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Thread: is marriage counseling worth it?

  1. #1

    is marriage counseling worth it?

    I've been married for 18 years now. for that entire time we've dealt with the same issues. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if he feels the same way. he doesn't even really realize our marriage is dying. we've tried counseling with our pastor before but he felt forced to go so the only changes he made were token changes and didn't last. I'm wondering if counseling with a professional will be any different. in truth, the core issues are his and he has to be ready to deal with them but I'm reaching a point where I'm tired of waiting for him to be ready. I won't go into detail because I'm new here and he may or may not have an account on this board but suffice it to say, I would have a biblical basis for divorce. I'm just wondering if dragging him to counseling one last time would actually make a difference if he knows this time if things don't change he'll lose me. I still love him as much as I ever did but a person can only take so much.

  2. #2
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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    You are the only person who can answer that question honestly.

    If you love him like you say you love him, it's worth a chance with a professional.
    ".....it's your nickel"

  3. #3
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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by created4apurpose View Post
    I've been married for 18 years now. for that entire time we've dealt with the same issues. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if he feels the same way. he doesn't even really realize our marriage is dying. we've tried counseling with our pastor before but he felt forced to go so the only changes he made were token changes and didn't last. I'm wondering if counseling with a professional will be any different. in truth, the core issues are his and he has to be ready to deal with them but I'm reaching a point where I'm tired of waiting for him to be ready. I won't go into detail because I'm new here and he may or may not have an account on this board but suffice it to say, I would have a biblical basis for divorce. I'm just wondering if dragging him to counseling one last time would actually make a difference if he knows this time if things don't change he'll lose me. I still love him as much as I ever did but a person can only take so much.
    If your husband is not willing to go to counseling, would you consider going for yourself?
    I understand that you believe it is his issues that need to change, and that perhaps these are fairly serious issues, enough to say you can only take so much.
    A counselor can be very helpful support and give you insight into your life-- shift the focus a bit, since it seems you have had some painful stuff happen.
    Rabbi is right-- I will use my own words.
    I cannot change anyone but myself (I also have to allow God to get in there because I am weak when it comes to changing)
    Peace to you!

    It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

    1 Corinthians 1:30


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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    SS is right. It's worth it for you. While he is living with you in your home, never give up on him or your marriage. I know you didn't mean "drag" as in force or manipulate him into it, but at least go yourself. Who knows where the dust may settle. Wherever it does, you need to be strong and the best person you can.
    ".....it's your nickel"

  5. #5

    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    I wouldn't force him to go no. I'd ask if he was willing but then end up wondering if he said yes because he thought he had to. he's like that sometimes. someone will ask him to do something and he'll say yes as if he's completely willing when in reality he felt pushed into it even if that's not the case. I was kind of considering starting off by myself. if we go together the first time he might feel ganged up on as I try to explain why I feel we need to be there. it's a matter of finding a christian counselor, hopefully covered by our insurance. our pastor doesn't do counseling which makes it harder to know who to talk to.

  6. #6

    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    it means he either doesn't realize we have a total lack of communication or he's so wrapped up in his own issues that it's going ignored. he doesn't realize how neglected I am and if I were to bring it up he would just withdraw more. or worse he would start talking suicidal (as in saying things like "you would be better off if I jumped in front of a bus"). he spends so much of his time either talking to friends on facebook or playing games on the computer. if he joins me on the couch he falls asleep. I've suggested playing games or going for walks and he shuts me down. he's not big on board games so I bought card games and a book of games that can be played with a regular deck. I even marked the games I thought I'd be able to learn with my brain fog (I have fibromyalgia). it's gone untouched since. I can't talk to him about anything because he'll either lose his temper (no matter how I say it), completely shut down or talk suicidal. so emotionally I pretty much have been abandoned. there is also infidelity just not physical (adultery of the heart as defined by Jesus Himself). I want to salvage it, I've been trying for 18 years to salvage it. the only thing that has improved is that his temper isn't quite as bad as it used to be (he NEVER hit me or I'd have been gone long ago). he sweeps problems under the rug, sticks his head in the sand, whatever analogy you want to use.

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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    I would ask my primary doctor for a referral to a competent profession counselor. Go with or without your husband. Either way, it will do you some good even if no one else.
    ".....it's your nickel"

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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    This forum, women at the well, is for females only.

    I take responsibility for the several men posting here. I posted first myself, but was mistakenly thinking this was the counseling forum. I can only assume that they, too, mistook where they were.
    ".....it's your nickel"

  9. #9

    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    I probably will go see someone on my own, however I won't be asking my doctor. I refuse to see on who isn't a christian. I want biblical advice, not worldly

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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    I see the men's posts were deleted and I put my paw in my mouth again which is one reason why my paw hurts..or my mouth does.

    God's wisdom is universal and available-- that doesn't mean every counselor who trusts Him will have a Christian Counselling ONLY banner.
    I wouldn't if I were a counselor because I would believe gifts are to used for whoever God puts in my path. But I will pray for God's direction to find the counselor for you.
    Peace to you!

    It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

    1 Corinthians 1:30


  11. #11
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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by created4apurpose View Post
    I probably will go see someone on my own, however I won't be asking my doctor. I refuse to see on who isn't a christian. I want biblical advice, not worldly
    My doctor sent me TO a Christian counselor. I don't think that was her aim, but it worked out all for the good. And not knowing that he was a Christian man, I started by telling him that I was a Christian and would like to address my depression/anxiety from that vantage point. He then told me that he was a Christian and he used scripture every time I met with him. He also prescribed meds and used a lot of ideas with me that did not offend my Christian beliefs.

    My error - I just quit going.
    ".....it's your nickel"

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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by jayne View Post
    My doctor sent me TO a Christian counselor. I don't think that was her aim, but it worked out all for the good. And not knowing that he was a Christian man, I started by telling him that I was a Christian and would like to address my depression/anxiety from that vantage point. He then told me that he was a Christian and he used scripture every time I met with him. He also prescribed meds and used a lot of ideas with me that did not offend my Christian beliefs.

    My error - I just quit going.
    This was exactly my experience also. I can't speak on marriage counseling specifically, but I appreciated the time I had in one-on-one therapy. Eventually I didn't need it any more. In the midst of the trial though it's always helpful to have a neutral voice who can maybe see issues that we miss in the fog of stress. So I don't think professional advice could hurt even if you have to go alone.
    여러분은 주님 안에서 항상 기뻐하십시오. 내가 다시 말합니다. 기뻐하십시오.
    모든 사람을 너그럽게 대하십시오. 주님께서 오실 날이 가까웠습니다. Philippians 4


  13. #13

    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    Generally, marriage counseling is most effective when both spouses participate and are willing to work on the relationships. When a spouse cannot or is not willing to attend counseling, however, individual therapy can still be helpful.

  14. #14
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    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by zane10 View Post
    Generally, marriage counseling is most effective when both spouses participate and are willing to work on the relationships. When a spouse cannot or is not willing to attend counseling, however, individual therapy can still be helpful.
    Zane10, are you a man or woman? Your name sounds like a man's name. Woman at the Well forum is for females only. The men's only forum is Solomon's Porch. Also, posting links for medical services is not allowed.
    ".....it's your nickel"

  15. #15

    Re: is marriage counseling worth it?

    For as long as you guys will participate then it will be worth it. Undergoing marriage counseling help in tightening the relationship of the couple and sorting their differences if they are experiencing a trial in their relationship.

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