think about him not coming with the family.

    Lastly, I know you are tired of being the spiritual head and the body for the family and it's especially burdensome when the children don't understand. Just keep going to church. Keep taking the kids to church. Keep praying for him.
    ".....it's your nickel"

  3. #3

    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    I see the care you have for your children in trying to see that they are raised in the faith. Your situation is not uncommon.

    If you can draw your strength from God He will indeed help you. You must turn your husband over to God. You are weary because you are carrying this yourself. You are trying, working to change things yourself. This is not working. Your dependence upon church for your husband brings doubts as to your own salvation. If you are born again then you must know that Jesus only can save a man or a woman. Not some denomination or doctrine or laboring to go to a church. You must be born again. What is your own Christian born again testimony?

    I know something about you spiritually but will not mention it. You will not see any of the change in this man until you learn to truly understand that you must lay this down and walk away from it. You will have no peace at all until you do.

    In the meantime continue to teach your children from the Bible. Continue your prayers and ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit.

    It sounds that your 13 year old has a tender and caring heart towards God. Your husband is not a Christian. That's plain to see. You must pray for him to be saved not for him to go to some church. You cannot put the cart before the horse.

    Are your children believers? When did you have a born again experience with Jesus? Make certain of your own heart and leave your man at the altar. REALLY leave him there. It sounds as if you have stopped trying to use your speech to move him. That's good but the "push" to get him to do what you believe best is very strong. FIRST intercede for his salvation. Until he is a born again Christian he will have ZERO desire towards God. When he gets saved you will not be a keep him from church. You MUST be born again. Going to a church makes you a Christian when going into a barn makes you a horse!

    We cannot carry others but we can bring them to God in prayer. Take your burden to the Lord and leave it there.

    Even if you find a church the primary responsibility for their teaching is up to you, not to others. We led each of our three children to the Lord and they never departed from the faith.

    I wish I could say more but these forums are not condusive to in depth discussions. I pray for your husband's salvation and that indeed all are saved.

    You must let God work in YOU. All of your problems will not be solved merely by having all of going to a church. I hope something I said here helps you. I pray that your family is restored to the Lord Jesus, with all born again and then afterwards filled with the Holy Spirit of God.

    Romans 15:13

  4. #4

    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    Quote Originally Posted by FrankJay View Post
    I wish I could say more but these forums are not condusive to in depth discussions.
    What the heck does that even mean?
    9 Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10 So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith. - Galatians 6:9-10 NASB

  5. #5

    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    Many are married to an unbelieving spouse. Marriage does not guarantee Christianity. Note in the following passage that "And a person's enemies will be those of his own househo
    Holy Bible - Matthew 10: 34:39 (ESV)
    34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

    1 John tells of testing the spirits to see if they are of God or a spirit of antichist.

  6. #6
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    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    She's asking for advice, not the quoting of scripture that has nothing to do with her question.
    This IGNORE button is by far one of the most useful tools I've used to keep my peace while navigating through some of the madness.

  7. #7

    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    May be this church can give you some Help ??????

    Your choice

    http://understandgrace.com/
    Eph. 2:8
    For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
    9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

  8. #8
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    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    Quote Originally Posted by SeekingSister View Post
    Hello all! I'm new to the board and needing some help!

    I am coming up on 16 years of marriage, and in that 16 years, my husband has come to church with me about 7 times. At first, I turned a blind eye to this, as I figured that I could pray for his desire, that he is simply uncomfortable in large crowds, and that if I just came home with positive messages about how uplifting service was, he'd slowly come around.

    Over the years, and through a few moves, I've tried several different churches, trying to find warm, welcoming, smaller, loving churches that would be less intimidating for him...to no avail.

    But now that we have children, it's becoming a significant issue. I've tried to follow the suggestion of my pastor to avoid any semblance of nagging, guilt, or shame, which I wasn't doing anyway, and to focus on joy, enjoyment, blessings, family, and messages when we come home. I've sat down with the kids on several occasions and guided them to use this same approach, as they have at times grown resentful, hurt, and frustrated that he won't attend with us....which did cause them to start using guilt. And honestly, our 13 year old at least has grasped this. He takes notes during sermon, and stopped even attending youth group, so he can sit in the sermon so he can relay topics and messages from church to his dad. This has changed nothing. Our son has cried over this several times, and feels the weight of not knowing if his dad is saved.

    And now, our 6 year old daughter is beginning to refuse church, to argue and resist, because "Daddy gets to stay home, why can't I? I want to stay with Daddy."

    This bothers me greatly, and I find myself now grappling with resentment. Because what had been our one place to be free and unencumbered, now is an event of struggle and argument....with my husband manning the helm of this resistance.

    So not only am I being forced into the role of spiritual leader, the one who is supposed to fill that role is encouraging our children not to even follow the leader.

    I've tried talking with friends, my pastor, other women, and even online. But the overwhelming consensus is to just ignore this. I've been told "Maybe you're so capable, he's insecure about being a leader"...."Just be patient and pray," ..."Maybe he's uncomfortable in your church,"....basically, every answer I get is that there is no expectation of him, he's just insecure, I must be some pushy, judgmental nagging wife, and to just pray him to the altar.

    But what do you do when your husband refuses to take the wheel of the family? Do I just keep taking the kids myself and avoid their questions? How do I continue to ignore this when the kids start resisting God and the church with the justification that their dad doesn't go. At what point is he accountable to man up and be the head? Because being the head and the body is wearing me out.
    As Jayne was eluding to, it would seem your husband is yet to be saved. He cannot lead what he doesn't understand. He needs to hear and respond to the Gospel first before any sort of Godly leadership can come from him.

  9. #9
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    Re: need advice on Husband's resistance to church

    I would add that your testimony throughout what your going through may well be what draws him to the Lord. Do not let a root of bitterness spring up in your heart concerning him. Don't become resentful. Your actions are so important.

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