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Thread: How i regained mt faith after years with OCD

  1. #1

    How i regained mt faith after years with OCD

    Friends, hi from me, my story is bit longer, i hope you have the time to read it, for i really need some advice here. Since i can't get an answer directly from God (although i had dream), i need as much as help from other Christians as i can get for my situation. So lets start.

    I am 27 years old male. I am from Europe raised and baptised in Eastern Orthodox Church.

    I have to admit, although i always felt my connection with God, i never read the Bible, i was never interested in how things were, i was so unaware of Christianity that i didn't really realized why Christ died on the Cross. That is how i spent 27 years of my life. I was taking God's love for granted.

    Now though my life i was trying to have a good life and i was wrongly thinking thats enough to be a good Christian. I never bullied/done something wrong to other kids, sometimes i lied and had arguments that i heat up but never anything you can consider sirious. I've always helped homless people/animals and still do. I don't want to praise myself, just want you to understand that in my heart i would never hurt someone and will help someone in need everytime i am able to.

    The thing is i suffer from what i just recently was diagnoes as OCD- obsessive compulsive disorder. It started when i was like 9 and is present ever still. God helped me clean it up and i will now explain how. So though my enitre life almost, i've been terorized by horrible intrusive thoughts. It was never religious thoughts, rather thoughts that someone is trying to hurt me or family (intrusive thoughts), and i was doing compulsions (changing locks, changing emails, changing passwords, doing all kinds of security issues), in order to be safe from "evil" people.

    Last couple of years OCD became very serious. I change the lock today, and tommor i no longer believe i've changed it yesterday, even though i was certain i did. The pressure was so high that i was unable to sleep until i go and pay for new lock only to change it couple days later again. The same with emails and passowds, sometimes certain sites was blocking me for too many password changing attempts. Belive me or not, i've spent so much money doing those compulsion that i could have bought a nice new car by now. I was super paranoid for every decision i have to make, even chosing an username for my account was cosing me half an hour of debates whatever certain username or password was good enough. The worse was, i was realising how ridicilous was that and still was unable to stop my mind from doing compulsions. I should have gone to therapist back then, but i was way to cought up of work and was afraid if they say i have schizophrenia or something, not to mention i have family members with mental issues- also OCD. that i was unaware back then. So here comes the religious part.

    For many, many years, i've been making promises/deals with God, in order to help OCD get in control. In reality, i was never really making them to God, rather i was using this as a tool for me to motivate me to stop doing something or to chose something when i cant. For example, after making 10 emails for the day, i finaly say, i promise to God one last email and thats it. I again, was never making those promises with free will and pure heart to God, just my way to motivate myself to stop doing OCD related compulsions. However, i was not aware of what Bible says about promises and i was believing that, if the circumstances change, like if i have suspicion that my account was hacked, i can reverse the promise. That was my "own way" of doing those promises and since doing it for years, i belived God understands and wont be mad at me. I never new how important they were in the Bible and that they were a sin, i though making promise to God is the same as making promise to parent (father, mother), yes its bad if you break it but they wont hold it to you, especially if you are mentaly cracked like me.

    So i was always finding a way to find holes and to reverse the promises or to change them with other promises. Eventually, i started to made those deals, which i am sure i have no right to do at all- for example- if i delete my email one more time, it will be as if i have insulted God"- what i mean is, not that if i break the promise i will insult God, but that i will feel guilty as if i did, i dont know if you understand what i mean here, in other words i would never really insult God, but i am using the guilt for a motivation not to break certain promise. Its horrible i know, So i've been doing this deals on my own terms, and again always finding a way to reverse or "change them". One thing though, i never asked someting from God like- if you do this, i will do this or so", they were always if i do that, it will be "AS IF" i have done something wrong- again meaning not that i will do it, but to feel guilty as if i've done it. Again, at that point i was neither religious, i had lost my connection with God that i had when i was kid, i was even sometimes becoming angry to God of why i am tornmented with those horrible intrusve thoughs. I've been angry with the Lord couple of times very seriously, but i am ready to get my punishment for this and i am truly sorry and still asked Him for forgivnes.

    So this faitfull nigh came. I had to make email for my work, since it was very important. Everytime when i have to make email or something important, i start to shake because i know OCD will kick in and will make me screw things. Belive me, it was so bad i was shaking that i was unable to tap the words on my phone. You may say how can it be so serious but i was, i was if someone was holding a gun on my head. As you can image, i created the email, and out of nowhere a message appeared "Something went wrong bla bla bla". I stressed like hell, erased my iphone to factory settings and with shaking hands started to create new emails. I was having deadlines. The fear and stress i had at that moment, believe me or not, was as if i was on the middle of bank robbery. So i created the email, this time fine. Couple of minutes later, my mind started to doubt, what if the phone failed to erase all settings and somehow this was the older email with the "something went wrong" message. I was so confused my mind was playing tricks on me which username was the new and witch the old, although in a way i was certain it was the new.

    I started to have extreme panic attack, knowking that OCD wil make me delete that email as well. So in the extreme panic, i made another promise, just like the thousands other i made in the past, but i wanted to really keep it, so what popped to my mind was something like "If i create another email again, it will be "As if" i have not helped God and my mom if they have cancer" or something like that. I dont even remember what i thought in the panic, but i remember there were the words God, mom and cancer. I dont remember whatever i said if create new email or if i delete this one. I really don't remember, but i know this- i would never, ever in my life allow God or mom to suffer from anything because of my promise, if've said something, was meaning "AS IF", which means not that it will really happen, but that i will feel guilty as if i let them. At least that what my mind tells me, but i dont really remember the terms. It was so stupid and selfish to use their names, even if i never really meant it, but somehow my mind kind of said ok and as if the promise was done. I dont remember what happened, but after like less than a minute i started to panic whatever the promise was active, what if it was the wrong email, total mess. I never deleted the email, but i delete a changel that was created with the email, or atleast that what i remember. I was under extreme pressure and tried to ressurect the channel, but rather it created a new one. I dont even remember what was happening, but i know for sure i never deleted the Email itself. For first time, i felt my connection with God. I fell as if i've betrayed him, that i may have hurt Him and so on. I was shocked. I took 2 weeks of work since i was crushed. I felt like i was Peter who denied Christ 3 times. How can i have used God and my mom in my promises, even if i never meant it. I felt horrible. I was really crying. I tried to create some self punishing promises to hurt myself, but i realized that doesnt work.

    I had a dream than, i was hiding under my bad in my house, with couple of innocent animals, and we were surrounded by angels and demons. The angels were fighting the demons but eventually, the angels went fighting somewhere else and the demon found me under the bad. I stood up to it and destroyed it, then, light showed up from outside, light that was like coming from God, all the innocent animals was behind me, so i left the fear and become strong again and followed the light. I woke up happy for the first time in those two weeks. I started to read about promises and find out what OCD was for the first time. I found out there were other people who were making rash vows/promises under the OCD. I also started reading scriptures for the promises, and realized how important they were. I talked to priest about it, and he told me promises made under such pressure do not count, also the fact that i was not aware of how important promise is, since i never read the scriptures before, means i never really made the promise to God. And all i have to do is repent, ask for forgivnes and move on, never to promise again.

    Now here i am, i feel reborn again. All my compulsion and privious intrusve thoughts, that i had since i was 9, are gone. God removed them all. I no longer fear for hacking, for someone trying to hurt me or so on, i belive in Him and know whatever has to happen is His will. I never really created new email as i promise, i started to use one of my mom's. I also made some foolish self-punishing promise out of panic, some of which i dont even remember, but they were not real promises, rather panic OCD deals. Once i done that mistake, and i read how important promises to God are, i never ever made new one. I even create a new prayer that i use in the morning and before bed:
    "God, forgive me for being away from you for so long, forive me for years of using your name to make stupid promises to fight my OCD, and mostly forgive me for that last promise that i made with the cancer, even though you know in my heart i never ever meant it, it was intrusve thought that somehow ended up in my head, if i have ever put in danger you (even thought it's not possible), or mom by my stupid promise, i am ready to take the illness myself, and whatever you will is, and even to go to Hell if i really sinned, but i would never ever mean any harm to You or anything else.

    I dont know what words was i using when i made the promises, now that i am aware of the ipmorance of making promise, i am taking my words back and destroying the promise, if it can't be destroyed i am readdy to get sick myself or whatever was to stay in me." Ofcourse the prayer is shorter but that is what i mean- that i am sorry to God for making that stupid rash promise, that even i dont belive i made, and that whatever was said in that promises i am destroying, and if it can't be destroyed i am ready to take it on me (cancer or whatever). Technically, i haven't broken the promise, since i have never created new email, i haven't even broken the self punishing promises that i later made, but i dont want to live the rest of my life fearing i may accidentally break any promise or so on. I am taking it back to me and destroying it, if it cant be destroyed let it will all its power remain or me or whoever said it (because sometimes i feel as if OCD is thinking instead of me, like demon)

    I am almost sure that i never said that if i break the promise something bad will happened, rather i said i will feel guilty "AS IF" it happened, even though it didn't but i dont really know what i did in the panic.

    I really, really want to countite my life free now, i felt my connection with God again, i know he Forgave me about that, and that he wants me to more forward, yet i still have this feeling about this promises, Now that i know how important they are i never make them, but i want to be free of those i did, while being paralysed by OCD and unaware of the scriptures.

    Do you think God really forgave me (as i feel it in my heart), or i should abonden my work and never have anything with the internet again, which of crouse, will cause me my job and so on, i dont belive that was God's will, rather my OCD will. I know God is forgiving and we are all sinners.
    Tell me what your opinion is, sorry for my english and thanks if you had the time to read it all. I am starting to read the Bible finaly after 27 years (i've read Bible for kids, have Bible app on my phone and watched Passion of Christ and Son of God, but i dont think that counts that much)

    OW AND ONE MORE THING, i finally realized why Christ died for us, because of sins like that, and i know as long as i trully regret my thinking, and accept Him as Lord and Saviour, he will wash it away
    Bless you all guys
    Last edited by jayne; Nov 27th 2018 at 01:41 AM. Reason: made paragraphs for easier reading

  2. #2
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    Re: How i regained mt faith after years with OCD

    Thanks for sharing this, I especially liked what you said here:

    For many, many years, i've been making promises/deals with God, in order to help OCD get in control. In reality, i was never really making them to God, rather i was using this as a tool for me to motivate me to stop doing something or to chose something when i cant.
    I think that's a really common trap for all types of sin. Almost everything we go through is just a matter of trusting God rather than our own strength or wisdom. Repentance starts with acknowledging Jesus as your only Savior, which He wouldn't need to be if we think we can save ourselves.

    Do you think God really forgave me (as i feel it in my heart)
    You'll definitely get a lot out of reading the book of Romans as you go through the Bible!

    ... The righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus ... It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. (Romans 3:23-24)
    여러분은 주님 안에서 항상 기뻐하십시오. 내가 다시 말합니다. 기뻐하십시오.
    모든 사람을 너그럽게 대하십시오. 주님께서 오실 날이 가까웠습니다. Philippians 4


  3. #3
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    Re: How i regained mt faith after years with OCD

    Poor thing....you really struggled. That battle has its roots in fear. You are still fearful but not nearly as fearful.
    I'll tell you what my battle was...rejection. FEAR of rejection. I feared God had rejected me because I sinned after giving my life to Christ. Fear is a powerful tool of Satan. God did not give us a spirit of fear. But of power and of a sound mind. All that other gunk, that's not from God. That's a spirit of fear.
    The Word of God says, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." It also says "I am with you always" it also says "You are saved by GRACE through faith" and Jesus says "I am the TRUTH". God does not change and he is not a man that he should lie.

    You are in good standing with the Lord. Believe Him because he does not lie.
    Reject all those fears and just get to know the Lord. That's all he wants from you. The rest will come in time.
    Don't seek too much knowledge. You just may be putting more weight on your shoulders than you're able to bare. Let God be the one to decide how quickly you grow.

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